exhaustion... more than just vitamin deficiency?

645pm 04 Nov, 2011
MOOD: smug? not really sure...

hmm im not really sure what im feeling but smug seems to fit the profile for now... what do i mean by this? well i was able to successfully avoid dinner however i did have another binge and purge before hubby got home for dinner... i ate some cereal with organic soy milk and a bagel with cream cheese... i purged and i was exhausted - hence my title... now there is an explanation that i will further detail next...

in session today i was talking about how i feel like im not anywhere near as bad as i was before and how i really dont feel i am in any danger or really that this is a problem - minus the purging... well my therapist (T) was saying that i am in danger and that just like then my body is starting to shut down... she said it will be small things and she was naming things... she said how i am always cold - freezing is the proper name i should say... and how it takes me forever to warmup is because my body is sending the blood to the core of my body to keep it going versus completely shutting down... the exhaustion is a sign of my heart struggling to keep up and thats why i have been and keep being so tired... i always just blame it on my iron deficiency and other vitamins... idk - i know she wouldnt lie to me and she wouldnt put me on but i still dont know how to feel what i know...

like i said above i managed to avoid dinner again... i baked chicken which i removed the skin and then sprinkled creole on it and sprayed with joy with flour cooking spray over it and baked it a little longer to make it sort of crunchy... next i made baked potatoes and some mixed veggies... a nice strong healthy meal for the fam... the baked chicken was 2 whole chickens which were $6 and we will get about 4 meals out of it... the dinner tonight, the lunch tomorrow and another dinner which i am making a soup like gnocchi but using potatoes rather than gnocchi... i am sure there will be some left after that for me to make omlets with chicken in it... anyway - not bad for $6 it was 65c a lb... really cant beat that price...

i still have not yet faxed my school papers in - yikes need to get that done! also need to fax my sons papers as they have to be there before the surgery friday... they have no school tues or friday...

sort of had a 'talk' with hubby via text... i told him i am really trying to do better... that i havent lost further weight and that my labs came back good... he said well u can manipulate labs... i know this but i still said i didnt and that i didnt want false info in my records hence the gown weights and always the first am apt available... he said everything must be in his head then... if he wasnt always so judgemental maybe telling him and sharing everything would be easier... i even told him it is really hard to maintain this weight or any for that matter when what i see i dislike to a point of hate... but that i am trying for him and the boys... he let it go after that... so i guess i sort of covered my goal - but i still have time to talk more with him if i get the backbone to do so!

tonight i would really like to do 2 things... i wanted to drink - i didnt know we didnt have any vodka left - guess hubby finished it and i didnt know grrr.... oh well still dont know how much i am 'allowed' anyway... that was another goal for Nov... i had to ask my dr what is the amount i am 'allowed' to have... that and also ask for a referral for my foot... i think im going to have to have that surgery whether i want to or not... ugh... so i did email my CM and ask her if she would email the information to the dr for me since that usually gets a much faster response... she did so now just waiting for the response - probably get that monday morning.... the 2nd thing i really REALLY want to do is cut... i am craving that silver kiss so badly right now... i just want to feel the sting as it embraces my skin and the seeping of the warm dropplettes of blood to the surface... idk if i will or not... i guess we will see... i had to contract with my T this am that i wouldnt... but im not even sure i can keep that contract...

so today - 2x bp and it is 7pm now... i dont feel like eating anything and i really dont feel like purging either...i think this a good thing... tomorrow im not sure what the day will entail... maybe sleeping in late (ya right!) and then cleaning... i really need to do a deep clean of the home as i have fallen behind lately with my lack of energy...

today i deff had more energy as i did yesterday - i know it was and is because i took my meds... im hoping tomorrow i wont have such an issue taking my meds.. i know i need them... why is it so hard to get myself to take them? i already know the answer i am just trying to ignore it - i know its ed... see i know if i take the meds - i wont be able to bp at least not right when i get up and then later if i bp i will really have to think about it... if i think about it it makes me more guilty for doing it but i still do it anyway - sometimes... so if i dont take them - i can come down and bp and not feel guilt or worry about purging my meds... also if i eat then noone says anything to me and i can purge... sometimes i do that and take the meds after but i am trying to just take the meds first thing in the morning so i dont bp at all... this is my goal... not someone elses goal - not a goal from my T - this is something i am doing on my own... however, if i miss my meds 1x more she said she will make sure my husband is the one who has to administer my meds - no thanx!

so what is the point of this picture? well this is how i feel.. i feel like ed (the devil side) is one side and the other (angel side) is the fighting side trying to get into recovery... not taking my meds is the ed side winning and when i take them - that is the recovery side winning... i have to remember to stay on the side of recovery...

i was going to add my pic from halloween on here but i guess i didnt send it to my computer yet... once i do i will crop it so my face isnt there and then i will post... its not the best picture and i dont look so great seeing as i didnt fit the costume - it was too big yet i still look too fat in it... this contradiction is so confusing!

i know i have said i wouldnt lose anymore weight purposefully but i would love to drop another 12 or so???... my mind tells me i will be quite happy with that but then i thought once i got to where i am now i would be happy and im deff not... i deff feel too huge and disgusting - i honestly dont feel like the weight i am now is even right... like the scales are giving me a number but really it is much more... i KNOW thats not the case - how can the dr scale read the same as mine? it wouldnt work that way... i think i want to start a new blanket for my middle son... he is the only one i still need to make for... i just dont know what yarn i want to use yet... i guess i will figure that out in a bit...

oh for those who want to do some surveys online - i somehow got referred to this one called arbitron and so far just this month for agreeing to do the radio survey they have already sent me CASH payment of $17 and once we submit the little radio diaries - they will send me $10 for each one returned! thats another $50! i really like this company... i did another with them and i was paid $7 cash for answering 10 questions online... the cash arrived in the mail less than a week later... so for those who need something even if it isnt much - you might look into this!

thanksgiving is quickly coming upon us... i know i will be baking a turkey and maybe even a ham... i make a cranberry salad which my boys like and also a green bean casserole with my own personal recipe and my family loves it - never have left overs of that! i also make home made from scratch pumpkin pie... i make it with splenda and a graham cracker crust so the cals for the entire pie is 460! it is way more healthy and seeing as i know all the ingredients are healthy - my hubby and i have no issues with the boys wanting to eat for breakfast or a snack! i also think im going to make (well try to cuz i never have before!) a gravy and maybe some corn on the cob - deff some deviled eggs and potatoe salad... i want to also do some sort of fruit and veggie tray for the day so they can snack on that until the main meal is done... my boys and i do NOT like sweet potatoes or yams - so that is not something i will be making unless hubby asks... what other things are good for thanksgiving dinner? i think it will be the 5 of us and i am planning to find my way free of eating and i think i can through cooking it all... but id like to make a nice spread and have lots of left overs for the family...

guess im gonna go...





the wheels in my mind go round and round...

