YAY! YAY! YAY! ITS DAY 4~

305pm sunday dec 4, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: i am extremely triggered right now but doing so well! i am happy! i have finally been able to be consistent with fasting for (330 today is 4 days since i last ate anything) 4 days! this means i have not been purging either! cant purge if i dont eat! so now once i get comfortable idk how many days, i will begin trying to make foods safe and putting into my body... i still do NOT plan to gain however...

sotoday i got a pressur cooker! yay! im using it now to see how i like it... so far its pretty good since the chicken wasnt thawed and neither s the ground turkey - which i was supposed to make tacos with tonight... so ya - good thing this cooks foods even if not fully defrosted...

today i have been SUPER kitchen busy! ive made: waffles, sausage, eggs for the family for breakfast... for lunch they had sandwiches and i made my youngest sons.... next i bake 52 sugar cookies, 3packages of muffins, croissants, breadsticks, almost 10 lbs if chicken in my new cooker, reorganized the fridge and cleaned the kitchen. im tired now but still cooking the last of the chicken. i drank 2quarts of koolaid made with splenda... hope to put away my laundry and get a nap and figure a way out of dinner...

so here goes for day 4... i know i cant eat yet - if  i do i will purge because i am just not ready for that step yet... im doing this MY way so i can make sure im successful.... this is the only goal right now - stop purging and be purge free 31 days for the new year...

i know - im an acrobat! really???

02 dec, 2011 610am                    (97.8)
MOOD/EMOTIONS: exhausted, anxious, slightly manic (?), down, determined, motivated

well let me start with a score 0:1 yep - i made it yesterday! so here is what happened - i decided wed night that i am D O N E with bn - period. it has to go. i cant keep doing this... so i told myself "i WILL NOT ALLOW myself to purge" this means whatever i put in - has to stay in... YIKES!!! talk about scared shitless! so ya i made it yesterday and today is my 2nd day... will see how it goes...

so as far as being exhausted - well i didnt sleep at all lastnight. been awake since 5am yesterday after only 3hrs of restless sleep the night before... i think i should be exhausted... hence this is why i said slightly manic as well... i was going - going - going yesterday and i didnt stop to rest until 7pm! so im not sure what is going on i even took 15mg of melatonin both nights...

so i should explain my daily title...
lastnight i was thinking about the ed... and i came to a conclusion that i am an acrobat by selection not choice... because i am afraid of heights -well it deffinetly doesnt make me very happy! i see myself as a tight rope walker with a long pole... ive been walking this rope a long time and my balance is good... so far able to catch myself when i would lose focus and balance or pull myself back up to standing and walking position... the scariest part of this is that below me is nothing but black... i have no idea what is down there - a net? a black hole? concrete? i have to keep walking and keep excellent balance and focus so i dont learn what is there...

so with the ed it is sort of the same idea... i have no idea what i am getting myself into on the other side... do i know it wont make me fatter? what if i hate myself even more? how do i know it will make me happy as everyone tells me? this is scary as shit but im doin it.... even if it was only 1 day - it was O N E day! i havent made1 day in a long time and i still feel determined and motivated to make this work... my goal is i am purge free as of right now ... at the end of dec - 31 days free of purging - THAT will be a huge step and i AM going to do it....
so the last part has to do with todays events... just thinking abut it is making my stomach flop... i am so anxious and the meds are not helping... i suppose the anxiety wont go away until ive gone through session... i just hope i make it out alive - i am feeling anxious enough i think my chest may explode!

150pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: triggered, tired, anxious, nervous, afraid

i went through session today and it was vey hard.... i found myself extremely anxious and fighting the thoughts that were screaming at me... i know i cant gain weight from water - so the voice needs to leave me be...

right now i am fighting excuses i have in my head to allow for bp... it is a difficult and painful battle... my stomach hurts really bad and my chest feels like a 100 ton of hippos are on it... i have to keep fighting and i have to make it...

i always let myself down - not anymore... i will not allow myself to keep going because there is no purpose - it will kill me and probably sooner than later at this rate... if i let myself cave now - i will stop fighting and the end result will surely be death... i cant do that... right now - i need to prove i can do it... the bad part is uitting cold turkey causes massive pains due to digestion...

i am so cold again - i have not been able to get and stay warm, my toe nails are purple - as are my finger nails... but the worst and most annoying part is my hands tingling continuously - they dont stop even when i am warm and it is so annoying!

i think i want a nap - but i think sleepng now might be a bad idea and i wont sleep tonight... i guess ill go work on cutting and marinating veggies for tonights dinner for the fam - not me... fasting - 3 days minimum... to cleanse my system and be able to make it when i do finall have to start allowing myself to eat AND keep it down... this is necessary - i know but it is also - punishment... if i eat i am not allowed to purge so i had BEST be sure what i am putting i is worth it...

the hardest part of session today was admitting i know  have a problem and i have to work on believing it... that potentially my life is at risk and vitamins will only carry me so far for so long... the other part was admitting that losing weight without trying has me conflicted... i love the loss - fantastic! bbbuuuttt.... well i havent worked for it - earned it - so i dont deserve it... yet im not going to be able to gain - no way... not anytime soon anyway...

as far as the work to allow myself to drink liuids - today i am on my 3rd bottle of liquid... although it has no calories it is keeping me going and THAT is todays goal... well i suppose im going for now... i will try to add more later.

im sorry ive been away so long...

Thursday Dec. 01,2011
MOOD: ANXOUS, determined, hopeful, triggered, trying, motivated

well - it has been quite a few days since i last updated... so i was out bcuz i didnt have the mone to pay the bill until today...so now its paid and back upan i can sar writting again... however im not going to go al the way back ill just go back a few... i will let you know my TG Day was good - at first... then it ended with bp x1 also the dinner with hubbies work - well that day was aweful...

so now on to tuesay this past week... well it was aweful... i bp too many times and right now cant even recall... i think it started from the group on monday night - that was a hard one and triggering... i didnt cave when i got home but i woke triggered in the morning, then my son was hurt and had togo to er, i forgot to take meds cuz i left in such a hurry... well that ended in bp way too many times...i went to ANAD and i just wasnt in a good place... had horrible headache which i attoned to potentially low K levels... i took supplements when i got home and went to bed and in the morning headache was gone... idk it could have been i was tired too...

yesterday was another trigger filled day... i woke and bp on home made pancakes with ham i had baked the night before... i took my meds and slept in until 1030... i got up and did some things around the house, made lunch for hubby, took to him... came home and bp again... ugh... so then i finally climbed into the van - i decided i had to get out of the house and was supposed to see CM so thats where i went... turns out sh had let early - poo, shouldve stayed in bed... oh well went to GNC bought some vitamins, a sandwhich and cookies at subway which i purged when i got home.. so ended with 3x yesterday... too many again!

went to bed with a stomach ache, bladder pain - very BAD pains, and masive low K headache... took 2 K and went to sleep... i tried that is... i barely slept lastnight and when i finally did, well the last look at th clock was 213am... then the alarm went off for hubby at 500am -awake again and ever since...
i got up took all meds and then laydown a little to get warm and trying to sleep - didnt happen so got up at 6 and dressed and started doing stuff lik payin he comcast bill... then i started sortin coupons - throwing out the expired ones and clipping those i hadnt done yet were just needing cut out... i finished that and then went to the site Krazycouponlady.com and printed out some new coupons...  i just finished with that and started trying to organize them and decided to write as well...

so i am very triggered right now and im fighting... my heartis racing and anxiety is high - even with the meds... i am determined today though i have decided if i eat anything im not allowed to purge - no matter what or how much it is... this is scary as shit for me so idk if i will eat or not today... im sick of purging and i just want to stop -so im going too...

really nervous and anxious for tomorrows session... we r supposed to talk about my bringing hubby in with me and telling him whats all going on and how bad it has gotten... she told me at last session i have 1 foot in the hospital and a be waiting if anythig happens - no thanx! im not sure how much i want hubby to know - i think that is the ed speaking though and so i have to counter it and fight...we will see how it works out i guess...

well gotta get these coupons done, need to see CM, go g shopping, sears, target, walmart... tons to do!

today is a lllloooonnnngggg day...

