with all seriousness... fml

1040am MOOD: numb

so let me start with saying i ended up journaling in my journal lastnight after i turned the laptop off... i had to empty myself more - i was over full and it was causing chaos and screaming that was so immense i could not even see straight let alone try to sort the thoughts! what ended up happening lastnight i am not proud of - but it happened and it was a relief and now well the consequences will be mine as they fall upon me...

what did happen? i ended up bp again so it was 3x rather than just 2.... add to that the behaviors i had that followed well - it was not a pleasant ending but it was an ending i could contiue to breathe in and make it till the morning... i cut... yep - not proud but let me add - it was such a relief! the stinging kiss of the silver blade upon my skin, the small droplettes of blood immediately seeping to the surface... the instant rush of numb... yep - it was what i needed yesterday and i fought as much and long as i could before i finally just did it... i wanted to get drunk to - but if i had the cutting may have even been worse... or i could potentially be either in the hospital or dead... neither which are good choices right now...

this morning i woke up and i just didnt want to get out of the bed... i just felt like hiding there all day - so i did until 1040 when i finally got dressed and came downstairs... the first thing i did was put the chicken and spinach in the crockpot with a can of chicken broth then came over and started on the laptop... im not tempted today to have anything... not yet anyway... i took my meds right before i came downstairs... im hoping today they will work as i forgot them again yesterday... i think the cutting has me numbed enough i dont feel like i want or need to bp... im sort of just well - doing what i have too... i plan to make one trip out then come back home and go back to my room... i want to work on my latch hook and maybe finally finish it (my oldest and i started it urs ago but we only do a bit then put it aside until we get around to it again)...

i also have a blanket i was crocheting for my youngest son - i started 2 Christmas's ago and almost finished it but put it in a bag and well - still havent had the motivation to work on it... i want to finish it and begin something new... maybe it will really help... i also did a 30 day free trial of netflix... i watched a movie before i went to bed lastnight called case 39 with Renee Zellweger - it was really good... it was even a little ghoulish!

i have many many books i want to work on either finishing or just read... most on the nook many in actual books on the shelf... either way - something to just fill my empty time and not allow the voices to begin their immense screams again - i can not handle it. not today.

so for now i bid adios and will be back later for a mood update an the events that have occurred since this post...

327pm MOOD: numb, unsure

well the day has dragged its lousy ass along and is finally starting to close in upon night - i am so ready to be done with this weekend! i have to honestly say i am looking forward to the ANAD this week and my session with my therapist... i feel so much better when i go and get shit off my shoulders - out of my head or out in the open... i also feel better when i see my therapist because she really pushes me to think... she doesnt just let me scape by on simplistic answers... she has me dig and although sometimes it may piss me off (thats the sick part talking!) and i really start to close up - she keeps her faith in me and that i can beat this dam eating disorder... i dont know how she has such faith in me - i myself have very little with all the failures ive had...
so im still really just very numb... i have a heavy feeling inside of me, one that feels like maybe a sadness or like a good cry is needed - but i dont actually feel anything - not sure that makes sense or not... anyway so i am making a chicken gnocchi for my family for dinner... now when im having those bp days - this is one of my favs! i created my own recipe from trying to figure out what is in the soup at Olive Garden as that is where ive had it and got addicted! now i have most of my family also hooked! i guess i did a decent job of figuring it out and then i make it from scratch - we rarely have leftovers and if there are - they get eaten for a snack or at breakfast and then there is no trace... im glad though - it is very healthy... yes i said healthy! i feed my family very healthy if i am able... i would prefer all organic and vegan but well the fam doesnt want to go vegan and organic i do my best but it is sooooo exspensive! so while i do a fairly shitty job at taking care of me - i like to at least think that i do better for my family...

so what i was saying anyway.... i went to make the soup as i said this am... i got the chicken nearly cooked and i added the gnocchi... after about an hr i added the carrots and onions along with some chopped garlic.... i went for my trip out to get my mag and some more papaya and when i came home i added the alfredo and cream of chicken soup... mixed it really well and it smells great! then i had to pull some spinach off the ladel as it got twisted in when i was mixing - i like freaked out! i flipped the water spicket on so fast and washed with like a handful of soap! i was terrified the food was going to absorb and get me or worse - i would binge... once it was all off and the ladel rinsed i went back to my laptop and continued what i was doing... i was on fb and i was chatting with a new friend i have - she is in S Africa... she does not have an ed but she is trying to lose weight and be healthy about it...so well i was helping her figure out the best way for her to go and i recommended some resource books... i will help anyone be healthy - i just cant condone helping someone get sick or sicker...
right now im feeling physically exhausted... ive had less than 28oz of green tea and thats it... i have not eaten and honestly although the gnocchi smells good - im not tempted and i dont plan to eat... i had massive stomach ache lastnight so im using that as my advantage today to get out of dinner... ill say im still full from lunch and that my stomach is still upset... wrong? perhaps but if it helps me get away from BN then i dont even care - it is so worth it for me!
although i am feeling numb i am still disgusted with my body and the weight i am currently maintaining... i want to lose so much more - at least 15lbs more... i know i cant but if i could - i think maybe i could be happy with my body... or at least could live in it without wanting to cut it to smitereens or slice all the skin off and climb out with my skeleton and some muscle... would look nasty but it would be better than i have now... just sayin...

i found a lot of movies on netflix that i have added to my instant que and i plan to start watching here soon... first i have to print these papers out for my sons ortho surgeon apt tomorrow... please keep him in your thoughts and prayers that he wont need surgery... if he does - it will limit his mobility for probably the entire yr which could result in his loss of being in jrotc - it will break his heart bcuz he has worked so hard to be in the program... if he has to give it up - it will kill me to see his heart break like that and i dont think either he or i can handle that right now...

so in my mail the other day i get 2 envelopes from Remuda Ranch... i thought they were the certificates for the webinar trainings i did... well my youngest son comes to my room carrying the mail and asks "mommy do you have an eating disorder?" i didnt speak for a few seconds - it was out of no where and caught me by surprise... then i said "why would you think that?" he says "well i got the mail and there are 2 letters from Remuda Ranch for eating disorders." i thought quickly and said no hunny those are from when i took the online trainings - they sent me information... he was like ok and ran outside... whew! i narrowly escaped that one! there was no way i was telling him not right now - he is too young. maybe when they are adults and thinking of having families i will tell them - its not fair they dont know the risk of it in their family line... but right now - they are kids and they dont need the added stress, worry or fears... its bad enough their father is deploying again in May... they all get very stressed out now when he goes away and seeing as they are all tweens or teens - this time will be a huge challenge for the 3 of them and me...
i was 14 by 1/2 a month when i moved out of my moms house and into a shelter care - temp foster home which was like a half way house until a foster family could be found... there were 8 girls and 8 boys there all the time. it was while i was here that i got even more deep into the eating disorder and knew i was developing a problem but i didnt care... i went days with only having 1/2c oj and 1/2c skim milk... i would workout for hours and weigh whenever i could get to a place with a scale... at the pool i didnt goof with the rest of the group - i did laps and weights... well one of the caregivers caught me weighing a few times and began to watch over me more carefully... suddenly i was put on a meal plan and i had to eat everything on it or they would send me to a hospital... scared to death i had heard about making oneself vomit so i decided to try it... let me say at first it was really hard and it pissed me off so bad to have to do it... it didnt matter - i was caught... then i was not only on this dam meal plan but also i was not allowed in the bedroom or bathroom for 1hr after each meal/snack... i started exercising in the main room - i didnt care they werent stopping me... but they did... and after the hr i would go try to vomit anyway and it worked but it was hard, nasty and not good enough... then soomething happened... one of the new girls was BN... she showed me how to purge without fingers or anything - and i was set!
i would vomit anytime i wouldhave anything - even the milk and juice now because i didnt want those cals either if they were making me eat... then something scarey - i was vomitting blood! omg i was 14 and scared to death - so i told a staff member... they called me into the office and put me on 3 hr restriction and said i had to eat everything and if they didnt think it was enough i could not exercise... shit! i felt trapped and it didnt quell my fear of the blood when i vomited! it didnt matter - i would sneak and purge anyway... had to get it all out... i got caught again and they put me on 24hr watch - i was not allowed in the bedroom or bathroom without staff supervising... they would stand outside the bathroom door leaving it closed but unlatched while i used the bathroom and while i bathed... i was so pissed! i finally had had enough - i pulled myself under the water and held my breath - i wanted to die...was hoping to suffocate or inhale water and drown... the staff thought i was taking too long and peeked in and found me - passed out in the tub... so that didnt go as planned either!

when i was finally in foster care - the foster mom said she knew of my problem and i needed help... i denied the problem and went a bold step further to say if u dont believe me - put me in the hospital and ill prove it! wow - MISTAKE! the next day i was checked in and stayed 2 weeks for observation and to determine how bad this ed was... they sent a letter to my father and he said i didnt need the treatment... he was getting custody of me and i was just 'going through a phase' and once i moved in with him i would be 100% better - thanx dad...