545 am Friday 04 nov, 2011 MOOD: disgusted, feels extremely morbidly obese, challenged...

what does the title mean? well ive neglected to take meds since like tuesday until yesterday... in fact i cant remember right now if i took them monday or not... yesterday i woke at 630am and went to weigh as im on the scale i pick up the meds which i was supposed to take tuesday still sitting on my meds box, and swallowed them down.. at least i had them now.. i only hope they work... im not sure why im having such a horrible struggle with getting myself to take the meds... i know they help - i think it is the disorder maybe self sabotaging me and i have to resist - so this morning i have already taken them... i didnt let myself think i just did it...
when i dont take the meds its like i have a free roam to just bp as much or as little as i want... surprisingly this past few days after not taking them i was still able to control and keep the bp to 3-4x each day... yesterday i took the meds and bp was 2x...and the 2nd one i really thought about before i did it... i ran errands and got some stuff done while debating if i really needed/wanted to do it... i even chatted via text with my friend from ANAD for a bit to help keep me from doing it... eventually i just couldnt fight any further and i gave in... then i made burgers for dinner and i decided im not eating this - i didnt want to purge again... my husband was not happy... he started in on me about his ability to count all the bones in my back without pushing down the shirt because they are just there... he said my hands dont lie when i wrap them around you and around your waste... i just tried o change the conversation and kept abut what i was doing... then he was like want me to prepare your bun for you? i had already said i wasnt eating and he was still pushing - i didnt cave though... i got everything done in the kitchen, all clean after dinner then went to the blanket which i am finishing the trim today and it is finally finished!
wednesday is sort of a blur for me? im not sure but i dont remember too much except getting up fairly late after a bp in the morning... then i went to shower and just couldnt hardly stay awake so i lay down and slept till like 130ish...i knew i was exhausted and purging - well, just makes it worse... so then i went to kenner and saw cm, then i headed down to the records area to show them my sons new id and finally i finished at the tricare center getting info on how to change my boys' dr... i left from there and was supposed to go to the sams and such but i was so exhausted... i went anyway to walmart, target and sams then finally home...
i bought 2 nice sweaters at walmart but once i got home decided i would be taking them back - they were not very thick and i need something to keep me warm not just be cute! so i got all the foods put away and so far had been without majpr bp - i had 1x in the am and then again while i was out... i didnt want to anymore but i had to still make dinner... so i did and i caved... later i caved again and had a bowl of cereal with some toast... so wednesday ended with 4x... this is all i remember of wednesday - dont even remember what the bp was just remember that it was 4x...
then yesterday when i got up i was determined i wasnt going to bp all day... i had to get this shit controlled... well i took the meds at 630am... boys on the bus i went back to sleep for a bit... i woke and then it hit - the craving and i knew my meds had already absorbed so i bp... i showered and laydown exhausted and slept until noon! when i wkoke i was highly triggered and i wanted to purge - i wanted the feeling of numb... i quickly dressed and texted my hubby - no not getting a lunch break today so i left... i headed first to staples, then walmart, goodwill... i was still wanting to purge and i finally just said fuck it and i did... i had golden coral... then i headed home - i felt numb and also the voices had quwelled once i purged... i felt a peace for a few minutes...

i got home it was already almost 4pm... i pulled all my new sweaters out and washed them and then i put them away... im so glad they all fit! i was worried because they look so small and i thought they were going to be too small but i didnt feel like trying them on at goodwill - i knew that would trigger me more...

after i finished with the sweaters i came to my room and started updating my notebooks and finished my goals for this month... it was 537pm and i realized i still hadnt even cooked the dinner yet! i closed everything up and ran downstairs, hooked up the indoor grill and started throwing the stuff together, slicing and cutting as quickly as i could - but hubby came home and the first burgers were still on the grill... grrr... oh well - means when it was done he would still get a hot meal not one he had to reheat.... i finished cooking and then everyone was done eating so i cleaned up then went to work on the blanket... it is nearly done im finishing the trim today and then my son can have it to sleep with - he was so happy about that lastnight! i will start another today for my middle son...

as ive said ive taken my meds already today, have session at 10am so i plan to head to the whole foods, farmers market and then martins before i go... then i will come home... im not planning to have anything today except my tea i made to bring with me... i really want to just clean this system of mine out and try to kick BN once and for all...
at ANAD on tuesday there was a question asked to me by D... the moderator... she asked if i want the team to step in - to take over have the control and i told her no... i dont... i really dont... even now as im typing this i can honestly say i dont...but there is a part of me that feels like if they dont - im not going to be able to stop... even with their support im not doing a great job - in fact ive been epically failing for the most part... i may not want it but im also afraid itmay just have to happen and it really scares me..
i made my goals and one i have that i decided on is going to be a very challenging one for me... i have decided somehow to fill my husband in (to an extent) on the ANAD and what exactly it is for and why im going... im also trying to figure out a way to tell him about the purging etc... and just ask him to be here for me and not keep pushing... when he does it just makes me feel like i am obligated to eat which means i have to purge... i need to be able to eat without the purging and when im feeling badgered pr pushed into eating - the purging must follow... i want to make my meal plans and find a way to get myself to follow them... i did it before - i was able to safely eat some foods but only managed 13 days before i went back to BN... 13 days though! i cant even seem to make it through one now so i willbe even happy with one day then two then three and keep adding... eventually i know i can be BN free...

heres something else... i was talking to a friend online and text when i realized something... i am very very happy to give up BN - i dont want it in my life andymore... but when it comes to AN as much as i know it is unsafe and unhealthy - im not so sure that everyday im 100% wanting to get it out of my life... i feel secure with it - like i know im not blowing up and my clothes will still fit later that night... and other days i really wish i could get rid of all of it...first things firts though - one thing at a time and im tackling BN first... it is the worst. it is nasty, gross, smelly, dangerous and well im sick of wasting food and money to be honest... so ya - BN is first then i will take the next steps in this journey called recovery...

