fml... idk what to do...

250pm tuesday 13 dec, 2011                                                                                 94.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS AS HELL!

got a vm from my therapist today so i called her back and left a return number she could call when she had a break... she called me back and said she has all day tomorrow open and would like to see me and my hubby if he can come with... whoa - my heart started pounding and now my chest is so tight with anxiety i can barely breath! so i told her he is teaching classes all day - this is true so he wont get any time during theday and he has a mandtory family thing in he evening we have to go to... so now she still had me make an appointment and i have to go alone... i dont mind seeing her - i like her and i trust her - most of the time... right now though? i am definately NOT so sure!

i have already physically written in my journal for the day so this is an update - i can NOT sit to write - no way! so i have no idea what the hell im walking into tomorrow! i hope it is not an ambush and i am being admitted without consent - i do NOT plan to be in the hospital - especially days before Christmas! i cant do that to my boys again - no way... so tonight is ANAD and let me say - i could use the support right now - i am really scared!

i do NOT like being scared - this drives me to keep the eating disorder being unsafe is wat has kept it my fall back so many years (or so they say)... right now i am so tiggered but not to eat... i want to restrict 100% and never eat again! i want to become so small and light be and be happy and comfortable in my body and my skin... ive realized the lower the number is no making me happy - well its never low enough... i gess i need to find a way to be at a weight and stay there and be as comfortable as i can in this body...

the biggest problem for me right now is the fact i am not trying to lose more - but at the same time i am so afraid to eat, keep it down and gain that i cant seem to eat... i have no idea where t go from here today or what im going to do - thank God for good friends here when i need em!

shrinking to nothing...

126pm monday 12 dec, 2011                                                                                     95.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, tired, worried, un-knowing

today i am just plain exhausted... i went to the pawn shop and paid on my loans - caught up until 1 feb... that makes me feel much better cuz i really dont wanna lose em... well the echo pen and the 3ds i dont mind but i want my touchpad and my ipod touch...

anyway i am just plum tired... i got up with the boys at 530 and ive been going all day thus far - even though it seems ike ive done nothing... i did take hubby some lunch from bk and i also went to big lots - didnt find anything good at all... oh well... i still need to go to the px and get some papaya, and i have my last survivors group meeting... problem  is its triggering because they are doing some big dinner... yikes...well i will be ok...
so i weighed this am and i was surprised but the additional loss... especially since i wa quite literall FORCED to eat lastnight... i had the tomatoes (13 cals) and the cottage cheese (1/8th C - 23 cals) then at dinner i made a meatloaf (as i wrote about lastnight) well it turned out smelling good and they all liked it - most had seconds and thirds... i didnt want to eat... so rather than sitting at the table watching everyone eat i went into the kitchen and worked on cleaning the pot to the pressure cooker and the countes... then a everyone came in i helped rinse dishes and load the dishwasher... then switched the laundry... when i came back to the dining room my husband was standing next to my chair - he had pulled it out and said - sit. eat. he pulled me over into the chair and pushed it in... then he said again - eat.... i tried arguing i didnt want any but he would not hear it... so fine - i put 8 moon slices of squash on my plate and thats what i ate... he told me it was not enough and didnt count as doing what needs to be done... he doesnt seem to get... i havent kept ANYTHING down in over 5months - maybe longer so keepin what i did down yesterday was a HUGE deal... and let me just say - the guilt and fer had me up half the night iwas scared to death!  so when i weighed and found that i lost some more - i was surprised... im not sad about losing it - im just worried because i like the way it feels to shrink like this - to become small... the problem is now... i dont knw how to stop - i cant seem to maintain and i cant seem to stop the loss...

so today i will attempt to keep and apple down and make it through the rest of the day with my mind not being so hating but im also scared it can still make me gain which scares me more than not being able to stop losing...

not so sure anymore...

