I know its the fu*kin prozac but it helps with the b/p so i guess i suffer either way- both make me feel miserable...one only lasts a few days though vs yrs...

I hate this weight. I hate being a humunga - saurus - rex... a giganta-saurus... i lost my P b4 for 2 yrs and my weight was higher wish would go again!

948am MOOD: depressed, in pain emotionally and physically, drained... weight 106...
Cramps r bad. Sick of this. Think its the meds y else would P still come?

Just wearing scrubbies to keep hidden just so i can deal with staying in my own skin today...

My hair is falling out in clumps, might be bald soon. Have a cold sore-doesnt help the self esteem view any. My clothes probably dont fit-so huge...

Im not a good person -quite the opposite i fear. When mia is around a different person appears. I dont know who i am. Im not inside myself. I want to run away..

Feel like it really is not worth the struggles or the fight, like nothing i do is ever right. The only thing worth doing is giving up - there is no light.

I hate the way im feeling today. I hate whenever i feel this way. Sometimes it lasts for days, sometimes a few hours. Id rather be numb than feel like this.

I would today admit myself for the way i feel if i could but it is not an option. Cutting is in the schedule for today. Idk if i will delete it or not.

Wish the power was wrkin so i could log in and fully journal. Dont feel like physically writting but i need to talk. Im alone. No one gets me. i dont get me.

Mia been outta control. I got my fucking period-cramps r deathly. Im irritated and frustrated. Depressed n just feel like hiding n 2day i can.

MOOD: disgusted, depressed, huge and many more... 8am
hav 2 keep this short. We hav no power. Limited to cell usage n battery half dead again. We r all safe tho

Well ugh...so far goal has failed but the day is still starting right? 9:19am...

Im awake bcuz hubby forgot his phone and a soldier texted him - it woke me up...ill weigh in later...

This is going to be difficult as ive not held anything but water or tea down for months. Im still in bed hoping to fall asleep as i was awake almost all night

I plan to have iced coffee/protein shakes and try to not purge.

7:07am MOOD: tired, determined
So today i have set a few goals im going to work hard to keep. I will take am meds. If i feel like b/p ill chew some gum.

If im able to keep even 1 down thats a huge sucess

Goal for tomorrow: chew gum, no b/p drink 3 protein shakes or coffees (55) cals or less each

Never figured id lose that much in my hands! Its just WEIRD!

615pm
Sumthin thats really botherin me is the fact @ this weight my rings keep tryin to fall off...i do not wanna lose them!

an EARTHQUAKE in VIRGINIA???!!!

5pm (8-28-2011)                                            MOOD: DISGUSTED, FRUSTRATED, ANXIOUS
today started out with a weight of 107.6 STILL. Then the day got even worse… i woke early to make breakfast for the hubby and boys – ended up b/p on it so they would leave me alone about not eating. then well that was a mistake to begin with but i did take my am meds after and then headed out to take care of some stuff.

my middle son and i first went to walmart and got my hubby a new alarm clock (his finally broke after like 15yrs!) and then i went to tmobile to see about an upgrade on my phone and find out about my sons phone issues. Then we returned home for lunch with hubby before we did anything else.

after he left – we left to go take care of some other things to include tmobile again as we had to trouble shoot with his phone which we didn’t have the first time we went. while we were there we had quite the adventure! it was discovered my phone was on an old sims card – this meant for the phone to really work well it needed the updated sims card – no charge for that so it was switching over all my information. suddenly – this weird loud noise from nowhere and the signs and everything including the floor and seats began to shake. i asked – what is that? the guy who was helping me says idk – probably an earthquake, he chuckled then said just kidding. I said really – what is that? he says idk then people start running from the building and he says out the building it really is an earthquake! omg- im like freaking out now and trying to stay calm at the same time. i have only my middle son with me, my other 2 had stayed home alone – i knew they were probably freaking out and I couldn’t call them! because my phone was still transferring the information from one card to the next and we hadn’t replaced it into the phone – my phone had no service and my sons doesn’t work right now!

after about 5min or so we were able to go back inside… the guy helping us was dizzy as were my son and i – probably from the shaking is what we all assume…finally everything is transferred and we head home… half way out the driveway my phone finally has service and i get a message in all CAPS from my oldest saying “PICK UP THE FREAKIN PHONE!” i knew he was scared, i texted back i was trying to call – it wasn’t going through since he was texting… then I called again and he answered. he was really upset and was like why is the house shaking… apparently the emergency broadcasting still hadn’t sent any information out and our internet wasn’t working! my poor babies! i told him what had happened and that we were on our way home to calm down everything is ok.

so ya – what an experience! i didn’t know they had earthquakes in Virginia!

i get home and for some insane reason I eat and purge AGAIN! im so frustrated! i have no idea why i had to do it again – maybe it was the fear from what had happened and my babies could have been hurt and i wasn’t there to protect them? idk – but it happened, it scared me and im glad its all over… so then i made my way to my room and lay down for a few minutes… my stomach is hurting so i decide to go eat and purge again… but when i get to the kitchen my stomach is queasy and i decide i don’t want anything – so i just had a sip of water and sat at my computer to begin merging journal notes and journaling for today.

