just another weekend day...

MOOD: uncomfortable, depressed, alone, TRIGGERED, fighting, feels like crying.

Woke today - early, 4am. Im so tired and so triggered! Dam stomach jst wanna bp!
Purge all that acid and physically get relief - emotionally be numb... i cant. Its not allowed and honestly - does it help? Not really except 4 a min or 2... Right now what i need the most is the physical relief and im not getting it...not sure how long ill hold up this fight... 1x cant hurt???

F*ck me! Ok so now 905am and i just got out the shower after caving to mia. The stomach acid was rippin me apart and i felt no other option... @ 1st felt better - no acid burning, then it got worse again. Im having so much stomach pain! I just took 3 tums EX 750 each and its barely touching the 'fire'... took meds even iron - the new one from whole foods. my stomach was better after purging 4 about 15min then bad again. W/the other iron usually bad right away...

I dont wanna 'speak ' too soon but im feeling a slight dulling to the stomach burning...PLEASE GOD! I need a break from this pain! If stopping the behaviors of mia is so hard and so painful...y should i even try? Idk whats even on the side w/o ED so how do i know its worth it???

Ok so i forgot to post...weight is 110.6 STILL! Its driving me bonkers but @ least hasnt gone up! Also im afraid bcuz i know antacids can cause constipation... I dont think i can handle that right now! Have enough discomfort and pain! For now though...just sticking with avoiding mia is my big goal...less than 3x a day but im trying to get to 0x a day- if the acid ever stops!

12 noon...im a failure - again...i just cant handle the acid in my stomach! Got done b/p and weight still 110.8 hope tomorrow for 109 or less...need 2 w/o 2day...

320pm...not doin so well. I have bp 3x already and if i do dinner will b @ least 4x. I dont wanna eat dinner, but shit it gets this acid and burning up...

scale still puts me @ the same i was this am its up .4lbs which im sure is water... idk what im gonna do, and my T wants me to go to sexual abuse group. No thnx... Id rather just keep it in a box under a blanket on the shelf of my mind...just act like it never happened...

Anyway...a better note...nope no better note sorry...horrid day...horrid acid...horrid pain and just wanna make this end already...