triggers - triggers and MORE TRIGGERS!!!

9:07am                                                                                                               MOOD: ANXIOUS

Yesterday was chest pain from who knows what...today is chest tightness from anxiety...brought whole bottle of anti-anxiety meds with me!

Weight 108 grrrr...will it ever go down! So annoyed! Makin chicken gnocchi tonight already bp 1x. Did take my meds this am though!
Ok this is crazy! The anxiety is killin me! My chest is so tight i feel like i cant get a deep breath of air. I do not like this feelin-wish it would go away! Headin into session...stomach a mess of anxiety hope i can make it w/o more b/p today...

1100am now and im leavin session now and my anxiety is thru the roof. Not nec bcuz of session, bcuz of the call i have to wait 4 now and bcuz the triggers r way strong.
Somethin that really bothered me was when i went to bed lastnight i was pre-meditating my b/p time for today...i tried to erase that. Hope i will fight it...

I know i need to fight em but im honestly right now not sure i want to or that i can...
I really do feel very alone in this regardless of what people i have for support. I have a team - a wonderful team but somehow need to find it in me - not others to do this... I guess the real ? is how do i not feel so alone? And to this i have no answer...

so i had a pretty decent session, i mean i talked and i received feedback and i heard and tried to absorb what was said to me. i know she is 'right' but at the same time...

so she made the dreaded call - she says its not really all that im makin it to be... its not just that its also my horrible phone phobia, to go along with having to do the whole intake whether phone or in person - i think in person will be harder for this though... so i hope i can push the phobia aside when they call me back...

waiting for Gupta to call still... i wish i knew the equivalent for the iron supp although today i do feel a little more energetic... as far as the weight goes... well it was 108 this am but after b/p 2x i weighed (still dressed) and it said 109 so i am wondering if it made it to 107? im just scared to strip and weigh with all the water ive been drinking now for fear the trigger will be more than it already is... im just going to go by what it said this am and tomorrow i will know once i weigh in the am... it doesnt mean i wont weigh again today - of course i will i already know that... but im going to weigh dressed again so its not as triggering as long as its not over 109 then i know im ok still...

as far as the goals go... well this week i know i didnt really work on making them... in fact i rather was an epic failure in that area... however what im really nervous about is the dam fact that i wont be able to lose anymore weight... if i dont achieve this what will it entail? i can try to not lose more - but in the realm of all things - i dont think i can realistically say i just wont lose more... ive been trying for so long to just make it to a goal that makes me feel good... makes me happy and that i can see as small... Diane (my therapist (T)) keeps saying that i wont find a number like that... its part of the ed... idk though i guess i just keep trying and trying and so far i havent proved anyone wrong but myself!

so i friended a really good friend to my fb account... i really like her and i know she cares about me... my concern is whether she will find my fb too scarey with the bluntness and honesty and whether additional stuff will be divulged to people im not trying to share with? i dont think she would purposefully do that - but i do worry simply because i know she worries about me, my health and my family...

my T told me today that everytime i get in the vehicle to drive i put evveryone in my family at risk - whether it be at risk for their safety or whether it be the risk of losing me... i realize and i do know she is right but at the same time i just find this is so fu*king hard to just give up... idky i am having such a time with it... i suppose it must be like this for most people who are torn between full relapse and recovery? wanting to recover is just not enough - u have to really fight for it and i know that...

i am fighting but i feel like im just running out of the fight? i feel like giving up? i told her that i feel like taking the whole dam bottle of anti-anxiety meds... she said i better not and i told her i wont, but honestly - i am contemplating? y? because the simple way to just give this up - is just to give up and get out... and the only way to really do that is well, to just let it take me and not care anymore...

the only problem with THIS method is i am not a quitter and i hate defeat... being defeated is almost worse than living with the ed... so for today i am still here and not taking the pills... maybe tomorrow - but not today...

another thing that is really, really bothering me is the fact when i purged lastnight - there was blood...did it stop me? no. i kept going until i knew everything was up... it scared me to death - but i just couldnt stop?... then today i ate some chicken salad wrap for lunch (hm mde) and then i purged and again there was blood... it scared me and i know something is wrong but im not sure what? idk where the blood is from - my throat or my stomach... i need to find some strength to just not eat so that w/e it is can heal but @ the same time  - its just not really an option...

my husband is giving me such confusing messages i have no idea what to think or feel anymore? he tells me im losing too much weight, getting too thin, meed foam rubber for my hips so i dont kill someone; then he turns and tells me how great i look and how "sexy" my body is...wtf??? what am i supposed to think? i have no idea and i really feel so trapped... im alone and just wish that one of my good friends was here and we could really talk and maybe i could get myself on track and find my path and add a little light to it so i dont stumble or fall as much...

645pm
Im frustrated and a lil 'sickly' pleased? I weighed and im still @ 109...that means maybe in the mornin will be 107ish? I hope! I need to make 105 fast! i am really pushin however for 100 or less but runnin outta time. Hoping tomorrow i find my strength to stop bp and maybe fast. its my baby's b-day makin him tacos for dinner and a cake... I promised him the tacos - thats his favorite food and a cake well cuz its his b-day duh! i cant believe he will be 12! he is growing up so fast and im not sure im ready for that!