day 3 didnt happen...

so day 3 just didnt happen... i got up at oh 620ish to get the boys ready and off to the bus as usual... i forgot the tea bags upstairs and quite frankly i was too tired to go back up andget them or even to care for that matter... figured id just do it when i got up after laying back down... so ya i took them to the bus then came and went back to bed... i planned to get up fairl early and get my homework done and then idk maybe go to the gym or somethng - didnt quite work that way... nope... i got up and bp on steamed squash with cheese... hen i got online and a little later bp again same thing and also some eggs with cheese - which i couldnt even finish... later i ended up having pizza and m &ms grrr... dmn mia really got me today! so ya thats about all i wanna blog tonight not much in the mood to say anything else... im taking lax in a bit - this has got to stop... i cant keep bp like this so tired of it yet feel like i HAVE to do it...in order to survive...

day 2 but not so day 2...

today i started out exhausted... came home from taking the boys to the bus and layed down - just for a minute... well i woke to find it was 11! omg i had so much to do and now ill bever get it done in time! grrrr hate being tired! so i rushed to get my tea drank and took a quick shower, washed up shaved, washed - hair u know the quick basics and got out... well came to the computer missed my hubby and my friend on here this am grrr... ok rush down make the lemonade drink - it takse so long to peel these lemons! i look at the clock going on 1230 i have 30minutes till i gotta leave to get my son... feeling rushed here... quick as i can get the lemons peeled - a little short on the juice but thats i have so will have to be enough... i am already feeling triggered - i dont think im gonna make it again today... damn it! im gonna fight i gotta at least try!
ok everything is ready... reset the password on my phone for yahoo and its working good! i grab all my stuff and a snack for my son - he has therapy today so i gotta go get him from school early... i head out the door and get in the van well on my way... i have my text will try to read while he is in session.. just then 3 people logged onto yahoo and started messaging me... cool - i can always use conversation!
got to the school grabbed my son and left... got to his appt 3min late - grrrr - HATE being late! even 3min is bad! oh well... i had to pee so bad and they had the door to the entrance leading to the bathroom locked! oh lord help me hold it! i made it to the bathroom...then waited in the lobby for his therapist to come... talking to 2 friends and hubby... got out my text and tried to read... not so successfu my mind just kept wandering to bp... grrr make it go away already! my son came out and i went back to discuss some of the stuff with her then we made a new appt and left... on the way we stopped at olive garden where i bp on salad, soup, bread sticks and some pasta - damn it! we went next to sams - i got ome ice cream... i needed to make sure i got all the other stuff up so had to keep putting something in... i ate the ice cream and purged some before we left... then i ate some cookies on the way home... came upstairs and purged till i had to sit down... weighed - good where i was this am... oh lord - i need to binge again! damn it! yep this was the cycle all night... fuck me! ok so i am not happy AT ALL with the way today went... to make it worse? i didnt get my homework done - i have no focus at all... there is no way i can do this tonight ive been tryingto do it since i got home between eating and purging... ok so today was a royal fuck up... tomorrow i have the lemons and im going to start over... i know i can do this - i CAN! i CAN!  i CAN!
ok that being said - i am a fat cow and m littl cow chain here she reminds me of that when i push her buttons... just make her moo at me to remind me of the cow i am... idk maybe she will help maybe she will hurt - i do not care right now i just have to make this work!
the only positive thing today? 117.6... hopefully my bp today didnt screw that back up!

NIGHT.

master cleanse day one...

1020am...
so i woke this morning with a new mind frame... i am GOING to be successful! ok... so i keep saying im going to do smethng and then in the end i fail - NOT this time! i am doing the master cleanse detox with a friend... i made my tea when i got up this am and then drank it while i was out buying my drink container and lemons and a notebook my son needs for school... when i got home i went straight in and made the lemonade drink... i AM doing this! so i came back up to my room it was 830am by then... i took my one oep and then logged onto the computer... i started to read threads on fgg but then got my tea so i could finish it... all done yay! now to make myself drink the lemonade... i tried this cleanse once before but i was doing it alone and i never could get myself to drink the lemonade... well i am doing with my friend and i feel much more confident i can and WILL do this! at least 10days - thats te initial goal... people have reported losing upwards of 20lbs in 14 days with this so we will see how it goes!

