649 pm nov 19, 2011
MOOD: disgusted, fat, bloated, gross, want to cut.
i am really disgusted with myself and my falling to my ass again... mia won a 3rd round and im exhausted... i really need some sleep so very bad and purging just makes me so much more exhausted...
i want to cut so very very badly... i have the time and opportnity too since hubby is working 24hrs... i need to fight myself though - i just can have anything happen that could land my ass into the hospital faster than i am already seeming to get there... i dont want to be in the hospital but im not sure of my chances of staying out either...
my boys r having another friend sleep over tonight and im going to try and stay up to watch a movie - if i dont then it comes on again dec 3,4 and 5 all morning times which is way bettr for me...
so this am i took my meds like i said - they were late though and the day ended up not only being long but also a triggerful day and i was trying to figure out why felt so much "weaker" in my rounds with mia when i realized i had not taken all of my meds... my effexor was filled yesterday but it is downstairs - i had forgotten to take it... tomorrow i will be sure to not forget... i will finish the latch hook tomorrow as i didnt have the focus today... also i will begin another blanket athat usually keeps me warm... hubby will probably be sleeping for most the day so i may just stay in the bed with him and try to catch some extra sleep myslef... idk yet...
well im going for now... gonna try to catchsom zzzz's before the movie tonight...
Saturday, November 19, 2011
lost the 3rd round...break time fight some more tomorrow...
i think im becoming an icescicle! ***potentially triggering**
1249pm sat nov 19, 2011
MOOD: IRRITATED, anxious, annoyed, fustrated, depressed, exhausted, and more i just cant name right now...
well lets begin with yesterday where i left off... after a while, i ended up cavin in and bp... it wasnt a lot - i dont think, was cottage cheese, a bowl of cereal and i think that was all - i dont remember... so ya i purged in which as i walked to the bathroom - i could not even make it upstairs so i ran into he downstairs one where it all came up in mere seconds then i returned to heading to my room to weigh - make sure everything was out... well that highly triggered me some more because the number was still up from when i had woken up... i wasnt up much and i suppose it was due to the koolaid and stuff i hd been guzbut well it was still hard to just let it be... thing is when i purged i had nothing left to get up because it was dry heaving after a second...
well i let it go i guess and i made it through the day... we had to go get the pizzas and when we got done picked up our friend and came home... i had only managed to clean the house, put away all laundry, bake and frost a double layer cake, put in the candles, do the shopping for a few things and while opening a can of the frosting - slicing open my finger! so i got stuff done well enough and i served the pizza which i first had to re-heat bcuz it had taken us so long to get home they were only still warm... so i heated on a reg plate and transferredt o foam plates for everyone... in order to avoid eating i served a piece to myself and tore pieces off, wrapped in paper towel and threw into the trash, then i would walk around pretending to be chewing... i served the cake and ice cream, didnt have any and i made it to bed without a 2x bp... so no - i wasnt proud of hiding like that or pretending - but i was determined to make it through another day without caving to BN more tha i already had...
i worked on the lady bug latch hook some lastnight before heading to bed and was ready for sleep at 9... my sons friend and our family friend stayed over night and the boys were all downstairs laughing and playing ps3 and movies... hubby had to go into work and needed to sleep so i had to make them be quiet - needless to say a restless sleep for me...
woke this am at 6 with hubby and i showered then without thinking went downstairs before taking meds which was a bad idea... i ended up eating - hence purging... so for today - i am at 1x...grrrrr... i had to heat breakfast for all the boys - they wanted left over pizza so that was easy enough! finally after they all ate and hubby went to work i purged nd came to lay in the bed... freezing and literally exhausted... i got up and put on a strapless padded bra and bathing suit bottoms and took some pics... i want to compare with older ones of myself - maybe ill see a difference? well - looking at them do not see a differnce... imstill rolly polly and i can pinch fat all over my body... i know there is more to lose but i have to fight myself to not continue to drop... especially i weighed this am and well it was down even further... my mind was jumping with excitement and fear... im not sure which way i really feel about it... i really just want to be HAPPY.... i just want to like myself, like my body enough that i can function and start doing things i like rather than always be in hiding because im embarrassed of others looking at me.. i worry this will never happen...