620am now, i guess i am off... need to get sox and shoes still and finish helping the boys get ready for school... hubby said he would be home for breakfast and i said id make him something... he had to get up at 1112pm because some dumb soldier went and got himself in trouble and was at the MP station waiting to be picked up... he didnt get home umntil 223am and then had to get up at 450am for work... i know he is exhausted and i feel so bad for him... he has a very long day today too and will be working very late... i plan to be here at least at lunch to see him because neither of us knows what time his mandatory function will be ending...
650 am MOOD: sour, frustrated, anxious, irritated
i guess you can tell my mood has quickly gone south for the morning... yep thats what happens when i dont take meds like im supposed to for a few days - i either cycle or start to... i hate this - but its my own fault...
so my husband ccame home and i made him breakfast... wearing one of my new tops which i really like... i have with my newer black pants as well and  i asked if he thought it looked ok... not whether he liked it because thats a trap for him and i know that now... he proceeds to grab the waist of the pants and yank them up high and i yelled at him - dam! i yelled... wtf he think im Urkle or something! i dont wear my clothes to my dam chest thanx! not only that but hello - thats how pants are made these days!...

so he then has an attitude and grabs all his things nd comes to give me a kiss - straight faced as hell he says im leaving... u know why im mad... then he says i hate seeing u like this - i know u say and hold to ur ground with what u say but i know my eyes dont lie... then i asked if he would be here for lunch - he says idk... then just leaves... ok so then fuck me... i was honest with him - i have NOT lost further since my last loss... it has been the same what a week? two now? i dont even know and its really frustrating me!
i want to lose more and more.. he doesnt know how hard it is for me to not just keep pushing to lose more... i would but i made a contract to not try to lose more - to try and maintain where i was... this is what im fighting to do right now - it hasnt gone lower at all... as much as i would love for it too -  am fighting myself to keep me from trying to lose more... im sorry he doesnt like to see me like this - i dont like to see me at all... im trying to change and do better - but im only able to go so fast and do so much! im scared to death of the food and the gain... i have no issue eating when im able to purge - thats not a problem... its if i am not able or not allowed - food petrifies me to the point i will and have in the past passed out...
the oddly funny thing is everyone says BN doesnt make you underweight or thin and you dont really lose weight from it... interesting i think seeing as i dont keep shit down and ive been losing... oh but wait! the day before yesterday i was at farmers foods (i think it was wed) anyway they had freshly cut sweet strawberries out for sampling and i took 1/4 of a small one and ate it.. i felt so guilty! i wanted to run into their bathroom and spit it out or eat something else so i could purge - but i didnt... so ehhh... ya it was only a piece but it was more than i normally would have done - especially with fruit, the sugars and carbs yikes! guess i need to go... boys are off to school and i want to leave before i decide to let this trigger from my husband get to me and i bp...numb would be so nice right now!

150pm MOOD: sour, triggered, failed to epic proportions...

so what does this mean? well i went to session and i really did intend on telling her about the cutting but i just could not get the courage to do so until like 5 min or so before session was over... well i guess at least i told her right? so the hard thing now is i dont have an apt next week because my sons surgery is scheduled the same date/time-ish... she put me on her cancellation list so if she gets someone who cancels she will call and offer me the spot... i dont want to sound cruel but i hope someone does because i dont think i can wait 2 weeks to go back then have thanksgiving the week after... this month is going to be one of the most challenging i think...

i feel like this battle is already lost... im not sure if i want to stay standing and continue to fight or not... like i told her today - im selfish in that i dont want to share my boys or my hubby with anyone else - thats what keeps me from completely giving up...

so as im leaving her office i am triggered - i was when i got there and i had been fighting it... i finished the blanket but i had nothing else to do and i just wanted to purge... im not sure why seeing as all it does is make me feel more gross and disgusting and huge... but i did feel that way and i had since i had gotten up... the conversation with hubby just had escalated those feelings and then session... i knew what i was getting into when i went today - i knew i was going to be challenging myself to make it through with all the voices and screaming i had in my head... i was able to explain some of it to my therapist - others well they just got louder and louder and i finally caved... i had bought some snack bars and i ate them as i drove home, then i had a burger and about 5 chips and purged... im done for today. im sickened by my body and my behviors and it disgusts me that i let BN win again today - but it was 1x so i am fighting for no more!

so hubby forgot his phone when he went back from lunch... i knew he would be coming to get it so i ate my food carefully where i could view the road if he drove up... i hid the food so he wouldnt see it if he did come before i had finished... well i saw him pull up so i closed the chips and began prepping the chickens to put in the oven... when he came in my phone had lit and it was a pic of someone showing how much weight she had lost... yes i know - im not supposed to look at that stuff but u know what? i need to try and see what these people look like at the weights they are and the heights... if i can see them as thin, tiny or skeletal - maybe it will let me see me that way? does that make sense? so i do not look thin to me at all... i look huge and like an enormous whale...i am 5'9" and about 46kg... so if i can find a pic of someone my height and same weight and see what i think of them - maybe i can start to see me that way too? idk - i guess i was just trying... anyway he says oh thats just great when he sees the pic... i said it was an email that i had opened and i didnt know what it was... honestly i thought i had closed out of the pic i was looking at because i didnt see what i needed anyway... the pics dont trigger me or enable or even encourage me... a lot of times i look just to see if i can see myself in them and so far i do not... but i rarely look anyway because i am trying to get better... if i keep looking at those - i will keep wanting to see me as i want to be and that isnt going to help me...

