when does failure become not an option?

920am MOOD: morbidly obese, disgusting, huge, fat, depressed and dark

well i really dont have much to put here - im really not in a place to talk... will be back later.

140pm MOOD: i still feel morbidly obese and disgustingm huge, amd fat. i am feeling down and depressed - i match the weather for today...

today i am freezing again - i really hate this weather... today being saturday was a day we all were able to sleep in and we did - i was up at 8am but didnt get out the bed until 920 when i heard the garage door shut... i knew it was my son an he hadnt had his eye drops yet...

so hollared downand he came in and got his drops... i proceeded to discuss wih myself whether i was going to eat or not... i wanted to but i also didnt because i was afraid i would purge... finally at 10am i decided to eat some bake potatoes - not bad but then i added cheese and that was too much... i also had a bagel and then i purged and also scrybbed te entire bathroom as a punishment for failing again...

so my weight is still the same and i know it cant go down as that was my agreement - i cant try to make it go down but it is really triggering me and very frustating... i wanted it to just keep going down... i dont want it to stay here and i def dont want it to go up! i am petrified of even a few oz gain so that isnt happening...
ive really been struggling with a need to cut... i have the tools i just need an opportunity and i think i will do it... i dont know that i would be able to resist or to fight... as for the alcohol - ive really wanted to get drunk but have been too afraid to have any... i havent for 3 weeks now... not because im afraid of the drunk part - because im afraid of gaining weight as a result... its weird though because i normally dont eat most the day maybe bp at dinner when i drink... then i get so drunk i vomit everything everywhere and dont remember the night when i wake in the morning... im also a few lbs lighter - usually... one would think then that drinking would be a positive thing right now... a way to lose without really trying but its not... im scared of anything with calories... ANYTHING.

this morning when i was trying to decide what to eat - it took me 20 min to finally decide on potatoes... i stood there opening and closing the fridge door and looking in the same cabinets over and over and walking to the couch and back to the kitchen before i finally decided... i really hate this... i wish it was not so hard! i wish something was safe but right now - im lucky i can allow myself to have green tea mints... i guess i know they are sugar free and for my health really so it is ok to have them 1x a day... everything else is just not allowed...i cant even allow myself coffee if i need cramer... and the lemonade (10cals per pack) well i had one already made from lastnight and was half gone - i dumped it in the sink so i could use it for my tea instead... im really losing this side of the battle...

i feel like i am becoming more and more afraid of foods and calories... i am washing my hands more to keep anything from staying with me... i shower if i eat because i need to be cleaned not only inside but also outside... i weigh before i purge and after, before i shower and after... i weigh if i get up at night to use the bathroom and if i cant weigh - i wait to use the bathroom until i can...

i know some of my thoughts are very illogical yet for me they seem like the only truths... like when i asked my therapist a question about some photos i have... these photos are of me back in 2004 with some friends... i asked her to tell me honestly whether i look better and healthier in the photos or now... heres the thing i really thought she would say now... im not nearly like i was when i was sick back then... i mean im not doing the massive lax every day (120 per day - talk about sick and dehydration!)... i feel this takes a lot of the risk away and makes me healthier... i also am not purging like i was then - like 24x PLUS a day - that was aweful... but she didnt... she said i look better in the photo - healthier...

i look at those pictures and i think wow - i look kind of smallish there and i sort of like how i look in them... i know at the time i was disgusted and i hated the way i looked because i looked so huge... but right now i feel like i look even more huge than i did in the photos... well im not... im about 20-25lbs less now than i was in those... they were during my first treatment program... that was an iop program - meaning we werethere from 7am -630pm and then the nights we were able to go home if we lived near or we had a room which the program owned and we paid to stay in - thats what i had to do... the problem with it was that i was self-sabotaging myself by going across and walking the 2mles or so in the ice and snow to get lax... and i was sneaking to the gym inside the building at night to workout some of those cals they were forcing me to ingest...

again when i look at those pictures i see my friend and i thik wow she is sooooo tiny and im so jealous... i want to be as small as her... the thing is - in those pictures.. what she weighs in those - i weigh now... my therapist sys that makes me actually smaller than the friend then because she is like 6" shorter than me... but i dont see it - i see someone taller and i look fatter and bigger all around... i hate it...

