so its done... results?

friday dec 09, 2011   
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, sad, defeated, failed wish i could go to sleep and never wake up.

well i went with hubby to richmond to do some shopping but we didnt find nything but boxers! then he wanted a snack so he wanted to go to five guys and get some cajun fries... so thats where we next went and then to our appointment... i was so anxious i was barely able to breathe - unless i was consciously taking those breaths my therapist said i looked scared to death - ya - i was! so first i went in and talked to her and she prepped me for what was next - thing is i was TOTALLY not ready... she asked if i gave hubby the letter and i said yes, then she asked if i had the other letter with me - whoa what - other letter with me? no - i thought she wanted me to give it to him AFTER this appointment shit... she then says i will have to just tell him myself then - no im not ready to do this! i cant! im wishing i could die or at least disappear right about now!

so she brings him in and things get - busy? and he gives his input, his side and his opinion and i give what i can seeing as i rally was not ready for this... i sat there legs tight to my chest and shaking my leg - not because of any other reason other than i was freezing! her office thermometer read 69 and i felt like an icescicle!

we came to an agreement that when i feel like i need to purge - i will talk to my husband and if possible go to his work and sit with him for a while... this is REALLY going to be a challenge for me seeing as i normally wait until he leaves or isnt paying attention to purge and now i have to make that change for this to work... i want to get better - i REALLY do... i just wish this was not so hard.
im REALLY scared - i am petified of the weight they say im going to have to gain - i do NOT want to and i am not feeling good with it at all... i need to find a way to maintain this weight though without gaining - until i can get comfortable with it and then work on that... my first and biggest goal though is to stop purging alltogether... then ill work on the other side... the problem is hubby wants me to eat NOW and keep it all down... well since im scared to death of food - i have no idea how this will happen...
i hope i have the strength to do this and make it work this time...

im scared!

09 dec, 2011 friday 97

MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, scared, worried, afraid, uncertain, a little hopeful

ok today is the day when everything changes and i am scared as hell... i have this appointment with the therapist at noon today with my husband and he is going to learn a lot of new things that he is "aware" of but doesnt really know...im like an old dog - i am rigid and i hate changes... i prefer things the way i know them and just keep them going... however with this - that is not an option... so the anxiety is quelling again and the meds i took were helping but seems like it is building again...
im shaking like crazy and im cold... i have a long neck sweater on and pants and shoes and sox but it doesnt seem to be doing to much... i wish i could sit in a hot shower now but my husband should be home soon from his dr appointment and then we ar headed to richmond to get some Christmas shopping done - hopefully...

home made applesauce to cheer him up! and then some...

145pm thursday 08 dec, 2011                                                                      97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, nervous, freaking out, unsure, worried triggered

well i got up at 430 am and took my meds - i was determined to not bp today - was... i went to my apptointmen for my meds and i had a weird experience... see she is the one who before told me she didnt think i was 'sick enough' to need treatment... well today i guess her thoughts changed... i guess maybe cuz she hadnt seen me since sept at which time i was like 106... so ya ive lost quite  bit since then i guess... i cant see it andi dont feel it - in fact today i feel fatter than ever...
anyway so the appointment...she calls me nd i walk to go behind the normally locked doors and ten into her office... she shuts the door sits in her chair next to the couch im on ad says 'you look really fragile' i was like what? she says 'really thin, too thin' well i responded my normal response of no im not thin there is plenty left of me... she says 'why? because u could b thinner?' i replied with yes i could be but im not trying to be right now... as much as i want to believe that myself - i dont think she bought it either... i need to stop fooling myself - im thrilled ive lostso much weight! hell ive not been this size since probably about 6th grade or so... the problem is - its no making me happy and it is really worrying those who i care about, and love and hose who care about and love me... this is unacceptable and im making a change...

so i gave the letter to hubby lastnight... i was honestly expecting some sort or negative response - but it didnt happen... right nw he is still acting like i didnt give it to him and nothing is changed... i really hope he keeps this way as i dont want to lose him...

came home from the pharmacy ad seeing CM and started making hubby lunch... right as i was finishing and putting on his plte - he walked in - perfect timing today! then the mistake hit... he left back to work and i deided i couldnt avoid the trigger anymore so i ate and purged and now im exhausted... i feel like crap for wasting money by eating food im just going to barf up... but there was nothing else making me feel better... easing my anxiety over tomorrow just asnt happening and th anxiety meds did nothing for me today... so ya - im at 1x now again... i guess i cant be all too upset about it i mean i kow this cant happen overnight and i guess realistically i gave myelf an impossible goal for this month...but im still trying as hard as i can... i guess for now - i cant go over 1x a day if i do at all...

my son and i made applesauce in the pressure cooker... he is home sick from vommitting so we made the warm applesauce to help cheer him up and is gentle on the stomach... he is very content now!

i guess for now thats all i really have to say... i hope that i get back here another time today to write again... i just can think of anything right now except worry over tomorrow...

death by anxiety?