so living with him was hell as it had been with my mother and her drnken abusive husband... his wife was horribly abusive to my step brothers, my father and she did drugs and i would hide in my room when i was there or be at work - i wanted nothing to do with them so i didnt... my grades were always very high and although miserable i still held fast to my goal of becoming a therapist like the one i had been seeing who had helped me get into the foster care... i honestly wanted to be just like her - i wanted to help children...

in school i took a dance class - i absolutely LOVED it! it was the reason for my mere existence at the time... i would go before school, during lunch, and after if there was a way for me to get home... if not then i would go to work... i also signed up and took extra classes for tap at the rec center... it made me feel like there was nothing else in the world and i could let myself be free with the music... i worried what others thought of me and often asked for honest answers regarding my moves etc... i hid under bulky sweaters and loose sweats so i could feel comfortable moving... when i danced - i was in heaven... then shit hit the fan... my teacher caught me purging my breakfast one morning before school - an apple... she said she wouldnt tell my father if i agreed to counseling with the school counselor and the group that met at lunch weekly so i agreed... well that was a lie... when i got home then my father came home he came to my room to 'talk' shit! yep the school had called, yes he knew her cooking was not so great but if i didnt like it - just dont eat... what! yes! he gave me full on permission to just not eat... i managed to reduce myself to 112lbs and i could never get smaller - i was dancing too much and it was all muscle... i hated the way i looked and i just wanted to be tiny and thin - i would never be though would i?

so there you go thats a short version of some of my history with my ed... i can honestly say that although i was aware of restricting or not eating from age 5, it was not until i was 14 that i was fully able to take the hand that was offered and hold on tight... now - well im wishing i wouldnt have held so strongly...

well it is now 4pm... i told hubby dinner is ready whenever they all wanted to eat... i also said my stomach is hurting and i had a bagel for lunch so im not having dinner... feel like shit for lieing - but right now i have to... ive got to break the binds between me and BN... time for my movie and maybe a nap? ttfn

745pm MOOD: fml

ok so the idea of a zero went out the window when my husband served me a bowl to eat at 630... grrr.... so ya then i ate some animal crackers and purged.... so pissed! why can i not just say no and it be fine! well fuck big deal then... tomorrow he has a hectic schedule and im not eating ill be busy all day... so i guess the only plus? it was only 1x and it was fairly small...

when does failure become not an option?

920am MOOD: morbidly obese, disgusting, huge, fat, depressed and dark

well i really dont have much to put here - im really not in a place to talk... will be back later.

140pm MOOD: i still feel morbidly obese and disgustingm huge, amd fat. i am feeling down and depressed - i match the weather for today...

today i am freezing again - i really hate this weather... today being saturday was a day we all were able to sleep in and we did - i was up at 8am but didnt get out the bed until 920 when i heard the garage door shut... i knew it was my son an he hadnt had his eye drops yet...

so hollared downand he came in and got his drops... i proceeded to discuss wih myself whether i was going to eat or not... i wanted to but i also didnt because i was afraid i would purge... finally at 10am i decided to eat some bake potatoes - not bad but then i added cheese and that was too much... i also had a bagel and then i purged and also scrybbed te entire bathroom as a punishment for failing again...

so my weight is still the same and i know it cant go down as that was my agreement - i cant try to make it go down but it is really triggering me and very frustating... i wanted it to just keep going down... i dont want it to stay here and i def dont want it to go up! i am petrified of even a few oz gain so that isnt happening...
ive really been struggling with a need to cut... i have the tools i just need an opportunity and i think i will do it... i dont know that i would be able to resist or to fight... as for the alcohol - ive really wanted to get drunk but have been too afraid to have any... i havent for 3 weeks now... not because im afraid of the drunk part - because im afraid of gaining weight as a result... its weird though because i normally dont eat most the day maybe bp at dinner when i drink... then i get so drunk i vomit everything everywhere and dont remember the night when i wake in the morning... im also a few lbs lighter - usually... one would think then that drinking would be a positive thing right now... a way to lose without really trying but its not... im scared of anything with calories... ANYTHING.

this morning when i was trying to decide what to eat - it took me 20 min to finally decide on potatoes... i stood there opening and closing the fridge door and looking in the same cabinets over and over and walking to the couch and back to the kitchen before i finally decided... i really hate this... i wish it was not so hard! i wish something was safe but right now - im lucky i can allow myself to have green tea mints... i guess i know they are sugar free and for my health really so it is ok to have them 1x a day... everything else is just not allowed...i cant even allow myself coffee if i need cramer... and the lemonade (10cals per pack) well i had one already made from lastnight and was half gone - i dumped it in the sink so i could use it for my tea instead... im really losing this side of the battle...

i feel like i am becoming more and more afraid of foods and calories... i am washing my hands more to keep anything from staying with me... i shower if i eat because i need to be cleaned not only inside but also outside... i weigh before i purge and after, before i shower and after... i weigh if i get up at night to use the bathroom and if i cant weigh - i wait to use the bathroom until i can...

i know some of my thoughts are very illogical yet for me they seem like the only truths... like when i asked my therapist a question about some photos i have... these photos are of me back in 2004 with some friends... i asked her to tell me honestly whether i look better and healthier in the photos or now... heres the thing i really thought she would say now... im not nearly like i was when i was sick back then... i mean im not doing the massive lax every day (120 per day - talk about sick and dehydration!)... i feel this takes a lot of the risk away and makes me healthier... i also am not purging like i was then - like 24x PLUS a day - that was aweful... but she didnt... she said i look better in the photo - healthier...

i look at those pictures and i think wow - i look kind of smallish there and i sort of like how i look in them... i know at the time i was disgusted and i hated the way i looked because i looked so huge... but right now i feel like i look even more huge than i did in the photos... well im not... im about 20-25lbs less now than i was in those... they were during my first treatment program... that was an iop program - meaning we werethere from 7am -630pm and then the nights we were able to go home if we lived near or we had a room which the program owned and we paid to stay in - thats what i had to do... the problem with it was that i was self-sabotaging myself by going across and walking the 2mles or so in the ice and snow to get lax... and i was sneaking to the gym inside the building at night to workout some of those cals they were forcing me to ingest...

again when i look at those pictures i see my friend and i thik wow she is sooooo tiny and im so jealous... i want to be as small as her... the thing is - in those pictures.. what she weighs in those - i weigh now... my therapist sys that makes me actually smaller than the friend then because she is like 6" shorter than me... but i dont see it - i see someone taller and i look fatter and bigger all around... i hate it...

so i was reading some posts on my fb too... one by Erica Rivera - she wrote the ED book "Insatiable" EXCELLENT book! anyway she was doing a live presntation to some school a few days ago and one of her topics was "too thin for a size 0" wow i wish i could have heard that lecture... i dont barely fit my girls 16 now... they are loose and saggy and im having to wear a belt...

im frustrated with a lot of things... the weight loss has caused for my wedding bands to be super big... a few days ago i was folding my laundry and they fell off - scared the shit out of me! everything i do i have to check that they are still there - i am so scared to lose them... we have been married 18yrs - thats a long time and ive never taken them off except when i was giving birth to my children - they were back on 2 days later every time...
some things i like about the weight loss though are like i can actually see my hipbones when i look down... i cant in the mirrors or if i take a picture - but i can when just looking down and that makes me feel a little less huge sometimes... i love how the loss has actually caused me to lose shoe sizes even! all my shoes make me feel like my feet are swimming! the last few pairs ive gotten are about 1.5-2 sizes smaller! weird! i didnt expect to lose shoe sizes by losing weight...

so it is now 2pm and im feeling just tired... i didnt take my meds today - shit! well ill just have to be strong... i wan to take a nap i think but im waiting for the mail... after it comes i may nap i may not... im going to resist bp if i can...

oh lastnight i didnt escape dinner either (fml) i ended up eating the hm pizzas and purging... but it was only a 2nd time which even though not a 0 as i had wanted ill take a 2 over a 3 or more anyday...

so i think im going to go for now... ill try to get back on here later and update the rest of the day...

