well it is a sunny morning - outside...

1150 am...
idk it must be warm - it looks lovely! i have this assignment to do i still have yet to start... but thats ok... going to the gymn in a bit taking the text with me and will read while on the bike... doing another fast today - so far so good... i HAVE to ake sure i am drinking though! if i dont drink i cant flush out the body... i am just so afraid to let anything in my mouth or it will turn into a freaking b/p!
well i weighed this am and i was SO happy! i lost more! i am at 116.4 now WHOOT!! WHOOT!! idk what my goal is but i know the lower i get the closer i am!

been having a lot of dizziness lately... im sre it was from the purging yesterday - 3x... not good especially after 2 days of strict fasting... hopefully te fasting gets easier now... like i sad - today so far im not even craving... i havent been downstairs yet though either - thats the bad place... thats where the kitchen is and thats where it gets to be a challenge... tonight i think im going to grill burgers for the boys - that will not tempt me seeing as i dont eat meat...its the other stuff that gets me - like the veggies i make for them... cutting the tomatoes and onions and heating the corn on the cob (i already cooked it in advance) and the squash and stuff... thats where i get weak... but i feel strong right now so i am sure i can do this...the numbers going down have helped me today i think... ill post a pic of me again soon... but for now...

OK THIS IS JUST AWESOME! SO WISH I WERE THAT FLEXIBLE AND THIN!

FOR TODAY MY MOUTH IS GLUED SHUT...

AND THIS IS THE GOAL...

so here goes for the rest of today!

well lets see 545pm...

so far so good! i am fighting big time right now though... i dont want to cave and i am really trying not too... a huge thing fr me is this homework assignment... i gott call my mom and get info from her on my family... it is always a huge trigger fo me to talk to my mom... i guess there are a few reasons why but i know part of it is she always brings things up and i cant do anything to help and it just sets me off... i feel so useless...then thereis the fact that her weight triggers me - but im that way with about everyone... mostly i think it is because we just dont have a really strong relationship, she feels guilty and it comes across when we talk... plus she feels like her grandkids lives are being taken from her because she cant see them - i really cant help that either... so yeah, i guess there are plenty of reasons why it is so hard for me to talk to her...

so my boys go back to school tomorrow... good they need something to do lol! just kidding... i love them being here with me... i especially like when we talk its nice we have that bond...i do like when they are ins chool though because they learn and then when they come home and tell me everything all excited - i just love that! little sponges!

so my shoulders are still sore and so is my lower back... i also have pains in my ribs still to the touch... grrr... ive noticed my knees are sore when they rub together - time to get that body pillow out so i dont get so many bruises! at least it is nearly fall so it will begin to cool off... people wont look at me so funny when im wearing th big clothes and the layers... i hate when people look at me like r u cazy! i cant help it! im cold and i dont like people to see me - i hate my fat body! even now ive lost so much weight i still dont like to show my body but i wear a little moe fitting clothes... only because toooooo big is really suspicious and people begin to question the bigness...

something really bothering me lately is the hairloss though... i mean it is BAD... i can comb my hair and there is tons comes out...then get in the shower and just get wet or wash and condition and the drain is clogged... it really bad... my husband says i lose more hair than the cats! my hair is getting so thin... i am afraid im starting to really go bald...my hair has been the only thing on my body i even slightly like... now it is going away too...

oh well i guess..

so i am going to keep fighting this urge to bp i really hope i can be strong...its 6pm now... im going to bed early - hopefully around 8... maybe that will help keep me from it... means i gotta make 2 more hours...

THIS IS THE GOAL!!!

well now it is 630...

called my mom and she isnt home... she finally got visitation with my neice and nephew - 1st time since like june... she sounded so happy... she didnt have the info i needed though and is going to call me back in the morning... oh well...

so i went and did 150 crunches... i think ill do some more in a bit... thats all i could do at one time though...so i am happy she was able to see my neice and nephew... its a long story but for now their dad has custody of them... there were some allegations a while back made against himso i really hope it wasnt true - those babies could be suffering and i cant do anything about it...

been in my room all day today except when i went to grill the dinner for the boys... i know i am neglecting them by not being down there... i feel so guilty but i just cant be near that kitchen! i call them up and talk to them every now and again so at leas we are having some interaction... i know how important it is... plus they can come up and watch tv in my room too and they know that... they are playing their computers right now though... they love those games that haveto do with war... they have to make the armies and battle and stuff... gess that comes with having an army dad!

actually sort of frustrated she didnt have the info for me... not her fault she didnt know i needed it - duh... but i just finally got the nerve up to call so now im frustrated... its my own fault... oh well...

im getting so irritate with his internet too! it keeps disconnecting! that is totally stressful and triggering for me! i hate it! i am on here trying to blog or taking with a friend and it disconnects! i get irritated and immediately i go to the kitchen! grrrrr! well NOT TODAY! i dont care how many times it disconnects me  im not caving in! i think its mia playing her fucking head games with me and i refuse to let her win!

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN U CAVE IN!

THUNDER-THIGHS AND BIG ASS!

well it is now 8pm...

i made anoter day of fasting... yay! it has been one hell of a struggle and right now i still want to bp but im not going too... ive always had this thing about eating after 430pm so idky i am even craving right now... im just drinking some sugar free lemonade and chatting online with a friend... having an online friend really helps me not cave in... especially when i make myself accountable with her...it also helps keep my mind from needing to wander off onwhen i can bp next...

so i have this headache trying to impose upon me, in addition that tightness is back in my chest and i feel like there are bricks just being piled higher and higher... i hate this feeling... it is such a trigger for me... i know if i bp it will go away... i also know though, that if i dont cave eventually it WILL go away - i just have tos tay strong... ugh it is just so hard...

another issue im having is i keep thinking about olive garden... grrrr... i want to bp there on soup and salad... im worried about going to the gymn tomorrow because it is right across the street... idk if i can be strong enough to not cave... i hope i can... i may skip the am zumba to make sure... idk we will see... besides i have to wait for my mom to call and give me the info i need to do my assignment... hope i get it in time otherwise it will be late - thats a 10% penatly per day... plus any points i may lose anyway.... ugh - oh well... procrastination - it has bitten my ass hard tonight! OUCH!

I MUST REMEMBER THIS!!!

so now it is 1015pm...

and i cant believe i am so wired and awake! i didnt even take the last dose of oep... by the time i realized - it was already too late... my goal was to go to bed EARLY so i didnt have to deal with life for a while... unfortunately bipolar disorder has a different idea... it says hmmm wanna play games huh? ill show u games! lets let mia fuck ur mind for a while - see how  like it! well shit! y cant it just be ana! i get the 'highs' from not eating just as i do from b/p y dos it matter! im in a really snappy mood and my lower back hurts... it doesnt help matters... my son is in here sleeping and i think i might have to get off soon - the light seems to be bothering him... grrrr i hope when i do ill be strong enought to not cave... normally not a night binger so this is getting rediculous... my therapist told me before that the body will go into auto mode if it gets hungry enough - thats what makes us binge... thats when we have no cotrol and we cant do anything about it - its nature... well FUCK NATURE THEN! i dont want to eat - i dont want to binge and i dont want to purge! im so tired of everything and anything food related! i wish it would all just go away! i dont get y i need to eat anyway - its a waste of time and money...