so along with freezing today when i lay down i started talkin to my friend on here - i needed to chat and be busy and try t get warmed up... well we chatted a bit but i was so cold i decided to laydown and curl up for a bit to try and get warm... then the phone rang and it was a good friend - my first CM from here..she is so awesome! anyway we talked a bit...but we didnt talk about me really... i tried to avoid that conversation for today... idk what if anything she can do seeing as she is by law required to report things - whether she would do anything with regars to me and m weight and health... i know she had the abilitybefore - she and my DR and T had me admitted in 08, but since she is no longer my CM but instead a friend - idk her legal limitations for health care providers...
anyway - oh i did take my meds by the way - after purged... i was not about to have another day of bp all dy - dont have the want or energy to do so...so our conversation was about the cats, my boys, her boys and then she had to go...some one had called on her hm line bu when she got toit they had started calling on her cell... she was worried could be hubby so we said good byes for today... we will chat again soon i hope...
ok so here is the challenge of today... the following are pics - (***potentially triggering***) of me.. personallyi find them all disgusting ad i see grossness and rolls... however i am putting side by side to see before and afters... weights will also be added with the pics...
Friday, November 18, 2011
can i get off this ride now? its not any fun!
1140am friday nov 18, 2011
MOOD: ANXIOUS, triggered, dizzy, tired, sad
happy 16th to my son today - this is the sad part... i cant believe he is 16... im not ready for him to be grown yet... oh well such is life...
so the ride... i want OFF! let me get on what that means...
ok so yesterday i had my therapy... i was anxious and wasnt looking foward to it just because the fact i didnt feel like dealing with anything... i knew i needed to go though and i did... there was a lot said and a LOT that im not happy about... so she tells me that the "treatment team" had a phone conference and they feel it is time to bring my husband into the therapy now. they feel he needs tobe made aware of how bad ive gotten and where i am as far as being '1 foot in the hospital bed'... she said if i keep going there is a bed waiting for me and i said no thanx... im not wanting to go into the hospital... so i am REALLY trying HARD to kick mia... im logging my intake so maybe i can be 'allowed' to have some and as long as i do some exercise i think i will feel a little more comfortable with it...
basically i was told i have to let her know whether i agree to bring him into session with me or not by our next apt. well i dont feel i have much choice to be honest... if i dont comply then because the 'team' recommended it i either have to do it or i lose my treatment... well - dont want to lose my treatment but dont want him coming either... however - i am choosing to ask hubby to come because i really do want to get better and without the treatment team - it isnt going to happen...
so i did my measurments lastnight and my waist is 22" my thighs t the thickest section are 15"... ive really lost some inches and im happy about that... however im not too thrilled with the fact that my clothes are really not fitting now... my pants i just bough that are sz 16 girls now need a belt to stay up... not cool...
i stopped at the hospital and got my effexor refilled then went upstairs to see my CM but she is out till monday... i really wanted to see her - i feel like i was sort of side swiped or trapped by them conferencing and my not knowing... especially since i saw her earlier this week and she never mentioned they were going to talk or that this could be recommended. idk i just feel like i needed to discuss it with her and now there is noone available for that...
today i was up at 4am... i have not slept hardly at all for 2 nights now - even with 15mg of melatonin... i have a 100ton hippo sitting on my chest crushing the breath out of me... ive ben taking the anxiety meds but they arent helping worth anything right now... i emailed my psyche med person and told her whats going on and asked what i can do... i cant take this much longer...
i went to walmart this morning and i got some stuff for son's party this afternoon and then that was when i next stopped to get my meds then came home.. i cleaned hubby and my room, our bathroom, made the bed, finished the laundry, picked up the living room and game room, and baked/frosted a cake... no wonder im so tired right now!
when i got up this am i weighed of course - i always do... well once i weighed i was surprised! i cant believe the number on the scale but i guess i shouldhave expected it... there was another drop and even though im not supposed to try and lose more weight i have and i am happy about it as well a - like i said in a previous post - concerned... so no weight being posted as i feel it will be triggering...
i have to go get a friend for my son's birthday later and then im going to go to lil caesars to get some pizzas... im not planning to eat today... yesterday i only had 1x bp... so i am planning to do a 0 today... i have to get rid of mia... will do it slowly but i cant give up... eventually i know i will make it with the right supports...
for now im done... trying hard to not cave to this anxiety which has be highly triggered... chattin with a friend - it usually helps for a bit... but i still have to finish cleaning and bake some cookies - im not sure i can do any of it right now... i guess ill come back later and see what happens...