i still have to update my different little notebooks and list ways ive tried to work towards recovery… im not sure if i have a lot or not – but i am trying and i am thinking about it… i know when i had a 47cal pop-scicle i tried to reason with myself y it was OK to eat it and keep it down… the reasoning didn’t work – but i did think about it and did want to keep it down, i just couldn’t let it go so it was part of a b/p…

i know i have also given away some of my small jeans so that as time goes on if they didn’t fit they wont be a trigger – i wont know they don’t fit because i don’t have them anymore…

i have been taking my meds and i haven’t drank alcohol all week…even though some days i REALLY wanted too – i didn’t, i gave my word i wouldn’t…

i am still waiting on a call from Dr. Gupta about the iron and i never got a return call from the group my T had called during session on Friday. i called my T and left a message to let her know i had not received any call – i think that is part of working towards treatment and recovery for 2 reasons - a) phone phobia and  b) calling about the group.

so, after all this – i have to get ready soon to go get fuel in the van and the drive to ANAD tonight… im not really feeling up to going… my stomach is a mess still, anxiety is really bad after the E/Q today and im super nervous to leave my boys – i know i have to though… so regardless of the anxiety – i am pushing myself to go and will probably have more to add to this tonight or tomorrow…

for now well – i guess im done.

i need a day 're-do' please!

6:17pm (8-22-2011)                                                              MOOD: disappointed, depressed, tired

its early in the evening and im exhausted; my head is throbbing; b/p out of control today; and i forgot meds this am.

i went shopping; ate pizza lunch; later ate chicken pasta for dinner and i b/p on stuff in between until i could purge. my weight today STILL 107.8 grrrr! Oh well at least its not up!

beyond exhaustion today...

4:30pm (8-21-2011)                                                                                            MOOD: exhausted!
i have been on the go all day - yesterday too! and ive ended my evening with a 2mile walk.

today i printed/clipped coupons then headed to walmart. i was there 3 hours walking around checking prices and getting what we needed - we were out of everything! these boys need to go back to school already - cant afford the dam food bill! anyway i was doing good, had only bp 1x… got shakey and felt like i was gonna passout so i bp - again. Ugh now im making dinner. the shoppings done for a few days. i need to relax im so worn out right now! didnt even make it to the gym cuz i took too long at the store…

hopefully we have a decent schedule tomorrow and i can get to the zumba...otherwise ill walk again.
Oh and i forgot to add… my WEIGHT: 107.8

happy birthday to my baby!

4pm                                                                                        MOOD: anxious, hyper-manic, bored

It is now 4pm. 2day my son is 12 i made him a chocolate cake and gettin ready 2 go make tacos. I think ill skip dinner.

Stomach is acidy. ive already purged 3x today just to relieve some acid. 1x was just tea. Not a good day. ive cleaned the house using my 'to-do' list.

Almost everything is done. weight today was 107.6 and thats down so yay! I feel sad and depressed right now. im worried about $. My sis called it was a trigger.

i understand i owe my mom some money, not a lot - but enough. however its none of my sister’s business - especially since she owes our mom over $20,000! mines is less than $500! idk it just irritated me and triggered me that my sister called asking about something regarding what i owe my mom - thats between mom and me - my sister is not included.

Well gotta go get cookin and do some slicin and dicin to get ready for the dinner...hope i can be strong and not eat!

Oh and - 105 this week would b awesome!

triggers - triggers and MORE TRIGGERS!!!

9:07am                                                                                                               MOOD: ANXIOUS

Yesterday was chest pain from who knows what...today is chest tightness from anxiety...brought whole bottle of anti-anxiety meds with me!

Weight 108 grrrr...will it ever go down! So annoyed! Makin chicken gnocchi tonight already bp 1x. Did take my meds this am though!
Ok this is crazy! The anxiety is killin me! My chest is so tight i feel like i cant get a deep breath of air. I do not like this feelin-wish it would go away! Headin into session...stomach a mess of anxiety hope i can make it w/o more b/p today...

1100am now and im leavin session now and my anxiety is thru the roof. Not nec bcuz of session, bcuz of the call i have to wait 4 now and bcuz the triggers r way strong.
Somethin that really bothered me was when i went to bed lastnight i was pre-meditating my b/p time for today...i tried to erase that. Hope i will fight it...

I know i need to fight em but im honestly right now not sure i want to or that i can...
I really do feel very alone in this regardless of what people i have for support. I have a team - a wonderful team but somehow need to find it in me - not others to do this... I guess the real ? is how do i not feel so alone? And to this i have no answer...

so i had a pretty decent session, i mean i talked and i received feedback and i heard and tried to absorb what was said to me. i know she is 'right' but at the same time...

so she made the dreaded call - she says its not really all that im makin it to be... its not just that its also my horrible phone phobia, to go along with having to do the whole intake whether phone or in person - i think in person will be harder for this though... so i hope i can push the phobia aside when they call me back...

waiting for Gupta to call still... i wish i knew the equivalent for the iron supp although today i do feel a little more energetic... as far as the weight goes... well it was 108 this am but after b/p 2x i weighed (still dressed) and it said 109 so i am wondering if it made it to 107? im just scared to strip and weigh with all the water ive been drinking now for fear the trigger will be more than it already is... im just going to go by what it said this am and tomorrow i will know once i weigh in the am... it doesnt mean i wont weigh again today - of course i will i already know that... but im going to weigh dressed again so its not as triggering as long as its not over 109 then i know im ok still...

