i know - im an acrobat! really???

02 dec, 2011 610am                    (97.8)
MOOD/EMOTIONS: exhausted, anxious, slightly manic (?), down, determined, motivated

well let me start with a score 0:1 yep - i made it yesterday! so here is what happened - i decided wed night that i am D O N E with bn - period. it has to go. i cant keep doing this... so i told myself "i WILL NOT ALLOW myself to purge" this means whatever i put in - has to stay in... YIKES!!! talk about scared shitless! so ya i made it yesterday and today is my 2nd day... will see how it goes...

so as far as being exhausted - well i didnt sleep at all lastnight. been awake since 5am yesterday after only 3hrs of restless sleep the night before... i think i should be exhausted... hence this is why i said slightly manic as well... i was going - going - going yesterday and i didnt stop to rest until 7pm! so im not sure what is going on i even took 15mg of melatonin both nights...

so i should explain my daily title...
lastnight i was thinking about the ed... and i came to a conclusion that i am an acrobat by selection not choice... because i am afraid of heights -well it deffinetly doesnt make me very happy! i see myself as a tight rope walker with a long pole... ive been walking this rope a long time and my balance is good... so far able to catch myself when i would lose focus and balance or pull myself back up to standing and walking position... the scariest part of this is that below me is nothing but black... i have no idea what is down there - a net? a black hole? concrete? i have to keep walking and keep excellent balance and focus so i dont learn what is there...

so with the ed it is sort of the same idea... i have no idea what i am getting myself into on the other side... do i know it wont make me fatter? what if i hate myself even more? how do i know it will make me happy as everyone tells me? this is scary as shit but im doin it.... even if it was only 1 day - it was O N E day! i havent made1 day in a long time and i still feel determined and motivated to make this work... my goal is i am purge free as of right now ... at the end of dec - 31 days free of purging - THAT will be a huge step and i AM going to do it....
so the last part has to do with todays events... just thinking abut it is making my stomach flop... i am so anxious and the meds are not helping... i suppose the anxiety wont go away until ive gone through session... i just hope i make it out alive - i am feeling anxious enough i think my chest may explode!

150pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: triggered, tired, anxious, nervous, afraid

i went through session today and it was vey hard.... i found myself extremely anxious and fighting the thoughts that were screaming at me... i know i cant gain weight from water - so the voice needs to leave me be...

right now i am fighting excuses i have in my head to allow for bp... it is a difficult and painful battle... my stomach hurts really bad and my chest feels like a 100 ton of hippos are on it... i have to keep fighting and i have to make it...

i always let myself down - not anymore... i will not allow myself to keep going because there is no purpose - it will kill me and probably sooner than later at this rate... if i let myself cave now - i will stop fighting and the end result will surely be death... i cant do that... right now - i need to prove i can do it... the bad part is uitting cold turkey causes massive pains due to digestion...

i am so cold again - i have not been able to get and stay warm, my toe nails are purple - as are my finger nails... but the worst and most annoying part is my hands tingling continuously - they dont stop even when i am warm and it is so annoying!

i think i want a nap - but i think sleepng now might be a bad idea and i wont sleep tonight... i guess ill go work on cutting and marinating veggies for tonights dinner for the fam - not me... fasting - 3 days minimum... to cleanse my system and be able to make it when i do finall have to start allowing myself to eat AND keep it down... this is necessary - i know but it is also - punishment... if i eat i am not allowed to purge so i had BEST be sure what i am putting i is worth it...

the hardest part of session today was admitting i know  have a problem and i have to work on believing it... that potentially my life is at risk and vitamins will only carry me so far for so long... the other part was admitting that losing weight without trying has me conflicted... i love the loss - fantastic! bbbuuuttt.... well i havent worked for it - earned it - so i dont deserve it... yet im not going to be able to gain - no way... not anytime soon anyway...

as far as the work to allow myself to drink liuids - today i am on my 3rd bottle of liquid... although it has no calories it is keeping me going and THAT is todays goal... well i suppose im going for now... i will try to add more later.