when does failure become not an option?

920am MOOD: morbidly obese, disgusting, huge, fat, depressed and dark

well i really dont have much to put here - im really not in a place to talk... will be back later.

140pm MOOD: i still feel morbidly obese and disgustingm huge, amd fat. i am feeling down and depressed - i match the weather for today...

today i am freezing again - i really hate this weather... today being saturday was a day we all were able to sleep in and we did - i was up at 8am but didnt get out the bed until 920 when i heard the garage door shut... i knew it was my son an he hadnt had his eye drops yet...

so hollared downand he came in and got his drops... i proceeded to discuss wih myself whether i was going to eat or not... i wanted to but i also didnt because i was afraid i would purge... finally at 10am i decided to eat some bake potatoes - not bad but then i added cheese and that was too much... i also had a bagel and then i purged and also scrybbed te entire bathroom as a punishment for failing again...

so my weight is still the same and i know it cant go down as that was my agreement - i cant try to make it go down but it is really triggering me and very frustating... i wanted it to just keep going down... i dont want it to stay here and i def dont want it to go up! i am petrified of even a few oz gain so that isnt happening...
ive really been struggling with a need to cut... i have the tools i just need an opportunity and i think i will do it... i dont know that i would be able to resist or to fight... as for the alcohol - ive really wanted to get drunk but have been too afraid to have any... i havent for 3 weeks now... not because im afraid of the drunk part - because im afraid of gaining weight as a result... its weird though because i normally dont eat most the day maybe bp at dinner when i drink... then i get so drunk i vomit everything everywhere and dont remember the night when i wake in the morning... im also a few lbs lighter - usually... one would think then that drinking would be a positive thing right now... a way to lose without really trying but its not... im scared of anything with calories... ANYTHING.

this morning when i was trying to decide what to eat - it took me 20 min to finally decide on potatoes... i stood there opening and closing the fridge door and looking in the same cabinets over and over and walking to the couch and back to the kitchen before i finally decided... i really hate this... i wish it was not so hard! i wish something was safe but right now - im lucky i can allow myself to have green tea mints... i guess i know they are sugar free and for my health really so it is ok to have them 1x a day... everything else is just not allowed...i cant even allow myself coffee if i need cramer... and the lemonade (10cals per pack) well i had one already made from lastnight and was half gone - i dumped it in the sink so i could use it for my tea instead... im really losing this side of the battle...

i feel like i am becoming more and more afraid of foods and calories... i am washing my hands more to keep anything from staying with me... i shower if i eat because i need to be cleaned not only inside but also outside... i weigh before i purge and after, before i shower and after... i weigh if i get up at night to use the bathroom and if i cant weigh - i wait to use the bathroom until i can...

i know some of my thoughts are very illogical yet for me they seem like the only truths... like when i asked my therapist a question about some photos i have... these photos are of me back in 2004 with some friends... i asked her to tell me honestly whether i look better and healthier in the photos or now... heres the thing i really thought she would say now... im not nearly like i was when i was sick back then... i mean im not doing the massive lax every day (120 per day - talk about sick and dehydration!)... i feel this takes a lot of the risk away and makes me healthier... i also am not purging like i was then - like 24x PLUS a day - that was aweful... but she didnt... she said i look better in the photo - healthier...

i look at those pictures and i think wow - i look kind of smallish there and i sort of like how i look in them... i know at the time i was disgusted and i hated the way i looked because i looked so huge... but right now i feel like i look even more huge than i did in the photos... well im not... im about 20-25lbs less now than i was in those... they were during my first treatment program... that was an iop program - meaning we werethere from 7am -630pm and then the nights we were able to go home if we lived near or we had a room which the program owned and we paid to stay in - thats what i had to do... the problem with it was that i was self-sabotaging myself by going across and walking the 2mles or so in the ice and snow to get lax... and i was sneaking to the gym inside the building at night to workout some of those cals they were forcing me to ingest...

again when i look at those pictures i see my friend and i thik wow she is sooooo tiny and im so jealous... i want to be as small as her... the thing is - in those pictures.. what she weighs in those - i weigh now... my therapist sys that makes me actually smaller than the friend then because she is like 6" shorter than me... but i dont see it - i see someone taller and i look fatter and bigger all around... i hate it...

so i was reading some posts on my fb too... one by Erica Rivera - she wrote the ED book "Insatiable" EXCELLENT book! anyway she was doing a live presntation to some school a few days ago and one of her topics was "too thin for a size 0" wow i wish i could have heard that lecture... i dont barely fit my girls 16 now... they are loose and saggy and im having to wear a belt...