Thursday, November 17, 2011
hi-ho! hi-ho! off to school we go!
911am Thursday nov17, 2011
MOOD: good question???
i woke to the squawk of the alarm clock for hubby at 420am... irritated too because i was awake almost all night and had just fallen to sleep - oh well..i got up, went to the bathroom and ten back to bed... at 545am here my youngest sons alarm screaming at us and he is no where to be seen... of course - he had woke early and was already downstairs - forgeting to first turn the alarm clock off... ugh... oh well - need the extra time to help middle son get ready and myself ready so i can take him to school today...
i stumbled downstairs, dressed except shoes and sox and began putting the bandage and immobilizer on his leg for him... i then made my husbands breakfast so when he got home ot would be ready just need to be reheated... 10 til 7 and my oldest, middle and myself loa into the van and head off... i drop oldest at his school (across the street from middl sons school) and go park to get my middle into school...
inside i speak with his JROTC Sgt and then his math teacher the finally to the office to speak with the personel there... she welcomes him back from his near week out and then says i have to go to the nurses offce to get the elevator pass nd exused from p until cleared by the specialist... so we walk to the nurses office bu she wasnt there yet... we went next to guidance to reqest makeup work be brought there so he could get all in one trip and not have to walk all ovr the school...next e waited for the nurse...
finall she makes a copy of the note from the speialist for his excused pe and for him to use the elevator she makes him a pass... i tell her about the motrinat noon and he can have ice if he needs it also it needs to be elevated if possible... finally free - i walk to he van through the chilly rain and icey cold wind - was glad the heater worked fast!
i texted hubby i was on my way finally and he says ok... he had his breakfas before i got home and said it was good - didnt mind having to reheat it... i had made him 2 eggs - over easy, eng muffin and some cottage cheese...then we sat on th couch for a few min before he had to return to work... it as nice tojust be close like that...
so the plans for today were NO BP - wll thats not happening... unfortunately i have already been binging an will purge - but i will not for the rest of the day... i think the stress of getting my son to school and worrying about him, as well as the lightheadedness i was havin just triggered me and i want able to escape.. i did tke my meds again though and that helps me do better withbp - for the most part...
worried about a good friend of mine today... i messaged her in yahoo several times with no response - i really hope she i ok... i have the latch hook here and im ready to finish it then i have some more yarn - im going to make another blanket... like we need more! haha! oh well! also have to go by the hospital today to make sure the claim is fixed that we were getting wrongfully charged for and i told my cm id come in and see her when i did that... those things should have me busy until time to do lunch for hubby an then drive to apt at 130... i hope this day doesnt last as long as it feel like it is going too...
1040am... MOOD: ANXIOUS AS HELL
i managed to make the 2 weeks without therapy but ive also had a hard time... ive not written much over the time - just beause the opportunity really hasnt been there... when ive had the time ive not had the ability or just no focus...
i took a shower - was trying to distract myself from this 10 ton hippo sitting on my chest - but it didnt work and i really just feel worse... i took a pill a few minutes ago because i just cant handle this anymore...
finally on with my frien and im really glad she is ok... we are both struggling and i really find it consoling when we can talk... we are so much alike in some ways its like we could be the same person... i guess this is because those of us with the ed really arent as different from each other as we may think or feel...
so while in the shower i was thinking - dangerous i know... anyway, i was thinking that in order for me to have 'safe foods' first i have to have permission to eat... right now if i eat anything - it automatically feels like a binge which results in purging... perfect example is that binge i had this am... i ate some pasta and some tootsie rolls... im not sure if what i ate qualified as just eating or as a binge - either way i purged...
i had planned to not purge - well i was debating it as i went up to my room but the overwhelming screams in my head just took over and i had to purge... the relief to my stomach was an awesome rush as it emptied... i felt like i was going to pop otherwise...
nearly 11am and i just havent done anything yet... im not sure honestly what i can do with this anxiety crushing me... it best get off soon or there won be anything left of me but squish!
