i think i need to start over...

so it has been a while yet again - sorry... not that i dont have time to write her - its more like not feeling like it... sometimes i just feel like it doesnt matter noone reads it anyway and its just for me to get it out. well sometims getting it out i feel like i say the ame things over and over and not really getting out what want to actually say?
so i want to get rid of mia so badly yet i cave in to her day in and day out not able to stop... i do not understand... whe i was younger it was so easy t just not eat...before all the 'knowing' from other people not eating was like - normal... now i just cant not eat without feeling guilty or feeling shakey and know what its from and not seeming to be able to ignore it... for example today - i took my sleeping meds lastnight and i was so dizzy and just not feeling right so istead of fasting like i wanted to i caved in to mia and now i just feel disgusted i cant even seem to make it one day! however - i wont let this keep me down- it was one b/p and it is only 145 in the afternoon... i think i can do the rest of the day without anymore and go to zumba tonight... this burns about 6-800 cals so i think it will be ok... i guess we shall see right?

idk anything anymore...

well ABC has been a HUGE epic failure to the utmost of failures! so im letting it pass... i had changed my mind and decided i was going to just b/p until i couldnt anymore and of course until my holiday box of treats got here... it FINALLY came today and it is gone already! there wasnt much in there - actually thought there would be more oh well... its all good! i am still waiting for another box and i hope it will come tomorrow although i feel as though my b/p days might be over. i also got my freaking period which it has been giving me the worst of cramps it possibly can... in addition - weight gain like no tomorrow - i am not happy at all! so this will end my blog for today and tomorrow is day one of what i will hope will be a difference and a fast... however - if i get that other box and i decide to b/p then it will start fresh after... i just wish all had come at the same time so it could deffinately been done!

ABC day 2...

ok so it is now 1pm and i even though day one was an EPIC failure to unseen limits - i have gone on to day 2 of ABC... this means following the rigid calorie plan - no prob as long as mia stays away...
i woke this am with a bad stomach ach - like nauseated stomach ache... i felt like i was actually sick with a flu or something... got out the bed and did some situps and then alternating leg lifts for 30 minutes... by then it was 6am and time to get the boys up for school... stretching and yawning prevailed and finally they stopped procrastinating and got out of bed and ready for school... bunch of sleepy heads! too many days off makes one lazy!

i drank a sip of green tea to take my meds and supps then got them to the bus for school - OMG so cold out! it was 16 degrees! i felt like i might turn into a pospcicle! glad i pre-warmed the van in the garage! so i came home and crashed back in the bed hoping to relieve my upheveled stomach... i tossed and turned in a restless sleep but it was enough to help me feel better a little...

i got a phone call then and had to go get my youngest from school... great - he is sick, vomitting .... grrrr when will they stop getting sick! they need a break from sickness as much as i need them to havea break! i drive to the school... no good i am having bad dizzy spells and nausea... i hope this goes away...hmmmm i realize i am very thirsty maybe dehydration? idk but after i get him from the office i grab 2 water bottles from the hatchback of the van... we both prob need to replenish... i take a sip and thats all i can muster or i might barf... he holds the bottle and lays back in the seat - he is asleep so quick... i decide i will take care of some errands i really have been procrastinating on just because i havent felt like dealing with it... it as to get done so i go to the YMCA where we havent been since like Aug and cancel the memebrship... i have a family membership at american family fitness and it is 24hrs and the boys can use all the equiptment where at the YMCA all they could basically do was use the pool... had to be 16 to use any equiptment...

next i  come home and leave my son resting on the couch while i drive 2 miles to the post office... on base as long as a child is 10 they can be alone up to 4 hrs without an adult - i only plan to be gone a few minutes to mail a package to hubby... i do so as quickly as the line wil let me and come home... when i get home he is sleeping on the couch so i get him up and bring him to my room where it is warm and we snuggle and drift off into dream land... it is near noon when we wake... wow the day is going by fairly fast right now... good - less triggers to cave in to...

i finally get out the bed and bring my laptop to my room and make me a protein shake(55) with chia seeds(25) = 80cals total... well im still working on it... the anxiety of having any calories in me is hard... im struggling with it and it just makes me really want to b/p... i am fighting... me and a good friend are doing the ABC together... we have to do this! i made food logs and a day calendar... we will fill in what food we ate each day - i am doing the print out and on the computer file... but i have both in case i am out when i have something i can write it down... i did ABC last yr - 13 days b/p free - i want to do better than that this yr! so for now, green tea and water every hr... less than 500 cals which will prob just be through protein shakes and chia seeds and then some coffee as well... i will burn the calories when i work out later... i wanted to go to the gymn but i guess thats out again since my baby is sick...

