hmmm... well the feelings have been purged out today and tonight i am just numb... i dont really feel anything... well physically i am exhausted... i went to the gymn and did the bike for 20minutes then went to zumba for an hr then back to the bike for 25min... on the bike i burned 350cals... i was going a slow speed and my knee was killing me so i went as long as i could then had to stop... grrrr... hate my body so much! it just doesnt work with me!
so i have decided for tonight no lax... i pray its not a big mistake... i ended up purging 3x today which although still too many is deffinately way better than it has been over the past week... i just hope i can be strong tomorrow... i want to get up and go to the gymn during the day and do the bike for a while... i wont do a strenuous workout just something and it will keep me away from food!
so after my gymn workout my legs are sore and like rubber and now my stomach hurts but idk if its from the workout or the purging... grrrrr.... wish i knw so i could be happy about the pain!
i have ben having a lot of physical signs of problems from this damn eating disorder (i wonder sometimes if it is in fact a disorder or just issues...)...anyway like constant tiredness and dizzy spells... times where i will see little silver things floating all around then things slowly go all black and i find myself stumbling to catch my balance or leaning on a wall to keep from falling out.. ths last purge i did was one of the worst in a while in that i thought for sure i was going to pass out... i was falling i could feel it and i was afraid i wasnt going to be able to old myself up but i managed to lean on the wall and counter enough, i stayed upright and still conscious... i am just waiting for the day i passout again or worse - have another seizure...
so my weight today STILL STUCK at 118! i wish it would stop this nonsense and go DOWN already!
i have the worst headache right now... it is pounding... like i took lax but didnt... its the same type of headache i get after taking them before they work... i really hate that headache!
so last few times ive taken the lax i not only got he headaches, i felt like an insomniac - i could not go to sleep even when i tried... then adding to that was this weird feeling like my blood was bubbling... it felt like the blood in my boddy was bubbling and vibrating in my veins it woke me the few times i was able to dose off and it was really weird feeling... idk im just giving my body a break from the lax tonight... will see if it is worth it or if i pay the price and gain tomorrow... either way - my body needed a break i guess... my therapist used to tell me i need to learn to listen to my body - well this is as much listening as im doing... i need to lose this weight then maybe ill pay more attention to what it says!
0 comments:
Post a Comment