140pm sunday nov 20, 2011

MOOD: exhausted, anxious, triggered, sore throat and headache...

i woke this am at 7 - well i was already really awake but i actually got out the bed and finally took 800mg motrin... this migraine i had started in the night and i thought i was dying... thn i lay back down and tried to sleep... no luck so finally i grabbed my phone and sent a meassage to my friend and a text o hubby for when would he be home s his breakfast would be ready... at 9am i lazily dressed in sleep pants entirely too big for me with a tsirt and a long sleeve sweater...

i had known i was triggere and i was trying to fight and be careful but i ened up caving in...i made my huby a bagel with egg n cheese and some coffee and while those were cooking i made some oatmeal with raisins... when his was done mine was done and we sat to eat... well he decided he was not going to sleep because he wasnt sleepy and i made  bagel for my youngest with butter and cream cheese and a bagel for me with butter, pb and honey...when i got done i tried to fight the voices telling me how fat i was getting sitting there and after about 5 min i couldnt take it anymore and ran into the bathroom downstair to empty it from my gut... i then went to my room, stripped, weighed, redressed and carried the latch hook downstairs... while down there i took my effexor since after i had weighed i tok my other meds as well...

after a few minutes i decided i was exhausted and was going to try to sleep - not do the latch hook right then... i slowly climbed the stairs completely exhausted and feeling exherted with eaxh step and breath the made my way to my bed... climbed in an grabbed my phone to chat with my friend... idk how long we chatted - not long, but som where around 11 i decided to log out and ty to sleep a little... well i drifted off quickly and i woke startled by some child outside or next door screaming and crying no! no! i didint do it! i wont! and at first it was so soft i thougt was in my mind but when i jumped nd woke it was a little louder and i went to check to be certain was not one of my boys in trouble which it was not....

i came back to my bed where i had to change all my clothes and put a towel down on the bed... i do not EVER sweat - im always cold but for some reason i had awoke in complete saturation of sweat through my clothing and onto the bed sheets... i was still chilly so i wonder if i could have had a fver andi broke from the motrin - maybe thats what the migraine was from?... i lay back down with my phon and start to talk with m friend agin, guess i was aslee nearly  hrs - yikes! ting is i still feel tired, like ive not slept, my eyelids are heavy and drooping and i can barely keep em open...

im highly triggered - woke from the sleep like this and the tiredness just makes me feel more triggred... i know if i bp it will exhaust me but for a bit i wll also have loads of energy... trying to figt it and my friend is as well so we keep talking... i decided to log into my laptop maybe this will wake m up and help wit the need to bp??? idk - but it is not helping yet!

so far today i have bp once, have a sore throat and a migraine... have to make tacos for dinner and tke my friend home plus get some gas... i hope i am strong eough to finally strike back at mia today...

lost the 3rd round...break time fight some more tomorrow...

649 pm nov 19, 2011
MOOD: disgusted, fat, bloated, gross, want to cut.

i am really disgusted with myself and my falling to my ass again... mia won a 3rd round and im exhausted... i really need some sleep so very bad and purging just makes me so much more exhausted...
i want to cut so very very badly... i have the time and opportnity too since hubby is working 24hrs... i need to fight myself though - i just can have anything happen that could land my ass into the hospital faster than i am already seeming to get there... i dont want to be in the hospital but im not sure of my chances of staying out either...

my boys r having another friend sleep over tonight and im going to try and stay up to watch a movie - if i dont then it comes on again dec 3,4 and 5 all morning times which is way bettr for me...