heres the thing - i honestly do not know what i want to see or what i want to be... i just want to find myself happy in this skin and not constantly wish i could climb out of it into someone else with a much better body... i dont think id want to like give up my life - i love my family - my hubby and boys so i wouldnt give them up - just a new body. one that is not fat, has no cellulite and idk - i just like,.. i guess i would need to know what that was though wouldnt i? so even now - how will i ever know what im really looking for if i dont know what i am really wanting...wow thats confusing to say the least!

ok - finished the blanket and my baby will be so excited when he comes home! i need to start the next one and read a book - those are 2 of my goals for the month of Nov. also i would like to go out and do something - like socialize with friends other than treatment oriented... ie with C to teach her to crochet... im not sure it will happen seeing as we are both not very social anymore - but we can try... i really REALLY need to get my school papers faxed - this is no joke! i cant keep waiting! i also need to get the app for michaels arts and crafts done and in so i can at least get seasonal hours... something to help really structure my time... even if it is only 2 months - it will be enough to help get me off the bp cycle and maybe just into restricting... i dont think my eating would go normal - it never has before but when i used to work many yrs ago i was able to eat 1x a day and most days keep it down... even if i can do that again it would be massive progress!

so tired... think i need a nap - dam purging really exhausts me... i have chicken in the oven baking... gonn try to make some type of chicken potatoe soup like gnocchi but with potatoes instead and see how it turns out... i think ill do that tomorrow... tonight will be chicken with baked potatoes and dinner rolls with maybe green beans or corn... something healthy and warm for such a dark, nasty, dreary day... off for now...

halloween bust...

1045am 01 Nov, 2011 MOOD: depressed, stressed, anxious, procrastinating

so let me see - halloween was not the best for me... i started off by having to take my middle son to the ortho specialist for a tumor on his left lower thigh... the specialist looked at his xrays from Aug and ones from even longer back than that and then came and checked his thigh... apparently the tumor has gotten way larger even since Aug so they have to remove it... he is doing the surgery next friday the 11th and then they are sending to biopsy... the specialist said most likely it should not be cancerous but because it keeps growing he is not sure... it started as a what looked like a gliche in an axray 4 yrs ago but was on his growth plate so they couldnt do anything... now look what has happened... so he is saying this and my son 14, is sitting there and suddenly gets very serious... we head out and we get into the van and he tells when i ask that he is very scared... the rest of the day - he released this fear through anxiety and total assinism - meaning he was totally being an ass... he got grounded at the end of the night when dad and i just said ok thats enough... we had talked to him, recognized his fears and quwelled them as best we could. now all we could do was be patient and wait for friday... i still expected him to be upset - i still am, but i also expect for him to behave - he knows how to vent appropriately... (like mother like son????)
anyway, then comes the ToT... we decided finally just to stick to our neighborhood and we got all dressed up... i was very frustrated when i finally found my 'lost' costume, a girls size XL = 16, and it was too big! i was supposed to be a queen vampire - well the costume made me look like i had a head and there was a straight shape down.... i found  belt to one of my old gowns that was red and black - perfect match and my husband tied it on me - much better now it gave me a waistline... maybe ill send the pic here later - im not sure yet...
my boys had to make their costume or use items they already had if they wanted a costume - i refused to buy any this year... my middle made a custume of a like half dead half live person? a character from his ps3 game assassins creed brotherhood... my youngest had an ACU (army camoflauged uniform) from last year that still fit so he wore that and his dad gave him his vest to wear which holds like the ammo mags and canteens and some artillary safety glasses... he tried to wear the cevlar(sp?) (hard had) but it was just too heavy after 10 min he took it off... my oldest wore his Greek costume from his school project last year and hubby wore his ACU's with a box that had a hole cut out the top and bottom... a paper on the front said 'free kittens' and when someone would look in he would do his screetchy cat meow and grab with his hand... my oldest then gave a treat from our candy bag we brought... he does it every year and my boys and him never get tired of it!

as we are walking... maybe 10min in - it starts to rain not drizzle anymore - but rain... grrrr... then it got worse... after 1 hr i couldnt take anymore and i said time to go in... i was so cold! i even had leather special fancy gloves and a black trench coat on and i was still frozen - my hands were still so cold that through his shirt my husband said my hands were freezing his skin off - yikes!

the day ended - i bp 3x... blah - i had my meds in my pocket but never took them - im not sure why... still now i havent again and i really am not sure why im not wanting to take them - i am taking them with me though and at the hospital when i go talk to cm - i will take with a water bottle...
so i think thats all for today - i am so exhausted... weight 102 and i am having some lightheadedness today... i had a few times already where i just had to stop what i was doing because something just didnt feel quite right... then it went away and i was good... idk i hope this shit doesnt keep going on...
have ANAD tonight, my chatting buddy wont be there and im sad... but i plan to wear funky sox and to take my crocheting... i need to finish this blanket!!! well off till later - tons to do and very very little time!

545pm MOOD: disusting, frustrated, angry feels like just being done...
so the day didnt quite work as planned and i never did take those meds... they are in the bathroom sitting on the med box hopefully i can get myself to take them tomorrow... the blanket didnt get done - ill work on it before ANAD... i dont feel like dealing with people tonight but im going to go anyway... some how i have to defete this fucking shit and if its one toe crawl at a time and ANAD is one of those crawls then i must go...
anyway - ill update tomorrow as this day needs to be done... ive got the dinner (leftovers) for everyone and i just plan to leave at 615 for the meeting then ill have plenty of free time to work on the blanket... its been so long since i have im not even sure i remember how!

with all seriousness... fml

1040am MOOD: numb

so let me start with saying i ended up journaling in my journal lastnight after i turned the laptop off... i had to empty myself more - i was over full and it was causing chaos and screaming that was so immense i could not even see straight let alone try to sort the thoughts! what ended up happening lastnight i am not proud of - but it happened and it was a relief and now well the consequences will be mine as they fall upon me...

