its way too early for this shit! and then some more...

omg it is barely 6 am and i have a horrible headache! on top of that it is making me crave to bp! i just want to go down and cook some eggs and load em with cheese then purge till there is nothing left! im not going to though. NOPE! im gonna hold on... i know i can do this... i can make it through this heaache just gotta keep pushing... eventually it either goes away on is own or i down some motrin! i just dont wanna take the motrin because it sometimes upsets my stomach as u r supposed to take with food or milk...
so keep fighthing this... after i take the boys to the bus think ill come home and go back to sleep - if i can... i slept so poorly lastnight was up and down and just tossed and turned most of the night... that and i had a boy on either side of the bed squishing me in the middle  - NO ROOM! i could barely move... the pain under my ribs would NOT go away either! it is so frustrating to do well then have all these issues... its like well if i just bp this will go away! however - NO! im still not going to give into the screams of mia... she will NOT win today! this is my day 2 and i know i can make it work!
so for my weight - why must my day be run by numbers and the fu*king scales! ugh! well anyway - i cant believe i fasted the entire day yesterday and didnt even lose an oz! not even 1! i really hope that is NOT a trend! GRRRRR! so fasting for day two... getting ready to go make some of the dieters tea... cinnamon spice - its really tastely and well it keeps me regular which when fasting otherwise it is very hard to do! so it will keep emptying me out whatever is in there and eventually i gotta drop some lbs!

THIS IS WHY I MUST NOT LET MIA WIN!!!!

well it is now 1230pm and so far i cant even get myself to drink anything...not even water... my chest is so tight... i was thinking about getting something to drink and thats when the super tightness came on... feels like someone just piled a stack of bricks on me and i ant get a deep breath - its really uncomfortable.

i went to the 930am zumba class... i was so tired when i got there i was afraid id either passout or just not make it through... somehow though i managed to find and keep the energy for the entire class... im glad cuz i really enjoy it... it reminds me so much of when i used to dance in school and of the martial arts... i really mss them both... im goig to attempt to keep myself going to these classes every mon and friday at 915 and 530 and on weds at 6...if i can somehow manage id like to also go on sats but i have the farmrs market and im usully not home from that yet.

today i am craving again...but im actually craving specific foods - not just to bp... i think my proteins are low again... ugh... im totally crving eggs loaded with cheese, salsa and sour cream... just all ooey and gooey and then purge it all right back up... however - im not going to do it! im making tacos for my boys for dinner - thats my youngest sons fav! he tells me i like tacos and i like pie just randomly will say it... its funny!

i cant believe how big my boys are getting...growing up so fast - im glad but it makes me sad at the same time... i miss them really needing mommy...soon they wont need me at all and that makes my heart ache... somedays i wish they could just be small forever and toher days im like hurry and grow up already! i dont really want that though... sometimes they just relly get to my nerves!

i guess today im searching for some feelings.. right now - ther just really isnt any... perhaps thats another reason for craving bp? so i can feel something even if it is empty and numbness? those feelings are no fun but i dont feel like i deserve to feel anything good so at least it is something...

i would like to cut today... i was watching intervention clips lastnight and this one girl was not only ana but also si and an alcoholic - she washed everything away with these coping mechanisms... they actually showed her cutting... it was so triggering...i was already having a rough night trying to not cave to mia and ths just made me crave the cutting... the bleeding and stinging... but somehow just as with mia - i resisted... i think it might be safe to assume (might be) ana has finally stepped in and taken control of this dance... i want to say it has been fun and great with mia - but i would totally be lieing... i really hope im not jumping the gun or early conclusions... i am really keeping every part of my body able to be crossed - crossed in that i am back with ana and that mia is for now, sitting behind me waiting for her next dance... one i think will never come if i can hold myself strog with ana... perhaps wanting to live with ana to dance with her and have her hold my hand is wrong... but it is so much better than dancing with the demons of mia...

REMEMBER THE EFFECTS OF MIA CAN BE VERY DEADLY!