so this am i took my meds like i said - they were late though and the day ended up not only being long but also a triggerful day and i was trying to figure out why  felt so much "weaker" in my rounds with mia when i realized i had not taken all of my meds... my effexor was filled yesterday but it is downstairs - i had forgotten to take it... tomorrow i will be sure to not forget... i will finish the latch hook tomorrow as i didnt have the focus today... also i will begin another blanket athat usually keeps me warm... hubby will probably be sleeping for most the day so i may just stay in the bed with him and try to catch some extra sleep myslef... idk yet...

well im going for now... gonna try to catchsom zzzz's before the movie tonight...

i think im becoming an icescicle! ***potentially triggering**

1249pm sat nov 19, 2011

MOOD: IRRITATED, anxious, annoyed, fustrated, depressed, exhausted, and more i just cant name right now...

well lets begin with yesterday where i left off... after a while, i ended up cavin in and bp... it wasnt a lot - i dont think, was cottage cheese, a bowl of cereal and i think that was all - i dont remember... so ya i purged in which as i walked to the bathroom - i could not even make it upstairs so i ran into he downstairs one where it all came up in mere seconds then i returned to heading to my room to weigh - make sure everything was out... well that highly triggered me some more because the number was still up from when i had woken up... i wasnt up much and i suppose it was due to the koolaid and stuff i hd been guzbut well it was still hard to just let it be... thing is when i purged i had nothing left to get up because it was dry heaving after a second...

well i let it go i guess and i made it through the day... we had to go get the pizzas and when we got done picked up our friend and came home... i had only managed to clean the house, put away all laundry, bake and frost a double layer cake, put in the candles, do the shopping for a few things and while opening a can of the frosting - slicing open my finger! so i got stuff done well enough and i served the pizza which i first had to re-heat bcuz it had taken us so long to get home they were only still warm... so i heated on a reg plate and transferredt o foam plates for everyone... in order to avoid eating i served a piece to myself and tore pieces off, wrapped in paper towel and threw into the trash, then i would walk around pretending to be chewing... i served the cake and ice cream, didnt have any and i made it to bed without a 2x bp... so no - i wasnt proud of hiding like that or pretending - but i was determined to make it through another day without caving to BN more tha i already had...

i worked on the lady bug latch hook some lastnight before heading to bed and was ready for sleep at 9... my sons friend and our family friend stayed over night and the boys were all downstairs laughing and playing ps3 and movies... hubby had to go into work and needed to sleep so i had to make them be quiet - needless to say a restless sleep for me...

woke this am at 6 with hubby and i showered then without thinking went downstairs before taking meds which was a bad idea... i ended up eating - hence purging... so for today - i am at 1x...grrrrr... i had to heat breakfast for all the boys - they wanted left over pizza so that was easy enough! finally after they all ate and hubby went to work i purged nd came to lay in the bed... freezing and literally exhausted... i got up and put on a strapless padded bra and bathing suit bottoms and took some pics... i want to compare with older ones of myself - maybe ill see a difference? well - looking at them  do not see a differnce... imstill rolly polly and i can pinch fat all over my body... i know there is more to lose but i have to fight myself to not continue to drop... especially i weighed this am and well it was down even further... my mind was jumping with excitement and fear... im not sure which way i really feel about it... i really just want to be HAPPY.... i just want to like myself, like my body enough that i can function and start doing things i like rather than always be in hiding because im embarrassed of others looking at me.. i worry this will never happen...

so along with freezing today when i lay down i started talkin to my friend on here - i needed to chat and be busy and try t get warmed up... well we chatted a bit but i was so cold i decided to laydown and curl up for a bit to try and get warm... then the phone rang and it was a good friend - my first CM from here..she is so awesome! anyway we talked a bit...but we didnt talk about me really... i tried to avoid that conversation for today... idk what if anything she can do seeing as she is by law required to report things - whether she would do anything with regars to me and m weight and health... i know she had the abilitybefore - she and my DR and T had me admitted in 08, but since she is no longer my CM but instead a friend - idk her legal limitations for health care providers...

anyway - oh i did take my meds by the way - after  purged... i was not about to have another day of bp all dy -  dont have the want or energy to do so...so our conversation was about the cats, my boys, her boys and then she had to go...some one had called on her hm line bu when she got toit they had started calling on her cell... she was worried could be hubby so we said good byes for today... we will chat again soon i hope...

ok so here is the challenge of today... the following are pics - (***potentially triggering***) of me.. personallyi find them all disgusting ad i see grossness and rolls... however i am putting side by side to see before and afters... weights will also be added with the pics...