im frustrated with a lot of things... the weight loss has caused for my wedding bands to be super big... a few days ago i was folding my laundry and they fell off - scared the shit out of me! everything i do i have to check that they are still there - i am so scared to lose them... we have been married 18yrs - thats a long time and ive never taken them off except when i was giving birth to my children - they were back on 2 days later every time...
some things i like about the weight loss though are like i can actually see my hipbones when i look down... i cant in the mirrors or if i take a picture - but i can when just looking down and that makes me feel a little less huge sometimes... i love how the loss has actually caused me to lose shoe sizes even! all my shoes make me feel like my feet are swimming! the last few pairs ive gotten are about 1.5-2 sizes smaller! weird! i didnt expect to lose shoe sizes by losing weight...

so it is now 2pm and im feeling just tired... i didnt take my meds today - shit! well ill just have to be strong... i wan to take a nap i think but im waiting for the mail... after it comes i may nap i may not... im going to resist bp if i can...

oh lastnight i didnt escape dinner either (fml) i ended up eating the hm pizzas and purging... but it was only a 2nd time which even though not a 0 as i had wanted ill take a 2 over a 3 or more anyday...

so i think im going to go for now... ill try to get back on here later and update the rest of the day...

643pm MOOD: disgusted , epically failed, running low on hope and fight...

yep the day is ending fairly poorly... to be honest - im debating the vodka in the mini fridge... just to escape... idk im really having a hard time today... the bp has been 3x and im realy triggered right now... i not only feel like having a shit ton of vodka but also like cutting the piss out of myself and bp until i pass out... ya im in that kind of shitty mood and feel totally like a shitbag...

we talked in session about why i hate myself... well i know one thing i hate is that i am constantly failing and lieing to myself... i hate thinking that well possibly knowing that i can not do this... i can not beat this eating disorder and i keep thinking maybe ishould just give up... if i do - it would be fast i think for an end... i mean i could easily shed more weight if i was trying and if im really at such a high risk right now because of my weight then im sure that wouldnt help...once it was over itd be done... i wouldnt know because i wold no longer be around... thats another thing i hate myself for... for wanting to give up - im not a quitter. allowing myself to quit, to give up leads to further failure which just makes for further reason to despise and hate myself and not want to exist... its a viscious circle i am in...

i also really hate the fact i am not successful the way i want to be; i hate that i do not know what that success even is? i hate that i have a wonderful husband who loves me and has put up with me for 18yrs, 3 wonderful loving children who i would never give up willingly or trade for anything and yet im not happy. they should make me happy. i love them with every oz of this pthetic body but im not happy because i hate me so much. it makes me feel like crying... my eyes are trying to swell with tears but i push them back - i have no right or reason to cry... feeling sorry for myself is no reason to shed tears... i feel very sad, disgusted and ashamed of who i am and the issues i have, the past ive lived through, the experiences ive had... i know i cant change those and i dont want to think about them... ignoring them works for a while... finding blame really doesnt do much for me seeing as i feel the blunt of the blame to fall upon my own shoulders... after all fool me once shame on u fool me twice shame on me... so then... should not and would not the blame and guilt be mine? i really do not know...

i can honestly say that although i know my therapist would not toy with me or lie to me, i really honestly do not know how to not hate myself or that i even ever will not... i would honestly settle for being able to just be cofortable in this body even if i still dislike it at least it isnt hate...
so as you can see - today is a very dreery day... my hope has really dwindled and i feel like such a waste of existence... im having a lot of thoughts which i have some plans for and perhaps might even act upon... i have the time, opportunity and energy so why not do it? idk... i will just try to keep making myself take one breath at a time and hope the day finishes quickly without incident - but i apologize that i can not promise or guarantee it.

why do i let the triggers get to me?!

