my mind is a mess...

955am dec 07,2011                                                                                                     97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: anxious, frustrated, confused, disappointed, depressed, ready to hide forever.

this morning i woke so very early - 445 am and i had been having some weird scary food dreams that woke me... its odd because i very rarely have food dreams if ever... so i came downstairs and saw hubby and was talking to him when suddenly i found myself robotically making some food to eat thus leading to the purging... of course - so irritating... so after i purged i lay back down a bit  was so dam cold... hubby came home from pt and i made him and my oldest some breakfast (oldest home because asthma attack on way to bus again and he still hasnt gotten under control today)... ive been doing things on the computer for a bit now and im exhausted...

still gotta rewrite this letter and get the nerve to give to hubby this evening... i just hate to do it nd him go to be hurting or angry...but what else can i do??? i myself am hurting because i know he is probably going to hate me after tonight and im feel like im losng the only part of me that i know how to love... if he hates me and leaves me i have my children to be here for but i will be an empty shell... he is and has always been my one true love - soul mate and i cant lose him...i just cant...

do i really want this change???...

702 pm tuesday dec 06, 2011                                                                                97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, afraid, nervous, alone.

lastnight was my meeting at the james house - a support group for those who have survived childhood abuse... this is a 9 or 10 week program and next week is the last one... thank goodness - they are EXTREMELY triggering for me... i did share with the ladies about my ed - only because of the final night being a big dinner thing and i cant do it... turns out one of the other girls is recovered from AN but struggles with BN occassionally, her last bad bout being bout 6 months ago...

i feel like since ive been going to these meetings i have become way more 'paranoid' and everything startles me... ive been locking the vehicle doors soon as i shut them - same with the house... i used to could leave the house unlocked for the boys now i just get up and unlock it when they are due home...the van used to be locked once i reach a certain speed - it auto locks - but thats not safe anymore... ive also been having a really hard time sleeping and when i do - ive been startled awake with screaming in the darkness aor not being able to breath and gasping for air... i have no idea what the dreams are - i dont remember anything except when i wake and a lot of times i cant get back to sleep... even though i often say maybe i wont wake up - sometimes im scared it could actually happen and having those experiences - well makes it even more difficult...

today i woke up and took my meds - when i woke however i was EXTREMELY triggered and i have an inkling why but not for certain... thankfully my friend waon yahoo and we talked a while and i was able to let it pass.. since ive run out of anxiety meds a few days ago i know a large part was the anxiety build up for my therapy session this am an to bp would make me fel oh so much better! i didnt though... in fact today was a successful day and my new day  1 but day 5 in dec of being purge free - yay!

dinner was really diffiult to get ou of except my stomach hurt really badly... it fees like ive pulled a muscle or something adi just couldnt eat - so i didnt and hubby was not happy... he was like this is 5 dinners now u havent eaten... well last-night he just was not home when i ate because i had to leave for the meeting... i made sure to express this to him and told him ask the boys if he doesnt believe me - he let it go... now he has been eyeballing me and giving hints he wants me to eat - but its not happening - not tonight....

i am in some physical discomfort tonight other than the stomach... my ribs on the left side underneath hurt really bad... i do not know what causes it but wish it would go away...im really uncomfortable...

so i had the foot appointment today to find out what is going on with my toe... the dr had NO IDEA what the bump is and gave me referral to a dermatologist... a skin dr? thats what i asked him and he sid yes - they do more that kind of work he mostly does bone stuff... ok - well i dont care as long as someone fix this! so he gave me the script and i rushed to the hospital and gave it to my CM and she was going to make sure my dr got it and could enter the referral... hope it doesnt take forever like the last one did... doesnt matter though - i plan to exercise whether it hurts or not anymore... just deal with the pain - no pain no gain right?

so in session today she told me she had talked to my CM and to dismiss what she said about not needing to take hubby to my dr appointment that in fact i do have to... so NOT cool! i tried arguing my point that he doesnt need to know my weight - most husbands dont... an that noone needs to really know except me - well i lost the arguement - figures... so frustrating cuz i DO NOT want to tell anyone - i dont if i dont have too and the only person who knows right now - is me.

after the dr appointment and seeing my CM i headed home to make dinner and prepare for the meeting at his work at 6pm... as i was getting out of th van he pulled up so we worked on the dinner together... now ive never made a chicken caccetoire before but the pressure cooker came with a recipe so thats what i wanted to make and we did... dinner on the table at 5, cleaned up and ready to go at 530... i had all my stuff and we went to  the meeting... of course they had sacks ad refreshhments - normally they dont, so everyone rushed off to get a plate and i rushed to the bathroom and then to get in te van and come home... right now i still feel quite triggered simply because of the whole letter writting thing i have to finish and give to him... i am dreading giving it to him... i know he is going to be angry and hurt and its my own fault for hiding in myself and trying to not need additional help and support... i cant do that anymore - its killing me literally... although sometimes i wish i could die - i really dont want to just yet... i need to be here for my boys during the next deployment and i want to be here when they graduate hs as well as college, marriage, grandchilren and then there is the part of having my husband all to myself once they all move out.... peace and quiet! after being constantly with kids for 24yrs - i think it will be time for us to have time just for us...