I MUST NOT CAVE IN!

well it is now 10 till 3pm... i am still here and still fighing... i am literally having anxiety atacks when ever i think of going downstairs or into the kitchen... i am so afraid of caving in right now... afraid of havingthe biggest bp fest ive ever had and some horribleoutcome as the result... passing out, a seizure, hitting my head, a heart attack and the list goes on...i dont want any of those things and the way i am feeling right now - i know mia would have her demons chew me to the bone then spit me out to start again... i cant risk it - it is too dangerous... so instead i am 'camping out' in my room... away from all food and just trying to let the day pass... i dont think im going to go back to the gymn tonight... i want to and feel like i have too but i am so exhausted.... im afraid it will either result in my passing out or caving to a bp... i cant risk either factor... so i think for tonight i am bound to my room...at least it is safe in here....



WHETHER A DISEASE OR NOT... I LIVE WITH IT NOW AND FOREVER...

well it is now 730pm and well....

so i ended up going to the zumba class... it was fun but i was so tired i thought i wasnt going to make it through! i did! so glad - i needed to work my fat ass off! so i did just tht... i figure i burned about 1000cals between the 2 classes... the am ws way more packed than tonight - i think everyone was just tired with it being friday and all! im taking a elatonin tonight i think... to maybe help me sleep and so i dont get up and bp... im feeling it right now - i am very weak in that i want to so bad right now! im really fighting to be strong - this is 2 days now with nothing! i finally finished my 28oz of tea and 28oz of sugar free koolaid... i really need to try to drink some more but i dont want to go to the kitchen... there is FOOD in there - DUH! im so scared of caving right now... its all i can think about - tacos... i dont even LIKE food i just want to purge... the feeling under my ribs is killing me and i feel like bp will just fix the physical discomfort right now... but that means starting over yet again andim so sick of always starting over! so no - i am going to fight this as hard as i can and really try to NOT cave in!

ok so its a new day...

its a new day and so far so good... im fighting right now as this is my noontime binge time...grrrr... i am hoping i can find someone to chat with... ive already made 2 anklets and 2 bracelettes... i have to pick up kids from school soon so i really just need to make it that far then i will be pretty safe for the remainder of the day... my worst times are those at noon and around 4... so i will have to be home making dinner for the boys at that time and hope i can keep myself strong... i am debating on a dieters tea today or not? hmmm.... not sure... they make me 'go' to the bathroom and well since i did lax lastnight not sure i really should take the tea... i think i will though... wont hurt just keep me going and going lol!
anyway... so i took my meds today and im actually feeling a little more up today than i have in weeks - literally... they are also helping with the need to eat... see im not HUNGRY... im just CRAVING the bp cycle... i dont want it and i dont need it im just craving it - like a drug addict craving a fix... i guess this is my sick and demented fix...
i decided yesterday as i have thought many times before that i really wish i had never agreed to dance with mia... had i known when i was 14 what a true demon she is i would have stuck to just ana... now i have this demon to battle and im so sick of fighting with her... why wont she just LET ME GO! i guess i have to truly want to let go... although i dont want her here anymore at the same time im afraid to completely drop her hands from mine... i mean what if i binge? if she isnt here i have no fallback... so i kind of just want her hanging in the balance but i know thats not an option with mia... she is an all or nothing and right now she is trying to take all... she has already consumed me and im trying to purge myself from her... its just so damn hard!
i took a few pics this am with the cam phone... not very good... i want to see my bones! i was trying to get them in the pics... i still dont see them... where r they and y cant i c them? it seems so unfair!
i got a comment about how 'small' i am yesterday... i totally ate that up secretively... when asked if i could get any smaller i just wanted to say YES! and when she said are u gonna stop soon i just smiled slightly and was like nope... people just dont get this... it really isnt just a matter of eat and be normal... there is no such thing as normal once uve lived in an ed... once uve had it being normal is just not only too much work but too scarey... its so much better to just be the way we r and live the best we can - in secret or not... well sort of... i mean i know in my heart and logically this IS killing me and WILL take me from my family soon if i dont stop... well at least the mia side of it... so my goal is what im trying for today... one day at a time... starting with fasting... then we will see what happens from there... i still want to lose more weight and i dont plan to stop... i do want my labs normal or good and i do want to stop mia - i will just hopefully grow strong in ana again and be able to continue and be at least somewhat healthy in it... then once i get to a weight i can handle - live in it...
today i have dropped a few more oz's... not much but any loss is a great thing in my mind and totally makes my day! so today i was 118.6 its not the 116.6 i was last week - but im getting there...