ABC FOOD LOG
DATE: DEC 15, 2010
ABC DAY: 2	CALORIES ALLOWED: 500
FOODS ↓:	CALORIES IN FOOD EATEN ↓:
chia seeds	25cals
protein shake	55 cals
water	1 bottle, 0 cals
DAILY TOTAL:

so to keep me busy, like my friend, i have made a 'to-do' list... this is my list for today:

YMCA  x

Post Office x

Game room - pickup, vaccum

Laundry

Kitchen - sink, counters, stove, sweep and mop

Livingroom - pickup, vaccum

Bathroom (dwstrs) - toilet, sink, sweep and mop

Upstairs - vaccum hallway and all bedrooms, put my laundry away

Bathroom (master) - toilet, sink, tub, sweep and mop

Read - text or a book of choice

Log in to school and do assignments, respond to posts x

Crochet - work on Brice's blanket

Workout - elliptical, zumba, situps, leg lifts

so the ones with red 'x' next to them i have already done prior to making this post... so here we go i hope i can be strong - logging out from blogging is when i tend to cave - not today... i wont let mia win... i will maybe eat something but the other rule -

NOTHING BUT WATER, TEA or COFFEE after 430pm - PERIOD...

anyone who feels like joining us in ABC please feel free - the more support the better!



ok so now it is 530pm and ive done fairly well... i did end up b/p once but thats way better than i have been doing... im still going to count it as a success as i did manage to keep the 80 cals down even if it was hard... here is what happened...

i had some of the noodles called miracle noodles - zero everything... i put in the skillet with some ponzu saudce (10cals) and some dried chives... the problem was when i started eating them for some reason they kept getting stuck in my throat and making me gag... this totally set me up and i ended up b/p on baked potatoes and purged the noodles and the potatoes... so it was less than 500cals anyway... just not successful with no b/p...if i had not been gagging on the noddles i think i could have made it completely... so i am facing the next challenge now - nothing after 430pm except water and green tea or coffee... so far no big issue... im working out now with my quick fix workout video... has several 10min segments that focus on particular sections of the body... ive done 40min and i will do the elliptical later when taps is on - i love that show and can focus on that while i workout and not get bored and hopefully not triggered either...bad thing is the elliptical is right next to the kitchen so i hope - no i know i will be strong enough... now that this day is nearly over - tomorrow should be easier...

NUTRITION FACTS

Serving Size: 3 oz (85 g)

Serving per Container: approx 2.5

Net wt. 7 oz (198 g)

Amount Per Serving
Calories	0
Calories From Fat	0
		% Daily Value
Total Fat	0 g	0 %
Saturated Fat	0 g	0 %
Trans Fat	0 g	0 %
Cholesterol	0 mg	0 %
Sodium	0 mg	0 %
Total Carbohydrate	<1 g	0 %
Dietary Fiber	0 g	0 %
Sugar	0 g
Protein	0 g
Vitamin A		0 %
Vitamin C		0 %
Calcium		0 %
Iron		8 %

INGREDIENTS

Purified water, yam flour, and hydrated lime.

• Product of USA
• Percent Daily Values (DV) are
  based on a 2,000 calorie diet

JFC White Shirataki Noodles Shirataki Noodles are healthy low carb noodles that taste great when combined with your favorite sauce. Shirataki noodles are a favorite of health-conscious eaters because they are fiber-rich and filling. These low fat noodles allow you to get your pasta fix without packing on the carbs. Shirataki Noodles have a unique aroma. *Parboiling before use is recommended to improve the texture. so all this said and done now - im tired and actually ready to sleep but think i may wait a bit... i really need to do that workout on the elliptical although i know i burned lots of cals with the video...

can i just start over?