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
theres a hippo on my chest!
wed nov 16, 2011
340pm MOOD: ANXIOUS
well there really is not a hippo on my chest - but it FEELS like there is! i have so much anxiety right now! so... let me start with ANAD lastnight - it was ok but i was already anxious and triggered before i got there... i did manage to not bp again which was good... however the male psych was there and im always way more uncomfortable when he is there... since i had planned to 'play hookie' lastnight because i was in a place not good for dealing with issues i just didnt want to have that added anxiety... but i went since there is no meeting next week...
during the meeting they talked about a lot of stuff and i was there but i wasnt 'present' most of the meeting... meaning - i was dissociating and i think i was aware - im not even sure honestly... thinking about it now i know i was but lastnight im not sure if i knew... so i drove home after the meeting, showered and was so ready to sleep! i barely woke this am when the alarm went off and i felt so dam groggy from the melatonin - like it hadnt worn off yet since i had taken it so late...
got up this am and sent my 2 boys - oldest and youngest, off to school, middle stayed home 1 more day due to his leg surgery but he is going tomorrow... i hope he doesnt get bumped or knocked over... i went downstairs and waited for the 2 to get off on the buses and then went up to shower... i was still so tired i sat in there and i started to fall asleep until the bathtub bottom began to hurt my ass... i had been using a handtowel folded into 4-ths to sit on and give cushion but i think hubby threw it in the laundry so i just got out... i dried off, laydown and tried to sleep... i was exhausted and eyes wouldnt stay open but i couldnt sleep - so annoying! i finally got tired of trying and texted my friend on yahoo and turned the tv on to csi Miami and picked up the crocheting... i wanted to finish my sons blanket today so it was as good a time as any to work on it...
i came downstairs at 1115am because i knew hubby would be home about 1145 to have lunch... i made them - hubby and son, grilled cheese with ham sandwiches and a southwestern bean and veggie soup... he was very happy with his meal... i enjoy making him food and knowing it is healthy too...
then the issues started though... i was sitting at the table as he was eating and i was crocheting the blanket... i got up and sat on his lap because well sometimes i just do that lol... so im sitting there crocheting and he grabs my right thigh and says "what the hell? your legs are so skinny - its like only bone" i tried to ignore it then he says "i know youre not eating" and i said "yes i am!" so he says "well you arent doing anything to keep it in your body"... i got off his lap and sat back in the chair and changed the subject to his work day and when he sould be off... i asked if he wanted to watch a movie or do a family game night tonight too... a few min later he left back to work... im not sure but i felt like he was upset with me and will try to continue the conversation tonight - i hope not... im just not mentally or emotionally able to deal with this added shit right now...
so on top of my sons surgery, my husbands chest pains, my anxiety and dumb period... i talked to my mom via speaker phone the other day and well basically she told me she is dying and doesnt know how much longer she has... of course all 3 of my boys were sitting there talking to her with me and heard the whole thing... not cool... my middle is already really having anxiety separation since his surgery and after that conversation - he really seems to be worse... i just hope he makes it at school tomorrow...
today has been a fairly decent day as far as bp... ive not... ive had a bottle of diet green tea and a 28oz tumbler of tea i made in the pitcher here... im not triggered, not hungry and not craving... honestly im quite content within my gut right now... if that makes any sense!
i finished my sons blanket at around 3pm and had my oldest son take a pic of it with me holding it up. so here is the pic:
400pm now and my mood is feeling really anxious still... im about to go take an anxiety pill because this hippo is getting to heavy to hold... i think the hippo needs to go on a diet!
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
o m g!!!