643pm MOOD: disgusted , epically failed, running low on hope and fight...

yep the day is ending fairly poorly... to be honest - im debating the vodka in the mini fridge... just to escape... idk im really having a hard time today... the bp has been 3x and im realy triggered right now... i not only feel like having a shit ton of vodka but also like cutting the piss out of myself and bp until i pass out... ya im in that kind of shitty mood and feel totally like a shitbag...

we talked in session about why i hate myself... well i know one thing i hate is that i am constantly failing and lieing to myself... i hate thinking that well possibly knowing that i can not do this... i can not beat this eating disorder and i keep thinking maybe ishould just give up... if i do - it would be fast i think for an end... i mean i could easily shed more weight if i was trying and if im really at such a high risk right now because of my weight then im sure that wouldnt help...once it was over itd be done... i wouldnt know because i wold no longer be around... thats another thing i hate myself for... for wanting to give up - im not a quitter. allowing myself to quit, to give up leads to further failure which just makes for further reason to despise and hate myself and not want to exist... its a viscious circle i am in...

i also really hate the fact i am not successful the way i want to be; i hate that i do not know what that success even is? i hate that i have a wonderful husband who loves me and has put up with me for 18yrs, 3 wonderful loving children who i would never give up willingly or trade for anything and yet im not happy. they should make me happy. i love them with every oz of this pthetic body but im not happy because i hate me so much. it makes me feel like crying... my eyes are trying to swell with tears but i push them back - i have no right or reason to cry... feeling sorry for myself is no reason to shed tears... i feel very sad, disgusted and ashamed of who i am and the issues i have, the past ive lived through, the experiences ive had... i know i cant change those and i dont want to think about them... ignoring them works for a while... finding blame really doesnt do much for me seeing as i feel the blunt of the blame to fall upon my own shoulders... after all fool me once shame on u fool me twice shame on me... so then... should not and would not the blame and guilt be mine? i really do not know...

i can honestly say that although i know my therapist would not toy with me or lie to me, i really honestly do not know how to not hate myself or that i even ever will not... i would honestly settle for being able to just be cofortable in this body even if i still dislike it at least it isnt hate...
so as you can see - today is a very dreery day... my hope has really dwindled and i feel like such a waste of existence... im having a lot of thoughts which i have some plans for and perhaps might even act upon... i have the time, opportunity and energy so why not do it? idk... i will just try to keep making myself take one breath at a time and hope the day finishes quickly without incident - but i apologize that i can not promise or guarantee it.

why do i let the triggers get to me?!

MOOD: discouraged, frustrated , losing hope
28 Oct, 2011 (friday)

so i had session today and as per the norm im a blabber mouth... i swear i always tell on myself even when i dont want too! i guess that could be the side of me that truly wants recovery-good kick some AN/BN ass!

anyway so at session we discuss this past weeks documentation of my moods... we break tings down and a new goal for Nov is made... i have to work on the thoughts i have and controlling them... secondly we made a goal of something else which right now i cant recall...

so as i was about to leave when i finally decided to ask if my cm had called yet and she said no... i decided to inform her of those weird feelings id been having... i was sort of freaking out to say anything but i figure its better to come from me than someone else... i dont want to look like im hiding stuff... she asked if i was having them today - which at that time no i wasnt and i felt fine... she said if it  keeps up i should be seen... idk about that one!  but i said ok and left for home... as im driving that nagging voice begins... u want to binge u need to purge...gorge to overfull and then puke it all into oblivion...forget it all... pretend everything is the same... dont feel anything... numb yourself... feel better not open and raw... i tried so hard to ignore it...

as im pulling up to the exit for C.H. i remember i still need the halloween candy since my oldest wants to stay home and hand out instead of going t/t which is cool... well i get to the store and i get what i need but then as im paying - i find i have a few items i hadnt planned on buying and didnt really remember grabbing... must need em right? ya well... not really they ended up a binge for me... dumb food... i wish i wouldnt have bought that shit...

so i load the stuff and open a bag to eat starting the binge... i calculate the calories in each piece and i decide yep too much already gotta purge when i get home... so thats what i did..
then i got a call from the ortho surgery clinic about my son and have to take a copy of the paper referra. for his appt on monday... problem - i dont have a copy - shit! so i email my cm and she prints it out and says i just need to come get it before she leaves at 230 - cool! she is awesome! so i tell my son to get dressed he is going with me so i can get him a walk in with the dr to check his eyes...

we get to the hospital and go see my cm... i kind of filled her in on todays session and my fears and then she gives me the papers and we head to peds... shit! i forgot his id card grrrr! oh well its expired anyway - triple shit! so i go in and they make him and appt... one of the desk ladies says i can go to records across the hall and get a promisary note to have him seen today and get his meds if needed... cool... so i go get it...

LOVELY-  he has pink eye... hate that shit! so we go sit and sit and sit some more waiting to get the eye drops... we had his appt at 220 and we were seen at 210... and we got his meds at 403... ugh! ok so we head to the id office... need to get it cuz he has to have for mondays appt or cant be seen... we walk in at 408pm and the lady says r u the sponsor - the active military member? i said no im spouse... well u cant get his id card without a power of attorney or your sponsor here.... shit! so i sign in anyway and call the hubby... he flies out of a meeting at work and arrives in under 5minutes... signs the papers and get the id and he heads back to work we head to the gas station... waited forever but finally got the gas... went to his friends to see if he was also promoted in JROTC and finally came home... so by now it is...

522pm... MOOD: shitty
i feel like crap, my side hurts, and im trying to find an excuse to get me out of the dinner... i didnt have to cook i called my oldest sonto  start pizzas while we were gone rather than making tacos when i got back, as i had planned - i just did and do not want to cook... i want nothing with food right now and i really do not want to purge again... these dam weird episode feelings they scare me and i dont want to have any more... not only that but purging is beginning to really wear me down... i need some energy...

if i can just stop eating for a few days then slowly work into eating a little maybe i could find something safe...idk but as far as eating safe foods... im able to have green tea mints which 3 has 5cals and i only allow them 1x a day... thats not much but shit - its something!

so as far as bp for today - so far 1x and i am trying to resist another... im not sure how i really feel otherwise emotionally... i feel like a morbidly obese whale though and im not really sure why... i woke that way and well it just hasnt gone away...

another failure of a day for me...

611pm 27 Oct,2011
MOOD: disgusted, frustrated, tired, hate hate hate myself...

so i guess u can tell it was not the kind of day i wanted it to be... i ended up bp 2x which could have been worse i suppose but thankfully was not... the first one was just rice and the 2nd was a salad and cereal - yes an odd combo but thats what i had... no idea... anyway - it really made me angry that i caved the first time but the 2nd gave me the major itch to cut - so far ive resisted...

i saw cm today... i had another of those weird episodes while i was there and i told her... she was like maybe u need to be seen nd admitted? i was like no ill be fine... if it keeps up ill go... well its been a few times today but not too bad... i went back and saw her after the bookfair so she could see i was fine as she had said for me to do... she said she just wanted to make sure i was alive and still coherent... im grand...

im in a foul feeling mood right now... i feel disgusted and like i could rip myself apart if i didnt have anyone here right now... im so disgusted with myself and this dam eating issue...  i cant handle this shit much longer...

so with this - i had a pleasant chat with a friend on text today - that was nice... she is so sweet.
my son did his promotion board and first inspection for JROTC today and he was so excited when he came to tell me in the library... it made me smile for him.

my husband is home now - he got home at 6 - earliest all week but he has work to do again... prob not done to sit on the couch till at least 730... oh well at least he is home now... my son was so excited to tell him about the board he is still talking about it...

i cashed a check at walmart we got and i bought some groceries so that was good...

gotta go - guess this is all i have for tonight.

awake with hope for a "0" day

750am Oct 27, 2011
MOOD: a little jopeful, determined, anxious

so i am awake and i have a lot to do... i have already taken my meds - yay! (finally remembered!) i took my middle son to school - he looked SO handsome! he was all decked in his JROTC class A uniform - thats the dress suit he looked sharp! idk something about my boys and hubby all dressed up gets me all fluttery in my tummy! let me just add - my husband looks mmm good in his! ok enough of that...

so i also have already completed my update from lastnight... i had to leave near the end as he was standing in here over my shoulder and i just couldnt write so i posted and decided to finish it this am... done now... i have also already put a pot of rice in the cooker... my boys LOVE rice! so i normally keep a container of rice in the fridge that they can eat when they need a quick healthy snack and they love to eat it for breakfast... so yep it will be ready soon...

so yesterday ended not so great as far as bp goes - there was 4x... grrr i hate when i forget my meds it totally screws me up with the control over the thoughts and behaviors of bp... when i take it - i get the cravings a little bit but usually can mostly make myself wait and determine if that is really what i want or at least limit the times i do it... i guess though 4x is really not as bad as it could be!

so my title is  'hope for a "0"' day - this is because my hope and my goal for today - is to have 0 bp... now a while back i was able to eat 500 or less cals a day and i was not bp with it... i am not sure how i did it then - but i am hoping i can start to fall into that again... i have to work at the book fair for my middle son today at 11am this means for that time i will be so busy that bp wont be an option... in addition i have no $ to spend so cant stop and buy anything to bp on... if i decide to bp - it will have to be at home and i will have to make something... im sleepy right now, i know i will be when i get home so i dont think ill feel much like making anything to eat... which in turns = no bp... the only challenge after that then is dinner and the night time hrs before i go to bed - those have been hard for me the past few months... this past couple of weels though eating after 4pm has not been allowed - except lastnight, so i think i can do this if i really push... i really do want to be healthy and to be some what normal - i am just really struggling with how to do it... i feel like i cant do this on my own and it scares me to think what is going to happen if i keep going like this...

after all my weird feelings yesterday im scared of passing out or of even dieing and my boys finding me... i dont want that - that would be the worst thing ever... so i got some letters from remuda ranch - unfortunately the program in Va Beach closed last year so now they are only in Az... however they sent me some letters about they have a bunch of new insurance contracts with covverage for residential... i posted a message to their page about it asking if tricare is now accepted or not... id like to know i have that option if some how i change my mine... i know i am getting to a point where i may not have an option if i cant get better control soon...