124

108

103

100.0

100.0

sorry these r sideways - wont let me rotate em even though i saved them right sde up...technology sometimes its great other times not so much... a difference? not that i cn see - i look exactly the same with each one... what will it take to see something different - something better?

can i get off this ride now? its not any fun!

1140am friday nov 18, 2011

MOOD: ANXIOUS, triggered, dizzy, tired, sad

happy 16th to my son today - this is the sad part... i cant believe he is 16... im not ready for him to be grown yet... oh well such is life...

so the ride... i want OFF! let me get on what that means...
ok so yesterday i had my therapy... i was anxious and wasnt looking foward to it just because the fact i didnt feel like dealing with anything... i knew i needed to go though and i did... there was a lot said and a LOT that im not happy about... so she tells me that the "treatment team" had a phone conference and they feel it is time to bring my husband into the therapy now. they feel he needs tobe made aware of how bad ive gotten and where i am as far as being '1 foot in the hospital bed'... she said if i keep going there is a bed waiting for me and i said no thanx... im not wanting to go into the hospital... so i am REALLY trying HARD to kick mia... im logging my intake so maybe i can be 'allowed' to have some and as long as i do some exercise i think i will feel a little more comfortable with it...

basically i was told i have to let her know whether i agree to bring him into session with me or not by our next apt. well i dont feel i have much choice to be honest... if i dont comply then because the 'team' recommended it i either have to do it or i lose my treatment... well -  dont want to lose my treatment but  dont want him coming either... however - i am choosing to ask hubby to come because i really do want to get better and without the treatment team - it isnt going to happen...

so i did my measurments lastnight and my waist is 22" my thighs t the thickest section are 15"... ive really lost some inches and im happy about that... however im not too thrilled with the fact that my clothes are really not fitting now... my pants i just bough that are sz 16 girls now need a belt to stay up... not cool...

i stopped at the hospital and got my effexor refilled then went upstairs to see my CM but she is out till monday... i really wanted to see her - i feel like i was sort of side swiped or trapped by them conferencing and my not knowing... especially since i saw her earlier this week and she never mentioned they were going to talk or that this could be recommended. idk i just feel like i needed to discuss it with her and now there is noone available for that...

today i was up at 4am... i have not slept hardly at all for 2 nights now - even with 15mg of melatonin... i have a 100ton hippo sitting on my chest crushing the breath out of me... ive ben taking the anxiety meds  but they arent helping worth anything right now... i emailed my psyche med person and told her whats going on and asked what i can do... i cant take this much longer...

i went to walmart this morning and i got some stuff for son's party this afternoon and then that was when i next stopped to get my meds then came home.. i cleaned hubby and my room, our bathroom, made the bed, finished the laundry, picked up the living room and game room, and baked/frosted a cake... no wonder im so tired right now!

when i got up this am i weighed of course - i always do... well once i weighed i was surprised! i cant believe the number on the scale but i guess i shouldhave expected it... there was another drop and even though im not supposed to try and lose more weight i have and i am happy about it as well a - like i said in a previous post - concerned... so no weight being posted as i feel it will be triggering...

i have to go get a friend for my son's birthday later and then im going to go to lil caesars to get some pizzas... im not planning to eat today... yesterday i only had 1x bp... so i am planning to do a 0 today... i have to get rid of mia...  will do it slowly but i cant give up... eventually i know i will make it with the right supports...

for now im done... trying hard to not cave to this anxiety which has be highly triggered... chattin with a friend - it usually helps for a bit... but i still have to finish cleaning and bake some cookies - im not sure i can do any of it right now... i guess ill come back later and see what happens...