a stressful day ahead...

wednesday dec 14, 2011                                                                                      94.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: worried, ANXIOUS, have no idea what is going on, scared

well i went to ANAD last night and it was nice to have some extra support before this appointment this morning... however it was also very unsettling in someways - let me explain... so the lady that leads the meetings most weeks told me my weight is 'terrifyingly low' but i never even told her what it is... then another girl came earlyand we sat and talked before the meeting and she told me 'how have u been cuz u look like shit' - wow - really???? i asked why she thought that and she told me i am 'super tiny and scrawny and very pale' nice... well the pale i know is the anemia - cant help that i tke my supplements and have since i was a baby...

then during the meeting as we were closing, we made our goals - mine of course was to go to this appointment today and make it home safely then survive my dr appointment next tuesday... additionally, the leader wants me to text her when i get home and she will call the other girl to update her as well... i guess its nie to know they care - i really honestly thought noone liked me there...

so dinner tonight... wel i made spaghetti and i used my miracle noodles for myself and added less than 1/8th C of sauce and had 1/4 C of steamed squash.... i kept it down and thats what i ha yesterday... i was lucky i could even do that as stressed and anxious as i was...

right now i am so dam anxious i feel like i can barely breath... i took my meds - including anxiety meds at 6am however i do not think the anxiety meds are doing shit for me right now - not with my unknowing of what is going to happen...
so friday isa half day for my boys then they are out until jan 2012... i cant believe the new year is almost here... i guessthe positive is i have made 2 days free of purging while keeping food in - it has been extremely hard and very triggering... i know i have to but a the same time - i also dont want too...