sometimes the shit life throws my way is just way more than i can or am willing to handle. i think this past week has been a perfect example of my inability to cope with things. some things i am aware and others i have no idea - i just go into m autopilot mode and do what i always have - it works. well now im sick of it. its not working. im geting irritated with myself. i hate living this way. i hate feeling dirty and sick all the time. i despise going into a resteraunt because i know i wont be using their toilet for the most common method. instead my face will be meeting and dating the toilet. with water probably splashing up and hoping it doesnt hit my face - thats so gross. lucky for me i am a pretty quiet purger so in part with that there is usually little to no splashback. still i despise that i have to toilet date. i really want to stop. they say in order for it to work u have to want it bad enough. well how fucking bad do i need to want it to make it work!i wake every morning with the full intentions that that day will be different and yet it goes exactly the same or worse. i am just so tired of this and i have no fight left in me. this week i have completely succombed to mia. i know this and i really hope i find some strength somewhere to fight her and not give her my life this upcoming week and in my future. it is ana's hand who i wsh to hold close right now. she is so much safer and not so disgusting. she doesnt make me smell or date misc toilets. i feel like i am mia's date whore - i hate it.
so this is more of a random vent right now. iam juts feeling so lost in all this and so very alone. i know im not alone - not really. i have ana friends some who i chat with online and others i text. we all struggle in our own ways with one or two really struggling like me with mia. they get what im going through and i so appreciate their support but tonight, the depression is here and i feel so very alone. im so ready for the day to be over. im drinking lax now and i will wake later to their torture - but i am prepared. i welcome that pain. it is something besides sadness and aloneness...
i really want to go back to my therapist i wish the dr would just lift the recommendation so i could go back - she wont. i am going to be alone forever now i think. it is something i have to just get used to. this is where alot of my sadness is coming from tonight. a lot of where the trigger to just give in to mia. she is wearing my body down. destroying my body, my mind- my soul. i ahve very little left. i have no focus no motivation. when i purge i am getting dizzy and often have to hold the counter or side bar to keep from falling over.
this morning at the farmers market i got all dizzy and nauseated - everything started to go black and i was interupted by the lady asking if i was ok did i need to sit down? i said i was ok and we left. went to the resteraunt where i binged on eggs and salad and purged 3x. we left went to the military store on base and i tried to purge some more in their bathroo - making sure i got it all and i had. then we bought what we needed and went to the comissary. the place was packed. i was so irritated - i hate shopping anyway but all these people just made it worse! we got what we needed then had to wait in the line... people go so slow sometimes it seems they have no concern for others. i was really getting annoyed finally it was our turn...got done paying and we left. came home and wanted to go to the gym - well the 2pm class isnt on sat - its on sunday grrr.... ok so we r going tomorrow. no big deal had homework to finish anyway...well mia decided she wasnt done with me yet... i dont even know how many times i bp today - it seemed like that is all i did besides my assignment. at least i finally got the assinment done. i just wish i wasnt bp so mcuh - i have this massive headache from it... its only geting worse... i finally took a potassium supplement earlier - idk igf it even absorbed or if i ended up prging it out... i think it was in for a bit but ive purged so much since i took it - probably gone now... im such a waste of times, space and breath... i really sometimes just wish i would fall asleep and not wake... the problem with this is there is noone here right now for my boys so this cant happen just yet... i am afraid the way things r going i wont make it to the end of the yr and although i dont mind the thought of leaving, it hurts me to think i will be. in addition it scares me that someone else will need to take care of my boys - those are MY babies and i love and live for them... i dont want someone else having them... this means i have got to find some fight to be able to stick around or just let go... the ast thing my therapist said to me was 'dont give up mrs. susan im not giving up on u. i believe in u and that u can beat this' if she believed so much why wont she see me now? why cant i find it in me to not give up? why has everyone else given up on me? y cant i see whatever it is she sees so i can get better? so i can beat this - whatever it is thats making me go back over and over? why cant i be fixed?
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