1249pm sat nov 19, 2011
MOOD: IRRITATED, anxious, annoyed, fustrated, depressed, exhausted, and more i just cant name right now...
well lets begin with yesterday where i left off... after a while, i ended up cavin in and bp... it wasnt a lot - i dont think, was cottage cheese, a bowl of cereal and i think that was all - i dont remember... so ya i purged in which as i walked to the bathroom - i could not even make it upstairs so i ran into he downstairs one where it all came up in mere seconds then i returned to heading to my room to weigh - make sure everything was out... well that highly triggered me some more because the number was still up from when i had woken up... i wasnt up much and i suppose it was due to the koolaid and stuff i hd been guzbut well it was still hard to just let it be... thing is when i purged i had nothing left to get up because it was dry heaving after a second...
well i let it go i guess and i made it through the day... we had to go get the pizzas and when we got done picked up our friend and came home... i had only managed to clean the house, put away all laundry, bake and frost a double layer cake, put in the candles, do the shopping for a few things and while opening a can of the frosting - slicing open my finger! so i got stuff done well enough and i served the pizza which i first had to re-heat bcuz it had taken us so long to get home they were only still warm... so i heated on a reg plate and transferredt o foam plates for everyone... in order to avoid eating i served a piece to myself and tore pieces off, wrapped in paper towel and threw into the trash, then i would walk around pretending to be chewing... i served the cake and ice cream, didnt have any and i made it to bed without a 2x bp... so no - i wasnt proud of hiding like that or pretending - but i was determined to make it through another day without caving to BN more tha i already had...
i worked on the lady bug latch hook some lastnight before heading to bed and was ready for sleep at 9... my sons friend and our family friend stayed over night and the boys were all downstairs laughing and playing ps3 and movies... hubby had to go into work and needed to sleep so i had to make them be quiet - needless to say a restless sleep for me...
woke this am at 6 with hubby and i showered then without thinking went downstairs before taking meds which was a bad idea... i ended up eating - hence purging... so for today - i am at 1x...grrrrr... i had to heat breakfast for all the boys - they wanted left over pizza so that was easy enough! finally after they all ate and hubby went to work i purged nd came to lay in the bed... freezing and literally exhausted... i got up and put on a strapless padded bra and bathing suit bottoms and took some pics... i want to compare with older ones of myself - maybe ill see a difference? well - looking at them do not see a differnce... imstill rolly polly and i can pinch fat all over my body... i know there is more to lose but i have to fight myself to not continue to drop... especially i weighed this am and well it was down even further... my mind was jumping with excitement and fear... im not sure which way i really feel about it... i really just want to be HAPPY.... i just want to like myself, like my body enough that i can function and start doing things i like rather than always be in hiding because im embarrassed of others looking at me.. i worry this will never happen...
so along with freezing today when i lay down i started talkin to my friend on here - i needed to chat and be busy and try t get warmed up... well we chatted a bit but i was so cold i decided to laydown and curl up for a bit to try and get warm... then the phone rang and it was a good friend - my first CM from here..she is so awesome! anyway we talked a bit...but we didnt talk about me really... i tried to avoid that conversation for today... idk what if anything she can do seeing as she is by law required to report things - whether she would do anything with regars to me and m weight and health... i know she had the abilitybefore - she and my DR and T had me admitted in 08, but since she is no longer my CM but instead a friend - idk her legal limitations for health care providers...
anyway - oh i did take my meds by the way - after purged... i was not about to have another day of bp all dy - dont have the want or energy to do so...so our conversation was about the cats, my boys, her boys and then she had to go...some one had called on her hm line bu when she got toit they had started calling on her cell... she was worried could be hubby so we said good byes for today... we will chat again soon i hope...
ok so here is the challenge of today... the following are pics - (***potentially triggering***) of me.. personallyi find them all disgusting ad i see grossness and rolls... however i am putting side by side to see before and afters... weights will also be added with the pics...
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