the wheels in my mind go round and round...

545 am Friday 04 nov, 2011 MOOD: disgusted, feels extremely morbidly obese, challenged...

what does the title mean? well ive neglected to take meds since like tuesday until yesterday... in fact i cant remember right now if i took them monday or not... yesterday i woke at 630am and went to weigh as im on the scale i pick up the meds which i was supposed to take tuesday still sitting on my meds box, and swallowed them down.. at least i had them now.. i only hope they work... im not sure why im having such a horrible struggle with getting myself to take the meds... i know they help - i think it is the disorder maybe self sabotaging me and i have to resist - so this morning i have already taken them... i didnt let myself think i just did it...
when i dont take the meds its like i have a free roam to just bp as much or as little as i want... surprisingly this past few days after not taking them i was still able to control and keep the bp to 3-4x each day... yesterday i took the meds and bp was 2x...and the 2nd one i really thought about before i did it... i ran errands and got some stuff done while debating if i really needed/wanted to do it... i even chatted via text with my friend from ANAD for a bit to help keep me from doing it... eventually i just couldnt fight any further and i gave in... then i made burgers for dinner and i decided im not eating this - i didnt want to purge again... my husband was not happy... he started in on me about his ability to count all the bones in my back without pushing down the shirt because they are just there... he said my hands dont lie when i wrap them around you and around your waste... i just tried o change the conversation and kept abut what i was doing... then he was like want me to prepare your bun for you? i had already said i wasnt eating and he was still pushing - i didnt cave though... i got everything done in the kitchen, all clean after dinner then went to the blanket which i am finishing the trim today and it is finally finished!
wednesday is sort of a blur for me? im not sure but i dont remember too much except getting up fairly late after a bp in the morning... then i went to shower and just couldnt hardly stay awake so i lay down and slept till like 130ish...i knew i was exhausted and purging - well, just makes it worse... so then i went to kenner and saw cm, then i headed down to the records area to show them my sons new id and finally i finished at the tricare center getting info on how to change my boys' dr... i left from there and was supposed to go to the sams and such but i was so exhausted... i went anyway to walmart, target and sams then finally home...
i bought 2 nice sweaters at walmart but once i got home decided i would be taking them back - they were not very thick and i need something to keep me warm not just be cute! so i got all the foods put away and so far had been without majpr bp - i had 1x in the am and then again while i was out... i didnt want to anymore but i had to still make dinner... so i did and i caved... later i caved again and had a bowl of cereal with some toast... so wednesday ended with 4x... this is all i remember of wednesday - dont even remember what the bp was just remember that it was 4x...
then yesterday when i got up i was determined i wasnt going to bp all day... i had to get this shit controlled... well i took the meds at 630am... boys on the bus i went back to sleep for a bit... i woke and then it hit - the craving and i knew my meds had already absorbed so i bp... i showered and laydown exhausted and slept until noon! when i wkoke i was highly triggered and i wanted to purge - i wanted the feeling of numb... i quickly dressed and texted my hubby - no not getting a lunch break today so i left... i headed first to staples, then walmart, goodwill... i was still wanting to purge and i finally just said fuck it and i did... i had golden coral... then i headed home - i felt numb and also the voices had quwelled once i purged... i felt a peace for a few minutes...

i got home it was already almost 4pm... i pulled all my new sweaters out and washed them and then i put them away... im so glad they all fit! i was worried because they look so small and i thought they were going to be too small but i didnt feel like trying them on at goodwill - i knew that would trigger me more...

after i finished with the sweaters i came to my room and started updating my notebooks and finished my goals for this month... it was 537pm and i realized i still hadnt even cooked the dinner yet! i closed everything up and ran downstairs, hooked up the indoor grill and started throwing the stuff together, slicing and cutting as quickly as i could - but hubby came home and the first burgers were still on the grill... grrr... oh well - means when it was done he would still get a hot meal not one he had to reheat.... i finished cooking and then everyone was done eating so i cleaned up then went to work on the blanket... it is nearly done im finishing the trim today and then my son can have it to sleep with - he was so happy about that lastnight! i will start another today for my middle son...