so hmm.... i asked hubby to come to session with me friday - he is not sure he can but said he will try... im not sure whether to call the therapist and change the appointment time or just leave it... i guess ill figure it out tomorrow...

got a house to clean tomorrow and jeans to take back to pennys... im not sure i really have much else to do besides cooking dinner for the family... i making burgers for them and i hope i can escape eating... if not - there is no way i am ready for a meal like tat to stay down... i just cant...

im so sorry i am like this... i dont want to be a bother, a pain, a concern or a worry. i dont want to hurt those who i love the most and mean the whole world to me... i want to be the stable independant wife and mother everyone thinks i am... time to remove my costume and mask and be me - no matter how hard i have to do it... asking for help and support rather than being strong and independant is sometimes what it takes when u really want to change - for the better for yourself and everyone u care about...

i have really failed myself this time - not sure i can pic myself back up...

435pm monday dec 05, 2011                                                                                           97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, worried, frustrated, ANXIOUS - blah
today has been really sucky starting from lastnight at dinner... i tried to get ot of it... i was busy all day i felt like i never stopped moving... well everyone sat to have dinner and i said i wasnt eating because id had some chicken while deboning it... didnt work... hubby said i havent eaten with the family for several days now and he wanted to see me eat... f*ck. ok so fine - ill eat - but there is no way im keeping it down - no way. i am TOTALLY not to that point yet...

so thats how my eating ended yesterday... worse than this though - i got up this morning planing to bp just one time and start fresh with it all tomorrow... im not sure WHY i gave myself this permission but i did... my stomach was hurting bad and i couldnt eat much - fine by me, and then i purged and headed out for the day... my son was with me and we went to good will - i got 1pr of jeans and several sweaters, then we went to dollar tree picked up some things there then headed to return the movie via rebox at walgreens... then we went to books  million to look for a recipe book for the pressurt cooker but didnt find anything... next was where i made my mistake... my son was hungry - so we went next door to the chinese reseraunt and had that for lunch... my stomach was totally not happy and i purged... then we went to the px...there i got some m&m's to make cookies with and some snickers and a small package of candy for each of the boys... was really looking for some stationary to work on my letter to my husband explaining about the issues that are going on right now with me and what i am working on and the changes i have made and am trying to make... i have no idea what to say, how to say it, or even where to begin.... this is really hard because well u know - its my secret.... i mean he knows about the ed - just not about how bad its gotten etc...

so well - like i said its not been a pleasant day of me vs mia...im not going to freak out though...im going to hold myself in check and start fresh tomorrow.... i can still have the 29 days of purge free by doing that.... ill ty to get back later but probably wont make it till tomorrow.

YAY! YAY! YAY! ITS DAY 4~

305pm sunday dec 4, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: i am extremely triggered right now but doing so well! i am happy! i have finally been able to be consistent with fasting for (330 today is 4 days since i last ate anything) 4 days! this means i have not been purging either! cant purge if i dont eat! so now once i get comfortable idk how many days, i will begin trying to make foods safe and putting into my body... i still do NOT plan to gain however...

sotoday i got a pressur cooker! yay! im using it now to see how i like it... so far its pretty good since the chicken wasnt thawed and neither s the ground turkey - which i was supposed to make tacos with tonight... so ya - good thing this cooks foods even if not fully defrosted...

today i have been SUPER kitchen busy! ive made: waffles, sausage, eggs for the family for breakfast... for lunch they had sandwiches and i made my youngest sons.... next i bake 52 sugar cookies, 3packages of muffins, croissants, breadsticks, almost 10 lbs if chicken in my new cooker, reorganized the fridge and cleaned the kitchen. im tired now but still cooking the last of the chicken. i drank 2quarts of koolaid made with splenda... hope to put away my laundry and get a nap and figure a way out of dinner...

so here goes for day 4... i know i cant eat yet - if  i do i will purge because i am just not ready for that step yet... im doing this MY way so i can make sure im successful.... this is the only goal right now - stop purging and be purge free 31 days for the new year...

i know - im an acrobat! really???