1105am sunday dec 11, 2011                                                                             96.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: nauseated, ANXIOUS, SCARED
its sunday and yesterday i ended the day successfuly fasting another day - so 2 days in a row - but not without confrontation... hubby asked when i was going to eat TODAY at 830pm... i told him id eat tomorrow i promise... so here i am... we just went to the comissary and walmart and got somethings for me to try eating... low fat cottage cheese and yesterday got some grape tomatoes - so far ive eaten 2 of the tomatoes and i feel really nauseated - mostly from anxiety and fear but also because i am honestly NOT hungry and forcing myself to eat... feels like that is a total contradiction towards getting better...
today i want to try and make something new for the family for dinner...idk i may not... i also want to workout - gonna have to since im eating this crap today... feel guilty for buying foods special for me, i dont deserve them and i dont even have a job to spend the money... i shouldnt get things for me - only my family... things i got include: light applesauce - 50cals a container, some 35cal a cup almond milk, cucumbers x3, cauliflower and broccoli - i think that was what we bought oh and a spaghetti squash... will see how far i get... so far im NOT feeling excited about stuffing food in my face and keeping it down...
id like to finish crocheting with the brown yarn im currently using then start something else, read a book and maybe start my new latch hook... hopefully busying myself will help me keep my mind off needing to purge... so util later... i bid adu

330pm MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, tired, depressed, UNCERTAIN

so i was able to eat 1/2 the cottage cheese which was 23cals and then 1/2 a serving of grape tomatoes which was 13 cals... puts me at 36 for the day... i am going to try to not have to eat dinner though - too much in one day i way too triggering...

so i woke yeterday aslo to the feeling of bloatedness more than i wanted, turns out my period started - wft? i guess it s stress and the prozac... idk back before when my weight was under 120 i didnt have a cycle for 2years... wish it would stay gone now...

i decided to go ahead and try to make the fiesta meatloaf in the pressure cooker... it calls for the use of a springform pan but i dont have one and could no find the right size so i just put it straight into the removable pot - it shold be fine...
recipe - FIESTA MEATLOAF: (pressure cooker or slow cooker)
1C crushed salted crackers
1C ketchup
1/2 gree bell pepper cut and diced
1 small onion chopped
1can pitted and sliced olives
2 eggs beaten
1 pckage of taco seasoning
2TBSP worstershire sauce
2LBS ground beef / turkey

in a bowl combine all ingredients EXCEPT meat an mix well. Add meat and place in a 7" round or spring form pan, or directly into the pot and smooth out... make sure the pressure cooker seal is on 'seal' and press the slow cook for 2-3 hrs...

once mine is done ill let you know how it turns out...
so for now i guess thats all i have....

keep breathing today will end - eventually...

sat dec10, 2011                                                                                              97
MOOD/EMOTIONS: a little hopeful, self-doubting, slightly manic but tired.
well i got up this am and i took a LONG warm shower i was frozen! then i climbed back into the bed and slept a bit longer getting up at 835am... i would have slept longer but my head was killing me so i finally gave up and just got dressed then lay back down a bit before going downstairs to start my daily schedule... when i did come downstairs i staarted the van to get it warm for me to head out... hubby didnt want to go so i went alone, first the bank, toys r us and finally the mini px with gamestop...i got all but 1 of the game the boys asked for for Christmas -they will be happy... then i came home...
to my surprise i have some massive cramps and some spotting... i thought with such a much lower than normal wight i might not have a period but i think it is from continuing with the prozac... if thats the case oh well - i have to have the prozac or i really have no control over my behaviors and thats not ok wth me...
i didnt eat yesterday at all, i was most effinately not hungry and super anxious as wll as stressed out... i went to bedat 7pm lastnight i was that tired! of course i didnt sleep all night - kept waking up but hat was to use the bathroom an not due to bad dreams this time. im not sure but maybe telling my therapisst about the dreams - well whats been happening maybe will help me to not have anymore? i stil didnt share about the locked doors and stuff, i just didnt feel like it and i was already fighting crying - holding those tears back when i was hurting... i know i shold let em out - but i hate crying - especially in front of people...

so its done... results?

friday dec 09, 2011   
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, sad, defeated, failed wish i could go to sleep and never wake up.

well i went with hubby to richmond to do some shopping but we didnt find nything but boxers! then he wanted a snack so he wanted to go to five guys and get some cajun fries... so thats where we next went and then to our appointment... i was so anxious i was barely able to breathe - unless i was consciously taking those breaths my therapist said i looked scared to death - ya - i was! so first i went in and talked to her and she prepped me for what was next - thing is i was TOTALLY not ready... she asked if i gave hubby the letter and i said yes, then she asked if i had the other letter with me - whoa what - other letter with me? no - i thought she wanted me to give it to him AFTER this appointment shit... she then says i will have to just tell him myself then - no im not ready to do this! i cant! im wishing i could die or at least disappear right about now!