i have been having really bad stomach pains when i eat or drink anything with calories - sometimes even tea or water are doing it... but these pains are really bad and i walk - sometimes run to the bathroom barely closing the door and everything is back up in a matter of sseconds... other times this pain is making so it hurts to even walk and i am unable to eat anything... when i try to eat my stomach flops and i about hurl nothing but the acid building in my gut at that moment... i feel like i have no chance because everything is backfiring on me...

tuesday at the meeting we discussed about how we told our parents and stuff... i was open about how my father found out and said it was just a phase and id outgrow it - obviously he knows everything... i also told them my fears of talking to my family on the phone... they most said they had a difficult time revealing their ed to their fam and most their fam took it with the what do we d first to help attitudes... some like my mother - which i also said i have no idea how she found out and just showed up at Del Amo one day while i was there, with my grandmother - i was so embarrassed, anxious and upset! anyway - i told them how even talking to my mom on the phone really triggers me because i am scared of being like her... one of the other girls completely related - she is petrified of becoming her mother... i also talked about how i dont discuss it with my mom - it is not a topic for us because it triggers me and also because she always blames herself, giving me guilt for letting her feel that and also she wants to know what she did to make me do this... some of the girls said thats what their parents asked as well... i guess its just nice to know im not alone with some of this shit...

i guess today i will go se my CM again as i had told her i would yesterday and i didnt go anywhere - i was too weirdish feeling! waiting for the counselor at my school to email me back how to get this paperwork to her - hopefully i will be starting school like next week or so! something to busy my time i think it will really help! also i am texting with a girl from the meeting and we r going to get together (maybe today?) and im going to try to teach her to crochet. this should be funs seeing as i only learned by looking at something and then my hands just did it... i think since she knows how to knit though - it should be a little easier for her to learn...

hmmm ok so my weight - i guess i will say that i have maintained - this is ok i suppose... i really was "hoping" for something smaller - but i know i cant try for it so not losing is the way it needs to become comfortable... comfortable in this body - this fat and grossness - i dont know if it will ever happen... i hate all of it and just wish i could peel myself apart to be someone else that i at least like and can bear and maybe eventually even love...

self punishment today - i have to be very careful with this... i am very triggered to cut to keep myself in check with the bp... i cant fall back to this - it is not safe and i get in a lot of trouble when i start... usually it becomes an addiction the first time because i recognize the relief from the pain and i dont want to let it go... i hope for strength to keep from my blaades...

have therapy tomorrow... will be up to go there and i hope i can just be strong and do what needs to be done today... so for now - i am going to start getting stuff done - away from the kitchen and food which i am feeling highly triggered from right now... i will add more to today through another post update later (i think this one is long enough!)... hope you all have a wonderful day!

a scarey day for me today...

730pm Oct 26, 2011
MOOD: disoriented, headache, tired but awake.

so well where to start? umm i guess with this morning... i woke early to get the boys off to school and then i went back to the bed... i was so groggy and sleepy there was no way i was functioning without some rest... my husband came in at 730 and i got up to make him some toast for breakfast - mistake... i should have taken my am meds - but i didnt i was rushing to get him breakfast so he could relax a bit before going back... well i was FREEZING so i made some oatmeal which i sat and ate slowly on the couch next to him... when he left i also made some eggs and then i purged and went back to bed... i felt really off... i was cooking the eggs and had to hold th counter to keep from falling out... everything was suddenly black around me and then my body got this heat wave went through my entire body.  i put my head down because i was not able to breath either and after a few seconds everything was fine... it happened a few times like when i was walking to the table and then on the stairs... it scared me so i just layed down - i fell back to sleep... maybe i was just tired?

i got up at 1200 when i heard hubby come through the front door... i came downstairs and made him some lunch and that was another mistake... i decided i wanted some salad so i made a salad and sat on the couch to eat next to him... i purged when he left and was watching HOUSE i love that show... i got up to go do the laundry and while i was in the washroom that feeling happened again and it scared me... it actually led me to another bp... after i purged - my boys were home so i went up and showered - i was freezing again... my body was purple - my toenails, fingers, legs and knees and hands and even my arms... i had to get warm.... when i go out i lay in the bed and watched NCIS...  i was getting bored (reruns grrrr) so i texted 2 people from the group on tuesday and i asked one (she is a nurse) about what was going on today and see what she thought it could be... she is also in recovery so she knows a lot about it all... i texted another girl and we chatte until about 7pm... that was nice... i need people near me that i can talk to who really get what is going on and dont judge or get angry for it... other than the people from the group - i dont know anyone anymore... ot since the seizure and not working anymore - nobody talks to me now and i just stay home...

lt me go back a second... well while i was in the shower i was really frustrated with myself... here is why. i had to put a folded hand towel in there to sit on and folded washcloths behind my shoulders because it hurt to sit in the bathtub... i mean really hurt... my back is sore from resting against the wall last night before the group... my husband said i am nothing but ribs, hip bones and skin... then i get upset because i cant see what he is telling me... other people who see me think i look great and others say i look skeletal... i have no idea what to think and im conflicted... i lost another lb - yep putting me 2lbs from my lowest.... i feel like im over reacting because i am not taking the mass amounts of lax like i was before - there fore i am at no risk and no worries... yet i have issues lie today where i cant breath and i go black and it scares me... i have nights where i get horrible chest pains and i dont know what it is... i roll to my right side and try to relax and just go to sleep... when i get these pains my head feels massive pressure like my head is being squeezed off my head...  all these things im noticing are beginning to frighten me... then there is the weight... i weigh myself and there are 2 sides of me... one is jumping for joy at the site of losing yet another lb... then there is the side which is frightened... i have never lost weight so easily as i have in the past 2 weeks or so... i dont understand even how it is falling as i have even reduced my workouts to make so that im not trying to lose - i do need some physical workout though or ill go nuts!

so sorry bout that ill finish this update now... my hubby was hanging on me and yikes - he cant read this!

so i was talking about how easily i have been losing weight and im not even sure how i am doing it... additionally i am annoyed with the fact i am noticing the discomforts of having lost so much weight... another being the dam seat belt rubbing my hipbones while im in the van - it really gets irritating... then there are the jeans... this is a really hard one because it triggers me very badly in both negative and a positive way - let me explain... so i have all these smaller cloths to wear now right? well my mind has always been that when the cloths fit - i need to lose more, yet i know i cant lose more... there is also the fact of the size - the size that i am wearing - well they dont fit anymore - they are lose and in most cases hang off of me... this triggers me to be more proactive and frustrated because i dont have the money to keep buying new ones and then there is the whole side of me that now i can achieve yet a smaller size... im getting smaller.... this is so confusing you know?

then there comes the part of my thoughts... im thinking im getting smaller - yes! but why? why keep getting smaller? i came to somewhat of an idea about why... the thing is i know - i HATE myself... i have so much self hatred and i just keep it all to myself and take it out on myself... well the smaller i get - the less of me there is this means additionally there is less of me to hate... i guess it makes sense... i have less of me to see - less of me to judge and less for the voices to cream at me about... yep it does make sense to me...

so well i guess it is time to go - ill post more in the update for Thursday.

what a day... (**weights - possible trigger**)

713pm 24 Oct 2011
MOOD: sore, tired - no exhausted, a little relieved.

so i tried to make a post yesterday from my phone but the dang thing would not type in the post section... i ended up just writting instead...

so yesterday was pretty ok in the aspects of i only bp 1x.... i was so anxious and nervous about the appt today with my dr and the new womens group tonight that it was causing me physical pain and eventually it lead to a severe migraine... was not good... went to bed at 9pm and i was awake every few minutes looking at the clock - it felt like the night was never going to end... no i was not excited - i was ready to get today OVER WITH!

i got up this am and i weighed and to my surprise i was down a bit more... i was a little scared after that so i drank a lot of water when i took my meds... at least it would not be so near that lower weight at the dr that way... i went to the hospital and got my meds filled then waited to see my dr... i got the weight check - finally over that, and it worked... the water had increased my weight by a lb... because i knew and was prepared for the scale to be a little higher so it didnt trigger me so much... with this weight of 103.2 ( which is what it was when i woke up - i weighed at the dr 104) i am just about my lowest weight ever which was 100 back in 2004... and i was REALLY scared of what she was going to do... i kept having thoughts of her walking through the door with a straight jacket and tubes to force me gain... im glad that didnt happen!

i left and headed to walmart which is where the day took a dive... at walmart i bought a lot of junk which i really did not need and i was aware of what i was doing... i was planning a binge on the drive home... i had sort of given myself permission to only have one today... well that was a mistake. i know better than to 'give myself permission' so im not sure really what was the reason i did but it doesnt matter because it just got worse... i got home and purged then i waited for my hubby to come for lunch... he was really late so i thought he wasnt coming and i changed into a lsightly warmer outfit and as i was  tieing my shoes he walked in the house... i sat with him while he ate his lunch and then he had 15min before he had to return to work...

