well some more... seems im just full of words today!

ok so today was going so much better after i woke up a 2nd time round to restart this day... trying to be bp free... was posting and blogging and chatting with friends and spouse then i had to leave... mistake... i left to go get my labwork results - i was ok with this i knew that i would have to deal with them no matter what the turn out right? so i get to the hospital get the results and i get some interesting results... some of the more dangerous ones (magnesium and potassium) came back borderline normal - yay! well my protein in the blood came up FINALLY but not quite above normal yet still deficient... but deff better and my dr will be pleased - i think! then im looking further and some new ones are now super low! wtf! i just cant win! some go up and others fall down! so sick of this battle! but ok i think i can do this! so i go to my case manager and she tells me u know the dr is probably going to want the labs redrawn next week since u got them a whole week before your appt! WHAT! so not fair! i mean she said get them before the appt - not how much before the appt! so now i have to be even more careful they dont fall again before next week! on top of that i know im gonna get chewed becuz my weight is down... i dont care about that as long as the labs r up - she cant do anything to me... im just totally stressing now that she is going to make me redo the labs! so anyway - yeah thats what triggered the whole binge and now im off to get yet MORE school supplies for my boys... does this EVER end!

ME IF I KEEP UP THE FUCKING EATING!!

so i am totally not in a very good place right now... irritated and frustrated and just really angry with everything - especially me... i guess the only good thing is im getting it out there... ive written my paper and ive posted it to my class as well as on here... people can read it and i hope will learn from it and take it to heart... i hope they will read the hell that this life really is and see they dont really want to go this path... if they are already on it maybe my words will help motivate them to get help or at least to see that they are NOT alone in this hell...i often wake and think throughout the day - i just want to be NORMAL! but then when i look around and i see what 'NORMAL' is or is portrayed to be - i think is that REALLY how i want to be? there is NO WAY on this earth i want to weigh more than i do now - hell i dont want to weigh this amount! but MORE? I THINK NOT! so if thats normal... well good by normal... let me be abnormal in a different way... i dont want to be this way either - i just want to be...HAPPY.

SHE NEEDS A ZIP CODE ALL HER OWN!!!

PLEASE DONT EVER LET THIS BE ME!!!!