what did happen? i ended up bp again so it was 3x rather than just 2.... add to that the behaviors i had that followed well - it was not a pleasant ending but it was an ending i could contiue to breathe in and make it till the morning... i cut... yep - not proud but let me add - it was such a relief! the stinging kiss of the silver blade upon my skin, the small droplettes of blood immediately seeping to the surface... the instant rush of numb... yep - it was what i needed yesterday and i fought as much and long as i could before i finally just did it... i wanted to get drunk to - but if i had the cutting may have even been worse... or i could potentially be either in the hospital or dead... neither which are good choices right now...

this morning i woke up and i just didnt want to get out of the bed... i just felt like hiding there all day - so i did until 1040 when i finally got dressed and came downstairs... the first thing i did was put the chicken and spinach in the crockpot with a can of chicken broth then came over and started on the laptop... im not tempted today to have anything... not yet anyway... i took my meds right before i came downstairs... im hoping today they will work as i forgot them again yesterday... i think the cutting has me numbed enough i dont feel like i want or need to bp... im sort of just well - doing what i have too... i plan to make one trip out then come back home and go back to my room... i want to work on my latch hook and maybe finally finish it (my oldest and i started it urs ago but we only do a bit then put it aside until we get around to it again)...

i also have a blanket i was crocheting for my youngest son - i started 2 Christmas's ago and almost finished it but put it in a bag and well - still havent had the motivation to work on it... i want to finish it and begin something new... maybe it will really help... i also did a 30 day free trial of netflix... i watched a movie before i went to bed lastnight called case 39 with Renee Zellweger - it was really good... it was even a little ghoulish!

i have many many books i want to work on either finishing or just read... most on the nook many in actual books on the shelf... either way - something to just fill my empty time and not allow the voices to begin their immense screams again - i can not handle it. not today.

so for now i bid adios and will be back later for a mood update an the events that have occurred since this post...

327pm MOOD: numb, unsure

well the day has dragged its lousy ass along and is finally starting to close in upon night - i am so ready to be done with this weekend! i have to honestly say i am looking forward to the ANAD this week and my session with my therapist... i feel so much better when i go and get shit off my shoulders - out of my head or out in the open... i also feel better when i see my therapist because she really pushes me to think... she doesnt just let me scape by on simplistic answers... she has me dig and although sometimes it may piss me off (thats the sick part talking!) and i really start to close up - she keeps her faith in me and that i can beat this dam eating disorder... i dont know how she has such faith in me - i myself have very little with all the failures ive had...
so im still really just very numb... i have a heavy feeling inside of me, one that feels like maybe a sadness or like a good cry is needed - but i dont actually feel anything - not sure that makes sense or not... anyway so i am making a chicken gnocchi for my family for dinner... now when im having those bp days - this is one of my favs! i created my own recipe from trying to figure out what is in the soup at Olive Garden as that is where ive had it and got addicted! now i have most of my family also hooked! i guess i did a decent job of figuring it out and then i make it from scratch - we rarely have leftovers and if there are - they get eaten for a snack or at breakfast and then there is no trace... im glad though - it is very healthy... yes i said healthy! i feed my family very healthy if i am able... i would prefer all organic and vegan but well the fam doesnt want to go vegan and organic i do my best but it is sooooo exspensive! so while i do a fairly shitty job at taking care of me - i like to at least think that i do better for my family...

so what i was saying anyway.... i went to make the soup as i said this am... i got the chicken nearly cooked and i added the gnocchi... after about an hr i added the carrots and onions along with some chopped garlic.... i went for my trip out to get my mag and some more papaya and when i came home i added the alfredo and cream of chicken soup... mixed it really well and it smells great! then i had to pull some spinach off the ladel as it got twisted in when i was mixing - i like freaked out! i flipped the water spicket on so fast and washed with like a handful of soap! i was terrified the food was going to absorb and get me or worse - i would binge... once it was all off and the ladel rinsed i went back to my laptop and continued what i was doing... i was on fb and i was chatting with a new friend i have - she is in S Africa... she does not have an ed but she is trying to lose weight and be healthy about it...so well i was helping her figure out the best way for her to go and i recommended some resource books... i will help anyone be healthy - i just cant condone helping someone get sick or sicker...
right now im feeling physically exhausted... ive had less than 28oz of green tea and thats it... i have not eaten and honestly although the gnocchi smells good - im not tempted and i dont plan to eat... i had massive stomach ache lastnight so im using that as my advantage today to get out of dinner... ill say im still full from lunch and that my stomach is still upset... wrong? perhaps but if it helps me get away from BN then i dont even care - it is so worth it for me!
although i am feeling numb i am still disgusted with my body and the weight i am currently maintaining... i want to lose so much more - at least 15lbs more... i know i cant but if i could - i think maybe i could be happy with my body... or at least could live in it without wanting to cut it to smitereens or slice all the skin off and climb out with my skeleton and some muscle... would look nasty but it would be better than i have now... just sayin...

i found a lot of movies on netflix that i have added to my instant que and i plan to start watching here soon... first i have to print these papers out for my sons ortho surgeon apt tomorrow... please keep him in your thoughts and prayers that he wont need surgery... if he does - it will limit his mobility for probably the entire yr which could result in his loss of being in jrotc - it will break his heart bcuz he has worked so hard to be in the program... if he has to give it up - it will kill me to see his heart break like that and i dont think either he or i can handle that right now...

