day 12 and it was VERY triggering!

745pm Friday                                                                                                                      
MOOD/EMOTION: EXTREMELY TRIGGERED and anxious

so ive been writing in my physical journal the past few days - ive actually had the time nd focus!  but tonight i left both journals in the van and it is COLD outside so i dont feel like going to retreive it!

today has been so hard for me! i had a LOT of shopping to do and was supposed to do my labs this am... got up at 7am and dressed then headed to the hospital... hubby had texted me he forgot to shave so i brought his shaver with me and he met me in the lobby... i didnt get the labs because the dr had put them in for jan 3 or later...oh well!

next i went to the px, sams, then staples and michaels...after all this we went to big lots and it was noon! hubby texted me for some lunch so i took him a pizza and got one for the boys too...i had 2 slices of low cal (40/slice) wheat bread and some sf jello... after the lunch my son and i went to good will, then walmart and finally to the comissary...we finally got home at 6pm!

we unloaded all the groceries and i put them away... well all the cold stuff then i sat and ate a salad and a vegetarian roast beef sandwich when i finished i was going to have some nuts but decided not too... and i put the rest of the groceries away...took me over an hr and now im eating sf.jello again... having some coffee too and im at 360 cals for the day - additionally this makes 12 days ive eaten and not purged... i think im about done eating for the day but i may still have an apple or apple sauce idk yet... i know all the shopping we did today - ive more than burned what i ate off!

i feel extremely full and i dont like this feeling - it triggers me more and today i was about to bp many times but i resisted and just had something to drink... i got some yarn today and a package from hubby's grandma and it was also full of yarn - yay! tomorrow i plan to clean and spend some time crocheting - im exhausted tonight... gonna take meds here soon and go to bed...

i did find the mini sandwich thins today - each small 2 pces is 50 cals... they are small but i can make them look big! i also got some vegan burges, sausage, breakfast sandwiches, 100 cal ready made protein shakes, a new journal, some 100 cal fruit crisps and raspberry cheesecake snack bars (90 cals each), also packets of instant oatmeal with 100cals a pack and same with the grits...i also got some sugar free applesauce with 50cals a serving and ind packets of light cream cheese which are 70cals each...dont forget my almond milk, egg beaters and calorie free dressing (x2), some coffee, ind non-dairy cream packets, koolaid and some other stuff like shampoo and melatonin...tomorrow i want to get the boys hair cuts and also get me some magnesium and stuff... i am going to make sure i do NOT bp tomorrow! oh also got me some sf jello as well and a new body pillow since i left my other one at the hospital and im NOT going back! i found some mini chocolates like york, reeses etc... and the small bars with hersheys, mr good bar and nestle for like $1!

so i am about to head to bed... might shower first but night wait till the am... gonna make myself some eggbeaters for breakfast and maybe a slice of toast - thats 100cals... deffinately some coffee too!!!
good night!

10 days and counting!

830 am wednesday 28 dec, 2011                                                                           
MOOD/EMOTIONS: idk how i feel today, im tired maybe slept 1 hr last night...

journaled in my regular journal, made hubby breakfast and although i had planned to not eat i did... i had 1/2 a container of cheerios (35) and 1/4c of almond milk (9)... so not bad except my stomach is really nauseated but im trying to ignore it... i also have 8oz coffee but i havent even drank any...
my kids keep fighting and its stressing me out bad im trying not to let it bother me - but that is really hard too...

i have to tak my oldest to get a new id card today at 1000 am because he lost his and then to the dr about his asthma medications, and i also need to get my medication fille and refilled...sometime after that i need to also go to farmers foods and write a check to get some cash... so glad friday is payday!

i think at 1000 am i will have the rest of the cheerios (35) dry since we have to be gone at that time...im not sure...its hard to force myself to eat at home and husband always watching me... i hope to also go to martins and see if they have the miracle noodles... i know whole foods does but im not going there until tomorrow... also need some vegetarian lunch meat so i gotta get that at the comissary...

