2x & counting but hopefully not adding...

1:07pm Thursday Nov 10, 2011

MOOD: aggrivated, anxious, nervous, triggered

so the title says it all - yep ive already bp 2x today - but that is so much better than the past 2 days!
i realize the past 2 days has sooo been my own fault... i could blame not taking my meds - but i made the conscious decision to not take them... i wanted to bp... i wanted to feel the emptiness and relieve my stress and fears for a little while... i didnt regret it then - but later in the evening i deff did...

so day before yesterday i dont know wha really went on - i cant recall too much... i think i went to old navy, i know i did the ANAD... it was pretty good... we really talked but we all left early and i found myself bp on the way there AND on the way home... this was a first and im not exactly sure what triggered the after time... it sort of freaks me out...

monday was the first support group for other issues and i know that totally had me triggered... i let it get me and i ended up purging there before i went in and then i was stressed and headachey when i got home - i didnt pay any attention to hubby and just wanted to sleep...

tuesday when i got home i accidentally woke him so then it was time for some attention and even though i felt gross i also needed that feeling of oneness for a bit... i just didnt light any candles or turn on any lights - i just didnt want to be seen...

well then yesterday i went to the hospital and had my sons pre-op dr appt... she filled out the paperwork and talked to him about what the procedure would be... she is really really nice (thats why i changed to her as their PCM now) and she settled a LOT of his fears... we went to walmart and target then chinese food for lunch - ugh... a buffet where i girged myself until i thought i was going to pop (which looking at what i ate - really wasnt that much but it was still too much for this person)... i purged and then we went to toys r us where i stayed in the van and he went in to price skateboards... next back to hospital and see cm...

seeing cm for 2 reasons - i needed her to fax the hospital paperwork over for his surgery... since i dont have a fax and she could do it free - i went that route... but also to see if my dr had responded back to her about my 2 questions 1. about a referral for my foot and 2. about the alcohol allowance...
well the dr still hadnt contacted her so she said she was going to go in this am and talk to the dr for me... i got a call at about 930am this am that the referral was in and i should get notification within 5-7 bus days and the alcohol allownce - well thats just a joke...

then we went to the px and he got his new skateboard and one for his little bro (they have been dog walking to earn the $ for it) and i got my vit c, mag and nac-600... then i bought sandwiches at subway to bp on and drove home... when we got home my youngest was so excited about the new board - he is just learning, and they rushed right out to board.... i continued to binge on my sandwhiches... roast beef for one and steak and cheese for the other - yum... ugh... then i of course purged... i was so exhausted i really needed to rest but i didnt... instead i came down and began preparing things for dinner... i made tacos and then my youngest and i made a cheesecake and baked brownies... there goes another bp...

when i went to bed lastnight i was so tired but i didnt feel like doing anymore bp which was really nice... i asked hubby to just hold me for a bit and that was relly nice but it always leads to the physical part which i didnt mind since we only lit 1 small candle and he could barely see my outline...

when the melatonin kicked in - i was out for the night... i only woke at 330am when i had to pee and again at 4 when his alarm went off - then i was out until my buzzer so rudely decided to sqwak! i got the boys ready for school and debated taking meds or go and bp on the cheesecake since lastnight it wasnt ready and i really wanted it... well i came down and ate cheesecake and cereal and bagel with cream cheese, purged, took meds and sat in the shower till the water was cold... i climbed out, toweled off and lay in the bed where i collapsed into a deep purge caused 'comoatose' sleep... when i woke i buzzed a friend on yahoo and chatted while i dressed and prepared to head out for a bit... i DID NOT want to bp anymore...

well that helped - talking to one of a few of my friends always does - or at least helps me hold off on behaviors a bit... i went to Old Navy and exchanged some pants, bought 1 more pr of jeans and another 2 sweaters then went to walmart... i got some koolaid packets - unsweetened and some diet lipton green tea then went to the comissary... i spent more than i meant to but it was all good stuff and we needed it... then i came home...

as im heading out the driveway of the com - hubby texts 'omwh 4 lunch' crap! so i get home and unload the foods, he comes in and makes his lunch and the proceeds to get me to also eat - this landed me in another binge which meant i again would need to purge... once i was done and purged i felt better and im not eating dinner - even if he pushes me... i dont care tonight...

so a few days ago a friend whom ive known for about mmm almost 2 yrs? she accepted my friend request back to fb and yahoo - im so glad, ive really missed her! ive kept up on her blog and always read her posts to my other friends fb pages... but she didnt want to be my fruend for a while - i think she really isolated from many people... i told her it was ok - i was always going to be here and when she was ready i would be waiting... so yay! we are back on talking and she was who helped me to not cave again this am...

so at old navy the other day, monday, i got 5prs of pants - 2 were yoga long pants from the girls section size 14! omg! i could not and can not believe they fit! i am wearing a pr now! they are really cute too so YAY! the other pants well one pr was so big i had to return for a smaller size and the others i didnt like how they fit... then i got 1 more pr and 2 sweaters from girls section as well... i really like the sweaters so awesome!and they were on clearance which of course was even better!

the weird feelings i was having - with the darkness and not able to breathe and stuff seems to have gone for now - thankfully cuz those were scary... but then yesterday something else started... like these headaches - which im used too... but then it was like everything was pulsing far and near in my head and sounds were like louder or quieter and words were like zooming in and out from the screen... i couldnt focus and i was really irritated... i actually smacked my head a few times to try and make it stop but it didnt help... it was weird... then this am it was gone but when i was at walmart it started again but went away really fast thankfully... i did not like the way it made me feel at all!

i also got really anxious while i was there and had the shakes... now im not sure what the cause was but i think i was afraid of caving to bp and thats what set me off... i just dont really know for sure... i dont plan to cave again though - i cant have anymore incidents like before - i NEED to kick BN out FOR GOOD!

so no therapy until the 17th... guess no cancellations today as i never got a call... oh well - im on my own to make this work... glad i have a few really good friends to 'call' on when i really need it...

i havent cut since the last incident - but i have wanted too... ive just really been fighting it... therapist said its because im turning to something else in response to giving up the bp... well cutting is not going to be the correct answer and i know this...

something else... ok so i was told im going to have to gain the weight back that ive lost since aug... well im NOT ok with this and was struggling to just hold the number i had gotten too... well i lost another lb... so now im only .02lb from my lowest which was in 04 when i was admitted on tube feed... i dont plan on ever doing that again but im also not planning to go back up... honestly - it excites and scares the shit out of me all at the same time... im so happy to have it dropping and not be doing it on purpose or trying, yet im scared to death - almost literally, to let it keep dropping because i cant guarantee it will stop and i dont know how i will cope if it keeps dropping... it makes me crave the lower digits and i want to be in a 2 digit weight so bad i can almost taste it - but yet i cant make myself lose any more... i feel like im in a way better place than 04 anyway because not abusing the lax like i was then and purging is under the 24+x i was doing then... this really causes some major conflicts and screamin arguments in my head...

i think im about finished for today... cant really think of much else to update as of right now... my oldest has his 16 next friday and my middle his surgery tomorrow... this is a massive anxiety, stress and trigger issue for me today... hoping i can fight and resist BN for the rest of the day...