when he left i waited a few minutes then went to the hospital again... the intentions were buy a water bottle then take the stairs to see my CM (case manager) and get a copy of the lab results if they were in... so when i got there i got the water and headed up to the 2nd floor to see her but the office door was locked. i know her office is inside the back of another office. the office they are in closes for a lunch but her office does not... i tried to call her but it said the number was no longer in service... ok so i went downstairs and headed to the records office - i could try to get the lab results a copy from them... when i rounded the corner there was a line of new recruits in for processing - about 25-30 people, nope not waiting in that line! so i decided to go upstairs one last time, there happened to be someone there and when she got off the phone she opened the door for me...

i talked to her for a while and i was so exhausted i felt like i was going to fall alseep right there... im not sure why i felt so much more tired today but i think it was all the anxiety and stress from the weekend waiting for today came rushing down when the apt was over and my body was ready for a rest... i stayed there for about an hour... we talked about the apt and the issue with my dr and her recommendations for ip... she wont remove that recommendation so long as i am still purging and needing the supplements... she didnt really seem concerned over my weight and i was surprised but happy about that!

when i finally left i headed home and i did it again - i binged on potatoes and 2 biscuits... i was so full i thought i was going to literally explode so i purged and felt so much better... but again and still so exhausted... i sat at the computer clearning emails and waited for the dr to call me back and discuss the results and when my next apt needs to be. i looked as some coupons and a few sites for surveys when she finally called. after we chatted i pulled the chicken out of the oven for the fam for dinner. i then got a message on my vm and it was for the meeting tonight - they lost all power so the meeting has been cancelled and rescheduled for next week... ugh...

for some reason this triggered me even more, i think because i was already so anxious about going and not wanting to that once it was cancelled i just needed a release and that was my autopilot reaction... my son got the mail for me and when i went up to purge and weigh, i lay back down in the bed and after a bit i fell asleep... i woke at about 630 when my husband came in the house and asked if anyone was home... i tried to sit up and pain through my left arm... i had forgotten i got that flu shot today and it has made me very sore... my husband called me a baby - i dont care it freakin hurts... i tried to get the one you snort but she said because of my low weight my body is more prone to getting the virus from that than the shot... grrrr... HATE needles! ok so i got it anyway... now my arm feels like a dead weight and it hurts to move it...

ive bp 3x today and it was really making me frustrated that i just cold seem to not find any control - then i remembered i took my meds late - like 11am which for some reason they seem to have not worked as well or i was just too triggered, anxious and nervous that they just werent enough... then i think - what if i hadnt taken them at all? yikes - would have been even worse!

so overall, even though i did bp more than i had intended - they were not super big ones and i was sort of able to gain control.... now tomorrow is going to be another challenge and i just hope i make it through... having nothing to do all day - well that leads to massive boredom = bp... so i need to force myself to be busy doing something - i just am not sure what...

well guess im off for now as im really tired and now it is 745pm... i need to get the boys to bed and then get myself to bed but need to make sure i take night meds first!

can somebody please...

Friday 21 Oct, 2011
4:40pm   MOOD: determined, anxious, scared...

ok so id like for somebody to come take over my body and mind for a while - please?! im really not doing so great here and im not sure what i want anymore...

let me go back - ok so i was surprised when my dumb period started monday - i  mean hello? i thought i wasnt going to get it since i hadnt yet and it was like 2 weeks late... but i also thought maybe since the lower weight? well i had lost it before from the lower weight but now with the prozac - i think im gonna get it no matter what weight... oh well...

so sunday i decided (like an idiot!) to NOT take my meds... i wanted to challenge myself - see that i can do everything WITHOUT the medication - BAD let me restate that BAD IDEA!!! ya it ened up being like nonstop b/p and i was sick as shit when i went to bed... my head hurt and i was exhausted to the point i could barely keep my eyes open.

so enough of that nonsesne... monday morning came and i was just as exhausted as when i woke and i really just wanted to sleep - so after the boys went to shool - i went back to bed... when i got up i took my meds and lets just say the b/p was way better! i was really achey and crampy and i was like wtf?? then when the cycle hit - well i knew y and i just tried to relax... i took 800mg motrin and it didnt even make a dent in the dumb pains i was having... i was actually debating going to the dr...

tuesday morning came and still the bad pains and cramping but at least i knew y... i got the boys to school then i lay back down and looked up some stuff on craigslist then started to fall asleep so i locked the phone and dozed off... about 37min later my phone rang- my son was in the nurses office because he was vommitting all over the place... i went to get him and while there made it a worthwhile trip in that i also dropped off all my "fat clothes" to the school for their teens... yes - for me they were my fat clothes, i suppose for othes they are a normal decent size but i dont want them around because i dont want an excuse to fit them again! when it all comes down to it - ive nearly lost ** lbs (sorry no numbers) which has ultimately put me to my lowest since moving here and almost to my lowest since 2004... im not sure ill make it to that - but i wish i could, logically im trying to not let myself have permission... my son needs to work on his 1mile run time so we went to the track and he ran a mile - i walked because running hurts my foot too much...

ANAD was tonight and it was ok... i sat in the hall a bit doing some of my workbooks until one of them triggered me and i decided it was time to put it away... then it was time for the meeting, and noone was there yet... a few min later 2 other girls showed so we went into the room and then the moderator and the Dr showed and it was time to do the group... well... the conversation was not much on me - i really didnt feel like talking... i was glad when it was tie to head home... what i did find interesting was that the past month or so weeks (?) i had been b/p before or on the drive up - this time i refused to let myself and i won! kiss that BN! 

wednesday was another day where things were ok - just really exhausted still... hate feeling so tired and im ready for some energy back! ive realy had like NO TIME with my husband because of his suckish work schedule right now - in at 230am and home after 7-8pm... its really annoying but - the cable internet went down today and they said it will probably be down or off and on until saturday sometime... when he actually got home at 5pm he came and sat on the couch with me... we put in "Ghost Rider" with Nicholas Cage and watched it... at the end - we went to bed... i hit the pillow and was out but tossed and turned a lot... he slept like a rock...

thursday well this day was a big mistake from the wakeup... ugh... i woke up and then got the boys to the bus... i was planning to take a snooze for a bit but i couldnt so i took a long shower to get warm and then headed to run some errands... i dont remember too much of the early part of the day but i ended up from somewhere around 1pm till i went to bed at 830pm b/p 3x... i was frustrated because i didnt want too but i had like no control - it was like i was watchingthis person eat and puke and it was making me angry... then i realized i didnt take my meds in the am grrr.... ok i will deff take friday morning meds!

so we come to today... yep it started early and is still going on... feels like it may never come to an end! i woke this am to get the boys to school and then i lay on the couch for a bit - i was trying to go to sleep and relaxing after having taken my meds... i just didnt want to bp and was fighting hard.... suddenly my husband was home for a few minutes so i lay with him on the bed for a few minutes - i just wanted to be held a little while and he wanted to hold me... well he had to get up because he had to ge his other clothes on and get to work... thats ok i needed to get my stuff together and head out anyway... i had therapy this am and was planning to stop at martins and see what they had on their clearance rack.... i made the drive and with all the traffic was about 25min early so i went to martins quickly and bought lots of breads really quick - only spent $5! i got 2x 12grain loaves, 1x Italian loaf, 3x honey wheat sandwhich thins, steak rolls, wheat sub rolls, and 2x kaiser large dinner rolls! what a deal! anyway - i quickly left and parked at my therapists office... i listened to some music for a few minutes and also made sure my med notebook was updated then it was time to talk.... i was tired and my head was pounding... not to mention i was a little dizzy - from the headache which i decided was a migraine... in my appt i was able to somewhat ignore it as her office is lit but not super bright and no lights or sun in my face....