533pm today (well tonight) is tuesday nov, 15 - yikes no updates or checkins since the 10th - not good...
well here is what has been happening and y i havent been writting...
so 11th son had to be at hospital @ 615 am for surgery! we got there 6am seeing as there was a marathon and we were concerned of being trapped in traffic and being late... so we get him all checked in and wait to be called back... finally called back, he gets into a gown and a nurse comes to recheck paper work again and then tells him whats going to happen as she preps him... she gives him the iv and then shaves his leg where the incision will be made... next she tells him she will give him a shot of medication to make him a little sleepy and then he will be wheeled back, get the loopey gas and fall asleep... he is wheeled away - i nearly cry as he is still wide awake and we had been told we could be with him until he was asleep... his face turned blotchy - he was fighting tears as well...
once he was through the double doors dad and i are escorted back to the waiting room... freezing cold i decide on a cup of coffee and i add splenda... i then go further and put a dash of non-dairy creamer in it... it was so warm... felt so good... couldnt purge and right then i was just soaking the heat... i wound up having 3 cups all together before he was out of surgery... hubby ate a bagel with cream cheese and a scone from panera bread - courtesy of the hospital... i was just starting to work on his blanket when we were called back and he was waking up...
when i saw him he wasnt even moving... just breathing and rested... i said his name and kissed his cheek and he stirred it made me feel so much better i was the first he saw as he was waking and hid daddy too... after about 30 min of him really struggling to wake he was awake - sort of, dressed and ready to go - he was starving... he wanted golden corral and so thats where we headed... once there i got his food, got mine and well it ended up anoother day full of bp... i think 3? maybe only 2...
when we got home i lay in the bed and he lay next to me and asks his daddy to lay with us too... he is very cuddly right now and i think it was his being pulled away while still awake... idk... we get up and he takes some meds for his pain and he sleeps some more... poor thing i feel so bad for him... for dinner i was going to make pizza but we dont have any pitas so i decide on something else - scallopini with rice and veggies... he was happy but that was his second choice dinner... i promise ill get the pitas the next day and make his pizza then... when we go to bed, exhausted, i try to sleep but he wakes us every few minutes... between him and my lovely cold sore that i got that night - well the night was shitty...
sat am my son comes into the bed and asks can he lay with us... he is still feeling anxiety seperation i think even though he doesnt admit it... all day he worries about where his daddy and i are and whether he can sit or lay with us... we nap for a bit at one point and i just wait for him to wake before i got up...
my relationship has been anything but physical with hubby this past few days... neither of us has the energy and thats just how it is... he does hold me close before we go to sleep and it feels so safe i drift into a slumber only to be awoken by my son needing his meds in the middle of the night for the pain... oh well... sunday all day i baked cookies and did laundry - just caught some simple stuff up... we watched the last and final part to harry potter and deathly hollows pt II... and i worked on the latch hook , nearly finished it during the movie - which the movie was awesome!
monday comes and im really easily irritated... by EVERYTHING... i thought my period was coming like the 9th or 10th but it went away as fast as it came... who knows what is going on but monday im pmsing and im cranky... i still manage to do some things, made a nice dinner of baked chicken with cream of chicken soup and broccoli in it and then a pot of rice to pour it over... there was like nearly no left overs... bp has been aweful - completely terrible this entire weekend... lets see 3x saturday, sunday and again monday... i had the group also and it was really really triggering for me - the only way i made it was to bp before... while i was there i was able to crochet which helped the anxiety some... but when she asked me to share my story - no way! i am SOOOOOOO not ready for that!
i get home and hubby is already showered and had his hair cut and is ready for bed - wow its early too! we go upstairs, i take meds and change into sleeping clothes and lay next to him on the bed... he wraps his arm around me and pulls me close to him and we watched some silly tv for a bit before my meds make me start to drift off...
i wake at 430am to his alarm screaming at us and quickly fell asleep... my stomach hurts and im not happy... well what do u know? fucking period is here and its killing me! i take some pain meds and go back to sleep until i gotta get the boys off to school... then i go back to shower and hope it helps my dam cramping which at this point was doubling me over... hubby comes home and i had made him a bagel so he showered quick and went to eat before going back to work... he said hed be home for lunch so i tell him ill make him something...
was planning to go back to sleep but that didnt happen...instead i chat on the phone via yahoo with a good friend... she is very down today and i am also... it really helps when she and i talk - we have a lot of shit that we can each relate to the other... she decided on some not so good behaviors for today and i feel sad for her... i know this struggle all too well and i wish she didnt have to have it as well... me - im staying clear of that part though - i have enough issues im fighting dont need to add that back again...
