i think i need to start over...

so it has been a while yet again - sorry... not that i dont have time to write her - its more like not feeling like it... sometimes i just feel like it doesnt matter noone reads it anyway and its just for me to get it out. well sometims getting it out i feel like i say the ame things over and over and not really getting out what want to actually say?
so i want to get rid of mia so badly yet i cave in to her day in and day out not able to stop... i do not understand... whe i was younger it was so easy t just not eat...before all the 'knowing' from other people not eating was like - normal... now i just cant not eat without feeling guilty or feeling shakey and know what its from and not seeming to be able to ignore it... for example today - i took my sleeping meds lastnight and i was so dizzy and just not feeling right so istead of fasting like i wanted to i caved in to mia and now i just feel disgusted i cant even seem to make it one day! however - i wont let this keep me down- it was one b/p and it is only 145 in the afternoon... i think i can do the rest of the day without anymore and go to zumba tonight... this burns about 6-800 cals so i think it will be ok... i guess we shall see right?

idk anything anymore...

well ABC has been a HUGE epic failure to the utmost of failures! so im letting it pass... i had changed my mind and decided i was going to just b/p until i couldnt anymore and of course until my holiday box of treats got here... it FINALLY came today and it is gone already! there wasnt much in there - actually thought there would be more oh well... its all good! i am still waiting for another box and i hope it will come tomorrow although i feel as though my b/p days might be over. i also got my freaking period which it has been giving me the worst of cramps it possibly can... in addition - weight gain like no tomorrow - i am not happy at all! so this will end my blog for today and tomorrow is day one of what i will hope will be a difference and a fast... however - if i get that other box and i decide to b/p then it will start fresh after... i just wish all had come at the same time so it could deffinately been done!

ABC day 2...

ok so it is now 1pm and i even though day one was an EPIC failure to unseen limits - i have gone on to day 2 of ABC... this means following the rigid calorie plan - no prob as long as mia stays away...
i woke this am with a bad stomach ach - like nauseated stomach ache... i felt like i was actually sick with a flu or something... got out the bed and did some situps and then alternating leg lifts for 30 minutes... by then it was 6am and time to get the boys up for school... stretching and yawning prevailed and finally they stopped procrastinating and got out of bed and ready for school... bunch of sleepy heads! too many days off makes one lazy!

i drank a sip of green tea to take my meds and supps then got them to the bus for school - OMG so cold out! it was 16 degrees! i felt like i might turn into a pospcicle! glad i pre-warmed the van in the garage! so i came home and crashed back in the bed hoping to relieve my upheveled stomach... i tossed and turned in a restless sleep but it was enough to help me feel better a little...

i got a phone call then and had to go get my youngest from school... great - he is sick, vomitting .... grrrr when will they stop getting sick! they need a break from sickness as much as i need them to havea break! i drive to the school... no good i am having bad dizzy spells and nausea... i hope this goes away...hmmmm i realize i am very thirsty maybe dehydration? idk but after i get him from the office i grab 2 water bottles from the hatchback of the van... we both prob need to replenish... i take a sip and thats all i can muster or i might barf... he holds the bottle and lays back in the seat - he is asleep so quick... i decide i will take care of some errands i really have been procrastinating on just because i havent felt like dealing with it... it as to get done so i go to the YMCA where we havent been since like Aug and cancel the memebrship... i have a family membership at american family fitness and it is 24hrs and the boys can use all the equiptment where at the YMCA all they could basically do was use the pool... had to be 16 to use any equiptment...

next i  come home and leave my son resting on the couch while i drive 2 miles to the post office... on base as long as a child is 10 they can be alone up to 4 hrs without an adult - i only plan to be gone a few minutes to mail a package to hubby... i do so as quickly as the line wil let me and come home... when i get home he is sleeping on the couch so i get him up and bring him to my room where it is warm and we snuggle and drift off into dream land... it is near noon when we wake... wow the day is going by fairly fast right now... good - less triggers to cave in to...

i finally get out the bed and bring my laptop to my room and make me a protein shake(55) with chia seeds(25) = 80cals total... well im still working on it... the anxiety of having any calories in me is hard... im struggling with it and it just makes me really want to b/p... i am fighting... me and a good friend are doing the ABC together... we have to do this! i made food logs and a day calendar... we will fill in what food we ate each day - i am doing the print out and on the computer file... but i have both in case i am out when i have something i can write it down... i did ABC last yr - 13 days b/p free - i want to do better than that this yr! so for now, green tea and water every hr... less than 500 cals which will prob just be through protein shakes and chia seeds and then some coffee as well... i will burn the calories when i work out later... i wanted to go to the gymn but i guess thats out again since my baby is sick...

ABC FOOD LOG
DATE: DEC 15, 2010
ABC DAY: 2	CALORIES ALLOWED: 500
FOODS ↓:	CALORIES IN FOOD EATEN ↓:
chia seeds	25cals
protein shake	55 cals
water	1 bottle, 0 cals
DAILY TOTAL:

so to keep me busy, like my friend, i have made a 'to-do' list... this is my list for today:

YMCA  x

Post Office x

Game room - pickup, vaccum

Laundry

Kitchen - sink, counters, stove, sweep and mop

Livingroom - pickup, vaccum

Bathroom (dwstrs) - toilet, sink, sweep and mop

Upstairs - vaccum hallway and all bedrooms, put my laundry away

Bathroom (master) - toilet, sink, tub, sweep and mop

Read - text or a book of choice

Log in to school and do assignments, respond to posts x

Crochet - work on Brice's blanket

Workout - elliptical, zumba, situps, leg lifts

so the ones with red 'x' next to them i have already done prior to making this post... so here we go i hope i can be strong - logging out from blogging is when i tend to cave - not today... i wont let mia win... i will maybe eat something but the other rule -

NOTHING BUT WATER, TEA or COFFEE after 430pm - PERIOD...

anyone who feels like joining us in ABC please feel free - the more support the better!



