home made applesauce to cheer him up! and then some...

145pm thursday 08 dec, 2011                                                                      97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, nervous, freaking out, unsure, worried triggered

well i got up at 430 am and took my meds - i was determined to not bp today - was... i went to my apptointmen for my meds and i had a weird experience... see she is the one who before told me she didnt think i was 'sick enough' to need treatment... well today i guess her thoughts changed... i guess maybe cuz she hadnt seen me since sept at which time i was like 106... so ya ive lost quite  bit since then i guess... i cant see it andi dont feel it - in fact today i feel fatter than ever...
anyway so the appointment...she calls me nd i walk to go behind the normally locked doors and ten into her office... she shuts the door sits in her chair next to the couch im on ad says 'you look really fragile' i was like what? she says 'really thin, too thin' well i responded my normal response of no im not thin there is plenty left of me... she says 'why? because u could b thinner?' i replied with yes i could be but im not trying to be right now... as much as i want to believe that myself - i dont think she bought it either... i need to stop fooling myself - im thrilled ive lostso much weight! hell ive not been this size since probably about 6th grade or so... the problem is - its no making me happy and it is really worrying those who i care about, and love and hose who care about and love me... this is unacceptable and im making a change...

so i gave the letter to hubby lastnight... i was honestly expecting some sort or negative response - but it didnt happen... right nw he is still acting like i didnt give it to him and nothing is changed... i really hope he keeps this way as i dont want to lose him...

came home from the pharmacy ad seeing CM and started making hubby lunch... right as i was finishing and putting on his plte - he walked in - perfect timing today! then the mistake hit... he left back to work and i deided i couldnt avoid the trigger anymore so i ate and purged and now im exhausted... i feel like crap for wasting money by eating food im just going to barf up... but there was nothing else making me feel better... easing my anxiety over tomorrow just asnt happening and th anxiety meds did nothing for me today... so ya - im at 1x now again... i guess i cant be all too upset about it i mean i kow this cant happen overnight and i guess realistically i gave myelf an impossible goal for this month...but im still trying as hard as i can... i guess for now - i cant go over 1x a day if i do at all...

my son and i made applesauce in the pressure cooker... he is home sick from vommitting so we made the warm applesauce to help cheer him up and is gentle on the stomach... he is very content now!

i guess for now thats all i really have to say... i hope that i get back here another time today to write again... i just can think of anything right now except worry over tomorrow...