645pm 04 Nov, 2011
MOOD: smug? not really sure...
hmm im not really sure what im feeling but smug seems to fit the profile for now... what do i mean by this? well i was able to successfully avoid dinner however i did have another binge and purge before hubby got home for dinner... i ate some cereal with organic soy milk and a bagel with cream cheese... i purged and i was exhausted - hence my title... now there is an explanation that i will further detail next...
in session today i was talking about how i feel like im not anywhere near as bad as i was before and how i really dont feel i am in any danger or really that this is a problem - minus the purging... well my therapist (T) was saying that i am in danger and that just like then my body is starting to shut down... she said it will be small things and she was naming things... she said how i am always cold - freezing is the proper name i should say... and how it takes me forever to warmup is because my body is sending the blood to the core of my body to keep it going versus completely shutting down... the exhaustion is a sign of my heart struggling to keep up and thats why i have been and keep being so tired... i always just blame it on my iron deficiency and other vitamins... idk - i know she wouldnt lie to me and she wouldnt put me on but i still dont know how to feel what i know...
like i said above i managed to avoid dinner again... i baked chicken which i removed the skin and then sprinkled creole on it and sprayed with joy with flour cooking spray over it and baked it a little longer to make it sort of crunchy... next i made baked potatoes and some mixed veggies... a nice strong healthy meal for the fam... the baked chicken was 2 whole chickens which were $6 and we will get about 4 meals out of it... the dinner tonight, the lunch tomorrow and another dinner which i am making a soup like gnocchi but using potatoes rather than gnocchi... i am sure there will be some left after that for me to make omlets with chicken in it... anyway - not bad for $6 it was 65c a lb... really cant beat that price...
i still have not yet faxed my school papers in - yikes need to get that done! also need to fax my sons papers as they have to be there before the surgery friday... they have no school tues or friday...
sort of had a 'talk' with hubby via text... i told him i am really trying to do better... that i havent lost further weight and that my labs came back good... he said well u can manipulate labs... i know this but i still said i didnt and that i didnt want false info in my records hence the gown weights and always the first am apt available... he said everything must be in his head then... if he wasnt always so judgemental maybe telling him and sharing everything would be easier... i even told him it is really hard to maintain this weight or any for that matter when what i see i dislike to a point of hate... but that i am trying for him and the boys... he let it go after that... so i guess i sort of covered my goal - but i still have time to talk more with him if i get the backbone to do so!
tonight i would really like to do 2 things... i wanted to drink - i didnt know we didnt have any vodka left - guess hubby finished it and i didnt know grrr.... oh well still dont know how much i am 'allowed' anyway... that was another goal for Nov... i had to ask my dr what is the amount i am 'allowed' to have... that and also ask for a referral for my foot... i think im going to have to have that surgery whether i want to or not... ugh... so i did email my CM and ask her if she would email the information to the dr for me since that usually gets a much faster response... she did so now just waiting for the response - probably get that monday morning.... the 2nd thing i really REALLY want to do is cut... i am craving that silver kiss so badly right now... i just want to feel the sting as it embraces my skin and the seeping of the warm dropplettes of blood to the surface... idk if i will or not... i guess we will see... i had to contract with my T this am that i wouldnt... but im not even sure i can keep that contract...
so today - 2x bp and it is 7pm now... i dont feel like eating anything and i really dont feel like purging either...i think this a good thing... tomorrow im not sure what the day will entail... maybe sleeping in late (ya right!) and then cleaning... i really need to do a deep clean of the home as i have fallen behind lately with my lack of energy...
today i deff had more energy as i did yesterday - i know it was and is because i took my meds... im hoping tomorrow i wont have such an issue taking my meds.. i know i need them... why is it so hard to get myself to take them? i already know the answer i am just trying to ignore it - i know its ed... see i know if i take the meds - i wont be able to bp at least not right when i get up and then later if i bp i will really have to think about it... if i think about it it makes me more guilty for doing it but i still do it anyway - sometimes... so if i dont take them - i can come down and bp and not feel guilt or worry about purging my meds... also if i eat then noone says anything to me and i can purge... sometimes i do that and take the meds after but i am trying to just take the meds first thing in the morning so i dont bp at all... this is my goal... not someone elses goal - not a goal from my T - this is something i am doing on my own... however, if i miss my meds 1x more she said she will make sure my husband is the one who has to administer my meds - no thanx!
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