ok so now it is 530pm and ive done fairly well... i did end up b/p once but thats way better than i have been doing... im still going to count it as a success as i did manage to keep the 80 cals down even if it was hard... here is what happened...

i had some of the noodles called miracle noodles - zero everything... i put in the skillet with some ponzu saudce (10cals) and some dried chives... the problem was when i started eating them for some reason they kept getting stuck in my throat and making me gag... this totally set me up and i ended up b/p on baked potatoes and purged the noodles and the potatoes... so it was less than 500cals anyway... just not successful with no b/p...if i had not been gagging on the noddles i think i could have made it completely... so i am facing the next challenge now - nothing after 430pm except water and green tea or coffee... so far no big issue... im working out now with my quick fix workout video... has several 10min segments that focus on particular sections of the body... ive done 40min and i will do the elliptical later when taps is on - i love that show and can focus on that while i workout and not get bored and hopefully not triggered either...bad thing is the elliptical is right next to the kitchen so i hope - no i know i will be strong enough... now that this day is nearly over - tomorrow should be easier...

NUTRITION FACTS

Serving Size: 3 oz (85 g)

Serving per Container: approx 2.5

Net wt. 7 oz (198 g)

Amount Per Serving
Calories	0
Calories From Fat	0
		% Daily Value
Total Fat	0 g	0 %
Saturated Fat	0 g	0 %
Trans Fat	0 g	0 %
Cholesterol	0 mg	0 %
Sodium	0 mg	0 %
Total Carbohydrate	<1 g	0 %
Dietary Fiber	0 g	0 %
Sugar	0 g
Protein	0 g
Vitamin A		0 %
Vitamin C		0 %
Calcium		0 %
Iron		8 %

INGREDIENTS

Purified water, yam flour, and hydrated lime.

• Product of USA
• Percent Daily Values (DV) are
  based on a 2,000 calorie diet

JFC White Shirataki Noodles Shirataki Noodles are healthy low carb noodles that taste great when combined with your favorite sauce. Shirataki noodles are a favorite of health-conscious eaters because they are fiber-rich and filling. These low fat noodles allow you to get your pasta fix without packing on the carbs. Shirataki Noodles have a unique aroma. *Parboiling before use is recommended to improve the texture. so all this said and done now - im tired and actually ready to sleep but think i may wait a bit... i really need to do that workout on the elliptical although i know i burned lots of cals with the video...

can i just start over?

today has not gone as planned - at all! so i had made my food log and i printed it out and was really planning to do the ABC today... well i got up triggered to no end and it did not work out! i have bp a few times today but no where like it has been lately so i guess at least that is a plus - idk yet...weight didnt budge but at least not up right? i have made the dieters tea - instead of lax think i will drink that tonight... i had a paper due in class yesterday i am so confused though i just cant seem to focus to get it done... it as to be in today if i dont i will never pass this class... not an option... this means so much to me - i really wanna be a therapist and work with those who have ed's - if they want help i know i would be good at it... just a matter of getting me to that point as well...
how i feel inside today? i am feeling really down and depressed... i do not cry but i have been feeling like i need to cry i need to just pour out and nothing happens... maybe my eyes will get wet and i have the achey feeling like i need to cry then i harden up and it goes away... im not sure what causes it - maybe i just cant be weak enough to cry...although crying in reality is what makes one stronger... ugh idk - i hope so much i can get ahold of this and really make this work... i am so tired of hoping and trying and epically failing...

redo the do over!

ok so the challnge has NOT been going so well... i hate being a failure and a liar... especially lieing to all my friends and then lieing to myself just makes it feel even worse...i keep letting everyone down to include me and it just feels like i am sinking into this hole and will never get out...
i guess this is really hard for a few reasons... i feel like all i ever do is make blind promises so why write it? i also have a really hard time writing what i eat down in my journal because it would be really embarrassing and disgusting if you had to read what i eat in one day... granted i may purge several times but it sometimes amounts to several thousand calories consumed in a day i am certain...here is an example of a binge...
i made 10 eggs with cheese and fat free sour cream for a binge... i ate some with some unsweetened almond milk and purged between each cup it was a total of 4 purges to finish the omlet - how disgusting and embarrassing is that?
So i am trying something new... i keep trying new things something has to help right? i mean something has to make things get better! so i have done ABC before but im going to try it again... last yr i did it and the first 3 days i lost 7lbs... i managed to do it for 13 days and was b/p free that 13 days as well...so maybe this is what i need to do?
day one is 500 cals... i am going to not try to reach that 500 cals though - i feel like that is too many... so i am going to aim for about 320 tomorrow or so - maybe a little more we will see how i feel with it... i know i can do a protein shake = 55 cals and add the chia seed powder which is 25cals... s thats 80 cals for one so if i have 4 thats 320 cals... i think i may add an apple to that later which would be 400 but i am not sure i want to add any... i also want to do the gymn and the elliptical in there to counter it... i am not sure if it will work but i am so desperate!

failure to the highest extreme...

well today did not go as i had planned for it too... once again the sink is overflowing with dishes to be loaded into the dishwasher and the trashcan needed emptied before the end of the day... the fridge is looking emptier and i have no money to go shopping... in fact i have totally fucked up and there is no way to fix it... i only hope somehow i can make the food i do have last through till the 1st of jan...
i have binged and purged too many times today... my head and throat hurt and i feel like shit... i am such a failure... i cant seem to even be honest with myself... i know in my head there is no possible way i can do this alone - i need help but it is simply not an option... therefore what is going to happen? i have no idea... either i will end up dead as i had predicted, in the hospital and on a feeding tube - not if i have a say in it, or i will passout and someone is going to find me and all shit is going to hit the fan... my husband is not going to be happy at all if he learns any of this... i just cant break it to him.. he doesnt need further heart breakng he has his own struggles... he was just given some anti depressants because he was suicidal - like he needs to hear im struggling beyond struggling... i feel like crying but i wont... i really wish i had my therapist... i really wish she would see me again... i know im an epic failure but at least when i was seeing her i had someone to be accountable too and i was able to have someone to push me to keep going... it just isnt working anymore... my voice says the wrong things and pushes me the wrong ways how is this ever going to get me better?
i wish i could shut the voice up... it doesnt help in the wya i want anyway... always drudging up the past y cant that shit just shove back in the dusty box in my minds closet again? i dont want it around... i dont want to know about it or remember it and i dont want the feelings the shit brings back i just wantto forget... i just dont want to do it anymore and i dont want to relive it... im tired and i just want it all gone - NOW.