MOOD: discouraged, frustrated , losing hope
28 Oct, 2011 (friday)

so i had session today and as per the norm im a blabber mouth... i swear i always tell on myself even when i dont want too! i guess that could be the side of me that truly wants recovery-good kick some AN/BN ass!

anyway so at session we discuss this past weeks documentation of my moods... we break tings down and a new goal for Nov is made... i have to work on the thoughts i have and controlling them... secondly we made a goal of something else which right now i cant recall...

so as i was about to leave when i finally decided to ask if my cm had called yet and she said no... i decided to inform her of those weird feelings id been having... i was sort of freaking out to say anything but i figure its better to come from me than someone else... i dont want to look like im hiding stuff... she asked if i was having them today - which at that time no i wasnt and i felt fine... she said if it  keeps up i should be seen... idk about that one!  but i said ok and left for home... as im driving that nagging voice begins... u want to binge u need to purge...gorge to overfull and then puke it all into oblivion...forget it all... pretend everything is the same... dont feel anything... numb yourself... feel better not open and raw... i tried so hard to ignore it...

as im pulling up to the exit for C.H. i remember i still need the halloween candy since my oldest wants to stay home and hand out instead of going t/t which is cool... well i get to the store and i get what i need but then as im paying - i find i have a few items i hadnt planned on buying and didnt really remember grabbing... must need em right? ya well... not really they ended up a binge for me... dumb food... i wish i wouldnt have bought that shit...

so i load the stuff and open a bag to eat starting the binge... i calculate the calories in each piece and i decide yep too much already gotta purge when i get home... so thats what i did..
then i got a call from the ortho surgery clinic about my son and have to take a copy of the paper referra. for his appt on monday... problem - i dont have a copy - shit! so i email my cm and she prints it out and says i just need to come get it before she leaves at 230 - cool! she is awesome! so i tell my son to get dressed he is going with me so i can get him a walk in with the dr to check his eyes...

we get to the hospital and go see my cm... i kind of filled her in on todays session and my fears and then she gives me the papers and we head to peds... shit! i forgot his id card grrrr! oh well its expired anyway - triple shit! so i go in and they make him and appt... one of the desk ladies says i can go to records across the hall and get a promisary note to have him seen today and get his meds if needed... cool... so i go get it...

LOVELY-  he has pink eye... hate that shit! so we go sit and sit and sit some more waiting to get the eye drops... we had his appt at 220 and we were seen at 210... and we got his meds at 403... ugh! ok so we head to the id office... need to get it cuz he has to have for mondays appt or cant be seen... we walk in at 408pm and the lady says r u the sponsor - the active military member? i said no im spouse... well u cant get his id card without a power of attorney or your sponsor here.... shit! so i sign in anyway and call the hubby... he flies out of a meeting at work and arrives in under 5minutes... signs the papers and get the id and he heads back to work we head to the gas station... waited forever but finally got the gas... went to his friends to see if he was also promoted in JROTC and finally came home... so by now it is...

522pm... MOOD: shitty
i feel like crap, my side hurts, and im trying to find an excuse to get me out of the dinner... i didnt have to cook i called my oldest sonto  start pizzas while we were gone rather than making tacos when i got back, as i had planned - i just did and do not want to cook... i want nothing with food right now and i really do not want to purge again... these dam weird episode feelings they scare me and i dont want to have any more... not only that but purging is beginning to really wear me down... i need some energy...

if i can just stop eating for a few days then slowly work into eating a little maybe i could find something safe...idk but as far as eating safe foods... im able to have green tea mints which 3 has 5cals and i only allow them 1x a day... thats not much but shit - its something!

so as far as bp for today - so far 1x and i am trying to resist another... im not sure how i really feel otherwise emotionally... i feel like a morbidly obese whale though and im not really sure why... i woke that way and well it just hasnt gone away...

another failure of a day for me...

611pm 27 Oct,2011
MOOD: disgusted, frustrated, tired, hate hate hate myself...

so i guess u can tell it was not the kind of day i wanted it to be... i ended up bp 2x which could have been worse i suppose but thankfully was not... the first one was just rice and the 2nd was a salad and cereal - yes an odd combo but thats what i had... no idea... anyway - it really made me angry that i caved the first time but the 2nd gave me the major itch to cut - so far ive resisted...

i saw cm today... i had another of those weird episodes while i was there and i told her... she was like maybe u need to be seen nd admitted? i was like no ill be fine... if it keeps up ill go... well its been a few times today but not too bad... i went back and saw her after the bookfair so she could see i was fine as she had said for me to do... she said she just wanted to make sure i was alive and still coherent... im grand...

im in a foul feeling mood right now... i feel disgusted and like i could rip myself apart if i didnt have anyone here right now... im so disgusted with myself and this dam eating issue...  i cant handle this shit much longer...

so with this - i had a pleasant chat with a friend on text today - that was nice... she is so sweet.
my son did his promotion board and first inspection for JROTC today and he was so excited when he came to tell me in the library... it made me smile for him.

