430pm...
so yesterday i was not able to get back online after the internet went down at 430pm! i was working on my assignment got it done and still no internet! great - how on earth am i going to submit this! i was so triggered i ended up bp f*ck mia - why des she always have to be there when thing are rough... oh well i suppose its beter than the alternative - getting fat!i would much rather live holding mia's hand than be fat - nope not gonna be fat again!
so now it is tuesday.... the day started fairly well although i was super groggy and really just wanted to sleep the day away.. grr cant - have to take care of the boys and get them off to school... 650 and i get them on the bus, return home and go back to bed... i set the alarm for 830 so i could get showered and dressed and to the hospital in time for my dr visit... damn - i hate going to the dr! the alarm goes off and i just wanna hit that snooze but i dont... instead i roll out of the bed and make my way to the bathroom to shower - hopefully it wakes me up...i undress first and weigh - 115.8lbs yay! finally going down... uh-oh better water log though idk what the dr will do if it is that low again... i get in the steaming water and wash my hair and condition and then wash up... oh what the hell - i decide to sit down for a few - im so exhausted... i finally get out and rush to get dressed in time and drive to the hospital - good thing it is like 5 min from my house to their office... i check in and then the waiting... grrr i hate this part it always sets my nerves to wreck!
finally! the nurse calls me back to do vitals... my dr comes in to talk to the nurse about another patient and oh boy did i get a look! man she must know ive lost and water logged! crap! the nurse does the blood pressure and temp then hands me the gown and leaves... man i am really nervous what this scale will say! i undress and stand on the scale - 117...good... i put the gown on and open the door so the nurse can come weigh me.. 117.8 with gown - 117 without i tell her... i dont let them weigh me without the gown but i will before they gown weigh and tell what it says... so far so good they dont know i have water logged today...
i quickly change and then i am led to the room and i sit and wait... about 7-10min later my dr comes in and says so whats going on? whas going on? i wanted to scream at her! im here because she has me recommended for inpatient and it is one of the only ways to keep my fat ass out! grrrr! she says great protein came up, still very anemic, supplements have the potassium and magnesium up... u r at very high risk for seuzure and heart attack or cardiac arrest... u r putting ur kids at risk...(damn always gotta dd the guilt trips!) lets look at the weight... uve dropped 4lbs... not supposed to be going down (yeah right!)... r u still b/p? how many times a day? a week? blah blah... grrr... im thinking will this ever end?
i ask when will u lift the recommendation? my labs r better... she says the labs are better for now because i reduced the purging and they are supplementing... when my weight goes up, labs are good and im off supplements she will lift the recommendation! grrr... what if i do everything but gain the weight? oh u will gain - u have too... ur body cant function right at this weight this is proof in the labs... thats y they are so bad right now... ur behaviors and ur weight... NO! i am NOT gaining it back! im going to lose more - i dont care - she wont know till i go back in a little over a month anyway...ill get off the supplements - i only take them right before my labs anyway... and i will stop the b/p... ill show her my weight can be lower and not have those behaviors! i refuse to get fat again! so i left from my appt after having explained a lot of stuff to me to include y my cycle was only 2 days - my weight is affecting it - duh - i already knew this but w/e... let her explain anyway to make her feel useful i guess...
i made my way down to my case managers office and talked to her for a bit... she was all like r u ready to look for a new therapist now? one that Diane recommended? i said no. im not going to another one. i either go back to her or im not going - period. i dont care - im not starting over. im sick of starting over and being given up on. so screw em all - ill be alone and not deal with my shit... i dont care... better to just stuff it all away anyway - dont deal with it i didnt happen and doesnt matter - right?
i left and dove straight to golden coral and b/p... i left from there to the dollartree where i got some cookies and some magnesium citrate lax... then i came home... i was so exhausted - i really wanted to nap... but hubby was online waiting for me so i got online instead...
the tiredness is finally starting to wear off... good - the boys r home from school now... i need to bp - so i do on ramen with a roll... ugh i am so full time to empty... all done - wtf? why is my weight so high now? idk - it has to be all the liquid ive had - all that water logging! im sure it will go down but just in case i get some water pills... i cant let this weight come back... i worked to hard to get rid of it!
645pm...
well it has been one hell of a day.. i managed to bp again on te rest of the ramen i had made with some peanuts and honey... then i made spaghetti for the boys - i had a big bowl full of the noodles with some garlic salt and butter on it... then purged... im drinking my dieters tea now, took some metabolift and next is the 2 lax... i am going to make this weight come off - and be off for good! tomorrow is the zumba in the evening - i hope i will have the energy t go i really need to and want too...i wish we could go to the MA classes- i just dont have the extra $ right now for the new Do Boks... if we could use our old ones would have been cool... oh well... thats $100 i gotta come up with so will just have to wait...
grrr - i am so flipping dizzy right now... im sure it is from the purgin... idk y - my weight has gone up from the bp and stuff today - totally NOT happy... this regemin tonight should bet me back down and i am planning to fast with a group of other women... hopefully we all stay strong! i will have to find something to do with myself to keep me from bp -even if all i do is take silly online quizzes and surveys all day - i dont care so long as i am able to stop eating and not bp!
so here goes for tonight - my tea is gone, im ready to get the lax - they should be cold by now...
1 comments:
Rough day for us both. Tomorrow will be different. Hang in there and lol on the fat pics reverse thinspro made me drop the fork!
Post a Comment