we talk for a while then i get up, dress, make the bed and then decide to put away my laundry... while im doing that i also go through my clothes and pull out the ones that are just toooooo big and put them in a box in the hall closet... i dont plan to ever wear or fit them again - but im not sure i wanna get rid of them just yet either... what happens if i bloat up overnight and cant fit anything? it could happen... just sayin...
i come downstairs to prepare lunch for hubby... should be ready right at noon when he said he would be here... nope - he comes in at 1145 so the lunch is still cooking... grrrr.... i made him sandwiches with boneless ribs, grilled onions and pepper jack cheese on hoagie rolls... he was very happy with that lunch until i told him i wasnt eating when he asked me... so... yep i decided to bp - to keep him happy...
thought i could do no more today but i ended up doing that one and now ive not had anymore since...my weight had dropeed to 101 but then bloat today from period has me at 102.6.... im not happy - im triggered and i want it back down...
so i preparing to head out for anad... ill try to update more tomorrow....
Thursday, November 10, 2011
2x & counting but hopefully not adding...
1:07pm Thursday Nov 10, 2011
MOOD: aggrivated, anxious, nervous, triggered
so the title says it all - yep ive already bp 2x today - but that is so much better than the past 2 days!
i realize the past 2 days has sooo been my own fault... i could blame not taking my meds - but i made the conscious decision to not take them... i wanted to bp... i wanted to feel the emptiness and relieve my stress and fears for a little while... i didnt regret it then - but later in the evening i deff did...
so day before yesterday i dont know wha really went on - i cant recall too much... i think i went to old navy, i know i did the ANAD... it was pretty good... we really talked but we all left early and i found myself bp on the way there AND on the way home... this was a first and im not exactly sure what triggered the after time... it sort of freaks me out...
monday was the first support group for other issues and i know that totally had me triggered... i let it get me and i ended up purging there before i went in and then i was stressed and headachey when i got home - i didnt pay any attention to hubby and just wanted to sleep...
tuesday when i got home i accidentally woke him so then it was time for some attention and even though i felt gross i also needed that feeling of oneness for a bit... i just didnt light any candles or turn on any lights - i just didnt want to be seen...
well then yesterday i went to the hospital and had my sons pre-op dr appt... she filled out the paperwork and talked to him about what the procedure would be... she is really really nice (thats why i changed to her as their PCM now) and she settled a LOT of his fears... we went to walmart and target then chinese food for lunch - ugh... a buffet where i girged myself until i thought i was going to pop (which looking at what i ate - really wasnt that much but it was still too much for this person)... i purged and then we went to toys r us where i stayed in the van and he went in to price skateboards... next back to hospital and see cm...
seeing cm for 2 reasons - i needed her to fax the hospital paperwork over for his surgery... since i dont have a fax and she could do it free - i went that route... but also to see if my dr had responded back to her about my 2 questions 1. about a referral for my foot and 2. about the alcohol allowance...
well the dr still hadnt contacted her so she said she was going to go in this am and talk to the dr for me... i got a call at about 930am this am that the referral was in and i should get notification within 5-7 bus days and the alcohol allownce - well thats just a joke...
then we went to the px and he got his new skateboard and one for his little bro (they have been dog walking to earn the $ for it) and i got my vit c, mag and nac-600... then i bought sandwiches at subway to bp on and drove home... when we got home my youngest was so excited about the new board - he is just learning, and they rushed right out to board.... i continued to binge on my sandwhiches... roast beef for one and steak and cheese for the other - yum... ugh... then i of course purged... i was so exhausted i really needed to rest but i didnt... instead i came down and began preparing things for dinner... i made tacos and then my youngest and i made a cheesecake and baked brownies... there goes another bp...
when i went to bed lastnight i was so tired but i didnt feel like doing anymore bp which was really nice... i asked hubby to just hold me for a bit and that was relly nice but it always leads to the physical part which i didnt mind since we only lit 1 small candle and he could barely see my outline...
