09 Aug 2011
MOOD: FUCK ME – I am T-R-I-G-G-E-R-E-D!!!
ANNOYED, IRRITATED, FRUSTRATED, PISSED – OFF, FIGHTING
so today i woke up triggered as hell but i am trying so hard to fight it. i have been doing things to keep me busy - a lot with food to tempt myself but not cave in… so far i have only had water - yay!
well i have my weight still the same - 111 and its pissing me off BIG TIME but its my own fault for bp 3x yesterday and the day before... grrr.... i have my ANAD meeting tonight - i need to and have to go... im not looking forward to it as i didnt go last week and i feel like im not doing enough to try and stop the behaviors even though i am giving my all...
for example: this am i had decided to go ahead and b/p but then as i was dressing and thinking about it - i just decided to fight as long and much as i can… idk but hubby works late and i will be gone before he gets here... i made dinner and its in the fridge already, made lunch for the boys for tomorrow already too since i have addictions therapy with G. White @ 12:30pm... friday is my therapist. i tried to call and get a sooner appt - for tonight but unless she gets a cancellation it wont happen so friday is the soonest i can then go... ugh...
i feel very triggered right now i really want to and am craving to b/p... my boys are fighting and nagging and arguing and well - that triggers the living shit out of me! knowing i have some dry stir fry veggies with keilbasa in the fridge, some mac ‘n cheese and some boiled hotdogs for their lunch tomorrow, plus stuff for wraps - well just doesnt help!
i wish we had some ice so i could make an iced cup of Hawaiian punch but the ice maker is being very retarded! i finally made some ice in ice trays in the mini-fridge - but they are not yet ready either... hate waiting so much!
hubby came home for lunch a bit ago and i made for him some of the stir fried veggies and rice - he had 2 bowls so must have been good! my boys wanted ramen - so thats what they had... me i just drank my water...
so last week was really bad with hubby - especially thursday and friday... we actually went to bed on thursday without even talking and i felt the hot behind my eyes like i needed to cry but didnt and wouldnt - as well as couldnt... i wouldnt because i didnt want him to see he had hurt me so badly with his words...i really was wishing for an appt with Diane but I hadn’t gotten a call Thursday then my son got hurt. She called me when I had gotten done at patient first for his leg and he had to go to the Dr in the am on Friday which meant I could not take her noon opening – plus they had therapy at 130 and then dental checkups at 4…
wednesday with G. well that wasnt so great either... i did as i was told by Diane, and told him about my binge drinking episodes lately - well i got beaten up one side and down the other... its ok though - i can handle it and ive had worse... what upset me though was when he said i was walking around at such a "low weight that you look anorexic"... this frustrated me for a few reasons:
1) my weight is NOT that low
2) i do not look "anorexic" to me
3) i dont want people to think i am "anorexic", "sick", or "have health problems". its just so frustrating!
Thursday my son hurt his knee really badly, as I mentioned above, and i had to take to the patient first... well he got an immobilizer and crutches and an appt with his Dr at the base in the am... well Friday comes and i take him to the appt - he sprained some tendon and may have ripped his meniscus (sp?), or ACL... just GRAND... crutches till next thursday then bring him back to ortho. and re-xray as well as re-examine and see what is going on... ugh - its going to be LONG week!
over the weekend he nagged and argued about laying down, elevating and icing - but he lost anyway and did as expected... now today he is really driving me nuts with his " i can walk fine - i dont need the crutches anymore - my knee doesnt hurt now" grrrrr! maybe not now but all he needs to do is tweak it just the wrong way and permanently damage it! so the battle continues and i cant wait for thursday to get here!
so now lets see...right now i am fighting with mia BIG TIME! i am trying so hard to not cave and b/p... i know if i eat anything it will ruin the day so i just cant have anything... i made some sugar free jello - i hope i will be able to make that a safe food soon as it is 5-10cals a serving... i have miracle noodles which have 0 cals and then maybe some other low cal non-carb food... i have to have at least 3 foods which r "safe foods" that i can eat and not purge... right now - i need those foods to be the lowest in cals/carbs that i can manage... i may choose the protein shakes bcuz if i make them with water or black coffee they are only 55cals and 0 carbs/sugars...
i hate having to make food "safe" especially when the thought scares the hell out of me! i just dont understand why my old safe foods arent safe anymore... my safe foods from before were negative/0 cal foods to begin with so they should still be safe! They aren’t supposed to make me gain - and with having a 0 cal/neg cal balance shouldnt allow for maintenance either... idk - i guess im just scared to accept it...i guess we will see how it goes...
i need to get to the store and get some more cheese and some keilbasa but i just really dont feel like going at all! i really dont feel like taking my sons to their bowling either - but they earned it and are so looking forward to it - i have to take them... guess maybe ill hit the store after i drop the off and 2 hrs without them - well it sounds kind of peaceful except ill have my middle who cant bowl cuz of his knee... blah!!!
i took my boys to bowling and they r there now, my middle is home playing his xbox game online with some friends. i de-skinned the chicken and put in for baking, i also put the groceries away that i got at the commissary while i was out. Now well im just trying to let the time pass so i can go pick the other 2 up from the bowling alley and get their dinner hot again and served up… so far well all i have had is the water and Hawaiian punch. Made the jello and i was going to have some but my stomach flopped and I sort of freaked out… its dumb i know but all i could hear and see in my head was me ballooning up tonight from eating that and keeping it down. If i am able i may try to have a protein shake later – but for now – yikes i just don’t think I can do it…
i really do want some safe foods – the problem is that well i am scared shitless those foods wont actually be safe… im not sure how to convince myself otherwise either as so far when i eat – i gain! i keep looking and looking at the different food options, but my stomach flips and my mind is racing so fast, the voices start shouting louder and there is no room for anything else in my head…walk away from the food – leave the kitchen, don’t inhale or touch and everything will be OK…realistic? probably no but i feel safer and i feel better if i just do what im told and don’t argue with the mind-games…
i feel like no matter what i do the mind-games never stop…im always fighting one way or another to try and not do one thing or another – whether it be to not b/p, purge or restrict – it doesn’t matter im fighting and the battles are not only endless but exhausting…i really just need a break from it all…this is when ii start craving alcohol again…the feeling of freedom and flying from my thoughts and just life in general…i don’t think i will cave as i have too much going on tonight with the ANAD and all that stuff…it’s a long drive so i cant drink anyway but i REALLY wish i could and that i had the stuff to do so with…
well it is now time to head out and get my other 2 boys… guess i really am trying to write a book seeing as this is typed – probably would have used the rest of my journal pages! printing this out then well – guess ill be heading out…will write more later while waiting to go into the ANAD meeting i think – i usually do to help keep me from having too bad of an anxiety attack…since well ii didn’t go last week – i assume the anxiety is going to be even worse as it is already
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5:36pm
ugh guess im out for now...gotta find something to do so i dont b/p...
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