no more excuses!

ok i have not posted in a while. i feel like i am talking to myself and i dont care so y even post anything? i love to write but lately it just seems like it doesnt matter so y bother? well i have finally hit the bottom and it has to stop. i am waking in the morning to find myself a slave to mia from first steps downstairs until i am in bed at night and even then i think and dream about bp... no more... i am sick of a sink of dirty dishes from my binges and a trash and recycle can over flowing with wrappers not to mention the dwindling food supply forcing shopping trips nearly every day - no more... in addition the purging is literally killing me... headaches, toothaches and now even worse - blood... for the past 3 days i have hd blood in the purging nearly every time... thats a lot since i have been purging many many times in the day - some days even as much as 20x in a day... this is not working i have got to stop...
i have to prove to myself i can do this... the longest i have gone without mia is 13 days and that was last yr at this time... my dr and psychiatrist have given up on me... they dont think i can stop without hospitalization and a feeding tube and well my therapist said she hadnt given up on me but she refuses to see me so i feel like she did... i cant go back to her until the dr removes hospitalization recommendation so i guess im not going back... i have decided to put forth a challenge to myself... i am fighting it even now as i type this... i am feeling oh so triggered and all i feel like doing is binging and purging... anyway - my challenge is i have to go util Jan 1 with no binging and no purging... i know i can do it.... i just really have to force myself to do it... this means not allowing myself to give in... its really hard... i have already given up on myself... the worst thing is i thought i would be dead or in the hospital by this time... i didnt think i was going to live to see next yr... do i now? im not really sure to be honest... with everything that has been going on with my body i am not sure i will make it... it doesnt matter - im alone anyway... i have no family here and i write this journal in hopes someone will read it and benefit but i do not even think it matters... it probably means nothing to anyone and i just feel like a big nothing...
it is really sad to have so many things - a husband who loves me very much and i love with my whole heart, 3 beautiful children who mean more than the world to me, a house to live in, 2 degrees and working on a 3rd yet i feel like the biggest failure in the world... i feel like i do not deserve the air i breathe and the clothes i wear not to mention the love i receive from my boys and husband... i deserve to be burried 6 ft under in a cardboard box for the bug to have at me...
today i am in a very low low place... to be honst i think i am going to end up doing a few things i know will help at least for a minute... i a planning to cut - i want and need to bleed... if i knew my babies would be well taken care of and my hsuband could handle it i would do it enough to bleed out - at least then i would be a few things - light and empty and out of pain... however i do not know these things so this will not be the case for today... i am going to cut though - there is no question fo that it is just a matter of where and how deep, how much and of course when...
i am also going to take lax tonight... how many i am not sure... this will be determined by the day how things go... whether i end up bp today or not... i have so many things to eat that are what i bought to bp with but i do not want to... i have taken the permission away from myself to bp so i am not sure i even will today or not... if i do not the lax will be harsh still and will begin what i need to get me on the track i am aiming for... i have gained some weight and i am not managing well with it not to mention i do not want it... my goal is to lose enough i will potentially be under 100 lbs by the new yr... we will see if it goes as i plan... i know if i make that goal a reality i potentially face immediate hospitalization but they can not force me if i do not want it and my labs come back stable even if itis through the use of the supplements... my dr told me this at the last visit.. this means i can lose and as long as my heart is stable when i see her there is nothing they can do... since i do not go to her until after the17th of next month - i have plenty of time to potentially make even 85lbs - wow that would be like awesome! the sad thing is people already comment to me about how sick i look and there are the too skinny comments not to mention the u dont need to lose anymore in fact u could use a few extra lbs remarks or even worse yet the ones that say i look like a drug addict because i am so skinny... oh well - y should i care? its my body and i want to be ok in it... if losing this weight is what makes me feel ok then i should be able to right?
blah! idk y i am even saying any of this here... noone really reads it... i feel like i am talking to myself... and to be honest im sick of hearing my voice - i dont want to hear any voices anymore... i just want nothing...
so yeah i guess thats it... a failure i am - but i have to make this work... i am just not sure if i really feel up to trying to do it today or waiting until tomorrow...

period and bloating suck!

so i have a horrible headache! i purged today a few times - i was out doing errands and was dizzy and lightheaded and i was well - an hr drive away from my house so i had to eat... this lead to massive bp... 3x. grrr... oh well - the nice part is i am at 119 today and hoping for less tomorrow... no gymn todya - i wanted to go but i just had too much homework for my new class to go... especially since i had left shortly before 9am and didnt get home until 430! im so exhausted! ibarely slept lastnight and im hoping for an early night tonight... im sorry - no pics for the blog today and i dont even feel like posting much - just wanted to check in.