as ive said ive taken my meds already today, have session at 10am so i plan to head to the whole foods, farmers market and then martins before i go... then i will come home... im not planning to have anything today except my tea i made to bring with me... i really want to just clean this system of mine out and try to kick BN once and for all...
at ANAD on tuesday there was a question asked to me by D... the moderator... she asked if i want the team to step in - to take over have the control and i told her no... i dont... i really dont... even now as im typing this i can honestly say i dont...but there is a part of me that feels like if they dont - im not going to be able to stop... even with their support im not doing a great job - in fact ive been epically failing for the most part... i may not want it but im also afraid itmay just have to happen and it really scares me..
i made my goals and one i have that i decided on is going to be a very challenging one for me... i have decided somehow to fill my husband in (to an extent) on the ANAD and what exactly it is for and why im going... im also trying to figure out a way to tell him about the purging etc... and just ask him to be here for me and not keep pushing... when he does it just makes me feel like i am obligated to eat which means i have to purge... i need to be able to eat without the purging and when im feeling badgered pr pushed into eating - the purging must follow... i want to make my meal plans and find a way to get myself to follow them... i did it before - i was able to safely eat some foods but only managed 13 days before i went back to BN... 13 days though! i cant even seem to make it through one now so i willbe even happy with one day then two then three and keep adding... eventually i know i can be BN free...

heres something else... i was talking to a friend online and text when i realized something... i am very very happy to give up BN - i dont want it in my life andymore... but when it comes to AN as much as i know it is unsafe and unhealthy - im not so sure that everyday im 100% wanting to get it out of my life... i feel secure with it - like i know im not blowing up and my clothes will still fit later that night... and other days i really wish i could get rid of all of it...first things firts though - one thing at a time and im tackling BN first... it is the worst. it is nasty, gross, smelly, dangerous and well im sick of wasting food and money to be honest... so ya - BN is first then i will take the next steps in this journey called recovery...

620am now, i guess i am off... need to get sox and shoes still and finish helping the boys get ready for school... hubby said he would be home for breakfast and i said id make him something... he had to get up at 1112pm because some dumb soldier went and got himself in trouble and was at the MP station waiting to be picked up... he didnt get home umntil 223am and then had to get up at 450am for work... i know he is exhausted and i feel so bad for him... he has a very long day today too and will be working very late... i plan to be here at least at lunch to see him because neither of us knows what time his mandatory function will be ending...
650 am MOOD: sour, frustrated, anxious, irritated
i guess you can tell my mood has quickly gone south for the morning... yep thats what happens when i dont take meds like im supposed to for a few days - i either cycle or start to... i hate this - but its my own fault...
so my husband ccame home and i made him breakfast... wearing one of my new tops which i really like... i have with my newer black pants as well and  i asked if he thought it looked ok... not whether he liked it because thats a trap for him and i know that now... he proceeds to grab the waist of the pants and yank them up high and i yelled at him - dam! i yelled... wtf he think im Urkle or something! i dont wear my clothes to my dam chest thanx! not only that but hello - thats how pants are made these days!...

so he then has an attitude and grabs all his things nd comes to give me a kiss - straight faced as hell he says im leaving... u know why im mad... then he says i hate seeing u like this - i know u say and hold to ur ground with what u say but i know my eyes dont lie... then i asked if he would be here for lunch - he says idk... then just leaves... ok so then fuck me... i was honest with him - i have NOT lost further since my last loss... it has been the same what a week? two now? i dont even know and its really frustrating me!
i want to lose more and more.. he doesnt know how hard it is for me to not just keep pushing to lose more... i would but i made a contract to not try to lose more - to try and maintain where i was... this is what im fighting to do right now - it hasnt gone lower at all... as much as i would love for it too -  am fighting myself to keep me from trying to lose more... im sorry he doesnt like to see me like this - i dont like to see me at all... im trying to change and do better - but im only able to go so fast and do so much! im scared to death of the food and the gain... i have no issue eating when im able to purge - thats not a problem... its if i am not able or not allowed - food petrifies me to the point i will and have in the past passed out...
the oddly funny thing is everyone says BN doesnt make you underweight or thin and you dont really lose weight from it... interesting i think seeing as i dont keep shit down and ive been losing... oh but wait! the day before yesterday i was at farmers foods (i think it was wed) anyway they had freshly cut sweet strawberries out for sampling and i took 1/4 of a small one and ate it.. i felt so guilty! i wanted to run into their bathroom and spit it out or eat something else so i could purge - but i didnt... so ehhh... ya it was only a piece but it was more than i normally would have done - especially with fruit, the sugars and carbs yikes! guess i need to go... boys are off to school and i want to leave before i decide to let this trigger from my husband get to me and i bp...numb would be so nice right now!

