i have really failed myself this time - not sure i can pic myself back up...

435pm monday dec 05, 2011                                                                                           97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, worried, frustrated, ANXIOUS - blah
today has been really sucky starting from lastnight at dinner... i tried to get ot of it... i was busy all day i felt like i never stopped moving... well everyone sat to have dinner and i said i wasnt eating because id had some chicken while deboning it... didnt work... hubby said i havent eaten with the family for several days now and he wanted to see me eat... f*ck. ok so fine - ill eat - but there is no way im keeping it down - no way. i am TOTALLY not to that point yet...

so thats how my eating ended yesterday... worse than this though - i got up this morning planing to bp just one time and start fresh with it all tomorrow... im not sure WHY i gave myself this permission but i did... my stomach was hurting bad and i couldnt eat much - fine by me, and then i purged and headed out for the day... my son was with me and we went to good will - i got 1pr of jeans and several sweaters, then we went to dollar tree picked up some things there then headed to return the movie via rebox at walgreens... then we went to books  million to look for a recipe book for the pressurt cooker but didnt find anything... next was where i made my mistake... my son was hungry - so we went next door to the chinese reseraunt and had that for lunch... my stomach was totally not happy and i purged... then we went to the px...there i got some m&m's to make cookies with and some snickers and a small package of candy for each of the boys... was really looking for some stationary to work on my letter to my husband explaining about the issues that are going on right now with me and what i am working on and the changes i have made and am trying to make... i have no idea what to say, how to say it, or even where to begin.... this is really hard because well u know - its my secret.... i mean he knows about the ed - just not about how bad its gotten etc...

so well - like i said its not been a pleasant day of me vs mia...im not going to freak out though...im going to hold myself in check and start fresh tomorrow.... i can still have the 29 days of purge free by doing that.... ill ty to get back later but probably wont make it till tomorrow.