my husband is home now - he got home at 6 - earliest all week but he has work to do again... prob not done to sit on the couch till at least 730... oh well at least he is home now... my son was so excited to tell him about the board he is still talking about it...

i cashed a check at walmart we got and i bought some groceries so that was good...

gotta go - guess this is all i have for tonight.

awake with hope for a "0" day

750am Oct 27, 2011
MOOD: a little jopeful, determined, anxious

so i am awake and i have a lot to do... i have already taken my meds - yay! (finally remembered!) i took my middle son to school - he looked SO handsome! he was all decked in his JROTC class A uniform - thats the dress suit he looked sharp! idk something about my boys and hubby all dressed up gets me all fluttery in my tummy! let me just add - my husband looks mmm good in his! ok enough of that...

so i also have already completed my update from lastnight... i had to leave near the end as he was standing in here over my shoulder and i just couldnt write so i posted and decided to finish it this am... done now... i have also already put a pot of rice in the cooker... my boys LOVE rice! so i normally keep a container of rice in the fridge that they can eat when they need a quick healthy snack and they love to eat it for breakfast... so yep it will be ready soon...

so yesterday ended not so great as far as bp goes - there was 4x... grrr i hate when i forget my meds it totally screws me up with the control over the thoughts and behaviors of bp... when i take it - i get the cravings a little bit but usually can mostly make myself wait and determine if that is really what i want or at least limit the times i do it... i guess though 4x is really not as bad as it could be!

so my title is  'hope for a "0"' day - this is because my hope and my goal for today - is to have 0 bp... now a while back i was able to eat 500 or less cals a day and i was not bp with it... i am not sure how i did it then - but i am hoping i can start to fall into that again... i have to work at the book fair for my middle son today at 11am this means for that time i will be so busy that bp wont be an option... in addition i have no $ to spend so cant stop and buy anything to bp on... if i decide to bp - it will have to be at home and i will have to make something... im sleepy right now, i know i will be when i get home so i dont think ill feel much like making anything to eat... which in turns = no bp... the only challenge after that then is dinner and the night time hrs before i go to bed - those have been hard for me the past few months... this past couple of weels though eating after 4pm has not been allowed - except lastnight, so i think i can do this if i really push... i really do want to be healthy and to be some what normal - i am just really struggling with how to do it... i feel like i cant do this on my own and it scares me to think what is going to happen if i keep going like this...

after all my weird feelings yesterday im scared of passing out or of even dieing and my boys finding me... i dont want that - that would be the worst thing ever... so i got some letters from remuda ranch - unfortunately the program in Va Beach closed last year so now they are only in Az... however they sent me some letters about they have a bunch of new insurance contracts with covverage for residential... i posted a message to their page about it asking if tricare is now accepted or not... id like to know i have that option if some how i change my mine... i know i am getting to a point where i may not have an option if i cant get better control soon...

i have been having really bad stomach pains when i eat or drink anything with calories - sometimes even tea or water are doing it... but these pains are really bad and i walk - sometimes run to the bathroom barely closing the door and everything is back up in a matter of sseconds... other times this pain is making so it hurts to even walk and i am unable to eat anything... when i try to eat my stomach flops and i about hurl nothing but the acid building in my gut at that moment... i feel like i have no chance because everything is backfiring on me...

tuesday at the meeting we discussed about how we told our parents and stuff... i was open about how my father found out and said it was just a phase and id outgrow it - obviously he knows everything... i also told them my fears of talking to my family on the phone... they most said they had a difficult time revealing their ed to their fam and most their fam took it with the what do we d first to help attitudes... some like my mother - which i also said i have no idea how she found out and just showed up at Del Amo one day while i was there, with my grandmother - i was so embarrassed, anxious and upset! anyway - i told them how even talking to my mom on the phone really triggers me because i am scared of being like her... one of the other girls completely related - she is petrified of becoming her mother... i also talked about how i dont discuss it with my mom - it is not a topic for us because it triggers me and also because she always blames herself, giving me guilt for letting her feel that and also she wants to know what she did to make me do this... some of the girls said thats what their parents asked as well... i guess its just nice to know im not alone with some of this shit...

i guess today i will go se my CM again as i had told her i would yesterday and i didnt go anywhere - i was too weirdish feeling! waiting for the counselor at my school to email me back how to get this paperwork to her - hopefully i will be starting school like next week or so! something to busy my time i think it will really help! also i am texting with a girl from the meeting and we r going to get together (maybe today?) and im going to try to teach her to crochet. this should be funs seeing as i only learned by looking at something and then my hands just did it... i think since she knows how to knit though - it should be a little easier for her to learn...

