can i get off this ride now? its not any fun!

1140am friday nov 18, 2011

MOOD: ANXIOUS, triggered, dizzy, tired, sad

happy 16th to my son today - this is the sad part... i cant believe he is 16... im not ready for him to be grown yet... oh well such is life...

so the ride... i want OFF! let me get on what that means...
ok so yesterday i had my therapy... i was anxious and wasnt looking foward to it just because the fact i didnt feel like dealing with anything... i knew i needed to go though and i did... there was a lot said and a LOT that im not happy about... so she tells me that the "treatment team" had a phone conference and they feel it is time to bring my husband into the therapy now. they feel he needs tobe made aware of how bad ive gotten and where i am as far as being '1 foot in the hospital bed'... she said if i keep going there is a bed waiting for me and i said no thanx... im not wanting to go into the hospital... so i am REALLY trying HARD to kick mia... im logging my intake so maybe i can be 'allowed' to have some and as long as i do some exercise i think i will feel a little more comfortable with it...

basically i was told i have to let her know whether i agree to bring him into session with me or not by our next apt. well i dont feel i have much choice to be honest... if i dont comply then because the 'team' recommended it i either have to do it or i lose my treatment... well -  dont want to lose my treatment but  dont want him coming either... however - i am choosing to ask hubby to come because i really do want to get better and without the treatment team - it isnt going to happen...

so i did my measurments lastnight and my waist is 22" my thighs t the thickest section are 15"... ive really lost some inches and im happy about that... however im not too thrilled with the fact that my clothes are really not fitting now... my pants i just bough that are sz 16 girls now need a belt to stay up... not cool...

i stopped at the hospital and got my effexor refilled then went upstairs to see my CM but she is out till monday... i really wanted to see her - i feel like i was sort of side swiped or trapped by them conferencing and my not knowing... especially since i saw her earlier this week and she never mentioned they were going to talk or that this could be recommended. idk i just feel like i needed to discuss it with her and now there is noone available for that...

today i was up at 4am... i have not slept hardly at all for 2 nights now - even with 15mg of melatonin... i have a 100ton hippo sitting on my chest crushing the breath out of me... ive ben taking the anxiety meds  but they arent helping worth anything right now... i emailed my psyche med person and told her whats going on and asked what i can do... i cant take this much longer...

i went to walmart this morning and i got some stuff for son's party this afternoon and then that was when i next stopped to get my meds then came home.. i cleaned hubby and my room, our bathroom, made the bed, finished the laundry, picked up the living room and game room, and baked/frosted a cake... no wonder im so tired right now!

when i got up this am i weighed of course - i always do... well once i weighed i was surprised! i cant believe the number on the scale but i guess i shouldhave expected it... there was another drop and even though im not supposed to try and lose more weight i have and i am happy about it as well a - like i said in a previous post - concerned... so no weight being posted as i feel it will be triggering...

i have to go get a friend for my son's birthday later and then im going to go to lil caesars to get some pizzas... im not planning to eat today... yesterday i only had 1x bp... so i am planning to do a 0 today... i have to get rid of mia...  will do it slowly but i cant give up... eventually i know i will make it with the right supports...

for now im done... trying hard to not cave to this anxiety which has be highly triggered... chattin with a friend - it usually helps for a bit... but i still have to finish cleaning and bake some cookies - im not sure i can do any of it right now... i guess ill come back later and see what happens...