fml... idk what to do...

250pm tuesday 13 dec, 2011                                                                                 94.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS AS HELL!

got a vm from my therapist today so i called her back and left a return number she could call when she had a break... she called me back and said she has all day tomorrow open and would like to see me and my hubby if he can come with... whoa - my heart started pounding and now my chest is so tight with anxiety i can barely breath! so i told her he is teaching classes all day - this is true so he wont get any time during theday and he has a mandtory family thing in he evening we have to go to... so now she still had me make an appointment and i have to go alone... i dont mind seeing her - i like her and i trust her - most of the time... right now though? i am definately NOT so sure!

i have already physically written in my journal for the day so this is an update - i can NOT sit to write - no way! so i have no idea what the hell im walking into tomorrow! i hope it is not an ambush and i am being admitted without consent - i do NOT plan to be in the hospital - especially days before Christmas! i cant do that to my boys again - no way... so tonight is ANAD and let me say - i could use the support right now - i am really scared!

i do NOT like being scared - this drives me to keep the eating disorder being unsafe is wat has kept it my fall back so many years (or so they say)... right now i am so tiggered but not to eat... i want to restrict 100% and never eat again! i want to become so small and light be and be happy and comfortable in my body and my skin... ive realized the lower the number is no making me happy - well its never low enough... i gess i need to find a way to be at a weight and stay there and be as comfortable as i can in this body...

the biggest problem for me right now is the fact i am not trying to lose more - but at the same time i am so afraid to eat, keep it down and gain that i cant seem to eat... i have no idea where t go from here today or what im going to do - thank God for good friends here when i need em!