MOOD: depressed, sad, alone, tired
it is now 2:25pm and i recently woke from a short nap. i am still so very exhausted and that short nap just made it worse.... so let me back up a bit...
i woke this am at 8am... i was still tired but i just couldnt sleep... i got out the bed around 910 ish as my hubby was just getting home from his 24hr shift... i decided to b/p and try to feel better - the acid in my stomach had me cranky and in a turmoil.... so i did... i ate some cottage cheese with raisins, cinnamon and splenda, then i had some yogurt with graham crackers. next i decided to have a bagel with pb... i was so stuffed i went in and just bent over - it all came up in a rush like an overfilled water balloon ... it was such a relief to be empty and to rid myself of the acid that had been burning me inside so badly...
i went upstairs - quietly, shuffled into the bathroom, closed and locked the door and started the shower.... i quickly stripped and weighed then i heard a knock on the door. shit! i guess i wasnt quiet enough as my husband was standing there and i said i was taking a shower because i was freezing, he said ok he would be in in a minute... yes - we do normally shower together, i guess its just a h/w thing idk... sometimes im ok with it and sometimes i just want to be alone and hide, but he was gone all day/night yesterday so i didnt mind... he got in the shower and held me for a bit... thats ok - at least he wasnt standing there staring at my ugly - huge - naked self! he got out because the water was making him to hot - i sat down a bit and just soaked the water streaming from the shower faucet - it felt so good to have the warmth running over my icy self...i was so cold my nails were , my skin nearly a see through white and hubby had said not to touch him again until they were warm - lol! anyway, i had a cramp in my side and it was realy weird - dont like when i get those feelings, i have enough crap going on i do not need to have added issues...
so i turned the water off and climbed out the shower...slowly i dried, peed again, then weighed - yes AGAIN...ok so u want to know wha it said right??? well it ws down only a tad - but down is down! 110.4... maybe tomorrow i will hit that 110 or even 109!
now it was time to dress so i did... i just felt so tired i didnt want to do anything... i looked at the clock and it was about 11am... i didnt want to walk even down the stairs... so tired and i know part of the issue is i didnt take any meds... my stomach hurts and i just need to let it have a break from the meds and stuff i think... idk - i just need the pains to go away! so iholler downstairs and ask my husband if he is going to sleep and he says maybe he doesnt know right now... i said ok and walked back to the bed and fell onto my pillow...next thing i know my husband walks in and asks if i was hiding... i was like no - just tired so i had layed down a few minutes... when i glanced at the clock i was surprised to see it said 1245 - wow where did the time go! i guess i must really have been tired! for me sleeping in the day anymore is a challenge unless im exhausted...
he lay with me for a minute then asks if i want the fan on... i said no ill be down in a few minutes... i closed my eyes - just fo a second, or so i thought... but when i looked at the clock again - yep the time had sped past again and it was 210! wow! time was speeding past and i didnt even know!
i got up, came downstairs and everything seemed in slow motion as well as was all blury... i felt like i just couldnt shake the grog and i was tryingto focus but it just wasnt happening! i went into the kitchen and made a shaker of sugar free hawaiian punch and then got the rice started for the enchilada dinner tonight... i came to the table and sat down exhausted... my heart was racing, stomach flaming and the room fuzzy and blurry and itjust wasnt making any sense... i dont know what is wrong or why i feel like this - it needs to stop!
i switched to my deskchair and turned on the laptop.. it was only 'sleeping' so only took a few seconds to load... i logged into my account here and listened to a vlog update from my "friend" who has deleted me from her life - but i still care so i still keep myself updated with her success/failures...then i started writing...
i just needed to write and get the fog lifted... i also went through all yesterdays posts and merged them... thats the only thing i dont like about the phone posts - they dont merge... so it makes tons of posts and sometimes it breaks them in the middle and they dont mak much sense... i was going to merge the oter days too but some of those had some comments so i just left as they were...
now im sitting here trying to finish this writing, i dont want hubby to see and will probably print it out later to staple in the journal... sometimes trying to write in the journal is just too much so putting it on the computer is easier and i can just staple it in...
oh! i cant believe i forgot this! so yesterday i was scanning through my phone and idk how but somehow i came across my really good friend's # in Colorado... now i had been calling and leaving messages with her husband but she never had called back so i asumed she just didnt want anything to do with me anymore... this made me really sad as we had been nearly inseperable when i was in my 1st treatment program EDC- Denver... well i was shocked when my phone rang and i looked at the id and it was her! of course i answered and we talked over an hr! apparently her soon to be ex-husband had not told her id been calling so she never even knew! also she has been in recovery for about 1.5yrs! yay! sooooo happy for her! this was so positive and it made me feel so good to know she is doing so well, is completely happy and is loving her recovery...maybe this gives me a little hope for myself too...
this friend, she is a really really good one... she doesnt judge and she doesnt bs... she tells me what i need to hear - whether harsh or not... we are 100% accountble and honest with each other and maybe this will help me get on and stay on track... idk but it lifted that sense of alone and sadness just a little...i also then texted her some pics of my fam... she wanted one of me but well that didnt happen as i didnt have any on my phone... i will prob send myself some pics from the laptop and then i can text em to her...
so ok well....here is my shirt i got the other day from the thrift store - i love it!
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