as far as the goals go... well this week i know i didnt really work on making them... in fact i rather was an epic failure in that area... however what im really nervous about is the dam fact that i wont be able to lose anymore weight... if i dont achieve this what will it entail? i can try to not lose more - but in the realm of all things - i dont think i can realistically say i just wont lose more... ive been trying for so long to just make it to a goal that makes me feel good... makes me happy and that i can see as small... Diane (my therapist (T)) keeps saying that i wont find a number like that... its part of the ed... idk though i guess i just keep trying and trying and so far i havent proved anyone wrong but myself!

so i friended a really good friend to my fb account... i really like her and i know she cares about me... my concern is whether she will find my fb too scarey with the bluntness and honesty and whether additional stuff will be divulged to people im not trying to share with? i dont think she would purposefully do that - but i do worry simply because i know she worries about me, my health and my family...

my T told me today that everytime i get in the vehicle to drive i put evveryone in my family at risk - whether it be at risk for their safety or whether it be the risk of losing me... i realize and i do know she is right but at the same time i just find this is so fu*king hard to just give up... idky i am having such a time with it... i suppose it must be like this for most people who are torn between full relapse and recovery? wanting to recover is just not enough - u have to really fight for it and i know that...

i am fighting but i feel like im just running out of the fight? i feel like giving up? i told her that i feel like taking the whole dam bottle of anti-anxiety meds... she said i better not and i told her i wont, but honestly - i am contemplating? y? because the simple way to just give this up - is just to give up and get out... and the only way to really do that is well, to just let it take me and not care anymore...

the only problem with THIS method is i am not a quitter and i hate defeat... being defeated is almost worse than living with the ed... so for today i am still here and not taking the pills... maybe tomorrow - but not today...

another thing that is really, really bothering me is the fact when i purged lastnight - there was blood...did it stop me? no. i kept going until i knew everything was up... it scared me to death - but i just couldnt stop?... then today i ate some chicken salad wrap for lunch (hm mde) and then i purged and again there was blood... it scared me and i know something is wrong but im not sure what? idk where the blood is from - my throat or my stomach... i need to find some strength to just not eat so that w/e it is can heal but @ the same time  - its just not really an option...

my husband is giving me such confusing messages i have no idea what to think or feel anymore? he tells me im losing too much weight, getting too thin, meed foam rubber for my hips so i dont kill someone; then he turns and tells me how great i look and how "sexy" my body is...wtf??? what am i supposed to think? i have no idea and i really feel so trapped... im alone and just wish that one of my good friends was here and we could really talk and maybe i could get myself on track and find my path and add a little light to it so i dont stumble or fall as much...

645pm
Im frustrated and a lil 'sickly' pleased? I weighed and im still @ 109...that means maybe in the mornin will be 107ish? I hope! I need to make 105 fast! i am really pushin however for 100 or less but runnin outta time. Hoping tomorrow i find my strength to stop bp and maybe fast. its my baby's b-day makin him tacos for dinner and a cake... I promised him the tacos - thats his favorite food and a cake well cuz its his b-day duh! i cant believe he will be 12! he is growing up so fast and im not sure im ready for that!

one a penny two a penny hot cross fail... (tuesday 8-16-2011)

Id like a nap. Dont feel like writing much. Didnt take meds again. Drunk again lastnight. Prob should journal 2morrow but will c. Talked 2 Derenda and S. Aron

Just gotta wait for time 2 pass...maybe i will take a short nap... Oh and hub made me angry lastnight... said i need foam rubber for my hips so they dont kill some 1!

So dont remember if i posted any other updates 2day? has been a long/bad day. Bp 4x now. Feel like shit cuz head poundin. Tired and sittin waitin for ANAD hubs @ wrk...

bout time i merge these posts!

MOOD: irritated, frustrated, afraid
11:10 am

This has not been a good week as far as recovery goes. My behaviors have been bad and ive not written in a dew days... additionally ive not taken most meds - except prozac and iron the past 2 days, and my b/p has been horriblely high #s. Weight is yo-yoing 108-109 and it is really mking me frustrated!

On top of that realization actually hit me yesterday - i have 2 weeks left for this months goals and im not even close. Also agreed no alc for the week...

Aye-ye-ye...im gonna have a long week and hubby off 4day...gonna be truly challenging...

Oh and this tiredness is rediculous! I am so dam exhausted! Idky either feels like ive not slept in days but i know i have been...so wtf? Headaches too r bad... Im hoping this iron starts working for energy again. Ive been taking it again and i am gonna start the rest of meds again - have too! I need energy!

Picked up effexor refill so now i CAN take it and headin to cm to give iron supp label and maybe ask for somethin for stomach again... Then off to try to get some $ some how to make it till payday :(...

I was talking to hubby lastnight and i realized i feel guilty and like im abandoning my boys if i get a job. Also like i will never c them or hub if im working...Now that i am aware of this i guess i have to find a way to deal and manage with it. I need a job for the $ and the time structure to keep me busy... It makes no sense but also makes sense seeing as ive not worked outside the home or w/o my boys since my oldest was born...thats almost 16yrs...

