do i really want this change???...

702 pm tuesday dec 06, 2011                                                                                97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, afraid, nervous, alone.

lastnight was my meeting at the james house - a support group for those who have survived childhood abuse... this is a 9 or 10 week program and next week is the last one... thank goodness - they are EXTREMELY triggering for me... i did share with the ladies about my ed - only because of the final night being a big dinner thing and i cant do it... turns out one of the other girls is recovered from AN but struggles with BN occassionally, her last bad bout being bout 6 months ago...

i feel like since ive been going to these meetings i have become way more 'paranoid' and everything startles me... ive been locking the vehicle doors soon as i shut them - same with the house... i used to could leave the house unlocked for the boys now i just get up and unlock it when they are due home...the van used to be locked once i reach a certain speed - it auto locks - but thats not safe anymore... ive also been having a really hard time sleeping and when i do - ive been startled awake with screaming in the darkness aor not being able to breath and gasping for air... i have no idea what the dreams are - i dont remember anything except when i wake and a lot of times i cant get back to sleep... even though i often say maybe i wont wake up - sometimes im scared it could actually happen and having those experiences - well makes it even more difficult...

today i woke up and took my meds - when i woke however i was EXTREMELY triggered and i have an inkling why but not for certain... thankfully my friend waon yahoo and we talked a while and i was able to let it pass.. since ive run out of anxiety meds a few days ago i know a large part was the anxiety build up for my therapy session this am an to bp would make me fel oh so much better! i didnt though... in fact today was a successful day and my new day  1 but day 5 in dec of being purge free - yay!

dinner was really diffiult to get ou of except my stomach hurt really badly... it fees like ive pulled a muscle or something adi just couldnt eat - so i didnt and hubby was not happy... he was like this is 5 dinners now u havent eaten... well last-night he just was not home when i ate because i had to leave for the meeting... i made sure to express this to him and told him ask the boys if he doesnt believe me - he let it go... now he has been eyeballing me and giving hints he wants me to eat - but its not happening - not tonight....

i am in some physical discomfort tonight other than the stomach... my ribs on the left side underneath hurt really bad... i do not know what causes it but wish it would go away...im really uncomfortable...

so i had the foot appointment today to find out what is going on with my toe... the dr had NO IDEA what the bump is and gave me referral to a dermatologist... a skin dr? thats what i asked him and he sid yes - they do more that kind of work he mostly does bone stuff... ok - well i dont care as long as someone fix this! so he gave me the script and i rushed to the hospital and gave it to my CM and she was going to make sure my dr got it and could enter the referral... hope it doesnt take forever like the last one did... doesnt matter though - i plan to exercise whether it hurts or not anymore... just deal with the pain - no pain no gain right?

so in session today she told me she had talked to my CM and to dismiss what she said about not needing to take hubby to my dr appointment that in fact i do have to... so NOT cool! i tried arguing my point that he doesnt need to know my weight - most husbands dont... an that noone needs to really know except me - well i lost the arguement - figures... so frustrating cuz i DO NOT want to tell anyone - i dont if i dont have too and the only person who knows right now - is me.

after the dr appointment and seeing my CM i headed home to make dinner and prepare for the meeting at his work at 6pm... as i was getting out of th van he pulled up so we worked on the dinner together... now ive never made a chicken caccetoire before but the pressure cooker came with a recipe so thats what i wanted to make and we did... dinner on the table at 5, cleaned up and ready to go at 530... i had all my stuff and we went to  the meeting... of course they had sacks ad refreshhments - normally they dont, so everyone rushed off to get a plate and i rushed to the bathroom and then to get in te van and come home... right now i still feel quite triggered simply because of the whole letter writting thing i have to finish and give to him... i am dreading giving it to him... i know he is going to be angry and hurt and its my own fault for hiding in myself and trying to not need additional help and support... i cant do that anymore - its killing me literally... although sometimes i wish i could die - i really dont want to just yet... i need to be here for my boys during the next deployment and i want to be here when they graduate hs as well as college, marriage, grandchilren and then there is the part of having my husband all to myself once they all move out.... peace and quiet! after being constantly with kids for 24yrs - i think it will be time for us to have time just for us...

so hmm.... i asked hubby to come to session with me friday - he is not sure he can but said he will try... im not sure whether to call the therapist and change the appointment time or just leave it... i guess ill figure it out tomorrow...

got a house to clean tomorrow and jeans to take back to pennys... im not sure i really have much else to do besides cooking dinner for the family... i making burgers for them and i hope i can escape eating... if not - there is no way i am ready for a meal like tat to stay down... i just cant...

im so sorry i am like this... i dont want to be a bother, a pain, a concern or a worry. i dont want to hurt those who i love the most and mean the whole world to me... i want to be the stable independant wife and mother everyone thinks i am... time to remove my costume and mask and be me - no matter how hard i have to do it... asking for help and support rather than being strong and independant is sometimes what it takes when u really want to change - for the better for yourself and everyone u care about...