12 day hospital stay and finally home!

tuesday dec 27, 2011                                                                                                  345pm

well  im finally home! i was admited last friday night and was in a psyche ward... they apparently only have an ed ward for adolescents - grrr.... well i was supposed to be released wednesday but i wasnt eating enough so the dr didnt let me go he said friday...well then i had a massive reaction to lithium so he mademe stay until monday - i was pissed! he waited ALL day to come in yesterday but finally did at 500pm! i didnt get to leave until 630pm!

when i gt home i knew i hadnt eaten any dinner so i had a container of cheerios (70) and 1c of almond milk (35) and that was all i ate. i have been purge free now since wednesday last week...so like today is day 8! and thats with eating everyday... funny thing is when i got there i lost 3lbs and then gained it back and maintained - today my weight is 93... i never thought i could eat and keep it down and not gain so i am happy...my husband says i look terrible - oh well at least im eating right?

today i had therapy at noon so first went to the px to pick up personal items; thn to toys r us to exchangethe game i got the boys for Christmas - the case was all there but no game!!!!
when i was doe with that my middle son and i headed to my appointment we went early so first we went to cvs... i got a cat toy and a tea for each of us...
appointment time so i went in and i told her all about the hospital and all that stuff and i told her i was eating every day now and 8days purge free and she was all excitd, i also told her i didnt gain any weight while i was there and she said i need to gain or ill end up back in there - i think NOT!!!!!
so we went to the comissary on the way home and picked up some veggies and other things i know i can eat.
for dinner i had 1pc toast (70), 1small salad no dressing 3 small pcs of cauliflower (20), miracle noodles (0),1c protein shake (60), and 1/4c 2% fat cottage cheese... a total for the day of 280...not too bad for the 1st day home...
more tomorrow...

this ride is not fun - please let me OFF!!!

14 dec 14, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, frustrated, irritated, annoyed cant think of anything else along those lines but u get the point...

i had that appointment this morning and it was worse than i thought... i had expected when i got there that she was going to tell me i have a deadline or something idk... but what she said instead is i have to let her know by friday whether i will medically admit myself or whether she will have to have me picked up... i told her i dont wanna go, well it doesnt matter because somehow i am medically unstable... how the hell did they decide that al of a sudden? i havent even SEEN my medical dr since oct! it doesnt make any sense to me... so then i went to get my oldest who the school had called for me to come get him becausehe was having asthma attack and meds werent working... great... then i get an email from middle sons case worker and have to stop in his school as well... it all comes crashing down at once...
well i get home and i have to wrap a gift for hubby for the party tonight... my son says he will do it for me since i still had to go see my case manager... cool... so i get to her office and she asks how im doing.. in a pouty voice i said i dont like them anymore - none of them... of course i do - im just very frustrated... she pints me out the referrl for my foot and makes a note to email the dr about possibly seeing me tomorrow... she also says she will research a local facility for ed... whether insurance covers it or not and exactly what it entails... noone seems to understand that my husband WILL NOT STAND FOR ME TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN!!! ya he has given me the ultimatem - yes i have known what it is and ive been struggling to not get to that point... thing is the dr has been saying her recommendation will never change until labs are normal and behaviors have nearly or completely stopped...

so after all this  come home and i broke down... i caved and binged - english muffin with butter and honey, bagel with honey and butter, 1c cottage cheese and 5 grape tomatoes... then of course had to purge... i had to break up a fight between my 2 youngest boys and then came downstairs to update here and prepare for going to the Christmas party at husbands unit... so not looking forward to it - i hateeing around strangers and especially if im going to be expected to eat... and especially when ive had a day like today...

ok so to finish this for now - i broke again and bp 1x today so today and monday really sucked but i will try to make it work tomorrow... hopefully i can make it back here to further my update tomorrow...

UPDATE 640pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: very very annoyed, aggitated, frustrated, irritated and anxious

well we went to the dinner thing the kids gt candy - oh joy... then they all ate - i wasnt touching that crap - no idea what was in it and it was all nasty smelling and greasy - no thanx... hubby came late boys were already in the line waiting to get their plates... he says so you arent eating? i told him no i had before we left which was true - just left out the puking part... he said your face looks very sunken in tonight... idky... its the same as it was this morning but maybe its because im wearing some eye makeup...

we left after the dinner - i didnt touch anything but my tea and then cleared the table - so many lazy people... wll my oldest came home with hubby i took the other 2 with me to the px to get a small gift for my middle son's secret santa gift exchange tomorrow... they were extremely triggering and i was already in a pissy mood so this just made it worse and everything is annoying, irritating and frustrating me... i get the gift then go into gnc - i am almost out of both magnesium and calcium so i need to get some more...