736 pm mentally exhausted physically full of energy!

ok so my day started really early and really bad! i had cramps all night and thought oh great my period early? well it was but nit really early... it only last half a day on the 5th of nov and then again a few days later i had a little spotting i thought maybe i was lucky oh well...
so i got up and got dressed to take the boys to the bus stop this am...before i took them though i measured the chia seeds and ground em in the coffee grinder and mixed em with some water and sugar free orange koolaid... it got thick and was kind of like a gelatin liquid drink - i like it... anyway then i took the boys to the bus came home and layed down to try to sleep... i only slept an hr - i just couldnt sleep so got up, showered and went to the gymn... i did the bike for a bit then i went to the zumba class then back to the bike... in all i burned 900 cals there!
i went to gnc to look for kelp tablets - they were sold out so i will keep checking... came home changed into grungies, made coffee, made a bleach bottle and a to-do list and got busy cleaning... by the time i started it was 1230 - i stopped at 430 to go to the gymn again... a friend looked up the cals for me for cleaning i burned about 800 cals (i came home and cleaned another 45 min after the 4hrs she looked up which was 780 cals so i added 20)... thats 1700 cals burned so far!
i went to the gymn and did the elliptical cross trainer and then to another zumba class in all i burned another 750 cals tonight! add that to the 1700 and lets see...thats 2450 burned! yay! and guess what else? NO MIA! NO CRAVINGS! im not hungry either! i am so pleased with today! i got tons done and burned tons of calories - i am hoping this is a good thing and that mia is finally pushed to the shadows and ana is back in control! tomorrow i already have my to-do list ready and i already ground the chia seeds so just have to add to my drink in the morning... 2 days to go till the cravings should be completely gone... ill be fasting except the chia seeds - i dont count them though as they are like a supplement of protein, iron, omega 3, boost the metabolism and regulate blood sugar as well as help nails and hair grow and be healthy and strong - cant go wrong with those! oh and not to mention they are known for their huge boosts with energy! yes!
so right now i am feeling pretty good... focused even - not resorting to mia has left me more focused... i feel like reading but idk i may wait until tomorrow... the goal after a quick rest in the am is to head to the gymn for a while then back to cleaning as i did today... i find if i am no where near the food it is not quite so tempting... although today i didnt feel tempted today i even made a coffee and didnt drink it... i will tomorrow thoug i really want it but i wont drink now as it is too late and i wanna sleep tonight... coffee with no food might keep me awake longer than im willing. no pics for todays blog - i dont feel like looking for any - but i can safely say today was a huge success - finally!

ok so let me fill u in...

well i guess i should start with going back to just after the 4th...lets see it was a few things in the weeks after - there were book fairs at the boys schools and i was working there - well volunteering i guess... anyway the week of the 18th was the most eventful...

This is a wall decoration i made at the book fair with one other mom... it is actually about 6' high and about 20' long! it takes the entire hallway next to the library at the middle school!

the 17th i saw my psych dr who scared me to death...she asked me why i was not already in the hospital? i told her i refused to go... she said she doesnt know what the hospital will do for me except put a central tube down my throat or give me a peg tube - NO THANK YOU! i told her fuck no! im not going and im not getting another fucking tube! she said come back in 3 months unless i need something before that - i can come anytime if i need to...w/e...
the next day was my oldest sons birthday - happy birthday hunny - you are 15 now!

well i took my boys to school today as i was going to the 'muffins for moms' breakfast at the school with my youngest... turns out we had so many moms there, he had already eaten donuts for his brothers bday at home he didnt wanna wait in that LONG line - so he just went to class... i went in and worked in the bookfair it was packed! we made over $2062 that 45 min breakfast time! needless to say we were a little BUSY!

so i left out soon as i could as i had a dr appt - yes the dreaded dr! dear God help me! i was afraid that the psych dr would call her and they would have me admitted while i was there or something - but i went anyway... i get there and i get the look... crap i already know and im pissed - my labs came back NOT good and i know im probably in a lot of trouble... i wish i knew HOW much she can actually do to me and how much power she really has? well she gets my weight and is pleased - it went up about alb since last time - she doesnt know i water logged at the bookstore though! anyway so she then looks at the labs and she says what is going on? why are the labs bad again? i proceed to tell her ive had a bad few weeks of bp and just didnt do the protein shakes - what she doesnt know is i havent done those in over a month... i just felt like i was wasting the money since i wouldnt keep em down anyway... she says well u need to start drinking them gain...

i also had a bone density test done after my last appt... she said i need to do some light weight training to strengthen the bones and take calcium and vit d supps to keep them from being so easy to break - lovely i hate taking these damn things! she looks at my container for my iron supps and says it shoudl not even be considered a supp! it only has 18mg of iron in a tablet and a REGULAR supp for iron has 375mg! GRRRR! maybe thats y they idnt help! so frustrating as they were exspensive! she really likes the vegan magnesium though said that was a really good supp i got as well as the ginger for digestion and the other stuff i had oh and she liked my calcium chews from gnc - better than a pill and absorbed immediately... at least i did something right! so i made some cake for my sons bday for his sleepover tomorrow(the day after his bay we celebrated)... they had spaghetti tonight...

On friday night - the day after his bday, we celebrated with cake and a friend stayed over - they didnt go to bed untol 330am! geeze and they kept me up half the night not to mention the lax i took...ugh i was so tired and sick that weekend - it was aweful... oh well he had fun and thats all i cared about... he was happy too... so skipping ahead to this past week - ugh it was aweful! the thanksgiving holiday has totally killed me! i have way fallen off the vegan and vegetarian wagon not to mention left ana in the shadows... it has been bad... i could not seem to stop craving ham and bp constantly... i mean i was purging then stuffing then purging then stuffing... there was really no break between what i was doing and it was horrible... lots of diet soda i drank and i gained more and more each day... i knew it was the soda but the cravings were so bad it didnt matter... so i just kept going... the more i tried to stop the harder it got... i was so distraught... i was dizzy, tired, and lightheaded... a few times at the bookfair i almost passed out had to hold the tables to keep from falling over or hitting the floor... i did not like it... i also felt so fat it just didnt help...
thanksgiving is over - i have bp so mcuh on all the foods we were like out of everything in this house! i went to the store and spent $230 yesterday on groceries and made almost another feast but no turkey just ham and other goodies... i also experimented and made a new soup: curry and kale - not a good idea, the kids didnt like it i thought it was ok but not my fav, oh well... i also made a new mac and cheese dish my friend sent me the recipe for... i pretty much followed the recipe but i made way more than it called for... so we had leftovers... my middle and youngest tore it up my oldest didnt like it at all... he said i just like my noodles with the cheese - not all the fancy added stuff... oh well...

i baked my first turkey this year! usually it is my husband does the turkey i do the rest!