so i was reading some posts on my fb too... one by Erica Rivera - she wrote the ED book "Insatiable" EXCELLENT book! anyway she was doing a live presntation to some school a few days ago and one of her topics was "too thin for a size 0" wow i wish i could have heard that lecture... i dont barely fit my girls 16 now... they are loose and saggy and im having to wear a belt...

im frustrated with a lot of things... the weight loss has caused for my wedding bands to be super big... a few days ago i was folding my laundry and they fell off - scared the shit out of me! everything i do i have to check that they are still there - i am so scared to lose them... we have been married 18yrs - thats a long time and ive never taken them off except when i was giving birth to my children - they were back on 2 days later every time...
some things i like about the weight loss though are like i can actually see my hipbones when i look down... i cant in the mirrors or if i take a picture - but i can when just looking down and that makes me feel a little less huge sometimes... i love how the loss has actually caused me to lose shoe sizes even! all my shoes make me feel like my feet are swimming! the last few pairs ive gotten are about 1.5-2 sizes smaller! weird! i didnt expect to lose shoe sizes by losing weight...

so it is now 2pm and im feeling just tired... i didnt take my meds today - shit! well ill just have to be strong... i wan to take a nap i think but im waiting for the mail... after it comes i may nap i may not... im going to resist bp if i can...

oh lastnight i didnt escape dinner either (fml) i ended up eating the hm pizzas and purging... but it was only a 2nd time which even though not a 0 as i had wanted ill take a 2 over a 3 or more anyday...

so i think im going to go for now... ill try to get back on here later and update the rest of the day...

643pm MOOD: disgusted , epically failed, running low on hope and fight...

yep the day is ending fairly poorly... to be honest - im debating the vodka in the mini fridge... just to escape... idk im really having a hard time today... the bp has been 3x and im realy triggered right now... i not only feel like having a shit ton of vodka but also like cutting the piss out of myself and bp until i pass out... ya im in that kind of shitty mood and feel totally like a shitbag...

we talked in session about why i hate myself... well i know one thing i hate is that i am constantly failing and lieing to myself... i hate thinking that well possibly knowing that i can not do this... i can not beat this eating disorder and i keep thinking maybe ishould just give up... if i do - it would be fast i think for an end... i mean i could easily shed more weight if i was trying and if im really at such a high risk right now because of my weight then im sure that wouldnt help...once it was over itd be done... i wouldnt know because i wold no longer be around... thats another thing i hate myself for... for wanting to give up - im not a quitter. allowing myself to quit, to give up leads to further failure which just makes for further reason to despise and hate myself and not want to exist... its a viscious circle i am in...

i also really hate the fact i am not successful the way i want to be; i hate that i do not know what that success even is? i hate that i have a wonderful husband who loves me and has put up with me for 18yrs, 3 wonderful loving children who i would never give up willingly or trade for anything and yet im not happy. they should make me happy. i love them with every oz of this pthetic body but im not happy because i hate me so much. it makes me feel like crying... my eyes are trying to swell with tears but i push them back - i have no right or reason to cry... feeling sorry for myself is no reason to shed tears... i feel very sad, disgusted and ashamed of who i am and the issues i have, the past ive lived through, the experiences ive had... i know i cant change those and i dont want to think about them... ignoring them works for a while... finding blame really doesnt do much for me seeing as i feel the blunt of the blame to fall upon my own shoulders... after all fool me once shame on u fool me twice shame on me... so then... should not and would not the blame and guilt be mine? i really do not know...

i can honestly say that although i know my therapist would not toy with me or lie to me, i really honestly do not know how to not hate myself or that i even ever will not... i would honestly settle for being able to just be cofortable in this body even if i still dislike it at least it isnt hate...
so as you can see - today is a very dreery day... my hope has really dwindled and i feel like such a waste of existence... im having a lot of thoughts which i have some plans for and perhaps might even act upon... i have the time, opportunity and energy so why not do it? idk... i will just try to keep making myself take one breath at a time and hope the day finishes quickly without incident - but i apologize that i can not promise or guarantee it.