02 dec, 2011 610am                    (97.8)
MOOD/EMOTIONS: exhausted, anxious, slightly manic (?), down, determined, motivated

well let me start with a score 0:1 yep - i made it yesterday! so here is what happened - i decided wed night that i am D O N E with bn - period. it has to go. i cant keep doing this... so i told myself "i WILL NOT ALLOW myself to purge" this means whatever i put in - has to stay in... YIKES!!! talk about scared shitless! so ya i made it yesterday and today is my 2nd day... will see how it goes...

so as far as being exhausted - well i didnt sleep at all lastnight. been awake since 5am yesterday after only 3hrs of restless sleep the night before... i think i should be exhausted... hence this is why i said slightly manic as well... i was going - going - going yesterday and i didnt stop to rest until 7pm! so im not sure what is going on i even took 15mg of melatonin both nights...

so i should explain my daily title...
lastnight i was thinking about the ed... and i came to a conclusion that i am an acrobat by selection not choice... because i am afraid of heights -well it deffinetly doesnt make me very happy! i see myself as a tight rope walker with a long pole... ive been walking this rope a long time and my balance is good... so far able to catch myself when i would lose focus and balance or pull myself back up to standing and walking position... the scariest part of this is that below me is nothing but black... i have no idea what is down there - a net? a black hole? concrete? i have to keep walking and keep excellent balance and focus so i dont learn what is there...

so with the ed it is sort of the same idea... i have no idea what i am getting myself into on the other side... do i know it wont make me fatter? what if i hate myself even more? how do i know it will make me happy as everyone tells me? this is scary as shit but im doin it.... even if it was only 1 day - it was O N E day! i havent made1 day in a long time and i still feel determined and motivated to make this work... my goal is i am purge free as of right now ... at the end of dec - 31 days free of purging - THAT will be a huge step and i AM going to do it....
so the last part has to do with todays events... just thinking abut it is making my stomach flop... i am so anxious and the meds are not helping... i suppose the anxiety wont go away until ive gone through session... i just hope i make it out alive - i am feeling anxious enough i think my chest may explode!

150pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: triggered, tired, anxious, nervous, afraid

i went through session today and it was vey hard.... i found myself extremely anxious and fighting the thoughts that were screaming at me... i know i cant gain weight from water - so the voice needs to leave me be...

right now i am fighting excuses i have in my head to allow for bp... it is a difficult and painful battle... my stomach hurts really bad and my chest feels like a 100 ton of hippos are on it... i have to keep fighting and i have to make it...

i always let myself down - not anymore... i will not allow myself to keep going because there is no purpose - it will kill me and probably sooner than later at this rate... if i let myself cave now - i will stop fighting and the end result will surely be death... i cant do that... right now - i need to prove i can do it... the bad part is uitting cold turkey causes massive pains due to digestion...

i am so cold again - i have not been able to get and stay warm, my toe nails are purple - as are my finger nails... but the worst and most annoying part is my hands tingling continuously - they dont stop even when i am warm and it is so annoying!

i think i want a nap - but i think sleepng now might be a bad idea and i wont sleep tonight... i guess ill go work on cutting and marinating veggies for tonights dinner for the fam - not me... fasting - 3 days minimum... to cleanse my system and be able to make it when i do finall have to start allowing myself to eat AND keep it down... this is necessary - i know but it is also - punishment... if i eat i am not allowed to purge so i had BEST be sure what i am putting i is worth it...

the hardest part of session today was admitting i know  have a problem and i have to work on believing it... that potentially my life is at risk and vitamins will only carry me so far for so long... the other part was admitting that losing weight without trying has me conflicted... i love the loss - fantastic! bbbuuuttt.... well i havent worked for it - earned it - so i dont deserve it... yet im not going to be able to gain - no way... not anytime soon anyway...

as far as the work to allow myself to drink liuids - today i am on my 3rd bottle of liquid... although it has no calories it is keeping me going and THAT is todays goal... well i suppose im going for now... i will try to add more later.

im sorry ive been away so long...

Thursday Dec. 01,2011
MOOD: ANXOUS, determined, hopeful, triggered, trying, motivated

well - it has been quite a few days since i last updated... so i was out bcuz i didnt have the mone to pay the bill until today...so now its paid and back upan i can sar writting again... however im not going to go al the way back ill just go back a few... i will let you know my TG Day was good - at first... then it ended with bp x1 also the dinner with hubbies work - well that day was aweful...

so now on to tuesay this past week... well it was aweful... i bp too many times and right now cant even recall... i think it started from the group on monday night - that was a hard one and triggering... i didnt cave when i got home but i woke triggered in the morning, then my son was hurt and had togo to er, i forgot to take meds cuz i left in such a hurry... well that ended in bp way too many times...i went to ANAD and i just wasnt in a good place... had horrible headache which i attoned to potentially low K levels... i took supplements when i got home and went to bed and in the morning headache was gone... idk it could have been i was tired too...