i got up this am and STILL stuck at 118lbs... so annoying! i know it is probably something to do with working out yesterday so much... unfortunately exercise has the opposite effect i like - i gain when i workout... i guess it is the muscle mass building well i dont want more weight damn it! i want to workout so the weight come off but i want to workout so i ca be in shape healthy and toned...grrrr...
i gotta call my husbands grandmother some time today... i need to do my interview for my class... it was supposed to be done by today i just have NOT been able to get myself to call! i just dont wanna talk on the phone so i have put it off and now it isnt done... i told my team ill have it by friday so i have a little time... i also need to read my text this week! i will read it - i WILL! i also ordered 2 books for me to read - they will help motivate me as i do this cleanse i think... the cleanse is actually for a few different reasons... one to lose weight - duh... but also because it detoxes and cleanses the body of anything in there... well i had some meat the other day - im not proud of that, but as a result my body reacted negatively nd my face broke out... this cleanse should get rid of any remaining nasty stuff and help me to start fresh when im ready... my plan though is to go to the vegan protein shakes when im done with this detox... i just wanna see how long i can go for supposed to be safe up to 40 days so who knows? the lnger the better as it gets me further and further away from mia...

ok so its 230pm...
so far im doing ok... i am very triggered right now by mia to bp...so far i am winning this battle - self determination and motivation and a friend to help along the way! i am not giving up this battle without a strong fight... i really need to get myself in order and getrid of mia... i feel i can live pretty healthy with ana as long as i am careful but u know one thing at a time...
i was talking to hubby...he didnt have much to say... i felt a sense of depression... that makes things so rough... i hate when he is depressed... now i also have to go to the store and do NOT feel up to it.. no choice really... i gotta get some tp, cheese and some more lemons... either there or sams and i really am not up for driving to sams today... right now i will just settle to be successful with day one and then see what tomorrow brings...
my boys r due home any minute... i feel quite exhausted but i know i can do this... i feel i need a nap but im afraid to as it may result in no sleeping tonight which is bad - very bad... that could lead to a huge bp which means i break the cleanse... nope not happening... i will try to hold out staying awake as long as i can and then eventually sleep will take over... when it does am ready...

idk what i feel tonight...im numb...

hmmm... well the feelings have been purged out today and tonight i am just numb... i dont really feel anything... well physically i am exhausted... i went to the gymn and did the bike for 20minutes then went to zumba for an hr then back to the bike for 25min... on the bike i burned 350cals... i was going a slow speed and my knee was killing me so i went as long as i could then had to stop... grrrr... hate my body so much! it just doesnt work with me!
so i have decided for tonight no lax... i pray its not a big mistake... i ended up purging 3x today which although still too many is deffinately way better than it has been over the past week... i just hope i can be strong tomorrow... i want to get up and go to the gymn during the day and do the bike for a while... i wont do a strenuous workout just something and it will keep me away from food!
so after my gymn workout my legs are sore and like rubber and now my stomach hurts but idk if its from the workout or the purging... grrrrr.... wish i knw so i could be happy about the pain!
i have ben having a lot of physical signs of problems from this damn eating disorder (i wonder sometimes if it is in fact a disorder or just issues...)...anyway like constant tiredness and dizzy spells... times where i will see little silver things floating all around then things slowly go all black and i find myself stumbling to catch my balance or leaning on a wall to keep from falling out.. ths last purge i did was one of the worst in a while in that i thought for sure i was going to pass out... i was falling i could feel it and i was afraid i wasnt going to be able to old myself up but i managed to lean on the wall and counter enough, i stayed upright and still conscious... i am just waiting for the day i passout again or worse - have another seizure...

so in hopes of no blackouts and no seizures i post the above pictures! i wanted to find something that listed like signs and symptoms of an oncoming seizure but i couldnt find anything... oh well...
so my weight today STILL STUCK at 118! i wish it would stop this nonsense and go DOWN already!
i have the worst headache right now... it is pounding... like i took lax but didnt... its the same type of headache i get after taking them before they work... i really hate that headache!
so last few times ive taken the lax i not only got he headaches, i felt like an insomniac - i could not go to sleep even when i tried... then adding to that was this weird feeling like my blood was bubbling... it felt like the blood in my boddy was bubbling and vibrating in my veins it woke me the few times i was able to dose off and it was really weird feeling... idk im just giving my body a break from the lax tonight... will see if it is worth it or if i pay the price and gain tomorrow... either way - my body needed a break i guess... my therapist used to tell me i need to learn to listen to my body - well this is as much listening as im doing... i need to lose this weight then maybe ill pay more attention to what it says!

I LOVE TO WORKOUT JUST WISH THESE MACHINES WERENT SO DAMN BORING!

YAY! SO I FINALLY FOUND A LIST OF THE TYPES OF SEIZURES!

HMMMM... WONDER IF HE FOUND ANY GOLD IN THERE!

HOLDING THE WEIGHT OF THE WORLD ON MY SHOULDERS...

a new day... a new week???