today has not gone as planned - at all! so i had made my food log and i printed it out and was really planning to do the ABC today... well i got up triggered to no end and it did not work out! i have bp a few times today but no where like it has been lately so i guess at least that is a plus - idk yet...weight didnt budge but at least not up right? i have made the dieters tea - instead of lax think i will drink that tonight... i had a paper due in class yesterday i am so confused though i just cant seem to focus to get it done... it as to be in today if i dont i will never pass this class... not an option... this means so much to me - i really wanna be a therapist and work with those who have ed's - if they want help i know i would be good at it... just a matter of getting me to that point as well...
how i feel inside today? i am feeling really down and depressed... i do not cry but i have been feeling like i need to cry i need to just pour out and nothing happens... maybe my eyes will get wet and i have the achey feeling like i need to cry then i harden up and it goes away... im not sure what causes it - maybe i just cant be weak enough to cry...although crying in reality is what makes one stronger... ugh idk - i hope so much i can get ahold of this and really make this work... i am so tired of hoping and trying and epically failing...

redo the do over!

ok so the challnge has NOT been going so well... i hate being a failure and a liar... especially lieing to all my friends and then lieing to myself just makes it feel even worse...i keep letting everyone down to include me and it just feels like i am sinking into this hole and will never get out...
i guess this is really hard for a few reasons... i feel like all i ever do is make blind promises so why write it? i also have a really hard time writing what i eat down in my journal because it would be really embarrassing and disgusting if you had to read what i eat in one day... granted i may purge several times but it sometimes amounts to several thousand calories consumed in a day i am certain...here is an example of a binge...
i made 10 eggs with cheese and fat free sour cream for a binge... i ate some with some unsweetened almond milk and purged between each cup it was a total of 4 purges to finish the omlet - how disgusting and embarrassing is that?
So i am trying something new... i keep trying new things something has to help right? i mean something has to make things get better! so i have done ABC before but im going to try it again... last yr i did it and the first 3 days i lost 7lbs... i managed to do it for 13 days and was b/p free that 13 days as well...so maybe this is what i need to do?
day one is 500 cals... i am going to not try to reach that 500 cals though - i feel like that is too many... so i am going to aim for about 320 tomorrow or so - maybe a little more we will see how i feel with it... i know i can do a protein shake = 55 cals and add the chia seed powder which is 25cals... s thats 80 cals for one so if i have 4 thats 320 cals... i think i may add an apple to that later which would be 400 but i am not sure i want to add any... i also want to do the gymn and the elliptical in there to counter it... i am not sure if it will work but i am so desperate!

failure to the highest extreme...

well today did not go as i had planned for it too... once again the sink is overflowing with dishes to be loaded into the dishwasher and the trashcan needed emptied before the end of the day... the fridge is looking emptier and i have no money to go shopping... in fact i have totally fucked up and there is no way to fix it... i only hope somehow i can make the food i do have last through till the 1st of jan...
i have binged and purged too many times today... my head and throat hurt and i feel like shit... i am such a failure... i cant seem to even be honest with myself... i know in my head there is no possible way i can do this alone - i need help but it is simply not an option... therefore what is going to happen? i have no idea... either i will end up dead as i had predicted, in the hospital and on a feeding tube - not if i have a say in it, or i will passout and someone is going to find me and all shit is going to hit the fan... my husband is not going to be happy at all if he learns any of this... i just cant break it to him.. he doesnt need further heart breakng he has his own struggles... he was just given some anti depressants because he was suicidal - like he needs to hear im struggling beyond struggling... i feel like crying but i wont... i really wish i had my therapist... i really wish she would see me again... i know im an epic failure but at least when i was seeing her i had someone to be accountable too and i was able to have someone to push me to keep going... it just isnt working anymore... my voice says the wrong things and pushes me the wrong ways how is this ever going to get me better?
i wish i could shut the voice up... it doesnt help in the wya i want anyway... always drudging up the past y cant that shit just shove back in the dusty box in my minds closet again? i dont want it around... i dont want to know about it or remember it and i dont want the feelings the shit brings back i just wantto forget... i just dont want to do it anymore and i dont want to relive it... im tired and i just want it all gone - NOW.

no more excuses!

