911am Thursday nov17, 2011
MOOD: good question???
i woke to the squawk of the alarm clock for hubby at 420am... irritated too because i was awake almost all night and had just fallen to sleep - oh well..i got up, went to the bathroom and ten back to bed... at 545am here my youngest sons alarm screaming at us and he is no where to be seen... of course - he had woke early and was already downstairs - forgeting to first turn the alarm clock off... ugh... oh well - need the extra time to help middle son get ready and myself ready so i can take him to school today...
i stumbled downstairs, dressed except shoes and sox and began putting the bandage and immobilizer on his leg for him... i then made my husbands breakfast so when he got home ot would be ready just need to be reheated... 10 til 7 and my oldest, middle and myself loa into the van and head off... i drop oldest at his school (across the street from middl sons school) and go park to get my middle into school...
inside i speak with his JROTC Sgt and then his math teacher the finally to the office to speak with the personel there... she welcomes him back from his near week out and then says i have to go to the nurses offce to get the elevator pass nd exused from p until cleared by the specialist... so we walk to the nurses office bu she wasnt there yet... we went next to guidance to reqest makeup work be brought there so he could get all in one trip and not have to walk all ovr the school...next e waited for the nurse...
finall she makes a copy of the note from the speialist for his excused pe and for him to use the elevator she makes him a pass... i tell her about the motrinat noon and he can have ice if he needs it also it needs to be elevated if possible... finally free - i walk to he van through the chilly rain and icey cold wind - was glad the heater worked fast!
i texted hubby i was on my way finally and he says ok... he had his breakfas before i got home and said it was good - didnt mind having to reheat it... i had made him 2 eggs - over easy, eng muffin and some cottage cheese...then we sat on th couch for a few min before he had to return to work... it as nice tojust be close like that...
so the plans for today were NO BP - wll thats not happening... unfortunately i have already been binging an will purge - but i will not for the rest of the day... i think the stress of getting my son to school and worrying about him, as well as the lightheadedness i was havin just triggered me and i want able to escape.. i did tke my meds again though and that helps me do better withbp - for the most part...
worried about a good friend of mine today... i messaged her in yahoo several times with no response - i really hope she i ok... i have the latch hook here and im ready to finish it then i have some more yarn - im going to make another blanket... like we need more! haha! oh well! also have to go by the hospital today to make sure the claim is fixed that we were getting wrongfully charged for and i told my cm id come in and see her when i did that... those things should have me busy until time to do lunch for hubby an then drive to apt at 130... i hope this day doesnt last as long as it feel like it is going too...
1040am... MOOD: ANXIOUS AS HELL
i managed to make the 2 weeks without therapy but ive also had a hard time... ive not written much over the time - just beause the opportunity really hasnt been there... when ive had the time ive not had the ability or just no focus...
i took a shower - was trying to distract myself from this 10 ton hippo sitting on my chest - but it didnt work and i really just feel worse... i took a pill a few minutes ago because i just cant handle this anymore...
finally on with my frien and im really glad she is ok... we are both struggling and i really find it consoling when we can talk... we are so much alike in some ways its like we could be the same person... i guess this is because those of us with the ed really arent as different from each other as we may think or feel...
so while in the shower i was thinking - dangerous i know... anyway, i was thinking that in order for me to have 'safe foods' first i have to have permission to eat... right now if i eat anything - it automatically feels like a binge which results in purging... perfect example is that binge i had this am... i ate some pasta and some tootsie rolls... im not sure if what i ate qualified as just eating or as a binge - either way i purged...
i had planned to not purge - well i was debating it as i went up to my room but the overwhelming screams in my head just took over and i had to purge... the relief to my stomach was an awesome rush as it emptied... i felt like i was going to pop otherwise...
nearly 11am and i just havent done anything yet... im not sure honestly what i can do with this anxiety crushing me... it best get off soon or there won be anything left of me but squish!
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