1pm...
well so far today ana has been very good to me and kept mia at bay... im not feeling the cravings or even feeling like eating... i think the depression setting in has helped with that - guess thats the good thng with depression... works for us or against us... im hoping mia doesnt get ahold of me when i go to the gym today... im sort of worried as that is often a trigger especially if i get physically weak while im there...
my weight is fucking pissing me off today... it just wont go down... im trying this fast and if it fails maybe i can fall back to abc... idk but something has GOT to work... my mind cant handle these fiucking mind games anymore!
so i got my grade for my assignment... i worked really hard on that and im so frustrated - i swear there is no pleasing this professor! i lost 9 points out of 120! i am so not happy with this! i feel like the worlds worst writer now.... if i cant write a paper that is college level and acceptable then why on earth am i even trying? at the same time though i cant just give up - what am i showing my kids if i do that?

750 pm...

well it seems mia was able to get her fucking mind games back into play this afternoon...grrrr... actually im ok with it this time....y? because i am planning a fast / abc tomorrow with a few friends of mine... i kind of made today my last day allowed to fuck up...i mean i am going all out tomorrow and the rest of this week... alone? oh well - i feed it with ana's help and make myself start to slowly disappear...

i saw my hubby on skype today - it was really nice... idk if he thinks ive lost or maintained - he didnt say anything - probably cuz the boys were right here and thats fine with me... i dont ant him to say anything or to notice... the less he worries the better - he just needs to stay safe...

so for now... i feel... um i think numb? i dont realy have anything to say, i dont feel anything except ready to take my lax!

OK THIS IS JUST AWESOME!

feeling lost and alone...

sometimes the shit life throws my way is just way more than i can or am willing to handle. i think this past week has been a perfect example of my inability to cope with things. some things i am aware and others i have no idea - i just go into m autopilot mode and do what i always have - it works. well now im sick of it. its not working. im geting irritated with myself. i hate living this way. i hate feeling dirty and sick all the time. i despise going into a resteraunt because i know i wont be using their toilet for the most common method. instead my face will be meeting and dating the toilet. with water probably splashing up and hoping it doesnt hit my face - thats so gross. lucky for me i am a pretty quiet purger so in part with that there is usually little to no splashback. still i despise that i have to toilet date. i really want to stop. they say in order for it to work u have to want it bad enough. well how fucking bad do i need to want it to make it work!i wake every morning with the full intentions that that day will be different and yet it goes exactly the same or worse. i am just so tired of this and i have no fight left in me. this week i have completely succombed to mia. i know this and i really hope i find some strength somewhere to fight her and not give her my life this upcoming week and in my future. it is ana's hand who i wsh to hold close right now. she is so much safer and not so disgusting. she doesnt make me smell or date misc toilets. i feel like i am mia's date whore - i hate it.
so this is more of a random vent right now. iam juts feeling so lost in all this and so very alone. i know im not alone - not really. i have ana friends some who i chat with online and others i text. we all struggle in our own ways with one or two really struggling like me with mia. they get what im going through and i so appreciate their support but tonight, the depression is here and i feel so very alone. im so ready for the day to be over. im drinking lax now and i will wake later to their torture - but i am prepared. i welcome that pain. it is something besides sadness and aloneness...
i really want to go back to my therapist i wish the dr would just lift the recommendation so i could go back - she wont. i am going to be alone forever now i think. it is something i have to just get used to. this is where alot of my sadness is coming from tonight. a lot of where the trigger to just give in to mia. she is wearing my body down. destroying my body, my mind- my soul. i ahve very little left. i have no focus no motivation. when i purge i am getting dizzy and often have to hold the counter or side bar to keep from falling over.
this morning at the farmers market i got all dizzy and nauseated - everything started to go black and i was interupted by the lady asking if i was ok did i need to sit down? i said i was ok and we left. went to the resteraunt where i binged on eggs and salad and purged 3x. we left went to the military store on base and i tried to purge some more in their bathroo - making sure i got it all and i had. then we bought what we needed and went to the comissary. the place was packed. i was so irritated - i hate shopping anyway but all these people just made it worse! we got what we needed then had to wait in the line... people go so slow sometimes it seems they have no concern for others. i was really getting annoyed finally it was our turn...got done paying and we left. came home and wanted to go to the gym - well the 2pm class isnt on sat - its on sunday grrr.... ok so we r going tomorrow. no big deal  had homework to finish anyway...well mia decided she wasnt done with me yet... i dont even know how many times i bp today - it seemed like that is all i did besides my assignment. at least i finally got the assinment done. i just wish i wasnt bp so mcuh - i have this massive headache from it... its only geting worse... i finally took a potassium supplement earlier - idk igf it even absorbed or if i ended up prging it out... i think it was in for a bit but ive purged so much since i took it - probably gone now... im such a waste of times, space and breath... i really sometimes just wish i would fall asleep and not wake... the problem with this is there is noone here right now for my boys so this cant happen just yet... i am afraid the way things r going i wont make it to the end of the yr and although i dont mind the thought of leaving, it hurts me to think i will be. in addition it scares me that someone else will need to take care of my boys - those are MY babies and i love and live for them... i dont want someone else having them... this means i have got to find some fight to be able to stick around or just let go... the ast thing my therapist said to me was 'dont give up mrs. susan im not giving up on u. i believe in u and that u can beat this' if she believed so much why wont she see me now? why cant i find it in me to not give up? why has everyone else given up on me? y cant i see whatever it is she sees so i can get better? so i can beat this - whatever it is thats making me go back over and over? why cant i  be fixed?

