shrinking to nothing...

126pm monday 12 dec, 2011                                                                                     95.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, tired, worried, un-knowing

today i am just plain exhausted... i went to the pawn shop and paid on my loans - caught up until 1 feb... that makes me feel much better cuz i really dont wanna lose em... well the echo pen and the 3ds i dont mind but i want my touchpad and my ipod touch...

anyway i am just plum tired... i got up with the boys at 530 and ive been going all day thus far - even though it seems ike ive done nothing... i did take hubby some lunch from bk and i also went to big lots - didnt find anything good at all... oh well... i still need to go to the px and get some papaya, and i have my last survivors group meeting... problem  is its triggering because they are doing some big dinner... yikes...well i will be ok...
so i weighed this am and i was surprised but the additional loss... especially since i wa quite literall FORCED to eat lastnight... i had the tomatoes (13 cals) and the cottage cheese (1/8th C - 23 cals) then at dinner i made a meatloaf (as i wrote about lastnight) well it turned out smelling good and they all liked it - most had seconds and thirds... i didnt want to eat... so rather than sitting at the table watching everyone eat i went into the kitchen and worked on cleaning the pot to the pressure cooker and the countes... then a everyone came in i helped rinse dishes and load the dishwasher... then switched the laundry... when i came back to the dining room my husband was standing next to my chair - he had pulled it out and said - sit. eat. he pulled me over into the chair and pushed it in... then he said again - eat.... i tried arguing i didnt want any but he would not hear it... so fine - i put 8 moon slices of squash on my plate and thats what i ate... he told me it was not enough and didnt count as doing what needs to be done... he doesnt seem to get... i havent kept ANYTHING down in over 5months - maybe longer so keepin what i did down yesterday was a HUGE deal... and let me just say - the guilt and fer had me up half the night iwas scared to death!  so when i weighed and found that i lost some more - i was surprised... im not sad about losing it - im just worried because i like the way it feels to shrink like this - to become small... the problem is now... i dont knw how to stop - i cant seem to maintain and i cant seem to stop the loss...

so today i will attempt to keep and apple down and make it through the rest of the day with my mind not being so hating but im also scared it can still make me gain which scares me more than not being able to stop losing...