So ive dealt w/anxiety long enuf 2 kno how it feels. 2day my chest hrts not anxiety pain. Its ctr lft pain and breathing makes it worse, also feel out o breath... Makes me feel uncomfortable right now and is causing anxiety!

So im kind of relieved! I got a reimbursment check from the tooth removal that helps a lot! Now im hopin to get a loan @ pawn...

I just need enough to make it through till the 1st then things should be sorted and no more neg balance!

I am feelin so ill right now! Omg i have no idea y either! Such a migraine i feel like vomittin everywhere! I had 2 cups non-sweet tea while out. Now weight up!

Im so pissed what the scale says rgt now but tryin to ignore and know is from tea/water weight. I put $ in bank and got food @ comm then came hm. Cold sweat n all!

I wish some1 would have told me how this life would b when i was 5 i would have made diff choices!

It feels like i traded that weird chest pain for this migraine/stomach ache! I cant win this battle! Im out for the count tonight, just hope i have energy 2 do the printing later...

Now 2 make it worse im having gurggling in my lower gut usually means period time - but if it is then its way early! Dam prozac causin it bout 2 not wanna take it! Dr. Spanier said a lot of Dr's put women who havent been able to conceive on prozac because it does soemthing... well im not havin more kids so it doesnt need to do that!

7:12pm
so i am still extremely nauseated and have no energy... my head is killing me and the headache is odd... it feels like everything is racing then it feels slow motion at the same time? idk its weird...
i took the K a bit ago thinking maye that would help... that was around 3 and this headache is just not going away or getting any better!

hubby is home now, he has to go in part day tomorrow and again part day monday... no matter how challening it might be when he is home a real 4 days off would be nice for once... oh well... used to this shit it never changes just keeps goin like the energizer bunny... guess ill print this now and then maybe try to laydown and get this headache away... deff cant drink since i gave my word although i know it woul help the heaache if nothing else!

i hate new days sometimes!!

8-15-2011                                                                                               MOOD: tired, disappointed
(8am)

Ok so y right? Well i b/p 3x yesterday then to add to the matter i got drunk. Yep i did. I know its gonna bite me in the ass...oh well...I just wanted to drink and YES to relax AND forget...was it the wrong thing to do? Idk i just wanted to so i did...i know i didnt need/have to so... Does that make it different than my regular binge drinking? Idk...i mean it was a choice i made...i didnt just decide impulsively - i debated it all day...

Idk though because it was after dinner weight that helped me make my final decision... i have to contemplate this more and try to figure it out...

Weight today? Idk as im still in bed...

(1:30pm)
Ok so i finally weighed and this has been a long bad day so far...anyway 109.2! Whoot whoot! Im getting there! (ya i know its not the attitude for recovery but it still makes me feel better - today).
The best part is im doing it w/o lax! I also know it was prob more around the 108 before i b/p but like i said its been a long rough one so far...hoping to be strong the rest of the day. So sleepy & cold...
My skin is all bluish purple too...i dont like it, never noticed before @ this weight but w/e i just wanna be thin...

So i just saw my case manager lets see, 240ish, anyway...she was like im sure noone is worried about whether u get to exercise or not right now...blah blah - i care!!! Y cant ppl understand that gaining weight is a)not what i want, and b) not healthy w/o exercise. i dont want to be fat HELLO! Gaining w/o exercise is just fat!

Its starting to rain, im supposed to cook dinner but honestly dont even want to AND my stomach is so terribly acidy again its killin me... When i b/p earlier there was so much acid it was nasty and burned my mouth too...im scare...i dont think i will ever be able to stop purging if this keeps up... I dont want to keep purging. I feel sort of trapped like i have to just to make it thru the day bcuz of the burning, pain and discomfort. not sure watz worse?

600pm...frustrated, triggered, craving, failed

Feeling EXTREMELY huge, fat, disgusting, obese, nasty- need i say more? I wish i could like me, but alas - no.

I want to drink again tonight, put myself outside my body, mind, my person. I want to relax, be free, not c what i c and c something else...i dont want to b me

Will i drink tonight? Probably yes since i already have it made in the fridge ready to drink. idk if it will backfire and cause gain - if it does it will b hell

I found my new blades hidden in a cabinet today... a sign they were waiting for me...i could use some fresh blood right now the same as many use cigarettes...

Give me the high and the relaxed, calming relieved feeling...i could use it right now...should not have eaten dinner...weight is up to 110.2 and im not happy...

Im sure getting drunk, puking my guts up and physical time with hubby will bring it down...not sure about ANAD tomorrow...triggering and feel like a trigger...

I think im off to read a bit...then time to P A R T YYY!!!

stomach acid, acid reflux and mia...does it ever end???