DEPRESSION HURTS...I HATE IT

THIS IS HOW I FEEL ALL THE TIME...

WHEN WILL I FEEL BETTER? WHEN WILL I ESCAPE THE SLAVERY I AM BOUND TOO AND LIVE TO BE HAPPY RATHER THAN LIVE TO DIE?

and the cravings continue...

so it is 130pm...
and so far ive drank very little and eaten nothing... helps i slept till 1130... well then at some point idk what time - i had to pee so i got up... a little alarmed there is blood in my urine... hoping was a fluke or somethig and just goes away... i do NOT want to go back to the dr...grrr... so of course the fear is a huge trigger for me and im fighting the HUGE cravings to go to olive garden... wish i had just gone there yesterday instead of settling for golden coral... these cravings wouldnt be s bad now i dont think... oh well whats done is done now... i want to go to zumba tonight so i really hope the blood was nothing.. if i do go to the dr at least now it has to be the er - there wont be any open appts at the clinic now it too late in the day and they close at 4pm...
so my weight - grrr... almost the same up a tad 116... i hate up! i dont want up - i want DOWN! so i am fighint these cravings...talking to a friend who is fasting with me online and another texting... together i think we can pull through we just have to really fight... the hardest is mia in the back of my mind fuckng with me... freaking me out making me afraid of everything... telling me the only way to make me feel better is to give in and bp... im going to keep fighting this - i really hope i can be strong... i probably need to drink something - just afraid to put anything into my mouth - will lead to a damn bp session again...
im starting to feel a little worried - i am having some pains in my lower left side - front and back... damn i realy hope its not a damn infection! i cant handle that right now - talk about weight gain! everytime i get a damn infection it makes me have to get flids and medication through iv and then in addition i tmakes the body retain so i gain a TON of weight! i cant handle that right now - physically or emotionally! so im sitting here reading my class threads and chatting with my friends - mia nagging at the back of the mind and trying not to worry or cave... so to help with that i have been watching a youtube clip - here is the link... u will not be hungry after u watch this!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FIBbH8e8rMM

YOUR STOMACH SHOULD NOT ALMOST TOUCH UR ANKLES!



grrr comcast really pisses me off!