so then i finished my paper which had been due wed , and finally submitted it and went to bed... i got up this am and my weight has come down from fridays horrible 129 to now 123... it will continue to fall i hope...  i got up took my meds and thought i could ignore the cravings... it didnt work... i bp on stuff from my mini feast and then got online to do my hw... i took another of my meds thinking i prob purged it up... after a bit the cravings got too big but this time all i wanted was liquid? so i drank juice and drank more juice then i purged and then showered... after i showered i made the chia seeds in the coffee grinder and put them in the water bottle with the sugar free koolaid and mixed it up... supposedly these seends expand 9x their size and fill u up for a long time... in addition they are really good for u and give u loads of energy... i am hoping i am done with mia and food for today and forever... we will see what happens right?

so a while after i posted this i ended up bp again ugh... my throat is so sore today its aweful... i am hoping to sleep the day away tomorrow then maybe get some housework done... my new class starts tuesday so monday is a freeday for me...

let the party begin!

ok so the past few days have been really shitty! seems i have NO control over my hands and my mouth - none! all i seem to be able to do is shovel crap in as fast as possible (which is still slow for me as im a slow eater!) so i can puke it all out as fast as possible... i hate that i am doing this... that i am feeling like i deserve the pains... i wish i would just stop already!
so the pains i was having in my chest have gone for today - im not sure if this is good or bad - i dont even know what was causing them i am glad to not have them now though as they were really painful...
so i had a paper due for my clas - yesterday! i thought it was due tomorrow and have not even done it - i have 126/1250 words done so far! i dont understand what I am writing on to be honest and it makes it so much harder to do! i am hoping that the instructor will respond soon and help me by explaining what on earth i am trying to write about!

fuck me and this life im tired of fighting...

i think i have officially given up? i feel like i have an esophogial tear and it hurts like hell to put anything in or out through my mouth and throat yet i keep going... wtf is wrong with me! i think mia is so strong right now and as much as i fight and try i just cant get away from her - she just seems to get stronger and stronger and i dont know what to do anymore...

another day so where's my next dollar?

ok so today i got up at 340am! yes 340am! well actually 234am when i had to pee... i logged online to see if maybe hubby was there - ive not heard from him since sat night - im getting really worried and that is the biggest trigger for me! so i finally got out the bed and went in and sat in the shower. for almost an hr i let the water run and fill up the bathtub and i just soaked... i still couldnt relax so i got out and started to get dressed... i decided at this time i was going to the gymn before my dr appt today so i had to find something i cold wear that was appropriate for the gymn and i could also wear to the appt... i finally decided on my new black/grey sweater and my black like cargo slack pants... idk what that are but they are not denim and not cargo materil - soemthing else... anyway so i got them layed out on the bed and im getting dressed... i go to put the pants on pull em up and i let go to grab my shirt - they fell to the floor! shit! thats not gonna work! need a belt! so i rummage through my stuff and find my only black belt... i put it through the loops and goto buckle it - i cant find a hole wtf? i look closer and it doesnt go small enough! oh well it will have to do - i will just hold the pants up the rest of the way - its only till after the appt anyway then i can change nto something else...

i go downstairs feeling a slight bit manic and start cleaning... first a load of laundry - switch to dryer, hang the wet and fold the dry and match ll the socks... start a new load... next i make the mix and start cooking waffles while cleaning off the table, the counter and picking up the floors in the living room and game/workout room... time to get the youngest two up... go upstairs wake them come back down keep cleaning and cooking... put their waffles on the table spray the stove to clean it... pour 3 cups of soy milk and lay out meds... oops - gottta pee... done come back and finish waffles, clean the iron and make a pot of coffee... check the bys have they finished eaten? is the table clean? did they take their meds and drink all their milk? i plug in the vacuum and begin vacuuiming the game room empty the canister thn work my way through the hallway and livingroom and again empty the canister... damn it was bad in here today! ok time to go to the bus! take them to the bus planning t head to the gymn next - shit left my phone at home! grrr they load the buses andi quickly drive the 1 block home to get my phone and go to the gymn... i have 40 minutes to read and workut before i gotta leave for my appt - cool i can get a little workout in...

 WHAT IS MANIA?

"Mania, the presence of which is a criterion for certain psychiatric diagnoses, is a state of abnormally elevated or irritable mood, arousal, and/ or energy levels. In someways it is the opposite of depression. The word derives from the Greek "μανία" (mania), "madness, frenzy" and that from the verb "μαίνομαι" (mainomai), "to be mad, to rage, to be furious".

i do the bike 40 minutes, i only burn 150 cals cuz i am so intrigued by my book i find myself slowing to nearly not pedaling... finally i put the book down and watch the tv... i have no clue what this program is - its kind of weird but interesting about this woman who is in a beauty pageant for miss. illinois... idk i didnt stay to wtch it - the girls werent very thin and not very motivational... all of em were just snobby and back stabbing... it was time for me to go so i cleaned the machine and left...

GET SOME MILES IN WHILE I HAVE SOME FREE TIME!

i get to the ortho dr and i have paperwork to fill out good thing i thought ahead and planned to have to do paperwork so i got there 10min early! i finish the paperwork hand it to the lady and then have a seat... i am prepared to sit for a while - last time at the other facility i was there like 40 min before they called me - i had my phone to text and my book to read things to keep my mind occupied... my mind racing i cant get yahoo mesenger to login and im so worried about my husband... i have no reason for concern per sey except they keep getting rocket attacked and i havent heard from him since sat night when he got booted offline... im worried...