ok i have not posted in a while. i feel like i am talking to myself and i dont care so y even post anything? i love to write but lately it just seems like it doesnt matter so y bother? well i have finally hit the bottom and it has to stop. i am waking in the morning to find myself a slave to mia from first steps downstairs until i am in bed at night and even then i think and dream about bp... no more... i am sick of a sink of dirty dishes from my binges and a trash and recycle can over flowing with wrappers not to mention the dwindling food supply forcing shopping trips nearly every day - no more... in addition the purging is literally killing me... headaches, toothaches and now even worse - blood... for the past 3 days i have hd blood in the purging nearly every time... thats a lot since i have been purging many many times in the day - some days even as much as 20x in a day... this is not working i have got to stop...
i have to prove to myself i can do this... the longest i have gone without mia is 13 days and that was last yr at this time... my dr and psychiatrist have given up on me... they dont think i can stop without hospitalization and a feeding tube and well my therapist said she hadnt given up on me but she refuses to see me so i feel like she did... i cant go back to her until the dr removes hospitalization recommendation so i guess im not going back... i have decided to put forth a challenge to myself... i am fighting it even now as i type this... i am feeling oh so triggered and all i feel like doing is binging and purging... anyway - my challenge is i have to go util Jan 1 with no binging and no purging... i know i can do it.... i just really have to force myself to do it... this means not allowing myself to give in... its really hard... i have already given up on myself... the worst thing is i thought i would be dead or in the hospital by this time... i didnt think i was going to live to see next yr... do i now? im not really sure to be honest... with everything that has been going on with my body i am not sure i will make it... it doesnt matter - im alone anyway... i have no family here and i write this journal in hopes someone will read it and benefit but i do not even think it matters... it probably means nothing to anyone and i just feel like a big nothing...
it is really sad to have so many things - a husband who loves me very much and i love with my whole heart, 3 beautiful children who mean more than the world to me, a house to live in, 2 degrees and working on a 3rd yet i feel like the biggest failure in the world... i feel like i do not deserve the air i breathe and the clothes i wear not to mention the love i receive from my boys and husband... i deserve to be burried 6 ft under in a cardboard box for the bug to have at me...
today i am in a very low low place... to be honst i think i am going to end up doing a few things i know will help at least for a minute... i a planning to cut - i want and need to bleed... if i knew my babies would be well taken care of and my hsuband could handle it i would do it enough to bleed out - at least then i would be a few things - light and empty and out of pain... however i do not know these things so this will not be the case for today... i am going to cut though - there is no question fo that it is just a matter of where and how deep, how much and of course when...
i am also going to take lax tonight... how many i am not sure... this will be determined by the day how things go... whether i end up bp today or not... i have so many things to eat that are what i bought to bp with but i do not want to... i have taken the permission away from myself to bp so i am not sure i even will today or not... if i do not the lax will be harsh still and will begin what i need to get me on the track i am aiming for... i have gained some weight and i am not managing well with it not to mention i do not want it... my goal is to lose enough i will potentially be under 100 lbs by the new yr... we will see if it goes as i plan... i know if i make that goal a reality i potentially face immediate hospitalization but they can not force me if i do not want it and my labs come back stable even if itis through the use of the supplements... my dr told me this at the last visit.. this means i can lose and as long as my heart is stable when i see her there is nothing they can do... since i do not go to her until after the17th of next month - i have plenty of time to potentially make even 85lbs - wow that would be like awesome! the sad thing is people already comment to me about how sick i look and there are the too skinny comments not to mention the u dont need to lose anymore in fact u could use a few extra lbs remarks or even worse yet the ones that say i look like a drug addict because i am so skinny... oh well - y should i care? its my body and i want to be ok in it... if losing this weight is what makes me feel ok then i should be able to right?
blah! idk y i am even saying any of this here... noone really reads it... i feel like i am talking to myself... and to be honest im sick of hearing my voice - i dont want to hear any voices anymore... i just want nothing...
so yeah i guess thats it... a failure i am - but i have to make this work... i am just not sure if i really feel up to trying to do it today or waiting until tomorrow...

period and bloating suck!

so i have a horrible headache! i purged today a few times - i was out doing errands and was dizzy and lightheaded and i was well - an hr drive away from my house so i had to eat... this lead to massive bp... 3x. grrr... oh well - the nice part is i am at 119 today and hoping for less tomorrow... no gymn todya - i wanted to go but i just had too much homework for my new class to go... especially since i had left shortly before 9am and didnt get home until 430! im so exhausted! ibarely slept lastnight and im hoping for an early night tonight... im sorry - no pics for the blog today and i dont even feel like posting much - just wanted to check in.