736 pm mentally exhausted physically full of energy!

ok so my day started really early and really bad! i had cramps all night and thought oh great my period early? well it was but nit really early... it only last half a day on the 5th of nov and then again a few days later i had a little spotting i thought maybe i was lucky oh well...
so i got up and got dressed to take the boys to the bus stop this am...before i took them though i measured the chia seeds and ground em in the coffee grinder and mixed em with some water and sugar free orange koolaid... it got thick and was kind of like a gelatin liquid drink - i like it... anyway then i took the boys to the bus came home and layed down to try to sleep... i only slept an hr - i just couldnt sleep so got up, showered and went to the gymn... i did the bike for a bit then i went to the zumba class then back to the bike... in all i burned 900 cals there!
i went to gnc to look for kelp tablets - they were sold out so i will keep checking... came home changed into grungies, made coffee, made a bleach bottle and a to-do list and got busy cleaning... by the time i started it was 1230 - i stopped at 430 to go to the gymn again... a friend looked up the cals for me for cleaning i burned about 800 cals (i came home and cleaned another 45 min after the 4hrs she looked up which was 780 cals so i added 20)... thats 1700 cals burned so far!
i went to the gymn and did the elliptical cross trainer and then to another zumba class in all i burned another 750 cals tonight! add that to the 1700 and lets see...thats 2450 burned! yay! and guess what else? NO MIA! NO CRAVINGS! im not hungry either! i am so pleased with today! i got tons done and burned tons of calories - i am hoping this is a good thing and that mia is finally pushed to the shadows and ana is back in control! tomorrow i already have my to-do list ready and i already ground the chia seeds so just have to add to my drink in the morning... 2 days to go till the cravings should be completely gone... ill be fasting except the chia seeds - i dont count them though as they are like a supplement of protein, iron, omega 3, boost the metabolism and regulate blood sugar as well as help nails and hair grow and be healthy and strong - cant go wrong with those! oh and not to mention they are known for their huge boosts with energy! yes!
so right now i am feeling pretty good... focused even - not resorting to mia has left me more focused... i feel like reading but idk i may wait until tomorrow... the goal after a quick rest in the am is to head to the gymn for a while then back to cleaning as i did today... i find if i am no where near the food it is not quite so tempting... although today i didnt feel tempted today i even made a coffee and didnt drink it... i will tomorrow thoug i really want it but i wont drink now as it is too late and i wanna sleep tonight... coffee with no food might keep me awake longer than im willing. no pics for todays blog - i dont feel like looking for any - but i can safely say today was a huge success - finally!

ok so let me fill u in...

well i guess i should start with going back to just after the 4th...lets see it was a few things in the weeks after - there were book fairs at the boys schools and i was working there - well volunteering i guess... anyway the week of the 18th was the most eventful...

This is a wall decoration i made at the book fair with one other mom... it is actually about 6' high and about 20' long! it takes the entire hallway next to the library at the middle school!

the 17th i saw my psych dr who scared me to death...she asked me why i was not already in the hospital? i told her i refused to go... she said she doesnt know what the hospital will do for me except put a central tube down my throat or give me a peg tube - NO THANK YOU! i told her fuck no! im not going and im not getting another fucking tube! she said come back in 3 months unless i need something before that - i can come anytime if i need to...w/e...
the next day was my oldest sons birthday - happy birthday hunny - you are 15 now!

well i took my boys to school today as i was going to the 'muffins for moms' breakfast at the school with my youngest... turns out we had so many moms there, he had already eaten donuts for his brothers bday at home he didnt wanna wait in that LONG line - so he just went to class... i went in and worked in the bookfair it was packed! we made over $2062 that 45 min breakfast time! needless to say we were a little BUSY!

so i left out soon as i could as i had a dr appt - yes the dreaded dr! dear God help me! i was afraid that the psych dr would call her and they would have me admitted while i was there or something - but i went anyway... i get there and i get the look... crap i already know and im pissed - my labs came back NOT good and i know im probably in a lot of trouble... i wish i knew HOW much she can actually do to me and how much power she really has? well she gets my weight and is pleased - it went up about alb since last time - she doesnt know i water logged at the bookstore though! anyway so she then looks at the labs and she says what is going on? why are the labs bad again? i proceed to tell her ive had a bad few weeks of bp and just didnt do the protein shakes - what she doesnt know is i havent done those in over a month... i just felt like i was wasting the money since i wouldnt keep em down anyway... she says well u need to start drinking them gain...