LETS GET THIS OVER WITH!

next thing i know the nurse is caling me back and handing me a gown... remove the bottoms they have metal buttons on the back pockets may case issu with results... i lay on the hard table and she tells me to lay flat and relax... i dont have to hold my breath or anything - just breathe easy... she is talking to me... we talk about my school and my martial arts and my boys and hubby being gone etc.. she asks if im still getting my period - im like ya i guess u can call it that? i mean it lasted in total maybe 3/4 - 1 day? i think in reality was more like 1/2 a day with just spotting - heavy - spotting - nothing. i said but it doesnt bother me - i dont need it anyway - i am not having anymore kids... she said ive made quite a few accomplishments and should be proud... she didnt make me put my foot in one of those holders like the other place did when they tweaked my hip and made it hurt for about 6 months maybe longer...i was grateful for that... she said no point since i am capable of holding still on my own why make it more uncomfortable? thank you.

so anyway test is done and i go to stand up... first i sit and grab my pants and slide em up... i stand up and suddenly everything is black and i find myself falling smack on my ass onto the table - thank God it was there! she was liek ya have a seat for a few minutes till u r not dizzy anymore... shit this is NOT what i needed! i dont need to be passing out especially at the dr's! talk about quick reason for admission! ok so i am totally freakedto drive now and end up a few blocks away eating at shoneys... i wasnt hungry and it wasnt even good... i was just eating to make so i didnt passout... halfway through i was like i am so done... purged...paid and left... came home and purged more to make sure i got it all... came upstairs and finally yahoo decides to logon right when i turn the computer on... grrrr... i just log out from the phone and put the computer on... ive had it logged in all day...

DIZZY YET?

i got my homework done and i proceeded to bp 2x more today... i guess its ot so bad but i relaly waned 0... tomorrow i have to work at the boys school so i gotta get some sleep tonight so i can have energy tomorrow! this crap of less than 3hrs of sleep just doesnt help with the dizziness - although i do appreciate being manic-high as i get stuff done!

so i made some dinner which i bp and some vegetarian chili with cheese... here is the weird thing... i usually eat it all and then i wll purge... for some reason and without realizing it till i was done... i ate the chili and left the cheese in the bowl? idk it was weird... so i purged and my weight is back to what it was and im ok... im going to take some water pills already took some d pills... but im done with food today and i dont want anything to do with it... i hope i can keep this mindset tomorrow and not end up caving when i come home after working at the school...

HMMM... WONDER Y I DIDNT EAT THE CHEESE TONIGHT? IT WAS A BINGE..

so i also stopped at the hospital to talk to my case manager... i wanted to see if she has my last results from bone density test i had a few yrs ago - she was out till tomorrow... ill try to remember to stop on my way home... anyway so i also stopped by xray to see my friend and she said geeze - nothing but bones... it sort of made me feel good in a sick sort of way? i like that people see my bones and tell me - i dont see em so i need to know they are there... next i remembered to stop by the peds clinic and make my son an appt for his asthma meds check and refill... this is going to be a long week i just hope i remember everything i need to get done!
 

LOOKING FOR A BETTER NUMBER AND BONES...

so tonight my top right wisdom tooth is really hurting... it hurts to bite down hard... ive never once in my life had a cavitiy and i think im might be getting one... grrr guess i need to call the dentist and get us some appts?



i dont think im gonna bp again tonight... im really tired now - slowing down from this mania i was on... damn i like being manic at least i feel something...thought about calling Diane today... ask if she will see me no since my labs are ok... i dont think she will though because my weight is down... idk i might call tomorrow and ask her anyway - i guess it wont hurt right? idk i just feel like why even try? im not willing to do everything they want so that means my dr prob wont lift the hospital recommendation... im not willing to go to a new therapist so oh well...

oldest son has dr on thursday at 820 and therapist for middle at 1015... working at the school tomorrow and wed till at least 11... this should be a breeze for fasting - i hope!

so screw me!

damn it all anyway! i ALMOST made it today then my son finishes the dinner and says 'mommy rnt u eating? u havent had anything all day' what was  supposed to say or do? he isnt dumb - he is almost 15 and i cant say i ate cuz he has been downstairs all day - obviously he is old enough he noticed.... damn it all anyway! so i ate spaghetti made from spinach fettucchini noodles with my homemade sauce and a piece of cheeey texas toast... i then purged... i purged so much my throat is burning and im so super dizzy... i feel like my head is in space and everything is so far away... i do not like this feeling... oh well i am used to it... im dehydrated i think... i took water pills again anyway to make sure anything in there comes out then i also took my d pills... i weighed the same as i did this am when i got up... i really hope goes down to 108 tomorrow but not counting on it...

 about to write my paper on my personality then i hope its not too late and i have some energy to do some exercises... i was going to go do the elliptical but thats near the kitchen so maybe just some stuff in my room is a better idea... i cant find my exercise videos - not happy about it so i went on amazon and ordered a dvd with minna lessig - it shipped and should be here by wed according to the email... i really am very disappointed in myself for giving in like that but at the same time i cant taint my children... i cannot let them know what is going on... i can not make them aware nor cause them further worry and stress... this life sux... i want to just have a vacation from myself... be someone else... someone happy, healthy and where recovery is not even a worry because an eating disorder has never been an issue...

i am goin to make it!

well its 415 in the afternoon on Sunday... ive not blogged for a few days... i guess i just have no motivation to blog...it feels like noone cares or is listening anyway so y bother? besides i dont wanna be a whiner or a baby or people to think i am needy or something so w/e...
since my last post ive had blood drawn, labs were well enough dr'd that only the potassium came back low... i gave an excuse that i was out of supps.. i can only imagine how low they truly wouldve been if i hadnt been doubling the doses for about a week prior to the drawing! that could have been an aweful result with immediate hospital admission because of risk to heart attack and seizure... grrr ok so gotta be way more careful with supps... i just hate taking them! i hate taking ANY pills anymore - good intentions or not it doesnt matter... i dont want anything inside this horrible shell i call a body...
so anyway - labs were up enough when i went to my dr on thursday that she was pleased for improvement but very upset about my weight... now here is something interesting... i have been seeing her since may of 2010... she had never once even listened to my h/r or my lungs... i thought ok ill wear this weight vest under my halter so she wont know ive lost... well i decided against it - i waterlogged some instead... only about a lb but it was some... anyway u wont believe this - she actually checked me this appt! thank God i decided against the weight vest! i would have been in so much shit!