MOOD: depressed, sad, alone, tired

it is now 2:25pm and i recently woke from a short nap. i am still so very exhausted and that short nap just made it worse.... so let me back up a bit...

i woke this am at 8am... i was still tired but i just couldnt sleep... i got out the bed around 910 ish as my hubby was just getting home from his 24hr shift... i decided to b/p and try to feel better - the acid in my stomach had me cranky and in a turmoil.... so i did... i ate some cottage cheese with raisins, cinnamon and splenda, then i had some yogurt with graham crackers. next i decided to have a bagel with pb... i was so stuffed i went in and just bent over - it all came up in a rush like an overfilled  water balloon ... it was such a relief to be empty and to rid myself of the acid that had been burning me inside so badly...

i went upstairs - quietly, shuffled into the bathroom, closed and locked the door and started the shower.... i quickly stripped and weighed then i heard a knock on the door. shit! i guess i wasnt quiet enough as my husband was standing there and i said i was taking a shower because i was freezing, he said ok he would be in in a minute... yes - we do normally shower together, i guess its just a h/w thing idk... sometimes im ok with it and sometimes i just want to be alone and hide, but he was gone all day/night yesterday so i didnt mind... he got in the shower and held me for a bit... thats ok - at least he wasnt standing there staring at my ugly - huge - naked self! he got out because the water was making him to hot - i sat down a bit and just soaked the water streaming from the shower faucet - it felt so good to have the warmth running over my icy self...i was so cold my nails were , my skin nearly a see through white and hubby had said not to touch him again until they were warm - lol! anyway, i had a cramp in my side and it was realy weird - dont like when i get those feelings, i have enough crap going on i do not need to have added issues...

so i turned the water off and climbed out the shower...slowly i dried, peed again, then weighed - yes AGAIN...ok so u want to know wha it said right??? well it ws down only a tad - but down is down! 110.4... maybe tomorrow i will hit that 110 or even 109!

now it was time to dress so i did... i just felt so tired i didnt want to do anything... i looked at the clock and it was about 11am... i didnt want to walk even down the stairs... so tired and i know part of the issue is i didnt take any meds... my stomach hurts and i just need to let it have a break from the meds and stuff i think... idk - i just need the pains to go away! so iholler downstairs and ask my husband if he is going to sleep and he says maybe he doesnt know right now... i said ok and walked back to the bed and fell onto my pillow...next thing i know my husband walks in and asks if i was hiding... i was like no - just tired so i had layed down a few minutes... when i glanced at the clock i was surprised to see it said 1245 - wow where did the time go! i guess i must really have been tired! for me sleeping in the day anymore is a challenge unless im exhausted...

he lay with me for a minute then asks if i want the fan on... i said no ill be down in a few minutes... i closed my eyes - just fo a second, or so i thought... but when i looked at the clock again - yep the time had sped past again and it was 210! wow! time was speeding past and i didnt even know!

i got up, came downstairs and everything seemed in slow motion as well as was all blury... i felt like i just couldnt shake the grog and i was tryingto focus but it just wasnt happening! i went into the kitchen and made a shaker of sugar free hawaiian punch and then got the rice started for the enchilada dinner tonight... i came to the table and sat down exhausted... my heart was racing, stomach flaming and the room fuzzy and blurry and itjust wasnt making any sense... i dont know what is wrong or why i feel like this - it needs to stop!

i switched to my deskchair and turned on the laptop.. it was only 'sleeping' so only took a few seconds to load... i logged into my account here and listened to a vlog update from my "friend" who has deleted me from her life - but i still care so i still keep myself updated with her success/failures...then i started writing...

i just needed to write and get the fog lifted... i also went through all yesterdays posts and merged them... thats the only thing i dont like about the phone posts - they dont merge... so it makes tons of posts and sometimes it breaks them in the middle and they dont mak much sense... i was going to merge the oter days too but some of those had some comments so i just left as they were...

now im sitting here trying to finish this writing, i dont want hubby to see and will probably print it out later to staple in the journal... sometimes trying to write in the journal is just too much so putting it on the computer is easier and i can just staple it in...

oh! i cant believe i forgot this! so yesterday i was scanning through my phone and idk how but somehow i came across my really good friend's # in Colorado... now i had been calling and leaving messages with her husband but she never had called back so i asumed she just didnt want anything to do with me anymore... this made me really sad as we had been nearly inseperable when i was in my 1st treatment program  EDC- Denver... well i was shocked when my phone rang and i looked at the id and it was her! of course i answered and we talked over an hr! apparently her soon to be ex-husband had not told her id been calling so she never even knew! also she has been in recovery for about 1.5yrs! yay! sooooo happy for her! this was so positive and it made me feel so good to know she is doing so well, is completely happy and is loving her recovery...maybe this gives me a little hope for myself too...

this friend, she is a really really good one... she doesnt judge and she doesnt bs... she tells me what i need to hear - whether harsh or not... we are 100% accountble and honest with each other and maybe this will help me get on and stay on track... idk but it lifted that sense of alone and sadness just a little...i also then texted her some pics of my fam... she wanted one of me but well that didnt happen as i didnt have any on my phone... i will prob send myself some pics from the laptop and then i can text em to her...

so ok well....here is my shirt i got the other day from the thrift store - i love it!

I LOVE THIS SHIRT! AND YES THATS ME WEARING IT

(111LBS A FEW DAYS AGO)





im not sure what else i want to or have to say right now... i guess im sort of feelin ummm... idk right now... 306pm and i think ima go for now...ill write more later - maybe...

just another weekend day...