645pm 07 dec, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS AS HELL, worried

well its done. i wrote the letter - like 4 pages, and i gave it to hubby after he had dinner and i went to shower... he hasnt said anything to me - im not sure what he is feeling right now...normally im good about reading him but this time im very blocked... not sure if by him or from my anxiety though.

so in the morning i have to go to my psyche person and i need anxiety meds... ive been out about a week now and im afraid its killing me! i feel like iwont make it till the appointment tomorrow let alone friday...ugh

ive managed to not eat anything else today but i did drink a water bottle. i was goin to get powerade zero but they were too exspensive right now so i settled for propel zero... its safer to me anyway...

went to penny's and exchanged my jeans also got another pair an 2 nice fleece tops and a pair of cute grey sox with penguins on em! yay - love my new sox! i love all my sox!

made burgers and potatoe salad for dinner tonight, no complaints on burgers but my youngest said he didnt like the potatoe salad... oh well guess i cant please em all... i didnt have anything so today remains at 1x early this am so day 1 ends in the morning around 6am...im not worried - i can do this...im nt even hungry...

so im doe for tonight i want to go laydown and watch taps with hubby -if he wants to watch with me... then i want to drift into a deep sumber and no wake from being startled, having bad dreams or frm feeling like i cant breath... then to only wake when my alarm goes off...

so goodnight... and ill be back tomorrow...

my mind is a mess...

955am dec 07,2011                                                                                                     97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: anxious, frustrated, confused, disappointed, depressed, ready to hide forever.

this morning i woke so very early - 445 am and i had been having some weird scary food dreams that woke me... its odd because i very rarely have food dreams if ever... so i came downstairs and saw hubby and was talking to him when suddenly i found myself robotically making some food to eat thus leading to the purging... of course - so irritating... so after i purged i lay back down a bit  was so dam cold... hubby came home from pt and i made him and my oldest some breakfast (oldest home because asthma attack on way to bus again and he still hasnt gotten under control today)... ive been doing things on the computer for a bit now and im exhausted...

still gotta rewrite this letter and get the nerve to give to hubby this evening... i just hate to do it nd him go to be hurting or angry...but what else can i do??? i myself am hurting because i know he is probably going to hate me after tonight and im feel like im losng the only part of me that i know how to love... if he hates me and leaves me i have my children to be here for but i will be an empty shell... he is and has always been my one true love - soul mate and i cant lose him...i just cant...

do i really want this change???...

702 pm tuesday dec 06, 2011                                                                                97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, afraid, nervous, alone.

lastnight was my meeting at the james house - a support group for those who have survived childhood abuse... this is a 9 or 10 week program and next week is the last one... thank goodness - they are EXTREMELY triggering for me... i did share with the ladies about my ed - only because of the final night being a big dinner thing and i cant do it... turns out one of the other girls is recovered from AN but struggles with BN occassionally, her last bad bout being bout 6 months ago...

i feel like since ive been going to these meetings i have become way more 'paranoid' and everything startles me... ive been locking the vehicle doors soon as i shut them - same with the house... i used to could leave the house unlocked for the boys now i just get up and unlock it when they are due home...the van used to be locked once i reach a certain speed - it auto locks - but thats not safe anymore... ive also been having a really hard time sleeping and when i do - ive been startled awake with screaming in the darkness aor not being able to breath and gasping for air... i have no idea what the dreams are - i dont remember anything except when i wake and a lot of times i cant get back to sleep... even though i often say maybe i wont wake up - sometimes im scared it could actually happen and having those experiences - well makes it even more difficult...

today i woke up and took my meds - when i woke however i was EXTREMELY triggered and i have an inkling why but not for certain... thankfully my friend waon yahoo and we talked a while and i was able to let it pass.. since ive run out of anxiety meds a few days ago i know a large part was the anxiety build up for my therapy session this am an to bp would make me fel oh so much better! i didnt though... in fact today was a successful day and my new day  1 but day 5 in dec of being purge free - yay!

dinner was really diffiult to get ou of except my stomach hurt really badly... it fees like ive pulled a muscle or something adi just couldnt eat - so i didnt and hubby was not happy... he was like this is 5 dinners now u havent eaten... well last-night he just was not home when i ate because i had to leave for the meeting... i made sure to express this to him and told him ask the boys if he doesnt believe me - he let it go... now he has been eyeballing me and giving hints he wants me to eat - but its not happening - not tonight....