430pm...
so yesterday i was not able to get back online after the internet went down at 430pm! i was working on my assignment got it done and still no internet! great - how on earth am i going to submit this! i was so triggered i ended up bp f*ck mia - why des she always have to be there when thing are rough... oh well i suppose its beter than the alternative - getting fat!i would much rather live holding mia's hand than be fat - nope not gonna be fat again!
so now it is tuesday.... the day started fairly well although i was super groggy and really just wanted to sleep the day away.. grr cant - have to take care of the boys and get them off to school... 650 and i get them on the bus, return home and go back to bed... i set the alarm for 830 so i could get showered and dressed and to the hospital in time for my dr visit... damn - i hate going to the dr! the alarm goes off and i just wanna hit that snooze but i dont... instead i roll out of the bed and make my way to the bathroom to shower - hopefully it wakes me up...i undress first and weigh - 115.8lbs yay! finally going down... uh-oh better water log though idk what the dr will do if it is that low again... i get in the steaming water and wash my hair and condition and then wash up... oh what the hell - i decide to sit down for a few - im so exhausted... i finally get out and rush to get dressed in time and drive to the hospital - good thing it is like 5 min from my house to their office... i check in and then the waiting... grrr i hate this part it always sets my nerves to wreck!
finally! the nurse calls me back to do vitals... my dr comes in to talk to the nurse about another patient and oh boy did i get a look! man she must know ive lost and water logged! crap! the nurse does the blood pressure and temp then hands me the gown and leaves... man i am really nervous what this scale will say! i undress and stand on the scale - 117...good... i put the gown on and open the door so the nurse can come weigh me.. 117.8 with gown - 117 without i tell her... i dont let them weigh me without the gown but i will before they gown weigh and tell what it says... so far so good they dont know i have water logged today...
i quickly change and then i am led to the room and i sit and wait... about 7-10min later my dr comes in and says so whats going on? whas going on? i wanted to scream at her! im here because she has me recommended for inpatient and it is one of the only ways to keep my fat ass out! grrrr! she says great protein came up, still very anemic, supplements have the potassium and magnesium up... u r at very high risk for seuzure and heart attack or cardiac arrest... u r putting ur kids at risk...(damn always gotta dd the guilt trips!) lets look at the weight... uve dropped 4lbs... not supposed to be going down (yeah right!)... r u still b/p? how many times a day? a week? blah blah... grrr... im thinking will this ever end?
i ask when will u lift the recommendation? my labs r better... she says the labs are better for now because i reduced the purging and they are supplementing... when my weight goes up, labs are good and im off supplements she will lift the recommendation! grrr... what if i do everything but gain the weight? oh u will gain - u have too... ur body cant function right at this weight this is proof in the labs... thats y they are so bad right now... ur behaviors and ur weight... NO! i am NOT gaining it back! im going to lose more - i dont care - she wont know till i go back in a little over a month anyway...ill get off the supplements - i only take them right before my labs anyway... and i will stop the b/p... ill show her my weight can be lower and not have those behaviors! i refuse to get fat again! so i left from my appt after having explained a lot of stuff to me to include y my cycle was only 2 days - my weight is affecting it - duh - i already knew this but w/e... let her explain anyway to make her feel useful i guess...
i made my way down to my case managers office and talked to her for a bit... she was all like r u ready to look for a new therapist now? one that Diane recommended? i said no. im not going to another one. i either go back to her or im not going - period. i dont care - im not starting over. im sick of starting over and being given up on. so screw em all - ill be alone and not deal with my shit... i dont care... better to just stuff it all away anyway - dont deal with it i didnt happen and doesnt matter - right?
i left and dove straight to golden coral and b/p... i left from there to the dollartree where i got some cookies and some magnesium citrate lax... then i came home... i was so exhausted - i really wanted to nap... but hubby was online waiting for me so i got online instead...
the tiredness is finally starting to wear off... good - the boys r home from school now... i need to bp - so i do on ramen with a roll... ugh i am so full time to empty... all done - wtf? why is my weight so high now? idk - it has to be all the liquid ive had - all that water logging! im sure it will go down but just in case i get some water pills... i cant let this weight come back... i worked to hard to get rid of it!

PLEASE SAVE ME FROM MYSELF!!!

emotionally i feel a wreck... alone... i have a great friend online to chat with and another few through fb and on my texting... it helps but i still feel alone... i know part of it is the depression from the bipolar... part is also from losing my therapist... she was a big part of my life - i felt i was moving forward with the crap that happened to me as a kid...now ill just shove it down like i did before and live on like nothing happened... life must goon unless it ends...

645pm...
well it has been one hell of a day.. i managed to bp again on te rest of the ramen i had made with some peanuts and honey... then i made spaghetti for the boys - i had a big bowl full of the noodles with some garlic salt and butter on it... then purged... im drinking my dieters tea now, took some metabolift and next is the 2 lax... i am going to make this weight come off - and be off for good! tomorrow is the zumba in the evening - i hope i will have the energy t go i really need to and want too...i wish we could go to the MA classes- i just dont have the extra $ right now for the new Do Boks... if we could use our old ones would have been cool... oh well... thats $100 i gotta come up with so will just have to wait...
grrr - i am so flipping dizzy right now... im sure it is from the purgin... idk y - my weight has gone up from the bp and stuff today - totally NOT happy... this regemin tonight should bet me back down and i am planning to fast with a group of other women... hopefully we all stay strong! i will have to find something to do with myself to keep me from bp -even if all i do is take silly online quizzes and surveys all day - i dont care so long as i am able to stop eating and not bp!
so here goes for tonight - my tea is gone, im ready to get the lax - they should be cold by now...

 GO TO THE GYMN INSTEAD OF STUFFING UR FAT ASS FACE OR ELSE U WILL END UP LIKE HER!!!

i hate mondays...