so in my mail the other day i get 2 envelopes from Remuda Ranch... i thought they were the certificates for the webinar trainings i did... well my youngest son comes to my room carrying the mail and asks "mommy do you have an eating disorder?" i didnt speak for a few seconds - it was out of no where and caught me by surprise... then i said "why would you think that?" he says "well i got the mail and there are 2 letters from Remuda Ranch for eating disorders." i thought quickly and said no hunny those are from when i took the online trainings - they sent me information... he was like ok and ran outside... whew! i narrowly escaped that one! there was no way i was telling him not right now - he is too young. maybe when they are adults and thinking of having families i will tell them - its not fair they dont know the risk of it in their family line... but right now - they are kids and they dont need the added stress, worry or fears... its bad enough their father is deploying again in May... they all get very stressed out now when he goes away and seeing as they are all tweens or teens - this time will be a huge challenge for the 3 of them and me...
i was 14 by 1/2 a month when i moved out of my moms house and into a shelter care - temp foster home which was like a half way house until a foster family could be found... there were 8 girls and 8 boys there all the time. it was while i was here that i got even more deep into the eating disorder and knew i was developing a problem but i didnt care... i went days with only having 1/2c oj and 1/2c skim milk... i would workout for hours and weigh whenever i could get to a place with a scale... at the pool i didnt goof with the rest of the group - i did laps and weights... well one of the caregivers caught me weighing a few times and began to watch over me more carefully... suddenly i was put on a meal plan and i had to eat everything on it or they would send me to a hospital... scared to death i had heard about making oneself vomit so i decided to try it... let me say at first it was really hard and it pissed me off so bad to have to do it... it didnt matter - i was caught... then i was not only on this dam meal plan but also i was not allowed in the bedroom or bathroom for 1hr after each meal/snack... i started exercising in the main room - i didnt care they werent stopping me... but they did... and after the hr i would go try to vomit anyway and it worked but it was hard, nasty and not good enough... then soomething happened... one of the new girls was BN... she showed me how to purge without fingers or anything - and i was set!
i would vomit anytime i wouldhave anything - even the milk and juice now because i didnt want those cals either if they were making me eat... then something scarey - i was vomitting blood! omg i was 14 and scared to death - so i told a staff member... they called me into the office and put me on 3 hr restriction and said i had to eat everything and if they didnt think it was enough i could not exercise... shit! i felt trapped and it didnt quell my fear of the blood when i vomited! it didnt matter - i would sneak and purge anyway... had to get it all out... i got caught again and they put me on 24hr watch - i was not allowed in the bedroom or bathroom without staff supervising... they would stand outside the bathroom door leaving it closed but unlatched while i used the bathroom and while i bathed... i was so pissed! i finally had had enough - i pulled myself under the water and held my breath - i wanted to die...was hoping to suffocate or inhale water and drown... the staff thought i was taking too long and peeked in and found me - passed out in the tub... so that didnt go as planned either!

when i was finally in foster care - the foster mom said she knew of my problem and i needed help... i denied the problem and went a bold step further to say if u dont believe me - put me in the hospital and ill prove it! wow - MISTAKE! the next day i was checked in and stayed 2 weeks for observation and to determine how bad this ed was... they sent a letter to my father and he said i didnt need the treatment... he was getting custody of me and i was just 'going through a phase' and once i moved in with him i would be 100% better - thanx dad...

so living with him was hell as it had been with my mother and her drnken abusive husband... his wife was horribly abusive to my step brothers, my father and she did drugs and i would hide in my room when i was there or be at work - i wanted nothing to do with them so i didnt... my grades were always very high and although miserable i still held fast to my goal of becoming a therapist like the one i had been seeing who had helped me get into the foster care... i honestly wanted to be just like her - i wanted to help children...

in school i took a dance class - i absolutely LOVED it! it was the reason for my mere existence at the time... i would go before school, during lunch, and after if there was a way for me to get home... if not then i would go to work... i also signed up and took extra classes for tap at the rec center... it made me feel like there was nothing else in the world and i could let myself be free with the music... i worried what others thought of me and often asked for honest answers regarding my moves etc... i hid under bulky sweaters and loose sweats so i could feel comfortable moving... when i danced - i was in heaven... then shit hit the fan... my teacher caught me purging my breakfast one morning before school - an apple... she said she wouldnt tell my father if i agreed to counseling with the school counselor and the group that met at lunch weekly so i agreed... well that was a lie... when i got home then my father came home he came to my room to 'talk' shit! yep the school had called, yes he knew her cooking was not so great but if i didnt like it - just dont eat... what! yes! he gave me full on permission to just not eat... i managed to reduce myself to 112lbs and i could never get smaller - i was dancing too much and it was all muscle... i hated the way i looked and i just wanted to be tiny and thin - i would never be though would i?

so there you go thats a short version of some of my history with my ed... i can honestly say that although i was aware of restricting or not eating from age 5, it was not until i was 14 that i was fully able to take the hand that was offered and hold on tight... now - well im wishing i wouldnt have held so strongly...

well it is now 4pm... i told hubby dinner is ready whenever they all wanted to eat... i also said my stomach is hurting and i had a bagel for lunch so im not having dinner... feel like shit for lieing - but right now i have to... ive got to break the binds between me and BN... time for my movie and maybe a nap? ttfn

745pm MOOD: fml

ok so the idea of a zero went out the window when my husband served me a bowl to eat at 630... grrr.... so ya then i ate some animal crackers and purged.... so pissed! why can i not just say no and it be fine! well fuck big deal then... tomorrow he has a hectic schedule and im not eating ill be busy all day... so i guess the only plus? it was only 1x and it was fairly small...

when does failure become not an option?

920am MOOD: morbidly obese, disgusting, huge, fat, depressed and dark

well i really dont have much to put here - im really not in a place to talk... will be back later.

140pm MOOD: i still feel morbidly obese and disgustingm huge, amd fat. i am feeling down and depressed - i match the weather for today...

today i am freezing again - i really hate this weather... today being saturday was a day we all were able to sleep in and we did - i was up at 8am but didnt get out the bed until 920 when i heard the garage door shut... i knew it was my son an he hadnt had his eye drops yet...

so hollared downand he came in and got his drops... i proceeded to discuss wih myself whether i was going to eat or not... i wanted to but i also didnt because i was afraid i would purge... finally at 10am i decided to eat some bake potatoes - not bad but then i added cheese and that was too much... i also had a bagel and then i purged and also scrybbed te entire bathroom as a punishment for failing again...

so my weight is still the same and i know it cant go down as that was my agreement - i cant try to make it go down but it is really triggering me and very frustating... i wanted it to just keep going down... i dont want it to stay here and i def dont want it to go up! i am petrified of even a few oz gain so that isnt happening...
ive really been struggling with a need to cut... i have the tools i just need an opportunity and i think i will do it... i dont know that i would be able to resist or to fight... as for the alcohol - ive really wanted to get drunk but have been too afraid to have any... i havent for 3 weeks now... not because im afraid of the drunk part - because im afraid of gaining weight as a result... its weird though because i normally dont eat most the day maybe bp at dinner when i drink... then i get so drunk i vomit everything everywhere and dont remember the night when i wake in the morning... im also a few lbs lighter - usually... one would think then that drinking would be a positive thing right now... a way to lose without really trying but its not... im scared of anything with calories... ANYTHING.

