ok so its a new day...

its a new day and so far so good... im fighting right now as this is my noontime binge time...grrrr... i am hoping i can find someone to chat with... ive already made 2 anklets and 2 bracelettes... i have to pick up kids from school soon so i really just need to make it that far then i will be pretty safe for the remainder of the day... my worst times are those at noon and around 4... so i will have to be home making dinner for the boys at that time and hope i can keep myself strong... i am debating on a dieters tea today or not? hmmm.... not sure... they make me 'go' to the bathroom and well since i did lax lastnight not sure i really should take the tea... i think i will though... wont hurt just keep me going and going lol!
anyway... so i took my meds today and im actually feeling a little more up today than i have in weeks - literally... they are also helping with the need to eat... see im not HUNGRY... im just CRAVING the bp cycle... i dont want it and i dont need it im just craving it - like a drug addict craving a fix... i guess this is my sick and demented fix...
i decided yesterday as i have thought many times before that i really wish i had never agreed to dance with mia... had i known when i was 14 what a true demon she is i would have stuck to just ana... now i have this demon to battle and im so sick of fighting with her... why wont she just LET ME GO! i guess i have to truly want to let go... although i dont want her here anymore at the same time im afraid to completely drop her hands from mine... i mean what if i binge? if she isnt here i have no fallback... so i kind of just want her hanging in the balance but i know thats not an option with mia... she is an all or nothing and right now she is trying to take all... she has already consumed me and im trying to purge myself from her... its just so damn hard!
i took a few pics this am with the cam phone... not very good... i want to see my bones! i was trying to get them in the pics... i still dont see them... where r they and y cant i c them? it seems so unfair!
i got a comment about how 'small' i am yesterday... i totally ate that up secretively... when asked if i could get any smaller i just wanted to say YES! and when she said are u gonna stop soon i just smiled slightly and was like nope... people just dont get this... it really isnt just a matter of eat and be normal... there is no such thing as normal once uve lived in an ed... once uve had it being normal is just not only too much work but too scarey... its so much better to just be the way we r and live the best we can - in secret or not... well sort of... i mean i know in my heart and logically this IS killing me and WILL take me from my family soon if i dont stop... well at least the mia side of it... so my goal is what im trying for today... one day at a time... starting with fasting... then we will see what happens from there... i still want to lose more weight and i dont plan to stop... i do want my labs normal or good and i do want to stop mia - i will just hopefully grow strong in ana again and be able to continue and be at least somewhat healthy in it... then once i get to a weight i can handle - live in it...
today i have dropped a few more oz's... not much but any loss is a great thing in my mind and totally makes my day! so today i was 118.6 its not the 116.6 i was last week - but im getting there...

so yeah... 118.6 and a long ways to go...can u see the hipbones?

tummy getting flatter... hipbones? maybe they r there... i cant ever tell...

AMEN!!!!!

keeping this in mind today as i fight the urge to bp!

k thats all for now - ill add more later as the day progresses... 937 AM

well it is sevral hours later - in fact it is 745pm. i am about to make it an early night... hoping i can ignore the calls of mia screaming in my head. i need to get some sleep tonight - im exhausted... so today i managed to do some of my homework... then i chatted online for a bit and of course i slept in just  a little... anything right now to kill time so i can make this day my fasting day #1! well as of right now  this minute - ive not caved in...ive been really tempted but strong with ana... i made some bracelettes and anklets and i put them on... i feel like they r helping with my strength to pull through... i am struggling though... not because i want or need to bp - because i am CRAVING it... my body so wants to feel that full to emptiness again... but im not doing it... empty is empty and i just want to stay like this... i also am having the horrible side effects of not eating - worst is the headache! in addition is the side pains under my ribs... i think it is from the lax and now they are wearng off... its so uncomfortable! i totally hate it! i am really triggered right now to just go bp as a result to get the pains to go away... maybe the food will push the air out or whatever is hurting me! but NO i will NOT cave in! mia is NOT winning tonight! i have FINALLY made a day with no bp - granted i didnt eat anything either but hell - its still a step in the right direction! besides - that was my goal in the first place - stop eating... no eating means there is nothing inside me and means i dont need to purge... it means the weight will start coming off and everything will be all good again!

so how will the day come to a close? im not sure... its about to attempt to end here shortly as i will be going to bed when the boys do tonight... maybe a good nights sleep will help rejuvinate my body and give me some energy to stay strong and even workout tomorrow... there is zumba in the am and pm maybe i will attempt to go to both...