715 am...morning already?
mondays are the worst day because it is the first day i have to get up super early to get the boys ready for school! not that it matters much i barely slept at all lastnight... i ended up with 2 boys in the bed - 1 on either side... to begin with my youngest couldnt sleep so he came in my bed then a few hours later my middle came in from having a nightmare... so there i was - smack in the middle again... i had to pee it was a hassle getting up! grrrrr... oh well - i know they need the security so i dont mind...
so back to lastnight... well the internet went down - i got frustrated and caved into mia! damn bitch! i cant believe i let her win! i had almost made it! it was 1030... i went downstairs got 3 rolls with a slice of cheese each, and got some peanuts in a bowl and covered with honey... mix well - they are sweet and salty that way... grrr.... my stomach was so full i barely made it to the bathroom and it all came up without water - in about 10seconds or less... i love that freshly emptied feeling - so at that exact second it was great! a few minutes later however i was pissed! i still cant believe i bp! i raced up to my bathroom and stripped and weighed - good weight back down...
this morning i weighed - no change whew! that bp didnt effect my weight in a bad way - just made so i didnt lose more... well better to maintain than to gain! so i can STILL feel the lax from sat in my guts... feels like they didnt completely leave - have that nasty gurggling feeling in the lower gut and i can hear the noises... so i made a HUGE 32 oz tumbler of coffee and drank almost all of it! shortly after - yep i was in the bathroom and the lax and coffee together doing their job - yay! so im emptying out some more... i think maybe not eating and then purging what i did eat up made so the lax didnt completely leave my body... i think they will today...
so i am about to go back to bed... i took my effexor - ill take the oep when i get up later.. otherwise my heart feels like it is racing and pounding when i try to relax and i wont get back to sleep... id like a couple hours then my mom should be calling and i can hopefully figure out this genogram for my class!

I JUST THINK THIS IS FUNNY!

HMMM I CANT QUITE GET IN YET :(



1030 am...

i just got out of the shower... i was trying to sleep but the damn maintanence for the base is doing all the yard work - mowing, weedeaters etc... so annoying! im feeling quite triggered right now because my stomach is nauseated and im really shakey - like low blood sugar shakey... i hate that feeling. i am hoping it just goes away because otherwise it normally leads to bp and i am not going there... im really going to make this fast today... i dont want to give in and have to take lax tonight...

i cant do my assignment because i still dont have the information which is also a trigger for me... yes i waited till yesterday but i would have had plenty of time to complete the assignment if i started it lastnight... now im worried i wont get it done in time...

we are reading about ed's in my text too - i didnt know because i hadnt even looked at the chapters this week... grrr i gotta stop waiting... now there is like 200pages to be read... i dont undestand y i am having such a time getting into this class reading? i mean this has always been my goal - to get my degree in psychology... i think i may be burned out from school? idk... it could be i mean i have been going nonstop since sept of 2006... i really enjoyed my summer off from it but i just cant seem to get back into it even though i was really looking forward to this class... it could also be i guess, the crap that has been going on with my life lately - it doesnt help thats for sure... not knowing from one week to the next whether i will be a free woman or locked in an ed faciltiy...



SOMETHING TO KEEP IN MIND...

well it is a sunny morning - outside...

1150 am...
idk it must be warm - it looks lovely! i have this assignment to do i still have yet to start... but thats ok... going to the gymn in a bit taking the text with me and will read while on the bike... doing another fast today - so far so good... i HAVE to ake sure i am drinking though! if i dont drink i cant flush out the body... i am just so afraid to let anything in my mouth or it will turn into a freaking b/p!
well i weighed this am and i was SO happy! i lost more! i am at 116.4 now WHOOT!! WHOOT!! idk what my goal is but i know the lower i get the closer i am!

been having a lot of dizziness lately... im sre it was from the purging yesterday - 3x... not good especially after 2 days of strict fasting... hopefully te fasting gets easier now... like i sad - today so far im not even craving... i havent been downstairs yet though either - thats the bad place... thats where the kitchen is and thats where it gets to be a challenge... tonight i think im going to grill burgers for the boys - that will not tempt me seeing as i dont eat meat...its the other stuff that gets me - like the veggies i make for them... cutting the tomatoes and onions and heating the corn on the cob (i already cooked it in advance) and the squash and stuff... thats where i get weak... but i feel strong right now so i am sure i can do this...the numbers going down have helped me today i think... ill post a pic of me again soon... but for now...

OK THIS IS JUST AWESOME! SO WISH I WERE THAT FLEXIBLE AND THIN!

FOR TODAY MY MOUTH IS GLUED SHUT...