THIS IS MY WEIGHT VEST IT WEIGHS 8LBS

so for my appt i was up in the weight area to 109.9 which before the water i was 108.2 so it was a good amount of waterlogging... felt like i was floating! she was very 'concerned' because now i am at high risk for heart attack and seizure with such a 'low weight' for my height of 5'9"... well it deff does not feel like a low weight! she says '...u r not ALLOWED to lose anymore weight...u need to gain up to 125... i need u @ least 3-5lbs more when u come back next visit." i was like !!!!!! no way... im going to lose... she say "NO! u deff CANNOT lose more! u are @ such a risk now the only thing helping keep u stable is the supplements... i want u to wrk on 2-3 small meals a day even one can be a protein shake and they need to stay down..." i was like not happening... she doesnt get she just challenged Ana - she told her she is not allowed to do something! hello weightloss is Ana's job! dont tell her she cant do it! ok long story short i was highly triggered to a point i went to Olive Garden (OG) and bp my guts out...
my husband asked me for a pic a bra and panty one... grrr... i do not do those... ok so he is in Iraq and so i did one... i emailed it to him and that triggered the shitout of me as well... he said "u looke like ur not eating... i can see all ur ribs and hipbones" later he says "i love the pic" so which is it? this has me so confused... then yesterday we r talking and he says "it makes me sad to see ur ribs popping out like that"... idk anymore - i dont c them...all i c is FAT and DISGUSTING and i explaind this to my dr... she said well u rnt fat hun... u r scary thin and i can see all ur bones... i said through my clothes? all i can think of is the nurse who weighs me made a comment to her about seeing my bones now or something... i deff dont see through my clothes sometimes i cant c them at all... today is one of those days...

THOSE ARE MY HIPBONES... BUT I STILL LOOK SO HUGE!

let me go back to yesterday... ok so i went to the farmers market - love going there... after i always take my son to breakfast - its our special time but it was a mistake as i bp like no tomorrow... i almost passed out in the bathroom... i was so cold i couldnt stop shaking... he was like u r shaking more than the leaves in the wind! i know - it was bad! so we go to walkmart i get what i need and we go home where i got busy in the kitchen - it was now 2pm... i cleaned the squash, sliced the eft over squash from last week for steaming later this week... i stored that in the fridge... then i diced tomatoes to make spaghetti sauce, cleaned and sliced white sweet potatoes and put in oven to bake, slice acorn and butternust squash and put in to bake, put potatoes i micro to make baked potatoes... i sliced multiple colored peppers and squash and keilbasa and poatatoes for a fry mix for dinner, cleaned and stored kale, green leaf lettuce and turnip greens and boiled some turnips... i was in the kitchen until 630pm! i bp my butt off a total of more than 20 times - it was my worst day in literally months! i do not want to go there again EVER! so what caused all this? the lax  took the night before didnt work! i drank the liquid ones and well backfired resulting in a GAIN from 109 to 115! i totally freaked out! yeah - so well i am staying free and clear of the kitchen today!

THIS IS A TABLE AT OUR FARMERS MARKET

i managed to get lax and take a box lastnight... sick as shit all night and today i have not even had 16oz to drink... i want nothing in there... im fasting and i dont care what it takes - i refuse to give in! i have no money in the bank and enough cash for gas for this week so b/p out is out! that means this is perfect time to force myself to do what i have been trying to do and been too weak to succeed at lately! hmmm well its now 445pm and im still here blogging and gotta go downstairs to check y the water wont boil for the spaghetti noodles... damn i was hoping to not even cross the kitchen threshold today! oh well - i have healty kids and they need to eat!

NOPE NOT MY SAUCE - I DONT HAVE A PIC OF MINE!

so that was challenging! i managed to get the noodles in the pot which was boiling lol - my son is doing this for the first time so its ok... anyway i also told him to cook the meat and got him started and seasoned it for him... the dinner should be ready for them by 5pm maybe a little longer... at any rate - i was totally turned off from eating which is like AWESOME! i totally just do not want to cave in! right now - after 330pm is my HARDEST time to not cave in when im fasting... idky as i used to refuse to even eat after 430 so its odd that this would be harder for me... i would think the am would be harder...
so the lax had my up sick as shit lastnight but my weight is back to 109 thank you God! i cannot handle a gain especially not THAT much gain overnight! so this gives me another dilema now... when i get down even lower... idk how low so cant give a number... but how on earth will i maintain? it seems i eat or drink - i gain... i fear the smells of foods - i am afraid they will make me gain... i cant touch the foods without gloves or it may permeate into my body and absorb into fat and gain... yesterday i was so bad i even drank sugar free lemonade which is zero cals/sugar and fats and when i finished i purged... i didnt want in my body...i know where this is all going and what scares me the most is my knowledge... knowing... knowing what i am doing and what i have to do and not being able to do it... ruining my life killing my body dieing my slow suicide...

 

"Suicide (Latin suicidium, from sui caedere, "to kill oneself") is the act of a human being intentionally causing his or her own death. Suicide is often committed out of despair, or attributed to some underlying mental disorder which includes depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism and drug abuse.  Financial difficulties, interpersonal relationships and other undesirable situations play a significant role.

Over one million people commit suicide every year. The World Health Organization estimates that it is the thirteenth-leading cause of death worldwide. It is a leading cause of death among teenagers and adults under 35. There are an estimated 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year worldwide.^"

i have a bone density test tomorow... they are checking to see if the osteopenia is worse, better or the same... after my huge defciency back in april where i had to take 40,000 units a week for 8 weeks of vit D to get the deficiency to go down... my body was eating the marrow seeing as thats where vit D is stored and with no extra it had to go to reserves... my dr is afraid with all the deficiences ive had the past few months that it is down again and destroying my bones... i mean most people break a foot it takes 6months or so to heal... not me - mine took 2 yrs... oh boy... i really hope for better but im not counting on it... the only way to reverse the damage is 'proper nutrition and supplements' well i got the supplements part down can we just bypass the nutrition all around?



