omg it is barely 6 am and i have a horrible headache! on top of that it is making me crave to bp! i just want to go down and cook some eggs and load em with cheese then purge till there is nothing left! im not going to though. NOPE! im gonna hold on... i know i can do this... i can make it through this heaache just gotta keep pushing... eventually it either goes away on is own or i down some motrin! i just dont wanna take the motrin because it sometimes upsets my stomach as u r supposed to take with food or milk...
so keep fighthing this... after i take the boys to the bus think ill come home and go back to sleep - if i can... i slept so poorly lastnight was up and down and just tossed and turned most of the night... that and i had a boy on either side of the bed squishing me in the middle - NO ROOM! i could barely move... the pain under my ribs would NOT go away either! it is so frustrating to do well then have all these issues... its like well if i just bp this will go away! however - NO! im still not going to give into the screams of mia... she will NOT win today! this is my day 2 and i know i can make it work!
so for my weight - why must my day be run by numbers and the fu*king scales! ugh! well anyway - i cant believe i fasted the entire day yesterday and didnt even lose an oz! not even 1! i really hope that is NOT a trend! GRRRRR! so fasting for day two... getting ready to go make some of the dieters tea... cinnamon spice - its really tastely and well it keeps me regular which when fasting otherwise it is very hard to do! so it will keep emptying me out whatever is in there and eventually i gotta drop some lbs!
THIS IS WHY I MUST NOT LET MIA WIN!!!!
well it is now 1230pm and so far i cant even get myself to drink anything...not even water... my chest is so tight... i was thinking about getting something to drink and thats when the super tightness came on... feels like someone just piled a stack of bricks on me and i ant get a deep breath - its really uncomfortable.
i went to the 930am zumba class... i was so tired when i got there i was afraid id either passout or just not make it through... somehow though i managed to find and keep the energy for the entire class... im glad cuz i really enjoy it... it reminds me so much of when i used to dance in school and of the martial arts... i really mss them both... im goig to attempt to keep myself going to these classes every mon and friday at 915 and 530 and on weds at 6...if i can somehow manage id like to also go on sats but i have the farmrs market and im usully not home from that yet.
today i am craving again...but im actually craving specific foods - not just to bp... i think my proteins are low again... ugh... im totally crving eggs loaded with cheese, salsa and sour cream... just all ooey and gooey and then purge it all right back up... however - im not going to do it! im making tacos for my boys for dinner - thats my youngest sons fav! he tells me i like tacos and i like pie just randomly will say it... its funny!
i cant believe how big my boys are getting...growing up so fast - im glad but it makes me sad at the same time... i miss them really needing mommy...soon they wont need me at all and that makes my heart ache... somedays i wish they could just be small forever and toher days im like hurry and grow up already! i dont really want that though... sometimes they just relly get to my nerves!
i guess today im searching for some feelings.. right now - ther just really isnt any... perhaps thats another reason for craving bp? so i can feel something even if it is empty and numbness? those feelings are no fun but i dont feel like i deserve to feel anything good so at least it is something...
i would like to cut today... i was watching intervention clips lastnight and this one girl was not only ana but also si and an alcoholic - she washed everything away with these coping mechanisms... they actually showed her cutting... it was so triggering...i was already having a rough night trying to not cave to mia and ths just made me crave the cutting... the bleeding and stinging... but somehow just as with mia - i resisted... i think it might be safe to assume (might be) ana has finally stepped in and taken control of this dance... i want to say it has been fun and great with mia - but i would totally be lieing... i really hope im not jumping the gun or early conclusions... i am really keeping every part of my body able to be crossed - crossed in that i am back with ana and that mia is for now, sitting behind me waiting for her next dance... one i think will never come if i can hold myself strog with ana... perhaps wanting to live with ana to dance with her and have her hold my hand is wrong... but it is so much better than dancing with the demons of mia...
REMEMBER THE EFFECTS OF MIA CAN BE VERY DEADLY!
I MUST NOT CAVE IN!
well it is now 10 till 3pm... i am still here and still fighing... i am literally having anxiety atacks when ever i think of going downstairs or into the kitchen... i am so afraid of caving in right now... afraid of havingthe biggest bp fest ive ever had and some horribleoutcome as the result... passing out, a seizure, hitting my head, a heart attack and the list goes on...i dont want any of those things and the way i am feeling right now - i know mia would have her demons chew me to the bone then spit me out to start again... i cant risk it - it is too dangerous... so instead i am 'camping out' in my room... away from all food and just trying to let the day pass... i dont think im going to go back to the gymn tonight... i want to and feel like i have too but i am so exhausted.... im afraid it will either result in my passing out or caving to a bp... i cant risk either factor... so i think for tonight i am bound to my room...at least it is safe in here....
WHETHER A DISEASE OR NOT... I LIVE WITH IT NOW AND FOREVER...
well it is now 730pm and well....
so i ended up going to the zumba class... it was fun but i was so tired i thought i wasnt going to make it through! i did! so glad - i needed to work my fat ass off! so i did just tht... i figure i burned about 1000cals between the 2 classes... the am ws way more packed than tonight - i think everyone was just tired with it being friday and all! im taking a elatonin tonight i think... to maybe help me sleep and so i dont get up and bp... im feeling it right now - i am very weak in that i want to so bad right now! im really fighting to be strong - this is 2 days now with nothing! i finally finished my 28oz of tea and 28oz of sugar free koolaid... i really need to try to drink some more but i dont want to go to the kitchen... there is FOOD in there - DUH! im so scared of caving right now... its all i can think about - tacos... i dont even LIKE food i just want to purge... the feeling under my ribs is killing me and i feel like bp will just fix the physical discomfort right now... but that means starting over yet again andim so sick of always starting over! so no - i am going to fight this as hard as i can and really try to NOT cave in!
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