MOOD: uncomfortable, depressed, alone, TRIGGERED, fighting, feels like crying.

Woke today - early, 4am. Im so tired and so triggered! Dam stomach jst wanna bp!
Purge all that acid and physically get relief - emotionally be numb... i cant. Its not allowed and honestly - does it help? Not really except 4 a min or 2... Right now what i need the most is the physical relief and im not getting it...not sure how long ill hold up this fight... 1x cant hurt???

F*ck me! Ok so now 905am and i just got out the shower after caving to mia. The stomach acid was rippin me apart and i felt no other option... @ 1st felt better - no acid burning, then it got worse again. Im having so much stomach pain! I just took 3 tums EX 750 each and its barely touching the 'fire'... took meds even iron - the new one from whole foods. my stomach was better after purging 4 about 15min then bad again. W/the other iron usually bad right away...

I dont wanna 'speak ' too soon but im feeling a slight dulling to the stomach burning...PLEASE GOD! I need a break from this pain! If stopping the behaviors of mia is so hard and so painful...y should i even try? Idk whats even on the side w/o ED so how do i know its worth it???

Ok so i forgot to post...weight is 110.6 STILL! Its driving me bonkers but @ least hasnt gone up! Also im afraid bcuz i know antacids can cause constipation... I dont think i can handle that right now! Have enough discomfort and pain! For now though...just sticking with avoiding mia is my big goal...less than 3x a day but im trying to get to 0x a day- if the acid ever stops!

12 noon...im a failure - again...i just cant handle the acid in my stomach! Got done b/p and weight still 110.8 hope tomorrow for 109 or less...need 2 w/o 2day...

320pm...not doin so well. I have bp 3x already and if i do dinner will b @ least 4x. I dont wanna eat dinner, but shit it gets this acid and burning up...

scale still puts me @ the same i was this am its up .4lbs which im sure is water... idk what im gonna do, and my T wants me to go to sexual abuse group. No thnx... Id rather just keep it in a box under a blanket on the shelf of my mind...just act like it never happened...

Anyway...a better note...nope no better note sorry...horrid day...horrid acid...horrid pain and just wanna make this end already...

My goal is to be able to look @ myself in the mirror, take a deep breathe, sigh smile and like what i see...too much to ask??? Feels like it :(

This is kind of odd but normally i weigh in lbs...i checked my weight in kg tonight and i am a 50kg even...thats so cool! Now to go lower...95 maybe less...

So now it is 7pm...i caved 1x today to get some physical comfort and numb myself a bit...now im miserable though...dam gut is killin me!

So my weight today? Yay finally going down again! 110.6! Almost there but still way huge and too fat...size 16girls dont matter - they expand to fit my ass!

Yet those same people are struggling with their own ED demons and other issues...i am so confused...i guess it doesnt matter i just thought we were real friends

MOOD: depressed, alone, sad, defeated, questionable

So i am wondering y when i post my updates whether failure/success 'friends' delete me from their lives?

So i have 1 hr to decide somethin to do...debatin tryin to go back to sleep but seein as i didnt really sleep anyway...doubt i will now...maybe go cook 4 fam...

For any1 readin and maybe gettin a benefit of my journey - thanx for followin..ill try to post a real blog tonight not from the phone! Or 2morrow as hub wrks...

Idk but thats how it felt for me...id like to get drunk 2night but actually scared ill gain so prob wont. Fighting mia BIG time 2day and hoping i can avoid her.

He gave me a hug and grabbed me...he was holding me by my hipbones...now if that aint motivation idk wat is! I luv that he could use them for handlebars! Sick?

Im trying to give myself the pep tlk to motivate and get myself going...like coffee and making bfast for fam but rgt now it isnt wrkn. Hub was cntg ribs again..

Ive already weighed, medicated, showered and dressed 4 my therapy appt @9...its a 1hr drive each way. My weight 2day same as yesterday 110.6 but hey its dwn!

MOOD: skeptikal, hopeful, alone, sad, depressed

Well it is early 628am here. I woke @ 4 but actually was awake most the night with stomach acid.

Anyway so i b/p 2x more, had my session with G. White and now im exhausted, laying in bed & hope to nap...

So ok today has not been anything as i had anticipated - well maybe it has actually...i knew once i b/p this am it was going to be a long day...so well ya...

I was reading through my blog comments and although i write for myself, i wouldnt mind some comments from those who follow me...id like to know ur thoughts...

So now ive taken all my meds and im out of the house... no more b/p and hubby workin late again so no dinner...

rged well...i am empty now and at 111 STILL

So once i got up i decided to b/p bcuz well -tmi, but i needed to do a #2 and it wasnt happening...once i ate i felt the system jump start and after i pu

t gave up

MOOD: FRUSTRATED, TRIGGERED, ANXIOUS
Ok so i woke at 415am but barely even slept lastnight at all. It was aweful the dam racing thoughts and dreams i jus

If not - i can always print my posts out and staple in journal like i did today...

I know i need to journal but cant seem to focus to do it so hmmm who knows if i will or not? I will try for sure tomorrow though...

Well here is a short update. Im sitting @ the hosp waiting for ANAD @ 8 and im totally anxious! I feel nauseated and gross and just wanna leave! No food 2day!