1100am MOOD: anxious, triggered, tired, determined

so im 'free' (lol) and i drive home... now here is the challnging part - i am triggered to bp but at the same time i really am repulsed by the thought of any food in my mouth or body... so i make the stop at walmart and get a bag of chips for hubby and some almond milk for me (35cals a cup) now hopefully ill drink it without it being a purge after...

i pull into the driveway thinking i was going to go to the pawn shop to get another loan to have gas and food for the rest of the month when my hubby's car is parked on the side... grrr... i mean i want to see him i just was not expecting him until 2 and that sort of messed up my schedule... when i get in the house i quickly put the breads away and tell him what is for dinner and then sit on the couch... i was a little out of breath from moving so much so fast and i was feeling a bit lightheaded seeing as i was feeling really dehydrated - and the migraine, ya those togethr dont help anything... he told me he was home until 1pm so i was like ok... in my head i rethunk my schedule and was ok... he actually left at 1215pm when his 1st sgt called and he was told everyone needed to be back now... worked better for me anyway that way...

i went and got the loan, stopped at the grocery store and then got some fuel and came home... i put everything away, drank a sip of tea and lay on the couch then sons started coming through the door oldest, middle then youngest... told them there were snacks in the drawers if they wanted to have one... my youngest came and lay on my side for a bit but said my hipbone was hurting him so he got up and sat at the end of the couch... a few min later, about 345pm-ish, my hubby came home... well dinner changed just a little... he had 2 huge plates of bbq'd pork chops... so instead of them havin chicken patty sandwiches - they can have porkchop sandwiches...

well time has gone by - obviously and i made my son his dinner...i had a VERY hard time letting myself make the food and TOUCH it... i just reminded myself it wouldnt hurt me jut to make it and i finally finished and came to my desk... i relaxed a little and the breathing got a little better... a bit later, about 430pm my hubby said he was making a sandwich for himself did i want one? i said no i ate a chop while making my son's dinner and he was ok with that.. i did cut some tomatoe for him and cleaned and cored the lettuce then came back to my computer to do this writting... i needed to get my head away from food because i was really craving to cave in to bp...

well it is now 536pm MOOD: determined, anxious, nervouse, scared, worried

 i have managed to have 1cup of tea and 1 stick of gum today... my migraine is still here and rather annoying... it is making me also nauseated so i just dont want to eat anyway... im also having really bad cramps which is odd seeing as my cycle should nearly be done...

im really nervouse and anxious about monday - totally NOT looking forward to it... i have to do the weight check andi tried to get out of it - didnt work... then i have to start the abuse group monday night... nope - DEFFINATELY NOT looking forward to monday...

this fight is exhausting...

15 Oct, 2011
9:10am MOOD: determined, exhausted

i have actually been awake since about 7 but i was so exhausted i just lay in the bed tossing and turning until i was sick of it and got up... went downstairs and noone had eaten breakfast, they all came down after me...whatever i dont even care... im really not sure how today will go, lastnight i ended up bp on hotdogs and 2 slices of cheese (no breads)... i was really surprised at the numbers on the scale this morning but they were welcomed... i think im going to try to get some house work done bbl...

4:15pm MOOD: exhausted and still determined

ok so since my last part of this post i have managed to scrub the shower, toilet, sink, and counters. i also showered then put all my laundry away (only like 5 things) and then made the bed... vacuumed upstairs and downstairs, cleaned the downstairs bathroom, swept the kitchen and diningroom, baked muffins, made rice, moved foods into the house freezer from deep freeze, organized my desk and cleaned it off. i also baked fresh squash and potatoes and finished the last load of laundry... so i have been very busy and im so exhausted but pleased that i have been able to ignore B this whole time YAY! (im going to use the letter B = Bulimia from now on)... so im also making pizza for dinner tonight and that will be a HUGE challenge to not to eat and im going to have to figure out how to even get out of it but im determined to throw B out and this is the only way i can do it...

ive been having a very hard time with even making myself drink anything, ive made some tea today also so i have been trying to drink that, so far ive had almost 28oz today... at least its some but when i weighed it kind of freaked me out that the scale was up so much - i know that it is from the liquid though so im trying to be ok with it for now... tomorrow will be the test - if its still high i may freak out if its back down, i think ill be better able to have liquids tomorrow...

ive had so much energy even though i have been exhausted as well... and now i feel like im crashing - hard... i just want to sleep so maybe ill take a short nap? ill try to get back on later - but im not sure i will...

615pm MOOD: highly triggered - massive fighting urges... Very hard

ok so I am very triggered right now but I can't cave...I'm worried what will happen tomorrow? I'm scared of my weight as I checked and its up from only tea... So not cool. I made pizza for dinner and I chose to not have any...used the excuse of stomach acid - which is partially true as it is bad right now... But I also know if I even have 1 bite I will purge and I'm really trying not to today...its getting late and I normally don't eat so late so hoping I can fight through tomorrow... It puts me to 1x for 2 days now believe me my body needs this break - I've not gone this long in quite some time... So time for spending time watching NCIS with hubby....

not even baby steps - toe crawling?

today is friday 14 oct, 2011
2:15pm MOOD: anxious, worried, afraid

so well my last post didnt go through so well... that was because i was on my phone and it skipped to another section of the screen and i was unable to get back to where i needed and make corrections and publish... i decided lastnight to just post as it was and i did the other updates in word which i printed for my therapist... lets just pick up from today and pretend the rest of the week didnt exist?

ok so i cant do that - i know... so every day i have managed to keep bp right @ 3x... it sux - but at least it isnt more... i had the ANAD and it was ok... i mean there was only 4 of us there and i was able to bring up the issues with my middle son and the students teasing him about his weight and how that really affected his appetite and mood... great - i do NOT want or need them to help him develop and ed - he already has the predisposition seeing as it is partially geneteic - ugh....

i was able to keep myself from getting drunk the entire week - it was hard! i wanted to get drunk so many times but i didnt... then sunday as i had posted - i got my period at like 1pm... well the next day and every since - it has been gone... i was looking back over some notes of when i had my last one - aug 29th so this was was not only short it was late... cool  by me - i hate em anyway...

today was therapy... wow - it was a hard one for me...  i first went to martins before my session and while i was there had a mild panic /anxiety attack when i was trying to find maybe something i would eat and be able to keep down... honestly it scared the shit out of me and i left buying nothing... i walked next door to cvs and got my boys some gummy bears... i still had quite a while till my appt so i sat in the van and read my anorexia self-help workbook... it was 10min till session so i drove over and waited...

here's where it got tricky... i do NOT cry - EVER... i hate crying... when i cry i feel like a whiney baby and like i have no right to cry... well as we were talking about the week and then in deeper about ed... my feeling like i am not anything to worry about - im not that sick... there should be no concern... comments my boys made about my rib cage and my bones and my husband again as well... then there was the whole 2 new prs of pants i got that i was surprised fit and before i put them on they were small - after i had worn them they look huge... well as we were talking about my sons noticing and probably catching on about the ed - i nearly broke into tears... i hate this... i dont want them worried - i know my husband is...i know that my treatment team is concerned (? not sure this is the word i wanna use but all i can think of right now) i dont want my babies worried or concerned too - i dont want them to know about ed at all...

then we got into the issue that my youngest son actually weighs a little more than i do - his bmi is 20... he is healthy and perfect for his little body... so then why is my body so much bigger and more disgusting? why do i need to be smaller? i have no idea and honestly i dont know when it will ever be enough... she was telling me how the reason i am noticing the discomforts is because i am trying to recover... that means i am aware of feelings and pains/aches in my body i never really noticed before... idk it makes some sense but its just annoying...

we talked also about my always being cold... now i have always been that way... i have never really had issues like lately though where my legs and feet and hands turn purple and my lips start turning a purple / blue as well... no thats more cold than normal even for me... i sometimes get so cold i have to actually binge on something warm (ie: oatmeal) and then i purge but it starts the warming from the inside out - i can feel the warmth in my body and i start to feel better but usually the only thing that really usually works is sitting in the shower and plugging the bathtub... the water is usually actually fairly room temp but for me it feels like it is boiling until i start to warm again... the tingling in the arms and legs is bad lately too... like my hands will start to go numb and then they will tingle or if they are cold they tingle bad as they get warm... that is actually very uncomfortable...

i was thinking last night about my father - why i have no idea... cant stand the man or his family... regardless i was thinking about him and his wife... i was remembering how when i live with them i was 4" taller than her and only about 8lbs more... everyone used to comment about how small and thin she was... i never really thought it an issue for me because i was fatter - but in reality i was thinner... noone was worried or made those comments to me so it reinforced my thinking process that i was in fact fat... whats more is i eventually was even a smaller weight and i still wanted to lose more... not much has changed in that realm of thinking...

i know i cant lose more... but in 100% honesty - i want too... i want to lose like 25lbs more... would it kill me? probably or very close... i know i cant do it but in my head its all that comes about in my thinking is how much smaller can i get? all i really ever think about is when im going to eat and purge next or how can i get out of the next meal or get some extra workout in... it gets tiresome and i do so wish i didnt always have the constant battle going on... a little break would be so nice...

today is a very bad day for me though... i am highly triggered and honestly i dont want it changed... i want this feeling because it makes me not want to eat and not want to bp... i am worried though because i know how fast it makes me spiral... but maybe i will finally escape the grasps of bulimia? i dont know but i have hope and for now thats all i can hold on to...

im really struggling today with even drinking plain ol ice water... i want too - but i am so scared it will lead to a binge so im afraid to do it... ive managed about 20oz so far and i got some powerade zero and ive had one drink from that... we are making chili dogs for dinner - im not planning to eat... i have no idea yet how to get out of it - but i plan too... this will be my first day without mia interfering in a very long time and i really want this to work!

been thinking about making myself a time schedule for when i have to eat and also a basic menu of what i have to eat a each of those times... i was reading in the anorexia self-help book and it is called mechanical eatin - even if you dont want to or dont feel like it - you eat what you need to anyway... eventually it is supposed to get easier... i doubt that seeing as thats what they do when u r ip but i have tomake that next step some where...