150pm MOOD: sour, triggered, failed to epic proportions...

so what does this mean? well i went to session and i really did intend on telling her about the cutting but i just could not get the courage to do so until like 5 min or so before session was over... well i guess at least i told her right? so the hard thing now is i dont have an apt next week because my sons surgery is scheduled the same date/time-ish... she put me on her cancellation list so if she gets someone who cancels she will call and offer me the spot... i dont want to sound cruel but i hope someone does because i dont think i can wait 2 weeks to go back then have thanksgiving the week after... this month is going to be one of the most challenging i think...

i feel like this battle is already lost... im not sure if i want to stay standing and continue to fight or not... like i told her today - im selfish in that i dont want to share my boys or my hubby with anyone else - thats what keeps me from completely giving up...

so as im leaving her office i am triggered - i was when i got there and i had been fighting it... i finished the blanket but i had nothing else to do and i just wanted to purge... im not sure why seeing as all it does is make me feel more gross and disgusting and huge... but i did feel that way and i had since i had gotten up... the conversation with hubby just had escalated those feelings and then session... i knew what i was getting into when i went today - i knew i was going to be challenging myself to make it through with all the voices and screaming i had in my head... i was able to explain some of it to my therapist - others well they just got louder and louder and i finally caved... i had bought some snack bars and i ate them as i drove home, then i had a burger and about 5 chips and purged... im done for today. im sickened by my body and my behviors and it disgusts me that i let BN win again today - but it was 1x so i am fighting for no more!

so hubby forgot his phone when he went back from lunch... i knew he would be coming to get it so i ate my food carefully where i could view the road if he drove up... i hid the food so he wouldnt see it if he did come before i had finished... well i saw him pull up so i closed the chips and began prepping the chickens to put in the oven... when he came in my phone had lit and it was a pic of someone showing how much weight she had lost... yes i know - im not supposed to look at that stuff but u know what? i need to try and see what these people look like at the weights they are and the heights... if i can see them as thin, tiny or skeletal - maybe it will let me see me that way? does that make sense? so i do not look thin to me at all... i look huge and like an enormous whale...i am 5'9" and about 46kg... so if i can find a pic of someone my height and same weight and see what i think of them - maybe i can start to see me that way too? idk - i guess i was just trying... anyway he says oh thats just great when he sees the pic... i said it was an email that i had opened and i didnt know what it was... honestly i thought i had closed out of the pic i was looking at because i didnt see what i needed anyway... the pics dont trigger me or enable or even encourage me... a lot of times i look just to see if i can see myself in them and so far i do not... but i rarely look anyway because i am trying to get better... if i keep looking at those - i will keep wanting to see me as i want to be and that isnt going to help me...

heres the thing - i honestly do not know what i want to see or what i want to be... i just want to find myself happy in this skin and not constantly wish i could climb out of it into someone else with a much better body... i dont think id want to like give up my life - i love my family - my hubby and boys so i wouldnt give them up - just a new body. one that is not fat, has no cellulite and idk - i just like,.. i guess i would need to know what that was though wouldnt i? so even now - how will i ever know what im really looking for if i dont know what i am really wanting...wow thats confusing to say the least!

ok - finished the blanket and my baby will be so excited when he comes home! i need to start the next one and read a book - those are 2 of my goals for the month of Nov. also i would like to go out and do something - like socialize with friends other than treatment oriented... ie with C to teach her to crochet... im not sure it will happen seeing as we are both not very social anymore - but we can try... i really REALLY need to get my school papers faxed - this is no joke! i cant keep waiting! i also need to get the app for michaels arts and crafts done and in so i can at least get seasonal hours... something to help really structure my time... even if it is only 2 months - it will be enough to help get me off the bp cycle and maybe just into restricting... i dont think my eating would go normal - it never has before but when i used to work many yrs ago i was able to eat 1x a day and most days keep it down... even if i can do that again it would be massive progress!

so tired... think i need a nap - dam purging really exhausts me... i have chicken in the oven baking... gonn try to make some type of chicken potatoe soup like gnocchi but with potatoes instead and see how it turns out... i think ill do that tomorrow... tonight will be chicken with baked potatoes and dinner rolls with maybe green beans or corn... something healthy and warm for such a dark, nasty, dreary day... off for now...