AND THIS IS THE GOAL...

so here goes for the rest of today!

well lets see 545pm...

so far so good! i am fighting big time right now though... i dont want to cave and i am really trying not too... a huge thing fr me is this homework assignment... i gott call my mom and get info from her on my family... it is always a huge trigger fo me to talk to my mom... i guess there are a few reasons why but i know part of it is she always brings things up and i cant do anything to help and it just sets me off... i feel so useless...then thereis the fact that her weight triggers me - but im that way with about everyone... mostly i think it is because we just dont have a really strong relationship, she feels guilty and it comes across when we talk... plus she feels like her grandkids lives are being taken from her because she cant see them - i really cant help that either... so yeah, i guess there are plenty of reasons why it is so hard for me to talk to her...

so my boys go back to school tomorrow... good they need something to do lol! just kidding... i love them being here with me... i especially like when we talk its nice we have that bond...i do like when they are ins chool though because they learn and then when they come home and tell me everything all excited - i just love that! little sponges!

so my shoulders are still sore and so is my lower back... i also have pains in my ribs still to the touch... grrr... ive noticed my knees are sore when they rub together - time to get that body pillow out so i dont get so many bruises! at least it is nearly fall so it will begin to cool off... people wont look at me so funny when im wearing th big clothes and the layers... i hate when people look at me like r u cazy! i cant help it! im cold and i dont like people to see me - i hate my fat body! even now ive lost so much weight i still dont like to show my body but i wear a little moe fitting clothes... only because toooooo big is really suspicious and people begin to question the bigness...

something really bothering me lately is the hairloss though... i mean it is BAD... i can comb my hair and there is tons comes out...then get in the shower and just get wet or wash and condition and the drain is clogged... it really bad... my husband says i lose more hair than the cats! my hair is getting so thin... i am afraid im starting to really go bald...my hair has been the only thing on my body i even slightly like... now it is going away too...

oh well i guess..

so i am going to keep fighting this urge to bp i really hope i can be strong...its 6pm now... im going to bed early - hopefully around 8... maybe that will help keep me from it... means i gotta make 2 more hours...

THIS IS THE GOAL!!!

well now it is 630...

called my mom and she isnt home... she finally got visitation with my neice and nephew - 1st time since like june... she sounded so happy... she didnt have the info i needed though and is going to call me back in the morning... oh well...

so i went and did 150 crunches... i think ill do some more in a bit... thats all i could do at one time though...so i am happy she was able to see my neice and nephew... its a long story but for now their dad has custody of them... there were some allegations a while back made against himso i really hope it wasnt true - those babies could be suffering and i cant do anything about it...

been in my room all day today except when i went to grill the dinner for the boys... i know i am neglecting them by not being down there... i feel so guilty but i just cant be near that kitchen! i call them up and talk to them every now and again so at leas we are having some interaction... i know how important it is... plus they can come up and watch tv in my room too and they know that... they are playing their computers right now though... they love those games that haveto do with war... they have to make the armies and battle and stuff... gess that comes with having an army dad!

actually sort of frustrated she didnt have the info for me... not her fault she didnt know i needed it - duh... but i just finally got the nerve up to call so now im frustrated... its my own fault... oh well...

im getting so irritate with his internet too! it keeps disconnecting! that is totally stressful and triggering for me! i hate it! i am on here trying to blog or taking with a friend and it disconnects! i get irritated and immediately i go to the kitchen! grrrrr! well NOT TODAY! i dont care how many times it disconnects me  im not caving in! i think its mia playing her fucking head games with me and i refuse to let her win!

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN U CAVE IN!

THUNDER-THIGHS AND BIG ASS!

well it is now 8pm...

i made anoter day of fasting... yay! it has been one hell of a struggle and right now i still want to bp but im not going too... ive always had this thing about eating after 430pm so idky i am even craving right now... im just drinking some sugar free lemonade and chatting online with a friend... having an online friend really helps me not cave in... especially when i make myself accountable with her...it also helps keep my mind from needing to wander off onwhen i can bp next...

so i have this headache trying to impose upon me, in addition that tightness is back in my chest and i feel like there are bricks just being piled higher and higher... i hate this feeling... it is such a trigger for me... i know if i bp it will go away... i also know though, that if i dont cave eventually it WILL go away - i just have tos tay strong... ugh it is just so hard...

another issue im having is i keep thinking about olive garden... grrrr... i want to bp there on soup and salad... im worried about going to the gymn tomorrow because it is right across the street... idk if i can be strong enough to not cave... i hope i can... i may skip the am zumba to make sure... idk we will see... besides i have to wait for my mom to call and give me the info i need to do my assignment... hope i get it in time otherwise it will be late - thats a 10% penatly per day... plus any points i may lose anyway.... ugh - oh well... procrastination - it has bitten my ass hard tonight! OUCH!

