i hate new days sometimes!!

8-15-2011                                                                                               MOOD: tired, disappointed
(8am)

Ok so y right? Well i b/p 3x yesterday then to add to the matter i got drunk. Yep i did. I know its gonna bite me in the ass...oh well...I just wanted to drink and YES to relax AND forget...was it the wrong thing to do? Idk i just wanted to so i did...i know i didnt need/have to so... Does that make it different than my regular binge drinking? Idk...i mean it was a choice i made...i didnt just decide impulsively - i debated it all day...

Idk though because it was after dinner weight that helped me make my final decision... i have to contemplate this more and try to figure it out...

Weight today? Idk as im still in bed...

(1:30pm)
Ok so i finally weighed and this has been a long bad day so far...anyway 109.2! Whoot whoot! Im getting there! (ya i know its not the attitude for recovery but it still makes me feel better - today).
The best part is im doing it w/o lax! I also know it was prob more around the 108 before i b/p but like i said its been a long rough one so far...hoping to be strong the rest of the day. So sleepy & cold...
My skin is all bluish purple too...i dont like it, never noticed before @ this weight but w/e i just wanna be thin...

So i just saw my case manager lets see, 240ish, anyway...she was like im sure noone is worried about whether u get to exercise or not right now...blah blah - i care!!! Y cant ppl understand that gaining weight is a)not what i want, and b) not healthy w/o exercise. i dont want to be fat HELLO! Gaining w/o exercise is just fat!

Its starting to rain, im supposed to cook dinner but honestly dont even want to AND my stomach is so terribly acidy again its killin me... When i b/p earlier there was so much acid it was nasty and burned my mouth too...im scare...i dont think i will ever be able to stop purging if this keeps up... I dont want to keep purging. I feel sort of trapped like i have to just to make it thru the day bcuz of the burning, pain and discomfort. not sure watz worse?

600pm...frustrated, triggered, craving, failed

Feeling EXTREMELY huge, fat, disgusting, obese, nasty- need i say more? I wish i could like me, but alas - no.

I want to drink again tonight, put myself outside my body, mind, my person. I want to relax, be free, not c what i c and c something else...i dont want to b me

Will i drink tonight? Probably yes since i already have it made in the fridge ready to drink. idk if it will backfire and cause gain - if it does it will b hell

I found my new blades hidden in a cabinet today... a sign they were waiting for me...i could use some fresh blood right now the same as many use cigarettes...

Give me the high and the relaxed, calming relieved feeling...i could use it right now...should not have eaten dinner...weight is up to 110.2 and im not happy...

Im sure getting drunk, puking my guts up and physical time with hubby will bring it down...not sure about ANAD tomorrow...triggering and feel like a trigger...

I think im off to read a bit...then time to P A R T YYY!!!