i am in some physical discomfort tonight other than the stomach... my ribs on the left side underneath hurt really bad... i do not know what causes it but wish it would go away...im really uncomfortable...

so i had the foot appointment today to find out what is going on with my toe... the dr had NO IDEA what the bump is and gave me referral to a dermatologist... a skin dr? thats what i asked him and he sid yes - they do more that kind of work he mostly does bone stuff... ok - well i dont care as long as someone fix this! so he gave me the script and i rushed to the hospital and gave it to my CM and she was going to make sure my dr got it and could enter the referral... hope it doesnt take forever like the last one did... doesnt matter though - i plan to exercise whether it hurts or not anymore... just deal with the pain - no pain no gain right?

so in session today she told me she had talked to my CM and to dismiss what she said about not needing to take hubby to my dr appointment that in fact i do have to... so NOT cool! i tried arguing my point that he doesnt need to know my weight - most husbands dont... an that noone needs to really know except me - well i lost the arguement - figures... so frustrating cuz i DO NOT want to tell anyone - i dont if i dont have too and the only person who knows right now - is me.

after the dr appointment and seeing my CM i headed home to make dinner and prepare for the meeting at his work at 6pm... as i was getting out of th van he pulled up so we worked on the dinner together... now ive never made a chicken caccetoire before but the pressure cooker came with a recipe so thats what i wanted to make and we did... dinner on the table at 5, cleaned up and ready to go at 530... i had all my stuff and we went to  the meeting... of course they had sacks ad refreshhments - normally they dont, so everyone rushed off to get a plate and i rushed to the bathroom and then to get in te van and come home... right now i still feel quite triggered simply because of the whole letter writting thing i have to finish and give to him... i am dreading giving it to him... i know he is going to be angry and hurt and its my own fault for hiding in myself and trying to not need additional help and support... i cant do that anymore - its killing me literally... although sometimes i wish i could die - i really dont want to just yet... i need to be here for my boys during the next deployment and i want to be here when they graduate hs as well as college, marriage, grandchilren and then there is the part of having my husband all to myself once they all move out.... peace and quiet! after being constantly with kids for 24yrs - i think it will be time for us to have time just for us...

so hmm.... i asked hubby to come to session with me friday - he is not sure he can but said he will try... im not sure whether to call the therapist and change the appointment time or just leave it... i guess ill figure it out tomorrow...

got a house to clean tomorrow and jeans to take back to pennys... im not sure i really have much else to do besides cooking dinner for the family... i making burgers for them and i hope i can escape eating... if not - there is no way i am ready for a meal like tat to stay down... i just cant...

im so sorry i am like this... i dont want to be a bother, a pain, a concern or a worry. i dont want to hurt those who i love the most and mean the whole world to me... i want to be the stable independant wife and mother everyone thinks i am... time to remove my costume and mask and be me - no matter how hard i have to do it... asking for help and support rather than being strong and independant is sometimes what it takes when u really want to change - for the better for yourself and everyone u care about...

i have really failed myself this time - not sure i can pic myself back up...

435pm monday dec 05, 2011                                                                                           97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, worried, frustrated, ANXIOUS - blah
today has been really sucky starting from lastnight at dinner... i tried to get ot of it... i was busy all day i felt like i never stopped moving... well everyone sat to have dinner and i said i wasnt eating because id had some chicken while deboning it... didnt work... hubby said i havent eaten with the family for several days now and he wanted to see me eat... f*ck. ok so fine - ill eat - but there is no way im keeping it down - no way. i am TOTALLY not to that point yet...

so thats how my eating ended yesterday... worse than this though - i got up this morning planing to bp just one time and start fresh with it all tomorrow... im not sure WHY i gave myself this permission but i did... my stomach was hurting bad and i couldnt eat much - fine by me, and then i purged and headed out for the day... my son was with me and we went to good will - i got 1pr of jeans and several sweaters, then we went to dollar tree picked up some things there then headed to return the movie via rebox at walgreens... then we went to books  million to look for a recipe book for the pressurt cooker but didnt find anything... next was where i made my mistake... my son was hungry - so we went next door to the chinese reseraunt and had that for lunch... my stomach was totally not happy and i purged... then we went to the px...there i got some m&m's to make cookies with and some snickers and a small package of candy for each of the boys... was really looking for some stationary to work on my letter to my husband explaining about the issues that are going on right now with me and what i am working on and the changes i have made and am trying to make... i have no idea what to say, how to say it, or even where to begin.... this is really hard because well u know - its my secret.... i mean he knows about the ed - just not about how bad its gotten etc...

so well - like i said its not been a pleasant day of me vs mia...im not going to freak out though...im going to hold myself in check and start fresh tomorrow.... i can still have the 29 days of purge free by doing that.... ill ty to get back later but probably wont make it till tomorrow.