this ride is not fun - please let me OFF!!!

14 dec 14, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, frustrated, irritated, annoyed cant think of anything else along those lines but u get the point...

i had that appointment this morning and it was worse than i thought... i had expected when i got there that she was going to tell me i have a deadline or something idk... but what she said instead is i have to let her know by friday whether i will medically admit myself or whether she will have to have me picked up... i told her i dont wanna go, well it doesnt matter because somehow i am medically unstable... how the hell did they decide that al of a sudden? i havent even SEEN my medical dr since oct! it doesnt make any sense to me... so then i went to get my oldest who the school had called for me to come get him becausehe was having asthma attack and meds werent working... great... then i get an email from middle sons case worker and have to stop in his school as well... it all comes crashing down at once...
well i get home and i have to wrap a gift for hubby for the party tonight... my son says he will do it for me since i still had to go see my case manager... cool... so i get to her office and she asks how im doing.. in a pouty voice i said i dont like them anymore - none of them... of course i do - im just very frustrated... she pints me out the referrl for my foot and makes a note to email the dr about possibly seeing me tomorrow... she also says she will research a local facility for ed... whether insurance covers it or not and exactly what it entails... noone seems to understand that my husband WILL NOT STAND FOR ME TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN!!! ya he has given me the ultimatem - yes i have known what it is and ive been struggling to not get to that point... thing is the dr has been saying her recommendation will never change until labs are normal and behaviors have nearly or completely stopped...

so after all this  come home and i broke down... i caved and binged - english muffin with butter and honey, bagel with honey and butter, 1c cottage cheese and 5 grape tomatoes... then of course had to purge... i had to break up a fight between my 2 youngest boys and then came downstairs to update here and prepare for going to the Christmas party at husbands unit... so not looking forward to it - i hateeing around strangers and especially if im going to be expected to eat... and especially when ive had a day like today...

ok so to finish this for now - i broke again and bp 1x today so today and monday really sucked but i will try to make it work tomorrow... hopefully i can make it back here to further my update tomorrow...

UPDATE 640pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: very very annoyed, aggitated, frustrated, irritated and anxious

well we went to the dinner thing the kids gt candy - oh joy... then they all ate - i wasnt touching that crap - no idea what was in it and it was all nasty smelling and greasy - no thanx... hubby came late boys were already in the line waiting to get their plates... he says so you arent eating? i told him no i had before we left which was true - just left out the puking part... he said your face looks very sunken in tonight... idky... its the same as it was this morning but maybe its because im wearing some eye makeup...

we left after the dinner - i didnt touch anything but my tea and then cleared the table - so many lazy people... wll my oldest came home with hubby i took the other 2 with me to the px to get a small gift for my middle son's secret santa gift exchange tomorrow... they were extremely triggering and i was already in a pissy mood so this just made it worse and everything is annoying, irritating and frustrating me... i get the gift then go into gnc - i am almost out of both magnesium and calcium so i need to get some more...

i get home and tell hubby about the crap my middle did at school today and how i had to go talk to his case worker... just grand... well then i told him about the asses they made of themselves at the store... they are in their rooms now and my middle has been grounded from everything except his bed and clothes... glad im not him...

gotta go for now but i will finish in the morning before my appointment...