i get home and tell hubby about the crap my middle did at school today and how i had to go talk to his case worker... just grand... well then i told him about the asses they made of themselves at the store... they are in their rooms now and my middle has been grounded from everything except his bed and clothes... glad im not him...

gotta go for now but i will finish in the morning before my appointment...

a stressful day ahead...

wednesday dec 14, 2011                                                                                      94.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: worried, ANXIOUS, have no idea what is going on, scared

well i went to ANAD last night and it was nice to have some extra support before this appointment this morning... however it was also very unsettling in someways - let me explain... so the lady that leads the meetings most weeks told me my weight is 'terrifyingly low' but i never even told her what it is... then another girl came earlyand we sat and talked before the meeting and she told me 'how have u been cuz u look like shit' - wow - really???? i asked why she thought that and she told me i am 'super tiny and scrawny and very pale' nice... well the pale i know is the anemia - cant help that i tke my supplements and have since i was a baby...

then during the meeting as we were closing, we made our goals - mine of course was to go to this appointment today and make it home safely then survive my dr appointment next tuesday... additionally, the leader wants me to text her when i get home and she will call the other girl to update her as well... i guess its nie to know they care - i really honestly thought noone liked me there...

so dinner tonight... wel i made spaghetti and i used my miracle noodles for myself and added less than 1/8th C of sauce and had 1/4 C of steamed squash.... i kept it down and thats what i ha yesterday... i was lucky i could even do that as stressed and anxious as i was...

right now i am so dam anxious i feel like i can barely breath... i took my meds - including anxiety meds at 6am however i do not think the anxiety meds are doing shit for me right now - not with my unknowing of what is going to happen...
so friday isa half day for my boys then they are out until jan 2012... i cant believe the new year is almost here... i guessthe positive is i have made 2 days free of purging while keeping food in - it has been extremely hard and very triggering... i know i have to but a the same time - i also dont want too...

fml... idk what to do...

250pm tuesday 13 dec, 2011                                                                                 94.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS AS HELL!

got a vm from my therapist today so i called her back and left a return number she could call when she had a break... she called me back and said she has all day tomorrow open and would like to see me and my hubby if he can come with... whoa - my heart started pounding and now my chest is so tight with anxiety i can barely breath! so i told her he is teaching classes all day - this is true so he wont get any time during theday and he has a mandtory family thing in he evening we have to go to... so now she still had me make an appointment and i have to go alone... i dont mind seeing her - i like her and i trust her - most of the time... right now though? i am definately NOT so sure!

i have already physically written in my journal for the day so this is an update - i can NOT sit to write - no way! so i have no idea what the hell im walking into tomorrow! i hope it is not an ambush and i am being admitted without consent - i do NOT plan to be in the hospital - especially days before Christmas! i cant do that to my boys again - no way... so tonight is ANAD and let me say - i could use the support right now - i am really scared!

i do NOT like being scared - this drives me to keep the eating disorder being unsafe is wat has kept it my fall back so many years (or so they say)... right now i am so tiggered but not to eat... i want to restrict 100% and never eat again! i want to become so small and light be and be happy and comfortable in my body and my skin... ive realized the lower the number is no making me happy - well its never low enough... i gess i need to find a way to be at a weight and stay there and be as comfortable as i can in this body...

the biggest problem for me right now is the fact i am not trying to lose more - but at the same time i am so afraid to eat, keep it down and gain that i cant seem to eat... i have no idea where t go from here today or what im going to do - thank God for good friends here when i need em!

shrinking to nothing...

126pm monday 12 dec, 2011                                                                                     95.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, tired, worried, un-knowing

today i am just plain exhausted... i went to the pawn shop and paid on my loans - caught up until 1 feb... that makes me feel much better cuz i really dont wanna lose em... well the echo pen and the 3ds i dont mind but i want my touchpad and my ipod touch...