hmmm ok so my weight - i guess i will say that i have maintained - this is ok i suppose... i really was "hoping" for something smaller - but i know i cant try for it so not losing is the way it needs to become comfortable... comfortable in this body - this fat and grossness - i dont know if it will ever happen... i hate all of it and just wish i could peel myself apart to be someone else that i at least like and can bear and maybe eventually even love...

self punishment today - i have to be very careful with this... i am very triggered to cut to keep myself in check with the bp... i cant fall back to this - it is not safe and i get in a lot of trouble when i start... usually it becomes an addiction the first time because i recognize the relief from the pain and i dont want to let it go... i hope for strength to keep from my blaades...

have therapy tomorrow... will be up to go there and i hope i can just be strong and do what needs to be done today... so for now - i am going to start getting stuff done - away from the kitchen and food which i am feeling highly triggered from right now... i will add more to today through another post update later (i think this one is long enough!)... hope you all have a wonderful day!

a scarey day for me today...

730pm Oct 26, 2011
MOOD: disoriented, headache, tired but awake.

so well where to start? umm i guess with this morning... i woke early to get the boys off to school and then i went back to the bed... i was so groggy and sleepy there was no way i was functioning without some rest... my husband came in at 730 and i got up to make him some toast for breakfast - mistake... i should have taken my am meds - but i didnt i was rushing to get him breakfast so he could relax a bit before going back... well i was FREEZING so i made some oatmeal which i sat and ate slowly on the couch next to him... when he left i also made some eggs and then i purged and went back to bed... i felt really off... i was cooking the eggs and had to hold th counter to keep from falling out... everything was suddenly black around me and then my body got this heat wave went through my entire body.  i put my head down because i was not able to breath either and after a few seconds everything was fine... it happened a few times like when i was walking to the table and then on the stairs... it scared me so i just layed down - i fell back to sleep... maybe i was just tired?

i got up at 1200 when i heard hubby come through the front door... i came downstairs and made him some lunch and that was another mistake... i decided i wanted some salad so i made a salad and sat on the couch to eat next to him... i purged when he left and was watching HOUSE i love that show... i got up to go do the laundry and while i was in the washroom that feeling happened again and it scared me... it actually led me to another bp... after i purged - my boys were home so i went up and showered - i was freezing again... my body was purple - my toenails, fingers, legs and knees and hands and even my arms... i had to get warm.... when i go out i lay in the bed and watched NCIS...  i was getting bored (reruns grrrr) so i texted 2 people from the group on tuesday and i asked one (she is a nurse) about what was going on today and see what she thought it could be... she is also in recovery so she knows a lot about it all... i texted another girl and we chatte until about 7pm... that was nice... i need people near me that i can talk to who really get what is going on and dont judge or get angry for it... other than the people from the group - i dont know anyone anymore... ot since the seizure and not working anymore - nobody talks to me now and i just stay home...

lt me go back a second... well while i was in the shower i was really frustrated with myself... here is why. i had to put a folded hand towel in there to sit on and folded washcloths behind my shoulders because it hurt to sit in the bathtub... i mean really hurt... my back is sore from resting against the wall last night before the group... my husband said i am nothing but ribs, hip bones and skin... then i get upset because i cant see what he is telling me... other people who see me think i look great and others say i look skeletal... i have no idea what to think and im conflicted... i lost another lb - yep putting me 2lbs from my lowest.... i feel like im over reacting because i am not taking the mass amounts of lax like i was before - there fore i am at no risk and no worries... yet i have issues lie today where i cant breath and i go black and it scares me... i have nights where i get horrible chest pains and i dont know what it is... i roll to my right side and try to relax and just go to sleep... when i get these pains my head feels massive pressure like my head is being squeezed off my head...  all these things im noticing are beginning to frighten me... then there is the weight... i weigh myself and there are 2 sides of me... one is jumping for joy at the site of losing yet another lb... then there is the side which is frightened... i have never lost weight so easily as i have in the past 2 weeks or so... i dont understand even how it is falling as i have even reduced my workouts to make so that im not trying to lose - i do need some physical workout though or ill go nuts!

so sorry bout that ill finish this update now... my hubby was hanging on me and yikes - he cant read this!