"What is osteopenia?

Osteopenia refers to bone mineral density (BMD) that is lower than normal peak BMD but not low enough to be classified as osteoporosis. Bone mineral density is a measurement of the level of minerals in the bones, which indicates how dense and strong they are. If your BMD is low compared to normal peak BMD, you are said to have osteopenia. Having osteopenia means there is a greater risk that, as time passes, you may develop BMD that is very low compared to normal, known as osteoporosis.

What causes osteopenia?

Bones naturally become thinner as people grow older because, beginning in middle age, existing bone cells are reabsorbed by the body faster than new bone is made. As this occurs, the bones lose minerals, heaviness (mass), and structure, making them weaker and increasing their risk of breaking. All people begin losing bone mass after they reach peak BMD at about 30 years of age. The thicker your bones are at about age 30, the longer it takes to develop osteopenia or osteoporosis.

Some people who have osteopenia may not have bone loss. They may just naturally have a lower bone density. Osteopenia may also be the result of a wide variety of other conditions, disease processes, or treatments. Women are far more likely to develop osteopenia and osteoporosis than men. This is because women have a lower peak BMD and because the loss of bone mass speeds up as hormonal changes take place at the time of menopause. In both men and women, the following factors can all contribute to osteopenia:

• Eating disorders or metabolism problems that do not allow the body to take in and use enough vitamins and minerals
• Chemotherapy, or medicines such as steroids used to treat a number of conditions, including asthma
• Exposure to radiation
• Having a family history of osteoporosis, being thin, being white or Asian, getting limited physical activity, smoking, regularly drinking cola drinks, and drinking excessive amounts of alcohol also increase the risk of osteopenia and, eventually, osteoporosis.

What are the symptoms?

Osteopenia has no symptoms. You notice no pain or change as the bone becomes thinner, although the risk of breaking a bone increases as the bone becomes less dense.

How is osteopenia diagnosed?

Osteopenia is diagnosed with a bone mineral density (BMD) test, usually done to see whether you have osteoporosis. The most accurate test of BMD is dual-energy X-ray absorptiometry (DEXA), although there are other methods. DEXA is a form of X-ray that can detect as little as 2% of bone loss per year. A standard X-ray is not useful in diagnosing osteopenia because it is not sensitive enough to detect small amounts of bone loss or minor changes in bone density. See the topic Osteoporosis for more information on BMD testing.

How is it treated?

Osteopenia is treated by taking steps to keep it from progressing to osteoporosis and, for a few people, by taking medicine. Lifestyle changes can help reduce the bone loss that leads to osteopenia and osteoporosis.

Diet is very important to bone development. Calcium is the most critical mineral for bone mass. Your best sources of calcium are milk and other dairy products, green vegetables, and calcium-enriched products.

Your doctor may also want you to take a calcium supplement, often combined with vitamin D. Vitamin D helps your body absorb calcium and other minerals. It is found in eggs, salmon, sardines, swordfish, and some fish oils. It is added to milk and can be taken in calcium and vitamin supplements. In addition to what you take in from food, your body makes vitamin D in response to sunlight.

Exercise is important in maintaining strong bones, because bone forms in response to stress. Weight-bearing exercises such as walking, hiking, and dancing are all good choices. Adding exercise with light weights or elastic bands can help the bones in the upper body. Talk to your doctor or a physical therapist about starting an exercise program.

In addition to diet and exercise, quitting smoking and avoiding excessive use of alcohol and cola will also reduce your risk of bone loss.

There are medicines available to treat bone thinning, but these are more commonly used if you have progressed past osteopenia to the more serious condition of osteoporosis. Medicines that may be used for osteopenia include bisphosphonates, raloxifene, and hormone replacement. For more information on these medicines, see the topic Osteoporosis.

How can osteopenia be prevented?

Whether you will tend to develop osteopenia is, in part, already determined. Things like whether you have any family members who have had osteoporosis or osteopenia, whether you have chronic asthma that requires you to take steroids, and how much calcium and vitamin D you got while you were growing up are beyond your control now. But if you are a young adult or if you are raising children, there are things you can do to help develop strong bones and help slow down osteopenia and prevent osteoporosis.

Your bones don't reach their greatest density until you are about 30 years old, so for children and people younger than 30, anything that helps increase bone density will have long-term benefits. To maximize bone density, make sure you get plenty of calcium and vitamin D through your diet and by spending a little time in the sun, get weight-bearing exercise on a regular basis, don't smoke, and avoid cola and excessive alcohol. If you have children, teach them to eat healthy, get regular exercise, and avoid smoking and alcohol. Also, get them to play a little in the sunshine to help their bodies make more vitamin D. Most doctors suggest daily vitamin D supplements for children and teens, starting by age 2 months. Talk with your doctor about how much and what sources of vitamin D are right for your child.

If you're older than 30, it's still not too late to make these lifestyle changes. A balanced diet and regular exercise will help slow the loss of bone density, delay osteopenia, and delay or prevent osteoporosis." (Webmd.com)

shit! so i am suddenly having cravings! the spaghetti noodles smell so good... a new kind fettuccini made of spinach... sounds so good! i love spianch - but i love most veggies! i have to fight this - i just have too! i feel so alone right now... my good friend in the shower getting alone time and crying because she is so sad... i feel so badly for her she is really having a time right now... and of course mia doesnt help and neithr does a non-understanding husband trying to shove food down ur throat all the time... i know im there too... the diff is mine is out of the country right now... im scared of what he will say when he comes home... im scared right now i wont be around when he comes home... that he will be coming home to mourn my death... i do not want that - i want to be happy... i read the posts of my friends on fb and they seem to be so happy and trying for recovery... makes me wonder if they r really happy or if they do like me donning a smile and putting on the happy hat and dancing the facade so noone worries?
sz 2 skinny jeans - they are so big on me but y do i still feel so huge in them?

ME 108 'SKINNY JEANS' SZ 2 - Y DO I STILL FEEL SO HUGE???