all this past week since friday, i have managed to have something and not purge... granted sometimes it was just chewable viatmins and other times it was greeen tea mints... in fact yesterday i had the mints, the vitamin, gum and a flavored drink - all of which was throughout the day and i did not purge... i cant quite call it baby steps more like toe crawling - but its forward and not back at least!

ok here is another random thing... u know that fine downy hair supposedly we grow from being underweight and malnourished? i swear i have never had that - but then today i was reading that book and they describe it better and i was surprised when i had to admit i do have that! that is not a positive thing just something i had never realized before and i always thought well im just not sick or im over reacting to all this and its really nothing to worry about... if i could see what everyone else says they see - maybe it would be easier to combat... i have no idea... looking in the mirror when your child tells you u r too boney or your ribcage has a huge hole in it where your stomach should be and not seeing anything but rolls of globbed fat - it is very contradictory and confusing...

i suppose im going to go for now... i have been on here writting this for quit some time - it is nearly 3pm now! im tired and i think i need to laydown... im not triggered to eat im just triggered the opposite and for once - its nice...

when will i know?

it is monday early afternoon 3:44 pm exactly...
mood: tired, worried, feel like shit, achey all over

ok so lets go back a few days...yikes i have done badly with writting every day gotta do better from today on...so friday i had session and it was fairly - deep...there was a lot of discussion when it came to my binge drinking and after that was over the harder stuff...i mean the drinking is bad just not as bd as it can get so trying to catch it before it gets to bad and becomes another issue... so then we talked about the whol my needing to stay small and my reasons why i feel this way...there was a lot of discussion and deep thoughts i had to deal with...i had intended to do the workbooks for ed but well i still have not...i think it is the ed really holding  me hard and not giving me reaching or breathing room...that means when im trying to combat this dam disorder it is pushing against me and im not winning...i will just have to keep fighting i suppose...
so then friday night after 3 harsh bp sessions i was exhausted and feeling bad...my side was having pains and it was really bad in my lower left side - hoping not kidney infection...when i go to bed i decide im not going to drink tonight after all and so i do not.
in the morning my husband goes to work and i tried to sleep in - didnt work...i got up intending to have a bp free day and clean but well that didnt exactly happen...instead i started the bathroom and headed downstairs where i made foods to bp on without even thinking...im sitting down to eat and hubby comes home - very early and i feel trapped with whatever i had just eaten i knew had to get rid of it... so after a few min i decided to "startt cleaning" again and made my way to our bathroom and bedroom and i purged then put laundry away, vacuumed, and finished the counters in the bathroom...i felt better and i knew the day had to go on...i alternated between cleaning and bp and it ended up a 3x day again... i was in pain at bedtime from my lower back and side and although planning to ge drunk decided against it...
sunday morning i woke up and just felt like i could not sleep or get comfortable...i finally  managed to move around a bit, take a few short naps and of course bp 3x by the end of the day...again exhausted and having the same dam kidney di m pain i at least thought i knew why...my period had come on around 1pm - no wander i was so tired and having those dam crampy feelings... ugh... thought it wasnt due ye but i think its actually late?

sleepless nights and manic days...

447pm 06 oct 2011.....
mood: anxious, have pain, tired, still slightly manic...

so i could not sleep all night... i was so tired i went to bed at 730 and fell asleep fast with my meds and 10mg of melatonin... well then my husband woke up to go to work - he had to work a night shift for this army thing he is in charge of... anyway, when he got up i woke and i could not get back to sleep... at one time i did fall into a slight sleep and then i woke when i jumped in my sleep and bit my tongue... ive been having weird dreams and jumping a lot in my sleep lately... its weird...
ok so a few hrs have passed (715pm now) and let me say today has been a very long, anxiety filled triggered day full of b/p and personal disappointment... i wanted to make less than 3x i had done it since the 26th of sept but i didnt make it today... i say it is because i didnt sleep and the medications just didnt seem to help at all... idk... i will do better tomorrow though - i have too.
outside of this i really dont have much else to say except im reall confused with some crap my body is doing that makes no sense....
im worried about my friend who is fighting ed right now too - fighting for her life... bmi is 13.86 and she is getting a peg feeding tube... im scared - i dont want that to ever be me... but i dont want it to be her either - i know she needs it and she agreed to it because she doesnt want to die... i really pray she finds her way to escape ed and see what a wonderful person she is...
i have therapy tomorrow and i did do my work this week and i have really been trying... some days ive done much better than others but i havent given up and that was one of my goals... i also know i will be facing consequences for some personal choices i made during the week and well thats what happens when you make poor decisions... but then again - any decision has a consequence that will be dealt with... desired or not...
well my husband should be home soon - really late, supposed to be home at 1pm and go back to work tomorrow at 2am... now idk if they are making him still go back that early or not...
i guess im off till tomorrow hopefully for some sleep!

keep rolling along...

701pm...
mood: grrr... FAT, anxious, disgusting, nauseated, exhausted, failed - do i need to say more?

so ya - like the title says rolling on - i feel like im rolling or at the very least waddling... i feel disgusting and huge... i have failed at fasting and at trying to bp less than 3x - but i only did do 3x... my day was long... i took my son to the dr and i was doing good until... they had given me a paper said the appt was today but in the computer it was not until the 12th... the dr said she would give refills on the advair and fill out the asthma care plan since she saw him not too long ago - just come back at 1 for them... great... ok so i took him to the px where as we were climbing out of the van someone tells us it is closed - they have no power.... grrr... so now to make a change for his lunch - i was getting him subway in the px... he wanted chinese and i knew what that meant - oh well... took him to chinese, purged at the resteraunt and finished a few min later after we walked into books a million... i bought him a book and a cute journal for the lady at the hospital - she is so nice... she has been there since before we were assigned here the first time... she loves giraffes and her whole face lit up when she got the journal from my son... she has i think cerebral palsey and is in a wheel chair full time... she collects giraffes...

ok so we get the papers and now have to sit in the pharmacy for his meds... i was going to take him to the last hr of school but we would see after we waited... nope... was 215 when we left so no school for him and we went to the px real quick... while there i bought a bunch of 'junk food' knowing full on in the back of my mind what was going to happen as soon as i got home and it did... i bp on the circus peanuts and then some pasta and purged... my weight is only up.08 of a lb so i guess thats not bad probably from the water i drank... i did make my 64oz goal though... i guess thats good...
so now i am finishing this update, i already took night meds and im ready to sleep... my husband goes back to work at 1045 tonight and wont be home until after 1pm tomorrow afternoon... so i have no idea what im going to do with my time but i hope it involves activity, sleeping and no bp...

one thing i forgot to mention in here is that i did also update all my notebooks for my dr and therapist i also wrote my next months goals, my 3 personal goals and updated my past goals progresses...

then i had this sudden nagging and screaming question in my head - what is small enough? so far all the sizes and clothes have not been small enough... i look at people and i think wow i want to be that size and then i wonder - am i even near that or what do i need to do to get there? my goal is not really to lose more weight - if it happens im happy with that... but right now the goal is just to maintain... although i must be honest and say that when i gained due to my monthly cycle i freaked out and yes i did try and successfully lose it down again... but ive not gone under... so i think that is ok....

anyway... so for tonight... audios

is it really all THAT bad?? ***TRIGGERS****

so it is 807am...
mood: shitty

ok so u ask y shitty? im thrilled the number on the scale is back where it was a few weeks ago...that sudden jump up had me very freaked out even though i know it wasnt that much...i can still see the difference...ive not been putting weights because i dont want to it to be a trigger for anyone - even myself, however today for my own piece of mind im putting some numbers... thighs 16", waist 23", hips 23", chest 31"... bmi 15.8...wt:*** (im not putting the weight but i know what it is)

so now that i have all that down i look at those and i think wow! those r some good numbers! then those voices start screaming - not good enough! what will it take to make them happy??? IDK

lastnight...
ok so it was going pretty good... i was highly triggered though and was about to binge when hubby walked in the door - i decided not too...then im driving to group (which i facilitated since the regular person was in training at work) when i start with the light headedness, the silver stars and the shakey feeling - i feel the blood sugar slipping fast so i cave... i binged on circus peanuts and purged... it was a relief to get those feelings gone and to get the acid out of my stomach but then i was again a failure... however i reminded myself as long as i didnt do it again - 1x was a lot better than it has been!

945pm...
i get home from the group and im trying to be quiet - everyone was asleep...i hear my husband take the stairs down grrr i woke him... i feel bad when i wake him he has to get up so early... so i get my vitamins and take off my shoes and belt and head upstairs to get ready for bed and im bushed!
then comes the sleepless, restless, tossing and turning of the night.. .im so sick of not sleeping and im exhausted now!

today i have to take my son to the dr to get his advair filled and asthma careplan signed by the dr... then thats it for the day... im worried ill blow it and bp and then gain a ton and it scares the shit out of me! so for  now, goal: drink 64+ oz of water, chew gum and make it 1 breath at a time...

the tide is rushing in and i think im drowning...