so i was talking about how easily i have been losing weight and im not even sure how i am doing it... additionally i am annoyed with the fact i am noticing the discomforts of having lost so much weight... another being the dam seat belt rubbing my hipbones while im in the van - it really gets irritating... then there are the jeans... this is a really hard one because it triggers me very badly in both negative and a positive way - let me explain... so i have all these smaller cloths to wear now right? well my mind has always been that when the cloths fit - i need to lose more, yet i know i cant lose more... there is also the fact of the size - the size that i am wearing - well they dont fit anymore - they are lose and in most cases hang off of me... this triggers me to be more proactive and frustrated because i dont have the money to keep buying new ones and then there is the whole side of me that now i can achieve yet a smaller size... im getting smaller.... this is so confusing you know?

then there comes the part of my thoughts... im thinking im getting smaller - yes! but why? why keep getting smaller? i came to somewhat of an idea about why... the thing is i know - i HATE myself... i have so much self hatred and i just keep it all to myself and take it out on myself... well the smaller i get - the less of me there is this means additionally there is less of me to hate... i guess it makes sense... i have less of me to see - less of me to judge and less for the voices to cream at me about... yep it does make sense to me...

so well i guess it is time to go - ill post more in the update for Thursday.

what a day... (**weights - possible trigger**)

713pm 24 Oct 2011
MOOD: sore, tired - no exhausted, a little relieved.

so i tried to make a post yesterday from my phone but the dang thing would not type in the post section... i ended up just writting instead...

so yesterday was pretty ok in the aspects of i only bp 1x.... i was so anxious and nervous about the appt today with my dr and the new womens group tonight that it was causing me physical pain and eventually it lead to a severe migraine... was not good... went to bed at 9pm and i was awake every few minutes looking at the clock - it felt like the night was never going to end... no i was not excited - i was ready to get today OVER WITH!

i got up this am and i weighed and to my surprise i was down a bit more... i was a little scared after that so i drank a lot of water when i took my meds... at least it would not be so near that lower weight at the dr that way... i went to the hospital and got my meds filled then waited to see my dr... i got the weight check - finally over that, and it worked... the water had increased my weight by a lb... because i knew and was prepared for the scale to be a little higher so it didnt trigger me so much... with this weight of 103.2 ( which is what it was when i woke up - i weighed at the dr 104) i am just about my lowest weight ever which was 100 back in 2004... and i was REALLY scared of what she was going to do... i kept having thoughts of her walking through the door with a straight jacket and tubes to force me gain... im glad that didnt happen!

i left and headed to walmart which is where the day took a dive... at walmart i bought a lot of junk which i really did not need and i was aware of what i was doing... i was planning a binge on the drive home... i had sort of given myself permission to only have one today... well that was a mistake. i know better than to 'give myself permission' so im not sure really what was the reason i did but it doesnt matter because it just got worse... i got home and purged then i waited for my hubby to come for lunch... he was really late so i thought he wasnt coming and i changed into a lsightly warmer outfit and as i was  tieing my shoes he walked in the house... i sat with him while he ate his lunch and then he had 15min before he had to return to work...

when he left i waited a few minutes then went to the hospital again... the intentions were buy a water bottle then take the stairs to see my CM (case manager) and get a copy of the lab results if they were in... so when i got there i got the water and headed up to the 2nd floor to see her but the office door was locked. i know her office is inside the back of another office. the office they are in closes for a lunch but her office does not... i tried to call her but it said the number was no longer in service... ok so i went downstairs and headed to the records office - i could try to get the lab results a copy from them... when i rounded the corner there was a line of new recruits in for processing - about 25-30 people, nope not waiting in that line! so i decided to go upstairs one last time, there happened to be someone there and when she got off the phone she opened the door for me...

i talked to her for a while and i was so exhausted i felt like i was going to fall alseep right there... im not sure why i felt so much more tired today but i think it was all the anxiety and stress from the weekend waiting for today came rushing down when the apt was over and my body was ready for a rest... i stayed there for about an hour... we talked about the apt and the issue with my dr and her recommendations for ip... she wont remove that recommendation so long as i am still purging and needing the supplements... she didnt really seem concerned over my weight and i was surprised but happy about that!

when i finally left i headed home and i did it again - i binged on potatoes and 2 biscuits... i was so full i thought i was going to literally explode so i purged and felt so much better... but again and still so exhausted... i sat at the computer clearning emails and waited for the dr to call me back and discuss the results and when my next apt needs to be. i looked as some coupons and a few sites for surveys when she finally called. after we chatted i pulled the chicken out of the oven for the fam for dinner. i then got a message on my vm and it was for the meeting tonight - they lost all power so the meeting has been cancelled and rescheduled for next week... ugh...