this morning when i was trying to decide what to eat - it took me 20 min to finally decide on potatoes... i stood there opening and closing the fridge door and looking in the same cabinets over and over and walking to the couch and back to the kitchen before i finally decided... i really hate this... i wish it was not so hard! i wish something was safe but right now - im lucky i can allow myself to have green tea mints... i guess i know they are sugar free and for my health really so it is ok to have them 1x a day... everything else is just not allowed...i cant even allow myself coffee if i need cramer... and the lemonade (10cals per pack) well i had one already made from lastnight and was half gone - i dumped it in the sink so i could use it for my tea instead... im really losing this side of the battle...

i feel like i am becoming more and more afraid of foods and calories... i am washing my hands more to keep anything from staying with me... i shower if i eat because i need to be cleaned not only inside but also outside... i weigh before i purge and after, before i shower and after... i weigh if i get up at night to use the bathroom and if i cant weigh - i wait to use the bathroom until i can...

i know some of my thoughts are very illogical yet for me they seem like the only truths... like when i asked my therapist a question about some photos i have... these photos are of me back in 2004 with some friends... i asked her to tell me honestly whether i look better and healthier in the photos or now... heres the thing i really thought she would say now... im not nearly like i was when i was sick back then... i mean im not doing the massive lax every day (120 per day - talk about sick and dehydration!)... i feel this takes a lot of the risk away and makes me healthier... i also am not purging like i was then - like 24x PLUS a day - that was aweful... but she didnt... she said i look better in the photo - healthier...

i look at those pictures and i think wow - i look kind of smallish there and i sort of like how i look in them... i know at the time i was disgusted and i hated the way i looked because i looked so huge... but right now i feel like i look even more huge than i did in the photos... well im not... im about 20-25lbs less now than i was in those... they were during my first treatment program... that was an iop program - meaning we werethere from 7am -630pm and then the nights we were able to go home if we lived near or we had a room which the program owned and we paid to stay in - thats what i had to do... the problem with it was that i was self-sabotaging myself by going across and walking the 2mles or so in the ice and snow to get lax... and i was sneaking to the gym inside the building at night to workout some of those cals they were forcing me to ingest...

again when i look at those pictures i see my friend and i thik wow she is sooooo tiny and im so jealous... i want to be as small as her... the thing is - in those pictures.. what she weighs in those - i weigh now... my therapist sys that makes me actually smaller than the friend then because she is like 6" shorter than me... but i dont see it - i see someone taller and i look fatter and bigger all around... i hate it...

so i was reading some posts on my fb too... one by Erica Rivera - she wrote the ED book "Insatiable" EXCELLENT book! anyway she was doing a live presntation to some school a few days ago and one of her topics was "too thin for a size 0" wow i wish i could have heard that lecture... i dont barely fit my girls 16 now... they are loose and saggy and im having to wear a belt...

im frustrated with a lot of things... the weight loss has caused for my wedding bands to be super big... a few days ago i was folding my laundry and they fell off - scared the shit out of me! everything i do i have to check that they are still there - i am so scared to lose them... we have been married 18yrs - thats a long time and ive never taken them off except when i was giving birth to my children - they were back on 2 days later every time...
some things i like about the weight loss though are like i can actually see my hipbones when i look down... i cant in the mirrors or if i take a picture - but i can when just looking down and that makes me feel a little less huge sometimes... i love how the loss has actually caused me to lose shoe sizes even! all my shoes make me feel like my feet are swimming! the last few pairs ive gotten are about 1.5-2 sizes smaller! weird! i didnt expect to lose shoe sizes by losing weight...

so it is now 2pm and im feeling just tired... i didnt take my meds today - shit! well ill just have to be strong... i wan to take a nap i think but im waiting for the mail... after it comes i may nap i may not... im going to resist bp if i can...

oh lastnight i didnt escape dinner either (fml) i ended up eating the hm pizzas and purging... but it was only a 2nd time which even though not a 0 as i had wanted ill take a 2 over a 3 or more anyday...

so i think im going to go for now... ill try to get back on here later and update the rest of the day...

643pm MOOD: disgusted , epically failed, running low on hope and fight...

yep the day is ending fairly poorly... to be honest - im debating the vodka in the mini fridge... just to escape... idk im really having a hard time today... the bp has been 3x and im realy triggered right now... i not only feel like having a shit ton of vodka but also like cutting the piss out of myself and bp until i pass out... ya im in that kind of shitty mood and feel totally like a shitbag...

we talked in session about why i hate myself... well i know one thing i hate is that i am constantly failing and lieing to myself... i hate thinking that well possibly knowing that i can not do this... i can not beat this eating disorder and i keep thinking maybe ishould just give up... if i do - it would be fast i think for an end... i mean i could easily shed more weight if i was trying and if im really at such a high risk right now because of my weight then im sure that wouldnt help...once it was over itd be done... i wouldnt know because i wold no longer be around... thats another thing i hate myself for... for wanting to give up - im not a quitter. allowing myself to quit, to give up leads to further failure which just makes for further reason to despise and hate myself and not want to exist... its a viscious circle i am in...

i also really hate the fact i am not successful the way i want to be; i hate that i do not know what that success even is? i hate that i have a wonderful husband who loves me and has put up with me for 18yrs, 3 wonderful loving children who i would never give up willingly or trade for anything and yet im not happy. they should make me happy. i love them with every oz of this pthetic body but im not happy because i hate me so much. it makes me feel like crying... my eyes are trying to swell with tears but i push them back - i have no right or reason to cry... feeling sorry for myself is no reason to shed tears... i feel very sad, disgusted and ashamed of who i am and the issues i have, the past ive lived through, the experiences ive had... i know i cant change those and i dont want to think about them... ignoring them works for a while... finding blame really doesnt do much for me seeing as i feel the blunt of the blame to fall upon my own shoulders... after all fool me once shame on u fool me twice shame on me... so then... should not and would not the blame and guilt be mine? i really do not know...

i can honestly say that although i know my therapist would not toy with me or lie to me, i really honestly do not know how to not hate myself or that i even ever will not... i would honestly settle for being able to just be cofortable in this body even if i still dislike it at least it isnt hate...
so as you can see - today is a very dreery day... my hope has really dwindled and i feel like such a waste of existence... im having a lot of thoughts which i have some plans for and perhaps might even act upon... i have the time, opportunity and energy so why not do it? idk... i will just try to keep making myself take one breath at a time and hope the day finishes quickly without incident - but i apologize that i can not promise or guarantee it.

why do i let the triggers get to me?!