Merged and time to share...

09 Aug 2011

MOOD: FUCK ME – I am T-R-I-G-G-E-R-E-D!!!
ANNOYED, IRRITATED, FRUSTRATED, PISSED – OFF, FIGHTING

so today i woke up triggered as hell but i am trying so hard to fight it. i have been doing things to keep me busy - a lot with food to tempt myself but not cave in… so far i have only had water - yay!

well i have my weight still the same - 111 and its pissing me off BIG TIME but its my own fault for bp 3x yesterday and the day before... grrr.... i have my ANAD meeting tonight - i need to and have to go... im not looking forward to it as i didnt go last week and i feel like im not doing enough to try and stop the behaviors even though i am giving my all...

for example: this am i had decided to go ahead and b/p but then as i was dressing and thinking about it - i just decided to fight as long and much as i can… idk but hubby works late and i will be gone before he gets here... i made dinner and its in the fridge already, made lunch for the boys for tomorrow already too since i have addictions therapy with G. White @ 12:30pm... friday is my therapist. i tried to call and get a sooner appt - for tonight but unless she gets a cancellation it wont happen so friday is the soonest i can then go... ugh...

i feel very triggered right now i really want to and am craving to b/p... my boys are fighting and nagging and arguing and well - that triggers the living shit out of me! knowing i have some dry stir fry veggies with keilbasa in the fridge, some  mac ‘n cheese and some boiled hotdogs for their lunch tomorrow, plus stuff for wraps - well just doesnt help!

i wish we had some ice so i could make an iced cup of Hawaiian punch but the ice maker is being very retarded! i finally made some ice in ice trays in the mini-fridge - but they are not yet ready either... hate waiting so much!

hubby came home for lunch a bit ago and i made for him some of the stir fried veggies and rice - he had 2 bowls so must have been good! my boys wanted ramen - so thats what they had... me i just drank my water...

so last week was really bad with hubby - especially thursday and friday... we actually went to bed on thursday without even talking and i felt the hot behind my eyes like i needed to cry but didnt and wouldnt - as well as couldnt... i wouldnt because i didnt want him to see he had hurt me so badly with his words...i really was wishing for an appt with Diane but I hadn’t gotten a call Thursday then my son got hurt. She called me when I had gotten done at patient first for his leg and he had to go to the Dr in the am on Friday which meant I could not take her noon opening – plus they had therapy at 130 and then dental checkups at 4…

wednesday with G. well that wasnt so great either... i did as i was told by Diane, and told him about my binge drinking episodes lately - well i got beaten up one side and down the other... its ok though - i can handle it and ive had worse... what upset me though was when he said i was walking around at such a "low weight that you look anorexic"... this frustrated me for a few reasons:

1) my weight is NOT that low
2) i do not look "anorexic" to me
3) i dont want people to think i am "anorexic", "sick", or "have health problems". its just so frustrating!

Thursday my son hurt his knee really badly, as I mentioned above, and i had to take to the patient first... well he got an immobilizer and crutches and an appt with his Dr at the base in the am... well Friday comes and i take him to the appt - he sprained some tendon and may have ripped his meniscus (sp?), or ACL... just GRAND... crutches till next thursday then bring him back to ortho. and re-xray as well as re-examine and see what is going on... ugh - its going to be LONG week!

over the weekend he nagged and argued about laying down, elevating and icing - but he lost anyway and did as expected... now today he is really driving me nuts with his " i can walk fine - i dont need the crutches anymore - my knee doesnt hurt now" grrrrr! maybe not now but all he needs to do is tweak it just the wrong way and permanently damage it! so the battle continues and i cant wait for thursday to get here!

so now lets see...right now i am fighting with mia BIG TIME! i am trying so hard to not cave and b/p... i know if i eat anything it will ruin the day so i just cant have anything... i made some sugar free jello - i hope i will be able to make that a safe food soon as it is 5-10cals a serving... i have miracle noodles which have 0 cals and then maybe some other low cal non-carb food... i have to have at least 3 foods which r "safe foods" that i can eat and not purge... right now - i need those foods to be the lowest in cals/carbs that i can manage... i may choose the protein shakes bcuz if i make them with water or black coffee they are only 55cals and 0 carbs/sugars...

i hate having to make food "safe" especially when the thought scares the hell out of me! i just dont understand why my old safe foods arent safe anymore... my safe foods from before were negative/0 cal foods to begin with so they should still be safe! They aren’t supposed to make me gain - and with having a 0 cal/neg cal balance shouldnt allow for maintenance either... idk - i guess im just scared to accept it...i guess we will see how it goes...

i need to get to the store and get some more cheese and some keilbasa but i just really dont feel like going at all! i really dont feel like taking my sons to their bowling either - but they earned it and are so looking forward to it - i have to take them... guess maybe ill hit the store after i drop the off and 2 hrs without them - well it sounds kind of peaceful except ill have my middle who cant bowl cuz of his knee... blah!!!