for some reason this triggered me even more, i think because i was already so anxious about going and not wanting to that once it was cancelled i just needed a release and that was my autopilot reaction... my son got the mail for me and when i went up to purge and weigh, i lay back down in the bed and after a bit i fell asleep... i woke at about 630 when my husband came in the house and asked if anyone was home... i tried to sit up and pain through my left arm... i had forgotten i got that flu shot today and it has made me very sore... my husband called me a baby - i dont care it freakin hurts... i tried to get the one you snort but she said because of my low weight my body is more prone to getting the virus from that than the shot... grrrr... HATE needles! ok so i got it anyway... now my arm feels like a dead weight and it hurts to move it...

ive bp 3x today and it was really making me frustrated that i just cold seem to not find any control - then i remembered i took my meds late - like 11am which for some reason they seem to have not worked as well or i was just too triggered, anxious and nervous that they just werent enough... then i think - what if i hadnt taken them at all? yikes - would have been even worse!

so overall, even though i did bp more than i had intended - they were not super big ones and i was sort of able to gain control.... now tomorrow is going to be another challenge and i just hope i make it through... having nothing to do all day - well that leads to massive boredom = bp... so i need to force myself to be busy doing something - i just am not sure what...

well guess im off for now as im really tired and now it is 745pm... i need to get the boys to bed and then get myself to bed but need to make sure i take night meds first!

can somebody please...

Friday 21 Oct, 2011
4:40pm   MOOD: determined, anxious, scared...

ok so id like for somebody to come take over my body and mind for a while - please?! im really not doing so great here and im not sure what i want anymore...

let me go back - ok so i was surprised when my dumb period started monday - i  mean hello? i thought i wasnt going to get it since i hadnt yet and it was like 2 weeks late... but i also thought maybe since the lower weight? well i had lost it before from the lower weight but now with the prozac - i think im gonna get it no matter what weight... oh well...

so sunday i decided (like an idiot!) to NOT take my meds... i wanted to challenge myself - see that i can do everything WITHOUT the medication - BAD let me restate that BAD IDEA!!! ya it ened up being like nonstop b/p and i was sick as shit when i went to bed... my head hurt and i was exhausted to the point i could barely keep my eyes open.

so enough of that nonsesne... monday morning came and i was just as exhausted as when i woke and i really just wanted to sleep - so after the boys went to shool - i went back to bed... when i got up i took my meds and lets just say the b/p was way better! i was really achey and crampy and i was like wtf?? then when the cycle hit - well i knew y and i just tried to relax... i took 800mg motrin and it didnt even make a dent in the dumb pains i was having... i was actually debating going to the dr...

tuesday morning came and still the bad pains and cramping but at least i knew y... i got the boys to school then i lay back down and looked up some stuff on craigslist then started to fall asleep so i locked the phone and dozed off... about 37min later my phone rang- my son was in the nurses office because he was vommitting all over the place... i went to get him and while there made it a worthwhile trip in that i also dropped off all my "fat clothes" to the school for their teens... yes - for me they were my fat clothes, i suppose for othes they are a normal decent size but i dont want them around because i dont want an excuse to fit them again! when it all comes down to it - ive nearly lost ** lbs (sorry no numbers) which has ultimately put me to my lowest since moving here and almost to my lowest since 2004... im not sure ill make it to that - but i wish i could, logically im trying to not let myself have permission... my son needs to work on his 1mile run time so we went to the track and he ran a mile - i walked because running hurts my foot too much...

ANAD was tonight and it was ok... i sat in the hall a bit doing some of my workbooks until one of them triggered me and i decided it was time to put it away... then it was time for the meeting, and noone was there yet... a few min later 2 other girls showed so we went into the room and then the moderator and the Dr showed and it was time to do the group... well... the conversation was not much on me - i really didnt feel like talking... i was glad when it was tie to head home... what i did find interesting was that the past month or so weeks (?) i had been b/p before or on the drive up - this time i refused to let myself and i won! kiss that BN! 

wednesday was another day where things were ok - just really exhausted still... hate feeling so tired and im ready for some energy back! ive realy had like NO TIME with my husband because of his suckish work schedule right now - in at 230am and home after 7-8pm... its really annoying but - the cable internet went down today and they said it will probably be down or off and on until saturday sometime... when he actually got home at 5pm he came and sat on the couch with me... we put in "Ghost Rider" with Nicholas Cage and watched it... at the end - we went to bed... i hit the pillow and was out but tossed and turned a lot... he slept like a rock...