when the melatonin kicked in - i was out for the night... i only woke at 330am when i had to pee and again at 4 when his alarm went off - then i was out until my buzzer so rudely decided to sqwak! i got the boys ready for school and debated taking meds or go and bp on the cheesecake since lastnight it wasnt ready and i really wanted it... well i came down and ate cheesecake and cereal and bagel with cream cheese, purged, took meds and sat in the shower till the water was cold... i climbed out, toweled off and lay in the bed where i collapsed into a deep purge caused 'comoatose' sleep... when i woke i buzzed a friend on yahoo and chatted while i dressed and prepared to head out for a bit... i DID NOT want to bp anymore...
well that helped - talking to one of a few of my friends always does - or at least helps me hold off on behaviors a bit... i went to Old Navy and exchanged some pants, bought 1 more pr of jeans and another 2 sweaters then went to walmart... i got some koolaid packets - unsweetened and some diet lipton green tea then went to the comissary... i spent more than i meant to but it was all good stuff and we needed it... then i came home...
as im heading out the driveway of the com - hubby texts 'omwh 4 lunch' crap! so i get home and unload the foods, he comes in and makes his lunch and the proceeds to get me to also eat - this landed me in another binge which meant i again would need to purge... once i was done and purged i felt better and im not eating dinner - even if he pushes me... i dont care tonight...
so a few days ago a friend whom ive known for about mmm almost 2 yrs? she accepted my friend request back to fb and yahoo - im so glad, ive really missed her! ive kept up on her blog and always read her posts to my other friends fb pages... but she didnt want to be my fruend for a while - i think she really isolated from many people... i told her it was ok - i was always going to be here and when she was ready i would be waiting... so yay! we are back on talking and she was who helped me to not cave again this am...
so at old navy the other day, monday, i got 5prs of pants - 2 were yoga long pants from the girls section size 14! omg! i could not and can not believe they fit! i am wearing a pr now! they are really cute too so YAY! the other pants well one pr was so big i had to return for a smaller size and the others i didnt like how they fit... then i got 1 more pr and 2 sweaters from girls section as well... i really like the sweaters so awesome!and they were on clearance which of course was even better!
the weird feelings i was having - with the darkness and not able to breathe and stuff seems to have gone for now - thankfully cuz those were scary... but then yesterday something else started... like these headaches - which im used too... but then it was like everything was pulsing far and near in my head and sounds were like louder or quieter and words were like zooming in and out from the screen... i couldnt focus and i was really irritated... i actually smacked my head a few times to try and make it stop but it didnt help... it was weird... then this am it was gone but when i was at walmart it started again but went away really fast thankfully... i did not like the way it made me feel at all!
i also got really anxious while i was there and had the shakes... now im not sure what the cause was but i think i was afraid of caving to bp and thats what set me off... i just dont really know for sure... i dont plan to cave again though - i cant have anymore incidents like before - i NEED to kick BN out FOR GOOD!
so no therapy until the 17th... guess no cancellations today as i never got a call... oh well - im on my own to make this work... glad i have a few really good friends to 'call' on when i really need it...
i havent cut since the last incident - but i have wanted too... ive just really been fighting it... therapist said its because im turning to something else in response to giving up the bp... well cutting is not going to be the correct answer and i know this...
something else... ok so i was told im going to have to gain the weight back that ive lost since aug... well im NOT ok with this and was struggling to just hold the number i had gotten too... well i lost another lb... so now im only .02lb from my lowest which was in 04 when i was admitted on tube feed... i dont plan on ever doing that again but im also not planning to go back up... honestly - it excites and scares the shit out of me all at the same time... im so happy to have it dropping and not be doing it on purpose or trying, yet im scared to death - almost literally, to let it keep dropping because i cant guarantee it will stop and i dont know how i will cope if it keeps dropping... it makes me crave the lower digits and i want to be in a 2 digit weight so bad i can almost taste it - but yet i cant make myself lose any more... i feel like im in a way better place than 04 anyway because not abusing the lax like i was then and purging is under the 24+x i was doing then... this really causes some major conflicts and screamin arguments in my head...
i think im about finished for today... cant really think of much else to update as of right now... my oldest has his 16 next friday and my middle his surgery tomorrow... this is a massive anxiety, stress and trigger issue for me today... hoping i can fight and resist BN for the rest of the day...