MOOD: discouraged, frustrated , losing hope
28 Oct, 2011 (friday)

so i had session today and as per the norm im a blabber mouth... i swear i always tell on myself even when i dont want too! i guess that could be the side of me that truly wants recovery-good kick some AN/BN ass!

anyway so at session we discuss this past weeks documentation of my moods... we break tings down and a new goal for Nov is made... i have to work on the thoughts i have and controlling them... secondly we made a goal of something else which right now i cant recall...

so as i was about to leave when i finally decided to ask if my cm had called yet and she said no... i decided to inform her of those weird feelings id been having... i was sort of freaking out to say anything but i figure its better to come from me than someone else... i dont want to look like im hiding stuff... she asked if i was having them today - which at that time no i wasnt and i felt fine... she said if it  keeps up i should be seen... idk about that one!  but i said ok and left for home... as im driving that nagging voice begins... u want to binge u need to purge...gorge to overfull and then puke it all into oblivion...forget it all... pretend everything is the same... dont feel anything... numb yourself... feel better not open and raw... i tried so hard to ignore it...

as im pulling up to the exit for C.H. i remember i still need the halloween candy since my oldest wants to stay home and hand out instead of going t/t which is cool... well i get to the store and i get what i need but then as im paying - i find i have a few items i hadnt planned on buying and didnt really remember grabbing... must need em right? ya well... not really they ended up a binge for me... dumb food... i wish i wouldnt have bought that shit...

so i load the stuff and open a bag to eat starting the binge... i calculate the calories in each piece and i decide yep too much already gotta purge when i get home... so thats what i did..
then i got a call from the ortho surgery clinic about my son and have to take a copy of the paper referra. for his appt on monday... problem - i dont have a copy - shit! so i email my cm and she prints it out and says i just need to come get it before she leaves at 230 - cool! she is awesome! so i tell my son to get dressed he is going with me so i can get him a walk in with the dr to check his eyes...

we get to the hospital and go see my cm... i kind of filled her in on todays session and my fears and then she gives me the papers and we head to peds... shit! i forgot his id card grrrr! oh well its expired anyway - triple shit! so i go in and they make him and appt... one of the desk ladies says i can go to records across the hall and get a promisary note to have him seen today and get his meds if needed... cool... so i go get it...

LOVELY-  he has pink eye... hate that shit! so we go sit and sit and sit some more waiting to get the eye drops... we had his appt at 220 and we were seen at 210... and we got his meds at 403... ugh! ok so we head to the id office... need to get it cuz he has to have for mondays appt or cant be seen... we walk in at 408pm and the lady says r u the sponsor - the active military member? i said no im spouse... well u cant get his id card without a power of attorney or your sponsor here.... shit! so i sign in anyway and call the hubby... he flies out of a meeting at work and arrives in under 5minutes... signs the papers and get the id and he heads back to work we head to the gas station... waited forever but finally got the gas... went to his friends to see if he was also promoted in JROTC and finally came home... so by now it is...

522pm... MOOD: shitty
i feel like crap, my side hurts, and im trying to find an excuse to get me out of the dinner... i didnt have to cook i called my oldest sonto  start pizzas while we were gone rather than making tacos when i got back, as i had planned - i just did and do not want to cook... i want nothing with food right now and i really do not want to purge again... these dam weird episode feelings they scare me and i dont want to have any more... not only that but purging is beginning to really wear me down... i need some energy...

if i can just stop eating for a few days then slowly work into eating a little maybe i could find something safe...idk but as far as eating safe foods... im able to have green tea mints which 3 has 5cals and i only allow them 1x a day... thats not much but shit - its something!

so as far as bp for today - so far 1x and i am trying to resist another... im not sure how i really feel otherwise emotionally... i feel like a morbidly obese whale though and im not really sure why... i woke that way and well it just hasnt gone away...

another failure of a day for me...

611pm 27 Oct,2011
MOOD: disgusted, frustrated, tired, hate hate hate myself...

so i guess u can tell it was not the kind of day i wanted it to be... i ended up bp 2x which could have been worse i suppose but thankfully was not... the first one was just rice and the 2nd was a salad and cereal - yes an odd combo but thats what i had... no idea... anyway - it really made me angry that i caved the first time but the 2nd gave me the major itch to cut - so far ive resisted...

i saw cm today... i had another of those weird episodes while i was there and i told her... she was like maybe u need to be seen nd admitted? i was like no ill be fine... if it keeps up ill go... well its been a few times today but not too bad... i went back and saw her after the bookfair so she could see i was fine as she had said for me to do... she said she just wanted to make sure i was alive and still coherent... im grand...

im in a foul feeling mood right now... i feel disgusted and like i could rip myself apart if i didnt have anyone here right now... im so disgusted with myself and this dam eating issue...  i cant handle this shit much longer...

so with this - i had a pleasant chat with a friend on text today - that was nice... she is so sweet.
my son did his promotion board and first inspection for JROTC today and he was so excited when he came to tell me in the library... it made me smile for him.

my husband is home now - he got home at 6 - earliest all week but he has work to do again... prob not done to sit on the couch till at least 730... oh well at least he is home now... my son was so excited to tell him about the board he is still talking about it...

i cashed a check at walmart we got and i bought some groceries so that was good...

gotta go - guess this is all i have for tonight.