thursday well this day was a big mistake from the wakeup... ugh... i woke up and then got the boys to the bus... i was planning to take a snooze for a bit but i couldnt so i took a long shower to get warm and then headed to run some errands... i dont remember too much of the early part of the day but i ended up from somewhere around 1pm till i went to bed at 830pm b/p 3x... i was frustrated because i didnt want too but i had like no control - it was like i was watchingthis person eat and puke and it was making me angry... then i realized i didnt take my meds in the am grrr.... ok i will deff take friday morning meds!

so we come to today... yep it started early and is still going on... feels like it may never come to an end! i woke this am to get the boys to school and then i lay on the couch for a bit - i was trying to go to sleep and relaxing after having taken my meds... i just didnt want to bp and was fighting hard.... suddenly my husband was home for a few minutes so i lay with him on the bed for a few minutes - i just wanted to be held a little while and he wanted to hold me... well he had to get up because he had to ge his other clothes on and get to work... thats ok i needed to get my stuff together and head out anyway... i had therapy this am and was planning to stop at martins and see what they had on their clearance rack.... i made the drive and with all the traffic was about 25min early so i went to martins quickly and bought lots of breads really quick - only spent $5! i got 2x 12grain loaves, 1x Italian loaf, 3x honey wheat sandwhich thins, steak rolls, wheat sub rolls, and 2x kaiser large dinner rolls! what a deal! anyway - i quickly left and parked at my therapists office... i listened to some music for a few minutes and also made sure my med notebook was updated then it was time to talk.... i was tired and my head was pounding... not to mention i was a little dizzy - from the headache which i decided was a migraine... in my appt i was able to somewhat ignore it as her office is lit but not super bright and no lights or sun in my face....

1100am MOOD: anxious, triggered, tired, determined

so im 'free' (lol) and i drive home... now here is the challnging part - i am triggered to bp but at the same time i really am repulsed by the thought of any food in my mouth or body... so i make the stop at walmart and get a bag of chips for hubby and some almond milk for me (35cals a cup) now hopefully ill drink it without it being a purge after...

i pull into the driveway thinking i was going to go to the pawn shop to get another loan to have gas and food for the rest of the month when my hubby's car is parked on the side... grrr... i mean i want to see him i just was not expecting him until 2 and that sort of messed up my schedule... when i get in the house i quickly put the breads away and tell him what is for dinner and then sit on the couch... i was a little out of breath from moving so much so fast and i was feeling a bit lightheaded seeing as i was feeling really dehydrated - and the migraine, ya those togethr dont help anything... he told me he was home until 1pm so i was like ok... in my head i rethunk my schedule and was ok... he actually left at 1215pm when his 1st sgt called and he was told everyone needed to be back now... worked better for me anyway that way...

i went and got the loan, stopped at the grocery store and then got some fuel and came home... i put everything away, drank a sip of tea and lay on the couch then sons started coming through the door oldest, middle then youngest... told them there were snacks in the drawers if they wanted to have one... my youngest came and lay on my side for a bit but said my hipbone was hurting him so he got up and sat at the end of the couch... a few min later, about 345pm-ish, my hubby came home... well dinner changed just a little... he had 2 huge plates of bbq'd pork chops... so instead of them havin chicken patty sandwiches - they can have porkchop sandwiches...

well time has gone by - obviously and i made my son his dinner...i had a VERY hard time letting myself make the food and TOUCH it... i just reminded myself it wouldnt hurt me jut to make it and i finally finished and came to my desk... i relaxed a little and the breathing got a little better... a bit later, about 430pm my hubby said he was making a sandwich for himself did i want one? i said no i ate a chop while making my son's dinner and he was ok with that.. i did cut some tomatoe for him and cleaned and cored the lettuce then came back to my computer to do this writting... i needed to get my head away from food because i was really craving to cave in to bp...

well it is now 536pm MOOD: determined, anxious, nervouse, scared, worried

 i have managed to have 1cup of tea and 1 stick of gum today... my migraine is still here and rather annoying... it is making me also nauseated so i just dont want to eat anyway... im also having really bad cramps which is odd seeing as my cycle should nearly be done...

im really nervouse and anxious about monday - totally NOT looking forward to it... i have to do the weight check andi tried to get out of it - didnt work... then i have to start the abuse group monday night... nope - DEFFINATELY NOT looking forward to monday...