so she brings him in and things get - busy? and he gives his input, his side and his opinion and i give what i can seeing as i rally was not ready for this... i sat there legs tight to my chest and shaking my leg - not because of any other reason other than i was freezing! her office thermometer read 69 and i felt like an icescicle!

we came to an agreement that when i feel like i need to purge - i will talk to my husband and if possible go to his work and sit with him for a while... this is REALLY going to be a challenge for me seeing as i normally wait until he leaves or isnt paying attention to purge and now i have to make that change for this to work... i want to get better - i REALLY do... i just wish this was not so hard.
im REALLY scared - i am petified of the weight they say im going to have to gain - i do NOT want to and i am not feeling good with it at all... i need to find a way to maintain this weight though without gaining - until i can get comfortable with it and then work on that... my first and biggest goal though is to stop purging alltogether... then ill work on the other side... the problem is hubby wants me to eat NOW and keep it all down... well since im scared to death of food - i have no idea how this will happen...
i hope i have the strength to do this and make it work this time...

im scared!

09 dec, 2011 friday 97

MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, scared, worried, afraid, uncertain, a little hopeful

ok today is the day when everything changes and i am scared as hell... i have this appointment with the therapist at noon today with my husband and he is going to learn a lot of new things that he is "aware" of but doesnt really know...im like an old dog - i am rigid and i hate changes... i prefer things the way i know them and just keep them going... however with this - that is not an option... so the anxiety is quelling again and the meds i took were helping but seems like it is building again...
im shaking like crazy and im cold... i have a long neck sweater on and pants and shoes and sox but it doesnt seem to be doing to much... i wish i could sit in a hot shower now but my husband should be home soon from his dr appointment and then we ar headed to richmond to get some Christmas shopping done - hopefully...

home made applesauce to cheer him up! and then some...

145pm thursday 08 dec, 2011                                                                      97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, nervous, freaking out, unsure, worried triggered

well i got up at 430 am and took my meds - i was determined to not bp today - was... i went to my apptointmen for my meds and i had a weird experience... see she is the one who before told me she didnt think i was 'sick enough' to need treatment... well today i guess her thoughts changed... i guess maybe cuz she hadnt seen me since sept at which time i was like 106... so ya ive lost quite  bit since then i guess... i cant see it andi dont feel it - in fact today i feel fatter than ever...
anyway so the appointment...she calls me nd i walk to go behind the normally locked doors and ten into her office... she shuts the door sits in her chair next to the couch im on ad says 'you look really fragile' i was like what? she says 'really thin, too thin' well i responded my normal response of no im not thin there is plenty left of me... she says 'why? because u could b thinner?' i replied with yes i could be but im not trying to be right now... as much as i want to believe that myself - i dont think she bought it either... i need to stop fooling myself - im thrilled ive lostso much weight! hell ive not been this size since probably about 6th grade or so... the problem is - its no making me happy and it is really worrying those who i care about, and love and hose who care about and love me... this is unacceptable and im making a change...

so i gave the letter to hubby lastnight... i was honestly expecting some sort or negative response - but it didnt happen... right nw he is still acting like i didnt give it to him and nothing is changed... i really hope he keeps this way as i dont want to lose him...

came home from the pharmacy ad seeing CM and started making hubby lunch... right as i was finishing and putting on his plte - he walked in - perfect timing today! then the mistake hit... he left back to work and i deided i couldnt avoid the trigger anymore so i ate and purged and now im exhausted... i feel like crap for wasting money by eating food im just going to barf up... but there was nothing else making me feel better... easing my anxiety over tomorrow just asnt happening and th anxiety meds did nothing for me today... so ya - im at 1x now again... i guess i cant be all too upset about it i mean i kow this cant happen overnight and i guess realistically i gave myelf an impossible goal for this month...but im still trying as hard as i can... i guess for now - i cant go over 1x a day if i do at all...

my son and i made applesauce in the pressure cooker... he is home sick from vommitting so we made the warm applesauce to help cheer him up and is gentle on the stomach... he is very content now!

i guess for now thats all i really have to say... i hope that i get back here another time today to write again... i just can think of anything right now except worry over tomorrow...