anyway i am just plum tired... i got up with the boys at 530 and ive been going all day thus far - even though it seems ike ive done nothing... i did take hubby some lunch from bk and i also went to big lots - didnt find anything good at all... oh well... i still need to go to the px and get some papaya, and i have my last survivors group meeting... problem  is its triggering because they are doing some big dinner... yikes...well i will be ok...
so i weighed this am and i was surprised but the additional loss... especially since i wa quite literall FORCED to eat lastnight... i had the tomatoes (13 cals) and the cottage cheese (1/8th C - 23 cals) then at dinner i made a meatloaf (as i wrote about lastnight) well it turned out smelling good and they all liked it - most had seconds and thirds... i didnt want to eat... so rather than sitting at the table watching everyone eat i went into the kitchen and worked on cleaning the pot to the pressure cooker and the countes... then a everyone came in i helped rinse dishes and load the dishwasher... then switched the laundry... when i came back to the dining room my husband was standing next to my chair - he had pulled it out and said - sit. eat. he pulled me over into the chair and pushed it in... then he said again - eat.... i tried arguing i didnt want any but he would not hear it... so fine - i put 8 moon slices of squash on my plate and thats what i ate... he told me it was not enough and didnt count as doing what needs to be done... he doesnt seem to get... i havent kept ANYTHING down in over 5months - maybe longer so keepin what i did down yesterday was a HUGE deal... and let me just say - the guilt and fer had me up half the night iwas scared to death!  so when i weighed and found that i lost some more - i was surprised... im not sad about losing it - im just worried because i like the way it feels to shrink like this - to become small... the problem is now... i dont knw how to stop - i cant seem to maintain and i cant seem to stop the loss...

so today i will attempt to keep and apple down and make it through the rest of the day with my mind not being so hating but im also scared it can still make me gain which scares me more than not being able to stop losing...

not so sure anymore...

1105am sunday dec 11, 2011                                                                             96.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: nauseated, ANXIOUS, SCARED
its sunday and yesterday i ended the day successfuly fasting another day - so 2 days in a row - but not without confrontation... hubby asked when i was going to eat TODAY at 830pm... i told him id eat tomorrow i promise... so here i am... we just went to the comissary and walmart and got somethings for me to try eating... low fat cottage cheese and yesterday got some grape tomatoes - so far ive eaten 2 of the tomatoes and i feel really nauseated - mostly from anxiety and fear but also because i am honestly NOT hungry and forcing myself to eat... feels like that is a total contradiction towards getting better...
today i want to try and make something new for the family for dinner...idk i may not... i also want to workout - gonna have to since im eating this crap today... feel guilty for buying foods special for me, i dont deserve them and i dont even have a job to spend the money... i shouldnt get things for me - only my family... things i got include: light applesauce - 50cals a container, some 35cal a cup almond milk, cucumbers x3, cauliflower and broccoli - i think that was what we bought oh and a spaghetti squash... will see how far i get... so far im NOT feeling excited about stuffing food in my face and keeping it down...
id like to finish crocheting with the brown yarn im currently using then start something else, read a book and maybe start my new latch hook... hopefully busying myself will help me keep my mind off needing to purge... so util later... i bid adu

330pm MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, tired, depressed, UNCERTAIN

so i was able to eat 1/2 the cottage cheese which was 23cals and then 1/2 a serving of grape tomatoes which was 13 cals... puts me at 36 for the day... i am going to try to not have to eat dinner though - too much in one day i way too triggering...

so i woke yeterday aslo to the feeling of bloatedness more than i wanted, turns out my period started - wft? i guess it s stress and the prozac... idk back before when my weight was under 120 i didnt have a cycle for 2years... wish it would stay gone now...

i decided to go ahead and try to make the fiesta meatloaf in the pressure cooker... it calls for the use of a springform pan but i dont have one and could no find the right size so i just put it straight into the removable pot - it shold be fine...
recipe - FIESTA MEATLOAF: (pressure cooker or slow cooker)
1C crushed salted crackers
1C ketchup
1/2 gree bell pepper cut and diced
1 small onion chopped
1can pitted and sliced olives
2 eggs beaten
1 pckage of taco seasoning
2TBSP worstershire sauce
2LBS ground beef / turkey

in a bowl combine all ingredients EXCEPT meat an mix well. Add meat and place in a 7" round or spring form pan, or directly into the pot and smooth out... make sure the pressure cooker seal is on 'seal' and press the slow cook for 2-3 hrs...

once mine is done ill let you know how it turns out...
so for now i guess thats all i have....

keep breathing today will end - eventually...