so yeah... 118.6 and a long ways to go...can u see the hipbones?

tummy getting flatter... hipbones? maybe they r there... i cant ever tell...

AMEN!!!!!

keeping this in mind today as i fight the urge to bp!

k thats all for now - ill add more later as the day progresses... 937 AM

well it is sevral hours later - in fact it is 745pm. i am about to make it an early night... hoping i can ignore the calls of mia screaming in my head. i need to get some sleep tonight - im exhausted... so today i managed to do some of my homework... then i chatted online for a bit and of course i slept in just  a little... anything right now to kill time so i can make this day my fasting day #1! well as of right now  this minute - ive not caved in...ive been really tempted but strong with ana... i made some bracelettes and anklets and i put them on... i feel like they r helping with my strength to pull through... i am struggling though... not because i want or need to bp - because i am CRAVING it... my body so wants to feel that full to emptiness again... but im not doing it... empty is empty and i just want to stay like this... i also am having the horrible side effects of not eating - worst is the headache! in addition is the side pains under my ribs... i think it is from the lax and now they are wearng off... its so uncomfortable! i totally hate it! i am really triggered right now to just go bp as a result to get the pains to go away... maybe the food will push the air out or whatever is hurting me! but NO i will NOT cave in! mia is NOT winning tonight! i have FINALLY made a day with no bp - granted i didnt eat anything either but hell - its still a step in the right direction! besides - that was my goal in the first place - stop eating... no eating means there is nothing inside me and means i dont need to purge... it means the weight will start coming off and everything will be all good again!

so how will the day come to a close? im not sure... its about to attempt to end here shortly as i will be going to bed when the boys do tonight... maybe a good nights sleep will help rejuvinate my body and give me some energy to stay strong and even workout tomorrow... there is zumba in the am and pm maybe i will attempt to go to both...

and so the cycle continues...

and so today has been shitty... i was doing good... i made it until 1230 - with nothing but 10oz of tea... then i got a message about the base being attacked and my hubby was talking about how he needs to drop 20lbs and well there was my damn triggers... i was binging and then toilet dating before long... so irritated! i was like - ok this is ok - its only once... i can move on and just no more today... WRONG! so i had to take my son to court for a fight he got into even though he didnt fight back and was not at fault - trigger number 2! i had no clue what was going to happen and once it was over it didnt matter my nerves were so shot i came home and binged and then purged...grrrr... ok not too bad 2x and the day was still early... however had to do dinner for the boys and they were complaining and i was already stressed and it just lead to yet ANOTHER bp cycle! ok i thought ill brush this off start fresh tomorrow.. work it off in zumba tonight - no big deal... WRONG AGAIN! im supposed to go to zumba, we had 2 stops to make first - no big deal plenty of time... we make stop one then stop 2 we have to wait for the manager and he takes forever! thn we go to get the exchange backpacks, my son gives me assitude and well we ended up late by 7 min. they locked the classroom door and i could not go in! i was so pissed i got my other son from the kids area and just left... came home and well bp AGAIN! i am so sick of this shit! my goal is a fasting plan i have with a friend... i really hope i can do it... im taking lax again tonight then just hoping i can be stronger tomorrow than i was today... im such a fucking failure!

ive seriously got to follow this!!!!

well dont be a fu*k up like me!