640am 04 oct, 2011

im awake. its early. i hadto get my boys up so they could get ready for school. update this past few days - well ive made it a week with bp 3x a day - better but not good enough... today the goal is to fast. i have a friend also fasting with me. like ive said before fasting helps me not purge but then i have to figure out how to eat to make that effective.
lets see.... sat i got drunk as a skunk... i was extemely triggered and just didnt give a shit after the comment my husband made... let me skip back again to friday for a moment... ok so friday was payday. this meant the money was in the bank and i could do all the grocery shopping before and after my therapy session. so thats what i did...well after i came home  and put all the groceries away i made my way to the px and looked at ome clothes... i need some nice pants and tops not tshirts and jeans if im going to get a job. well i found these cute union bay pants. they are black pinstripped. low waisted which i dont care much for but these days not much choice... anyway the design is like a skinny pant and the material feels like slacks. i found 2 pairs one the smallest they had then one size up. thinking the smallest would not fit and knowing full on that would trigger me - i tried them on anyway. i think my jaw hit the floor! i pulled them up without even unbuttoning them! in fact i didnt even know that buttoned at first - i thought the button was design! well they were a little loose but way better than anything else i had so since they were on clearance for $5 i bought them... so skip backto sat... i showed my husband the pants and he says - they are nice. they look dressy enough so they should work when i get an interview.... well then i had washed them friday night so now they were dry and i decided to wear them with my black top. i put them on and although i didnt feel like they were small or cute anymore, i was ok with wearing them. they didnt looktoo tight and they werent dropping to the floor. then it came. m husband says those pants are horrible! they have no waist and look like they are falling off! you better wear a long shirt with them... oh boy.. i was triggered to hell and back now and my mood - in the toilet now.... so i grab a jacket that is nearby to cover my ass and make so the pants were only visible on my legs and we headed out to run a few errands i had missed the day before. the end of the day - i got drunk as a skunk, trying to forget and be numb, and threw the pants into the wash. i dont ever plan to wear them again.
then sunday - yikes... lets say i woke up early with massive headache/hangover and went back to sleep after sitting in the shower for an hr... next thing i knew it was 10am... i had to take the movie back to redbox so i did and the day, like sat, ended with 3x bp... so let me go back again and say i was supposed to go get labs on the 26th. i didnt. i was going to go friday but i got so busy i again didnt. aftergetting drunk on sat i was not going to go yesterday either, however when i woke i still was undecided. i came downstairs to get the boys ready and the next thing i knew my stomach was hurting and i was bent over purging - ya i binged. fuck. ok so i still went over and got right in to get my labs - i didnt even wait 5min. i knew this meant the glucose would be high and since i had gotten drunk i had decided to double a few of my supplements and make sure nothing was low so i was hoping it had worked... i left the hospital and was on my way to rite aid when my middle son calls and needs picked up - he is throwing up and has diahrea... grrrr... ok im on my way i tell him. after i get him i go to the riteaid, the bread store, the pawn shop and stop to get food at wendys. ya i know not the best choice for him but he was hungry and it was right there. he loves chicken sandwhiches so thas what we got - yep we... which of course meant it was time number 2 for bp... i got home as i was finishing the food then made some peanut butter toast and afterwards i purged... it actually felt god to be empty again but then the blackness came and i had to hold the door to keep from falling down. i hate that.
i left again this time to the px and then to the other pawn shop where i got his ipod back... on the way home i also stopped at my case managers (cm) office... i talked to her for a bit then came home...exhaustedand still triggered i got on my touchpad and started looking on craigslist for jobs and items people posted they want to buy... my husband is suddenly walking through the door - early! wow! i ask if he is off for the day and he says yes. i ask can he help me color my hair and he again says yes - after i get out of my uniform. of course - i would not exppect him to help in his uniform it could get stained which = ruined... he gets the dye all in my hair and i wait the 30min time... the whole while looking on craigslist and watching law and order... i rinse the hair and lay on my bed - exhausted. next thing i know - it is 5 pm...ooops! i fell asleep! i get up and glance at my hair in the mirror it is dark - it is black and it makes my eyes stand out and my face look pale. i dont care - i like it this way it matches my feelings...
i head downstairs and tell my husband i had fallen asleep. he comes and sits on the couch next to me with his arms wrapped around my waist - i love that. i feel safe... i have no idea what i am making for dinner... at 510 i say how about pizza? i can do that in 15 min... he says sure that sounds good... so i get the stuff ready and together we make the pizzas... i journal while they are cooking and tell my hubby im  not eating - i have a headache - which wa very true. i felt like my head was going to explode... he gives me a look so i cave in. i grab a plate and eat 2 slices then head upstairs and purge. grrr that makes it 3x now and it pisses me off... so instead of heading back downstairs, i grab my cup and make a vodka and sugar free (sf) hawaiian punch drink... im going to get drunk again... im disgusted and frustrated and pissed at myself and i need the 'high' from the alcohol - the break from my thoughts and my life.... i finish the drink and the boys are in bed and hubby comes in the room... things get 'busy' from there and i just float outside my body... im drunk and i dont care.... i get up and go to the bathroom - i puke the vodka drink. disgusting so acidy and it makes my teeth feel weird - but my stomach feels better and i just want to sleep... when i go back to the bed my husband is already there and says come over here... i said no i want to go to sleep. he says i want to hold you. i said ok come over here and turn the tv and light off then you can hold me. i cant sleep with all that stuff on... after a few minutes of his harrassing me we both scooted a bit and he turned everything off and wrapped both arms around me... he can reach all the way around with one arm now - i love it... that makes me feel safe and close and even somewhat small.... i dont know when i drifted off but sometime in there i did... i was up and down all night though kept using the bathroom... at 3 something i fb some friends i had texted with lastnight and apologized for my demeanor as in my brutal honesty and my downer repoire... idk if they will want to still be friends and i understand if they dont... i also explained i was um...slightly intoxicated...
one of the girls i talk to pretty regularly, she and i have pacted for today to fast together... i thought i would sleep most the day and it would be easy but that hasnt happened... i ws up at 5 and ive been up since doing things... ive caught up the laundry, put away all my laundry, picked the outfit for today, got all 3 boys ready for school and on the buses and even took my med... now i just have to stay strong the rest of the day...

i do have things to do:

1. go to the commisary for a few items they were out of on sunday and friday. maybe they have emtoday since yesterday was delivery and stock day.
2. my sons advair ran out so need to get filled at the pharmacy.
3. i need to organize the clothes im giving to the school because i am giving some of the tops to the girls at the ANAD.
4. i need to go to the bank and check out this person for a job - he paid me $400 for the week already but i am leery of illegal stuff and so is hubby so im going to check it out before i do anything.
5. i need to buy some tan and brown sox - i dont have any.
6. shoe carnival to return my boots - they hurt my feet. maybe ill get some red shoes if i can find some!
7. call barnes and noble about the nook boo i ordered.
8. work on cleaning the house when i get home. tis place is a mess!
9. find something and get it started for dinner tonight.
10. ANAD

ok so i also need to update my therapy notebooks. i figured out my goals and stuff and i wrote it in my journal but now i need to actually document them.

oh and before i forgot - the dr'ing of the labs although not condoned - it worked and things came back fairly ok...

also i was thinking while putting my laundry away... i was thinking about how exspensive clothes are... this made me go back to my childhood and how we never had much money so buying new clothes was often not an option... this made me think maybe that is another reason i need to be small? i need to not have to buy more clothes... things need to always fit so we dont waste the money... idk it made sense in my head but now that i type it here it seems kind of dumb...

so time to get myself going and get things done... ill try to post more later if not then tomorrow...

so someone posted this on fb and i had to share it here because THIS is what i see when i look at myself... this is how scary and disgusting i look to me... anyone scared? (btw she IS wearing pants - they are leggings!)

GROSS!!!

 

********UPDATE********

ok so now it is 240pm...
so far today ive managed to have 48oz of ice cold water... ive been triggered as hell and been able to resist... i went to walmart, target then the commisary, home, the hospital for med refills for my son, then home with hubby for 1.5hrs. next i went to shoe carnival and exchanged my boots that were defective, target to use their bathroom (thought i would explode otherwise!), the bank (i had to hand them some items including emails and a fraudulant check i received via fed ex on sat), then back to the hospital to see my cm again about my appt and my labs... i needed to know if i was going to need to redo them since it will be 3weeks before my appt... then i came home... i forwarded all the remaining emails to the bank manager, put water on to boil for the dinner tonight and sat down to update this days progress... in all today has been very busy and ive not given in to mia! im having a hard time as i am still home alone and it is ever so triggering when im feeling as i do right now... very dark and down, but i have to keep fighting or this will never get under control and out of my life.
i have ANAD tonight and the lady who is the leader/moderator texted me asking if i can bring some resourceful info tonight... i said yes. so i need to print out the webinar and then im bringing my ed resource book and my 2 ed workbooks that are self-help... she said that would be perfect... i think now after ive finished making the dinner i might try for a short nap before i have to head out tonight... im exhausted and besides usually makes the time go by faster when i sleep!