yesterday was another trigger filled day... i woke and bp on home made pancakes with ham i had baked the night before... i took my meds and slept in until 1030... i got up and did some things around the house, made lunch for hubby, took to him... came home and bp again... ugh... so then i finally climbed into the van - i decided i had to get out of the house and was supposed to see CM so thats where i went... turns out sh had let early - poo, shouldve stayed in bed... oh well went to GNC bought some vitamins, a sandwhich and cookies at subway which i purged when i got home.. so ended with 3x yesterday... too many again!

went to bed with a stomach ache, bladder pain - very BAD pains, and masive low K headache... took 2 K and went to sleep... i tried that is... i barely slept lastnight and when i finally did, well the last look at th clock was 213am... then the alarm went off for hubby at 500am -awake again and ever since...
i got up took all meds and then laydown a little to get warm and trying to sleep - didnt happen so got up at 6 and dressed and started doing stuff lik payin he comcast bill... then i started sortin coupons - throwing out the expired ones and clipping those i hadnt done yet were just needing cut out... i finished that and then went to the site Krazycouponlady.com and printed out some new coupons...  i just finished with that and started trying to organize them and decided to write as well...

so i am very triggered right now and im fighting... my heartis racing and anxiety is high - even with the meds... i am determined today though i have decided if i eat anything im not allowed to purge - no matter what or how much it is... this is scary as shit for me so idk if i will eat or not today... im sick of purging and i just want to stop -so im going too...

really nervous and anxious for tomorrows session... we r supposed to talk about my bringing hubby in with me and telling him whats all going on and how bad it has gotten... she told me at last session i have 1 foot in the hospital and a be waiting if anythig happens - no thanx! im not sure how much i want hubby to know - i think that is the ed speaking though and so i have to counter it and fight...we will see how it works out i guess...

well gotta get these coupons done, need to see CM, go g shopping, sears, target, walmart... tons to do!

today is a lllloooonnnngggg day...

140pm sunday nov 20, 2011

MOOD: exhausted, anxious, triggered, sore throat and headache...

i woke this am at 7 - well i was already really awake but i actually got out the bed and finally took 800mg motrin... this migraine i had started in the night and i thought i was dying... thn i lay back down and tried to sleep... no luck so finally i grabbed my phone and sent a meassage to my friend and a text o hubby for when would he be home s his breakfast would be ready... at 9am i lazily dressed in sleep pants entirely too big for me with a tsirt and a long sleeve sweater...

i had known i was triggere and i was trying to fight and be careful but i ened up caving in...i made my huby a bagel with egg n cheese and some coffee and while those were cooking i made some oatmeal with raisins... when his was done mine was done and we sat to eat... well he decided he was not going to sleep because he wasnt sleepy and i made  bagel for my youngest with butter and cream cheese and a bagel for me with butter, pb and honey...when i got done i tried to fight the voices telling me how fat i was getting sitting there and after about 5 min i couldnt take it anymore and ran into the bathroom downstair to empty it from my gut... i then went to my room, stripped, weighed, redressed and carried the latch hook downstairs... while down there i took my effexor since after i had weighed i tok my other meds as well...

after a few minutes i decided i was exhausted and was going to try to sleep - not do the latch hook right then... i slowly climbed the stairs completely exhausted and feeling exherted with eaxh step and breath the made my way to my bed... climbed in an grabbed my phone to chat with my friend... idk how long we chatted - not long, but som where around 11 i decided to log out and ty to sleep a little... well i drifted off quickly and i woke startled by some child outside or next door screaming and crying no! no! i didint do it! i wont! and at first it was so soft i thougt was in my mind but when i jumped nd woke it was a little louder and i went to check to be certain was not one of my boys in trouble which it was not....

i came back to my bed where i had to change all my clothes and put a towel down on the bed... i do not EVER sweat - im always cold but for some reason i had awoke in complete saturation of sweat through my clothing and onto the bed sheets... i was still chilly so i wonder if i could have had a fver andi broke from the motrin - maybe thats what the migraine was from?... i lay back down with my phon and start to talk with m friend agin, guess i was aslee nearly  hrs - yikes! ting is i still feel tired, like ive not slept, my eyelids are heavy and drooping and i can barely keep em open...

im highly triggered - woke from the sleep like this and the tiredness just makes me feel more triggred... i know if i bp it will exhaust me but for a bit i wll also have loads of energy... trying to figt it and my friend is as well so we keep talking... i decided to log into my laptop maybe this will wake m up and help wit the need to bp??? idk - but it is not helping yet!

so far today i have bp once, have a sore throat and a migraine... have to make tacos for dinner and tke my friend home plus get some gas... i hope i am strong eough to finally strike back at mia today...