so i am really really angry with myself! i cant believe my lack of will power and strength! i used to be SO strong with ana - now suddenly its like she doesnt exist and mia is all that is left... idk maybe she ate ana like she ate me...leaving only her and nothing and noone else... im sick of her shit though! i just want to find that lever i had before that said hey hold on there! u REALLY dont want to do that! dont eat that! anything but stuffing my face to only then shove it into the nearest toilet to empty myself once again. maybe with ana i didnt have a lot of control but at least i had some dignity! the only thing i do when i go some place to eat now is look for a bathroom... if i spot a bathroom im clear to eat so i can go empty myself and feel that high and numbness... tonight being of course no different... ive managed to eat a whole thing of chips ahoy oatmeal chocolate chip cookies and purge then a bowl of rice with shredded cheese and purge again! since it was at one sitting but 2 different purges idk if it counts as one or 2 b/p either way it is too many! so now i have resorted to something else... i am downing some lax... some magnesium citrate... supposed to take one bottle - im in the middle of my 2nd... if i had 3 id drink that one too... the mood im in right now i wish i could take 1000! anything to clean me out and make me miserable so i never want to eat or look at food again! either way - i am GOING to find a way to give mia the 'ol HEAVE HO!

so with that being said... i am warning all those out there who might think im going to join em in this world of FATness! i am NOT! so the warning is officially posted!

DONT SAY i DIDNT WARN U!

AND SICK OF BEING SICK!!!

well some more... seems im just full of words today!

ok so today was going so much better after i woke up a 2nd time round to restart this day... trying to be bp free... was posting and blogging and chatting with friends and spouse then i had to leave... mistake... i left to go get my labwork results - i was ok with this i knew that i would have to deal with them no matter what the turn out right? so i get to the hospital get the results and i get some interesting results... some of the more dangerous ones (magnesium and potassium) came back borderline normal - yay! well my protein in the blood came up FINALLY but not quite above normal yet still deficient... but deff better and my dr will be pleased - i think! then im looking further and some new ones are now super low! wtf! i just cant win! some go up and others fall down! so sick of this battle! but ok i think i can do this! so i go to my case manager and she tells me u know the dr is probably going to want the labs redrawn next week since u got them a whole week before your appt! WHAT! so not fair! i mean she said get them before the appt - not how much before the appt! so now i have to be even more careful they dont fall again before next week! on top of that i know im gonna get chewed becuz my weight is down... i dont care about that as long as the labs r up - she cant do anything to me... im just totally stressing now that she is going to make me redo the labs! so anyway - yeah thats what triggered the whole binge and now im off to get yet MORE school supplies for my boys... does this EVER end!

ME IF I KEEP UP THE FUCKING EATING!!

so i am totally not in a very good place right now... irritated and frustrated and just really angry with everything - especially me... i guess the only good thing is im getting it out there... ive written my paper and ive posted it to my class as well as on here... people can read it and i hope will learn from it and take it to heart... i hope they will read the hell that this life really is and see they dont really want to go this path... if they are already on it maybe my words will help motivate them to get help or at least to see that they are NOT alone in this hell...i often wake and think throughout the day - i just want to be NORMAL! but then when i look around and i see what 'NORMAL' is or is portrayed to be - i think is that REALLY how i want to be? there is NO WAY on this earth i want to weigh more than i do now - hell i dont want to weigh this amount! but MORE? I THINK NOT! so if thats normal... well good by normal... let me be abnormal in a different way... i dont want to be this way either - i just want to be...HAPPY.

SHE NEEDS A ZIP CODE ALL HER OWN!!!