i also had a bone density test done after my last appt... she said i need to do some light weight training to strengthen the bones and take calcium and vit d supps to keep them from being so easy to break - lovely i hate taking these damn things! she looks at my container for my iron supps and says it shoudl not even be considered a supp! it only has 18mg of iron in a tablet and a REGULAR supp for iron has 375mg! GRRRR! maybe thats y they idnt help! so frustrating as they were exspensive! she really likes the vegan magnesium though said that was a really good supp i got as well as the ginger for digestion and the other stuff i had oh and she liked my calcium chews from gnc - better than a pill and absorbed immediately... at least i did something right! so i made some cake for my sons bday for his sleepover tomorrow(the day after his bay we celebrated)... they had spaghetti tonight...

On friday night - the day after his bday, we celebrated with cake and a friend stayed over - they didnt go to bed untol 330am! geeze and they kept me up half the night not to mention the lax i took...ugh i was so tired and sick that weekend - it was aweful... oh well he had fun and thats all i cared about... he was happy too... so skipping ahead to this past week - ugh it was aweful! the thanksgiving holiday has totally killed me! i have way fallen off the vegan and vegetarian wagon not to mention left ana in the shadows... it has been bad... i could not seem to stop craving ham and bp constantly... i mean i was purging then stuffing then purging then stuffing... there was really no break between what i was doing and it was horrible... lots of diet soda i drank and i gained more and more each day... i knew it was the soda but the cravings were so bad it didnt matter... so i just kept going... the more i tried to stop the harder it got... i was so distraught... i was dizzy, tired, and lightheaded... a few times at the bookfair i almost passed out had to hold the tables to keep from falling over or hitting the floor... i did not like it... i also felt so fat it just didnt help...
thanksgiving is over - i have bp so mcuh on all the foods we were like out of everything in this house! i went to the store and spent $230 yesterday on groceries and made almost another feast but no turkey just ham and other goodies... i also experimented and made a new soup: curry and kale - not a good idea, the kids didnt like it i thought it was ok but not my fav, oh well... i also made a new mac and cheese dish my friend sent me the recipe for... i pretty much followed the recipe but i made way more than it called for... so we had leftovers... my middle and youngest tore it up my oldest didnt like it at all... he said i just like my noodles with the cheese - not all the fancy added stuff... oh well...

i baked my first turkey this year! usually it is my husband does the turkey i do the rest!

so then i finished my paper which had been due wed , and finally submitted it and went to bed... i got up this am and my weight has come down from fridays horrible 129 to now 123... it will continue to fall i hope...  i got up took my meds and thought i could ignore the cravings... it didnt work... i bp on stuff from my mini feast and then got online to do my hw... i took another of my meds thinking i prob purged it up... after a bit the cravings got too big but this time all i wanted was liquid? so i drank juice and drank more juice then i purged and then showered... after i showered i made the chia seeds in the coffee grinder and put them in the water bottle with the sugar free koolaid and mixed it up... supposedly these seends expand 9x their size and fill u up for a long time... in addition they are really good for u and give u loads of energy... i am hoping i am done with mia and food for today and forever... we will see what happens right?

so a while after i posted this i ended up bp again ugh... my throat is so sore today its aweful... i am hoping to sleep the day away tomorrow then maybe get some housework done... my new class starts tuesday so monday is a freeday for me...

let the party begin!

ok so the past few days have been really shitty! seems i have NO control over my hands and my mouth - none! all i seem to be able to do is shovel crap in as fast as possible (which is still slow for me as im a slow eater!) so i can puke it all out as fast as possible... i hate that i am doing this... that i am feeling like i deserve the pains... i wish i would just stop already!
so the pains i was having in my chest have gone for today - im not sure if this is good or bad - i dont even know what was causing them i am glad to not have them now though as they were really painful...
so i had a paper due for my clas - yesterday! i thought it was due tomorrow and have not even done it - i have 126/1250 words done so far! i dont understand what I am writing on to be honest and it makes it so much harder to do! i am hoping that the instructor will respond soon and help me by explaining what on earth i am trying to write about!

fuck me and this life im tired of fighting...

i think i have officially given up? i feel like i have an esophogial tear and it hurts like hell to put anything in or out through my mouth and throat yet i keep going... wtf is wrong with me! i think mia is so strong right now and as much as i fight and try i just cant get away from her - she just seems to get stronger and stronger and i dont know what to do anymore...