not so sure anymore...

1105am sunday dec 11, 2011                                                                             96.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: nauseated, ANXIOUS, SCARED
its sunday and yesterday i ended the day successfuly fasting another day - so 2 days in a row - but not without confrontation... hubby asked when i was going to eat TODAY at 830pm... i told him id eat tomorrow i promise... so here i am... we just went to the comissary and walmart and got somethings for me to try eating... low fat cottage cheese and yesterday got some grape tomatoes - so far ive eaten 2 of the tomatoes and i feel really nauseated - mostly from anxiety and fear but also because i am honestly NOT hungry and forcing myself to eat... feels like that is a total contradiction towards getting better...
today i want to try and make something new for the family for dinner...idk i may not... i also want to workout - gonna have to since im eating this crap today... feel guilty for buying foods special for me, i dont deserve them and i dont even have a job to spend the money... i shouldnt get things for me - only my family... things i got include: light applesauce - 50cals a container, some 35cal a cup almond milk, cucumbers x3, cauliflower and broccoli - i think that was what we bought oh and a spaghetti squash... will see how far i get... so far im NOT feeling excited about stuffing food in my face and keeping it down...
id like to finish crocheting with the brown yarn im currently using then start something else, read a book and maybe start my new latch hook... hopefully busying myself will help me keep my mind off needing to purge... so util later... i bid adu

330pm MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, tired, depressed, UNCERTAIN

so i was able to eat 1/2 the cottage cheese which was 23cals and then 1/2 a serving of grape tomatoes which was 13 cals... puts me at 36 for the day... i am going to try to not have to eat dinner though - too much in one day i way too triggering...

so i woke yeterday aslo to the feeling of bloatedness more than i wanted, turns out my period started - wft? i guess it s stress and the prozac... idk back before when my weight was under 120 i didnt have a cycle for 2years... wish it would stay gone now...

i decided to go ahead and try to make the fiesta meatloaf in the pressure cooker... it calls for the use of a springform pan but i dont have one and could no find the right size so i just put it straight into the removable pot - it shold be fine...
recipe - FIESTA MEATLOAF: (pressure cooker or slow cooker)
1C crushed salted crackers
1C ketchup
1/2 gree bell pepper cut and diced
1 small onion chopped
1can pitted and sliced olives
2 eggs beaten
1 pckage of taco seasoning
2TBSP worstershire sauce
2LBS ground beef / turkey

in a bowl combine all ingredients EXCEPT meat an mix well. Add meat and place in a 7" round or spring form pan, or directly into the pot and smooth out... make sure the pressure cooker seal is on 'seal' and press the slow cook for 2-3 hrs...

once mine is done ill let you know how it turns out...
so for now i guess thats all i have....