PLEASE DONT EVER LET THIS BE ME!!!!

so wanted to add something...

my intentions of this blog are NOT to encourage or to motivate ANYONE into a lifestyle of self hatred and disgust. nor is it meant to be a motivation to help anyone to lose weight or to tryto 'become' ana or mia... in my opinion ana and mia are NOT a choic... we are predisposed with the disorders and they develop according to how we are raised and the environment we live in as well as events that may or may not occur in our lives... for me there is more to it than it is just from past abuse... so yeah i was abused - sexually more times than one can count and by more than one person. i was verbally abused by a step parent and traumatized through his drinking and tantrums... i lived in foster care and i was forced into family therapy that i hated with a passion and refused to participate in. i eventually got married and moved out. i was unaware that by this time i was already my worst enemy and that i was no longer a person but my disoreder and ther is no way around it. eventually i will go fully into recovery - i hope. but for today - i am still in this life and i am not about to stop... i am just trying to change some of the behaviors to less drastic and dangerous ones... please dont come to me for tips or tricks - you wont find any on this blog... its not for that... it is merely for my thoughts, vents, rants, raves and even if i feel like it - my tears.

JUST BECAUSE MY PAGE IS NOT FOR THINSPO DOESNT MEAN I APPROVE OF BEING FAT!!!

another crappy day in the life of hell on earth...

ok so wtf is wrong with me! i get up and get my boys ready for school - no problem right? WRONG! all i can think about is is NEED to bp! i cant though - not yet... i have to go get labs drawn means i have to be empty - a fasting lab...so i am moody and cranky and i am snappy with my sons... i will have to apologize this afternoon... so i get them off to school come home, dress and go to the hospital for the labs...i am waiting in line it takes FOREVER it seems just for me to check in! finally i get checkd and the lady at the desk is a friend... she knows about the eating disorder just not the extent of it and knows i am fighting to stay clear and free of the hospital... she asks me what im doing there and im like just getting bloodwork...
so i am talking to her and finally my number is called so i can get my blood work done... i go into the room and there is a new person there plus a guy who will NOT draw my blood because both times he has tried - no luck... he doesnt like sticking and not getting the job done - i appreciate that! i HATE needles! so im like should we warn this guy? he says na hes been doing great all morning - no misses... i was like ok... so im sitting here waiting and finally he has everything ready then im like u know... noone else can ever get me on the first try except mrs. T... he was like really? why? u have great veins... i was like yeah i know - just warning u... so he cleans and preps and sticks - nothing... sheer pain up my arm and he withdrawls the needle... see i told u... noone can do it! GRRRR! so he looks at the other arm and is like let me go get mrs. T and see if she can do it... mrs. T has a bad hand right now and is getting surgery - so for now she is out of the drawing room and up at the front desk - thats the friend i was talking too... she comes in and is like ok lets see what we have... clean preps sticks and done... i knew it... like magic it always works with her! oh well so i left with 2 sticks as usual when she isnt in the dawing room... so tired of being stuck!
next stop - case manager... she is not there... so i go to the van and next thing i know i find myself sitting at a breakfast buffet gorging on eggs, potatoes with meat free gravy and a salad... i went in and purged... came back and had some grits with syrup and french toast sticks and some mini powdered donuts... so irritated with myself i pay go in and purge again and come home... i get home and try to purge some more - make sure i got it all - nothing else came up... im so exhausted so i take my diet pills  its 930am and im going back to bed - start this day OVER!
i laid down to sleep i finally fell into a light sleep but i was so cold... my feet like ice and shaking from the chills... so i got up at 11 am went in to shower... i sat there in that water for a good amount of time... i feel much warmer now... the urge to bp is not here... in fact i dont feel like dealing with food at all... i just want to lock myself away in my room and pretend the kitchen doesnt exist!
i hate this life ive suddenly become engrossed in... i hate that the voice of mia has completely taken over my mind and body... i feel like i have no freedom - there is no choice and no control... it has all been taken away... ive got to find some way to push the voice of mia down and let ana rise back up and get her strength again... i cant continue to use mia... she is going to kill me... depleting my body of all the things it needs to function and survive... at least with ana i am empty...
ana please come back stronger than ever - i need ur help to do this!

MY PERSONAL GOAL IS TO BE AS THIN AS THE ONE ON THE RIGHT!!!