I MUST REMEMBER THIS!!!

so now it is 1015pm...

and i cant believe i am so wired and awake! i didnt even take the last dose of oep... by the time i realized - it was already too late... my goal was to go to bed EARLY so i didnt have to deal with life for a while... unfortunately bipolar disorder has a different idea... it says hmmm wanna play games huh? ill show u games! lets let mia fuck ur mind for a while - see how  like it! well shit! y cant it just be ana! i get the 'highs' from not eating just as i do from b/p y dos it matter! im in a really snappy mood and my lower back hurts... it doesnt help matters... my son is in here sleeping and i think i might have to get off soon - the light seems to be bothering him... grrrr i hope when i do ill be strong enought to not cave... normally not a night binger so this is getting rediculous... my therapist told me before that the body will go into auto mode if it gets hungry enough - thats what makes us binge... thats when we have no cotrol and we cant do anything about it - its nature... well FUCK NATURE THEN! i dont want to eat - i dont want to binge and i dont want to purge! im so tired of everything and anything food related! i wish it would all just go away! i dont get y i need to eat anyway - its a waste of time and money...



so tired of the failures... and then some...

well it is 1130 am...
i am just so tired of failing... i made it 2 days with absolutely NOTHING. i barely was able to get myself to drink enough each day and food was just not an option... well i took my effexor this a but have to wait a little whil after to take the oep i dont want side effects if there are any... so i went to the farmers market and then had to go to the grocery store... big mistake! the smel of the fresh bread and fruits and veggies thy all got me... i dont know y... i dont even LIKE food - i hate it... ive said it before - i only eat it to make myself purge to sheer emptiness... well i bought these rolls like a ferccoshia bread sort of have bits of cheese baked into them and some other stuff of course... i bought some happy cow(i think?) cheese wedges...35 cals per wedge - not bad... then it got worse... i bought donuts and cookies - oatmeal rasin... i came home and ate some of the rolls finished the donuts with my boys and a few of the cookies... i was so disgusted i purged till my throat was raw... now i just disgusted and exausted... i took the oep and i think im down for a nap right quick before trying to deal with all the farmers market stuff...my body is do tired... my hear is spinning and im so dizzy...yeah i think some rest is a good idea...

MAY NOT BE PERFECT - BUT I WILL BE AS PERFECT AS I CAN GET!

ok so its like 245pm now... after that bp i layed down and fell asleep... it was good to rest - got a whole hour! i got up and came to the computer and hubby was online so we talked for a bit... then i went downstairs and gutted and clened 3 butternut squash - in the oven baking now... cleaned and cut a water melon and the BIGGEST honey dew melon i have ever seen - lol! i also cut up broccoli - my son wanted it for a snack! an 11 yr old wanting broccoli for a snack thats funny! anyway - i also cleaned the spianch and put in a new container and reorganized the fridge - never any room left after farmers market morning! oh and i put the apples, apple-pears and peaches in the mini fridge where the boys can get them easily...

as for this am weight check - i lost 1/2 a lb... 2 days of nothing and thats all i lost... a little disappointing but its better than a gain! so i am down to 118 now and i really hope this weight goes down some before tuesday... my goal is nothing else today but idk... im not feeling so strong with ana right now and i really dont want to cave in... part of it is the chest pains... i cant stand this... my chest feels so tight - like i cant breath in deep... i feel like i am having to take these shallow breathes just to get any air... a good thing though - my under ribs arent hurting today... thank goodness - that was aweful and so uncomfortable! however, the ribs to the touch are extremely tender idk y... i guess ill say something to the dr on tuesday if they arent better... i mean it hurts to even let my arm rest against my side... i have to keep my arms like sort of up on the desk away from my side so it doesnt hurt so much...
another good thing - zumba lastnight... although i was exhausted as i posted before - i made it through! now this am my shoulders and upper back are slightly sore - im glad... sore means the muscles got a workout and they arent used to it... cant wait to go again on monday!

DEAR GOD - PLEASE DONT LET ME EVER BE THAT SIZE!

so procrastination? yep thats me here as of late! i have an assignment due today from a chapter in my text -not even looked at it yet! on top of that my genogram is due on monday and i barely downloaded the software this am... ugh - oh well i know ill get it done eventually!

I DONT WANT THAT MUCH WORK! MAYBE I SHOULD GET STARTED!!!

so 740pm...

im such a lard ass - so weak! i caved 2x more! i ended up bp with the squash and some eggs with cheese... later i had ramen and 2 apples and some oatmeal cookies (small idk they are like 100cals for 2)... still way too much and i purged both times... cant believe i caved like that! im planning to fast tomorrow... i really hope ill be able to do it...i am sure i can ana wil help me through... just gotta stay busy! im also planning to take some lax tonight... this will hopefully help me to not want to eat!

well procrastination only has a small handle on me now! ive finished my work for today and i just have my genogram to do which is do on monday so i should be ok for now...

PUT THAT DOWN AND GO TO THE GYMN!