sat dec10, 2011                                                                                              97
MOOD/EMOTIONS: a little hopeful, self-doubting, slightly manic but tired.
well i got up this am and i took a LONG warm shower i was frozen! then i climbed back into the bed and slept a bit longer getting up at 835am... i would have slept longer but my head was killing me so i finally gave up and just got dressed then lay back down a bit before going downstairs to start my daily schedule... when i did come downstairs i staarted the van to get it warm for me to head out... hubby didnt want to go so i went alone, first the bank, toys r us and finally the mini px with gamestop...i got all but 1 of the game the boys asked for for Christmas -they will be happy... then i came home...
to my surprise i have some massive cramps and some spotting... i thought with such a much lower than normal wight i might not have a period but i think it is from continuing with the prozac... if thats the case oh well - i have to have the prozac or i really have no control over my behaviors and thats not ok wth me...
i didnt eat yesterday at all, i was most effinately not hungry and super anxious as wll as stressed out... i went to bedat 7pm lastnight i was that tired! of course i didnt sleep all night - kept waking up but hat was to use the bathroom an not due to bad dreams this time. im not sure but maybe telling my therapisst about the dreams - well whats been happening maybe will help me to not have anymore? i stil didnt share about the locked doors and stuff, i just didnt feel like it and i was already fighting crying - holding those tears back when i was hurting... i know i shold let em out - but i hate crying - especially in front of people...

so its done... results?

friday dec 09, 2011   
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, sad, defeated, failed wish i could go to sleep and never wake up.

well i went with hubby to richmond to do some shopping but we didnt find nything but boxers! then he wanted a snack so he wanted to go to five guys and get some cajun fries... so thats where we next went and then to our appointment... i was so anxious i was barely able to breathe - unless i was consciously taking those breaths my therapist said i looked scared to death - ya - i was! so first i went in and talked to her and she prepped me for what was next - thing is i was TOTALLY not ready... she asked if i gave hubby the letter and i said yes, then she asked if i had the other letter with me - whoa what - other letter with me? no - i thought she wanted me to give it to him AFTER this appointment shit... she then says i will have to just tell him myself then - no im not ready to do this! i cant! im wishing i could die or at least disappear right about now!

so she brings him in and things get - busy? and he gives his input, his side and his opinion and i give what i can seeing as i rally was not ready for this... i sat there legs tight to my chest and shaking my leg - not because of any other reason other than i was freezing! her office thermometer read 69 and i felt like an icescicle!

we came to an agreement that when i feel like i need to purge - i will talk to my husband and if possible go to his work and sit with him for a while... this is REALLY going to be a challenge for me seeing as i normally wait until he leaves or isnt paying attention to purge and now i have to make that change for this to work... i want to get better - i REALLY do... i just wish this was not so hard.
im REALLY scared - i am petified of the weight they say im going to have to gain - i do NOT want to and i am not feeling good with it at all... i need to find a way to maintain this weight though without gaining - until i can get comfortable with it and then work on that... my first and biggest goal though is to stop purging alltogether... then ill work on the other side... the problem is hubby wants me to eat NOW and keep it all down... well since im scared to death of food - i have no idea how this will happen...
i hope i have the strength to do this and make it work this time...

im scared!

09 dec, 2011 friday 97

MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, scared, worried, afraid, uncertain, a little hopeful

ok today is the day when everything changes and i am scared as hell... i have this appointment with the therapist at noon today with my husband and he is going to learn a lot of new things that he is "aware" of but doesnt really know...im like an old dog - i am rigid and i hate changes... i prefer things the way i know them and just keep them going... however with this - that is not an option... so the anxiety is quelling again and the meds i took were helping but seems like it is building again...
im shaking like crazy and im cold... i have a long neck sweater on and pants and shoes and sox but it doesnt seem to be doing to much... i wish i could sit in a hot shower now but my husband should be home soon from his dr appointment and then we ar headed to richmond to get some Christmas shopping done - hopefully...

home made applesauce to cheer him up! and then some...

