wed nov 16, 2011
340pm MOOD: ANXIOUS
well there really is not a hippo on my chest - but it FEELS like there is! i have so much anxiety right now! so... let me start with ANAD lastnight - it was ok but i was already anxious and triggered before i got there... i did manage to not bp again which was good... however the male psych was there and im always way more uncomfortable when he is there... since i had planned to 'play hookie' lastnight because i was in a place not good for dealing with issues i just didnt want to have that added anxiety... but i went since there is no meeting next week...
during the meeting they talked about a lot of stuff and i was there but i wasnt 'present' most of the meeting... meaning - i was dissociating and i think i was aware - im not even sure honestly... thinking about it now i know i was but lastnight im not sure if i knew... so i drove home after the meeting, showered and was so ready to sleep! i barely woke this am when the alarm went off and i felt so dam groggy from the melatonin - like it hadnt worn off yet since i had taken it so late...
got up this am and sent my 2 boys - oldest and youngest, off to school, middle stayed home 1 more day due to his leg surgery but he is going tomorrow... i hope he doesnt get bumped or knocked over... i went downstairs and waited for the 2 to get off on the buses and then went up to shower... i was still so tired i sat in there and i started to fall asleep until the bathtub bottom began to hurt my ass... i had been using a handtowel folded into 4-ths to sit on and give cushion but i think hubby threw it in the laundry so i just got out... i dried off, laydown and tried to sleep... i was exhausted and eyes wouldnt stay open but i couldnt sleep - so annoying! i finally got tired of trying and texted my friend on yahoo and turned the tv on to csi Miami and picked up the crocheting... i wanted to finish my sons blanket today so it was as good a time as any to work on it...
i came downstairs at 1115am because i knew hubby would be home about 1145 to have lunch... i made them - hubby and son, grilled cheese with ham sandwiches and a southwestern bean and veggie soup... he was very happy with his meal... i enjoy making him food and knowing it is healthy too...
then the issues started though... i was sitting at the table as he was eating and i was crocheting the blanket... i got up and sat on his lap because well sometimes i just do that lol... so im sitting there crocheting and he grabs my right thigh and says "what the hell? your legs are so skinny - its like only bone" i tried to ignore it then he says "i know youre not eating" and i said "yes i am!" so he says "well you arent doing anything to keep it in your body"... i got off his lap and sat back in the chair and changed the subject to his work day and when he sould be off... i asked if he wanted to watch a movie or do a family game night tonight too... a few min later he left back to work... im not sure but i felt like he was upset with me and will try to continue the conversation tonight - i hope not... im just not mentally or emotionally able to deal with this added shit right now...
so on top of my sons surgery, my husbands chest pains, my anxiety and dumb period... i talked to my mom via speaker phone the other day and well basically she told me she is dying and doesnt know how much longer she has... of course all 3 of my boys were sitting there talking to her with me and heard the whole thing... not cool... my middle is already really having anxiety separation since his surgery and after that conversation - he really seems to be worse... i just hope he makes it at school tomorrow...
today has been a fairly decent day as far as bp... ive not... ive had a bottle of diet green tea and a 28oz tumbler of tea i made in the pitcher here... im not triggered, not hungry and not craving... honestly im quite content within my gut right now... if that makes any sense!
i finished my sons blanket at around 3pm and had my oldest son take a pic of it with me holding it up. so here is the pic:
400pm now and my mood is feeling really anxious still... im about to go take an anxiety pill because this hippo is getting to heavy to hold... i think the hippo needs to go on a diet!
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