ok so wtf is wrong with me! i get up and get my boys ready for school - no problem right? WRONG! all i can think about is is NEED to bp! i cant though - not yet... i have to go get labs drawn means i have to be empty - a fasting lab...so i am moody and cranky and i am snappy with my sons... i will have to apologize this afternoon... so i get them off to school come home, dress and go to the hospital for the labs...i am waiting in line it takes FOREVER it seems just for me to check in! finally i get checkd and the lady at the desk is a friend... she knows about the eating disorder just not the extent of it and knows i am fighting to stay clear and free of the hospital... she asks me what im doing there and im like just getting bloodwork...
so i am talking to her and finally my number is called so i can get my blood work done... i go into the room and there is a new person there plus a guy who will NOT draw my blood because both times he has tried - no luck... he doesnt like sticking and not getting the job done - i appreciate that! i HATE needles! so im like should we warn this guy? he says na hes been doing great all morning - no misses... i was like ok... so im sitting here waiting and finally he has everything ready then im like u know... noone else can ever get me on the first try except mrs. T... he was like really? why? u have great veins... i was like yeah i know - just warning u... so he cleans and preps and sticks - nothing... sheer pain up my arm and he withdrawls the needle... see i told u... noone can do it! GRRRR! so he looks at the other arm and is like let me go get mrs. T and see if she can do it... mrs. T has a bad hand right now and is getting surgery - so for now she is out of the drawing room and up at the front desk - thats the friend i was talking too... she comes in and is like ok lets see what we have... clean preps sticks and done... i knew it... like magic it always works with her! oh well so i left with 2 sticks as usual when she isnt in the dawing room... so tired of being stuck!
next stop - case manager... she is not there... so i go to the van and next thing i know i find myself sitting at a breakfast buffet gorging on eggs, potatoes with meat free gravy and a salad... i went in and purged... came back and had some grits with syrup and french toast sticks and some mini powdered donuts... so irritated with myself i pay go in and purge again and come home... i get home and try to purge some more - make sure i got it all - nothing else came up... im so exhausted so i take my diet pills its 930am and im going back to bed - start this day OVER!
i laid down to sleep i finally fell into a light sleep but i was so cold... my feet like ice and shaking from the chills... so i got up at 11 am went in to shower... i sat there in that water for a good amount of time... i feel much warmer now... the urge to bp is not here... in fact i dont feel like dealing with food at all... i just want to lock myself away in my room and pretend the kitchen doesnt exist!
i hate this life ive suddenly become engrossed in... i hate that the voice of mia has completely taken over my mind and body... i feel like i have no freedom - there is no choice and no control... it has all been taken away... ive got to find some way to push the voice of mia down and let ana rise back up and get her strength again... i cant continue to use mia... she is going to kill me... depleting my body of all the things it needs to function and survive... at least with ana i am empty...
ana please come back stronger than ever - i need ur help to do this!
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