i took my boys to bowling and they r there now, my middle is home playing his xbox game online with some friends. i de-skinned the chicken and put in for baking, i also put the groceries away that i got at the commissary while i was out. Now well im just trying to let the time pass so i can go pick the other 2 up from the bowling alley and get their dinner hot again and served up… so far well all i have had is the water and Hawaiian punch. Made the jello and i was going to have some but my stomach flopped and I sort of freaked out… its dumb i know but all i could hear and see in my head was me ballooning up tonight from eating that and keeping it down. If i am able i may try to have a protein shake later – but for now – yikes i just don’t think I can do it…

i really do want some safe foods – the problem is that well i am scared shitless those foods wont actually be safe… im not sure how to convince myself otherwise either as so far when i eat – i gain! i keep looking and looking at the different food options, but my stomach flips and my mind is racing so fast, the voices start shouting louder and there is no room for anything else in my head…walk away from the food – leave the kitchen, don’t inhale or touch and everything will be OK…realistic? probably no but i feel safer and i feel better if i just do what im told and don’t argue with the mind-games…

i feel like no matter what i do the mind-games never stop…im always fighting one way or another to try and not do one thing or another – whether it be to not b/p, purge or restrict – it doesn’t matter im fighting and the battles are not only endless but exhausting…i really just need a break from it all…this is when ii start craving alcohol again…the feeling of freedom and flying from my thoughts and just life in general…i don’t think i will cave as i have too much going on tonight with the ANAD and all that stuff…it’s a long drive so i cant drink anyway but i REALLY wish i could and that i had the stuff to do so with…

well it is now time to head out and get my other 2 boys… guess i really am trying to write a book seeing as this is typed – probably would have used the rest of my journal pages! printing this out then well – guess ill be heading out…will write more later while waiting to go into the ANAD meeting i think – i usually do to help keep me from having too bad of an anxiety attack…since well ii didn’t go last week – i assume the anxiety is going to be even worse as it is already

                                                                                    B

                                                                                        U
                                                                                            I
                                                                                                L

                                                                                                    D

                                                                                                         I
                                                                                                            N

                                                                                                                G…

5:36pm

so lets see here...its almost time, well not really, but getting close to time to head to my ANAD meeting...the problem is im trying so hard to not cave even though i am craving the b/p...i have made dinner for the boys - they are eating and the chicken is done... i put it in a container and in he fridge for tomorrows dinner - jst what to make with it i havent decided yet...im thinking maybe like chicken salad or maybe like fajitas with te stir-fried veggies and kielbasa and add some of the baked chicken?? im not sure and ill decide tomorrow like i always do... lets see i have to leave around 7pm to get to the meeting in time, 630 will get me there a little early so i can write in my journal - thats probably what ill end up doing... husband sill not home but he said will be a late one and he doest know when he will be home... oh well... the boys each have cell phones and can call me or him if they need anything...
ugh guess im out for now...gotta find something to do so i dont b/p...

Mood: TRAPPED, betrayed

Well so im not sure im going to keep this blog...someone has betrayed me and well im not safe to disclose my thoughts or feelings -

Not here - not anywhere...so i have to decide what im going to do. I am not even safe to talk to 'friends' or journal...what do i do? Just eat the thoughts?

Eat the feelings? Act on them and eventually let them kill me? Seems it is the only option i have since someone has decided to make it their place to divulge

What i feel or say to others i didnt want to know...somethings are kept from others for a reason! I feel like if u cant respect my privacy - then get the hell off my blog, out of my life and keep ur mouth shut!

So - i guess im a bit pissed to but what do u expect? Supposedly ive made an enemy out of a friend and that person shared with my spouse...

Here is the thing - i didnt know id made any enemies and especially not one with access to my spouse. So that being said - am i even safe writing this???

Anyone wanna be me for a few days? I need a break and need to escape!

MOOD:irritated and in pain

Hoping these updates r getting to the blog...mouth is killing me...so much for no bp i did anyway this am...prob a huge mistake

Make it worse? Ok - im not receiving ANY text messages even though my contacts r getting the messages i send but im getting nothing back!

So i went to the local Goodwill looking for a bike for my son - he is so hard on his stufff! Anyway, no bike but i did find 3 prs of girls 16 jeans that FIT!

In fact they r a little loose except the pinkish/purple pr that r made like skinny jeans...not sure i like the fit but LOVE the color so got em!

MOOD: frustrated and in pain
Ok so the wisdom tooth is out and the numbing med - worn off! Now my mouth hurts, my jaw hurts, having cramps and blah!

MOOD: HOPEFUL, ANXIOUS
So i bp this am but it was hopefully the last time as i get my wisdom tooth out today... im not sure how everything is going to go...

Wow season 15 AMNTM a girl is ANA but not like super thin...however she is getting sent home for being too thin and not a picture of health...

They said she is setting a scarey example to the young girls of today... Wow i didnt even think she looked so thin...shows how messed up my head is...

MOOD: DISAPPOINTED, ANXIOUS, FRUSTRATED, WORRIED AND SCARED
So i will update the blog completely soon...but here is a quick one...weight 111.6, bloated.

Fat, disgusting and getting wisdom tooth removed tomorrow @ 1:45PM...oh well means wont have to eat and can maybe work to drink protein shakes and no more mia...

Idk if it will work but its my hope it works... and will be a huge goal met FINALLY! If not maybe i will @ least make the goal weight of 100 by end of aug...