145pm thursday 08 dec, 2011                                                                      97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, nervous, freaking out, unsure, worried triggered

well i got up at 430 am and took my meds - i was determined to not bp today - was... i went to my apptointmen for my meds and i had a weird experience... see she is the one who before told me she didnt think i was 'sick enough' to need treatment... well today i guess her thoughts changed... i guess maybe cuz she hadnt seen me since sept at which time i was like 106... so ya ive lost quite  bit since then i guess... i cant see it andi dont feel it - in fact today i feel fatter than ever...
anyway so the appointment...she calls me nd i walk to go behind the normally locked doors and ten into her office... she shuts the door sits in her chair next to the couch im on ad says 'you look really fragile' i was like what? she says 'really thin, too thin' well i responded my normal response of no im not thin there is plenty left of me... she says 'why? because u could b thinner?' i replied with yes i could be but im not trying to be right now... as much as i want to believe that myself - i dont think she bought it either... i need to stop fooling myself - im thrilled ive lostso much weight! hell ive not been this size since probably about 6th grade or so... the problem is - its no making me happy and it is really worrying those who i care about, and love and hose who care about and love me... this is unacceptable and im making a change...

so i gave the letter to hubby lastnight... i was honestly expecting some sort or negative response - but it didnt happen... right nw he is still acting like i didnt give it to him and nothing is changed... i really hope he keeps this way as i dont want to lose him...

came home from the pharmacy ad seeing CM and started making hubby lunch... right as i was finishing and putting on his plte - he walked in - perfect timing today! then the mistake hit... he left back to work and i deided i couldnt avoid the trigger anymore so i ate and purged and now im exhausted... i feel like crap for wasting money by eating food im just going to barf up... but there was nothing else making me feel better... easing my anxiety over tomorrow just asnt happening and th anxiety meds did nothing for me today... so ya - im at 1x now again... i guess i cant be all too upset about it i mean i kow this cant happen overnight and i guess realistically i gave myelf an impossible goal for this month...but im still trying as hard as i can... i guess for now - i cant go over 1x a day if i do at all...

my son and i made applesauce in the pressure cooker... he is home sick from vommitting so we made the warm applesauce to help cheer him up and is gentle on the stomach... he is very content now!

i guess for now thats all i really have to say... i hope that i get back here another time today to write again... i just can think of anything right now except worry over tomorrow...

death by anxiety?

645pm 07 dec, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS AS HELL, worried

well its done. i wrote the letter - like 4 pages, and i gave it to hubby after he had dinner and i went to shower... he hasnt said anything to me - im not sure what he is feeling right now...normally im good about reading him but this time im very blocked... not sure if by him or from my anxiety though.

so in the morning i have to go to my psyche person and i need anxiety meds... ive been out about a week now and im afraid its killing me! i feel like iwont make it till the appointment tomorrow let alone friday...ugh

ive managed to not eat anything else today but i did drink a water bottle. i was goin to get powerade zero but they were too exspensive right now so i settled for propel zero... its safer to me anyway...

went to penny's and exchanged my jeans also got another pair an 2 nice fleece tops and a pair of cute grey sox with penguins on em! yay - love my new sox! i love all my sox!

made burgers and potatoe salad for dinner tonight, no complaints on burgers but my youngest said he didnt like the potatoe salad... oh well guess i cant please em all... i didnt have anything so today remains at 1x early this am so day 1 ends in the morning around 6am...im not worried - i can do this...im nt even hungry...

so im doe for tonight i want to go laydown and watch taps with hubby -if he wants to watch with me... then i want to drift into a deep sumber and no wake from being startled, having bad dreams or frm feeling like i cant breath... then to only wake when my alarm goes off...

so goodnight... and ill be back tomorrow...

my mind is a mess...

955am dec 07,2011                                                                                                     97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: anxious, frustrated, confused, disappointed, depressed, ready to hide forever.

this morning i woke so very early - 445 am and i had been having some weird scary food dreams that woke me... its odd because i very rarely have food dreams if ever... so i came downstairs and saw hubby and was talking to him when suddenly i found myself robotically making some food to eat thus leading to the purging... of course - so irritating... so after i purged i lay back down a bit  was so dam cold... hubby came home from pt and i made him and my oldest some breakfast (oldest home because asthma attack on way to bus again and he still hasnt gotten under control today)... ive been doing things on the computer for a bit now and im exhausted...

still gotta rewrite this letter and get the nerve to give to hubby this evening... i just hate to do it nd him go to be hurting or angry...but what else can i do??? i myself am hurting because i know he is probably going to hate me after tonight and im feel like im losng the only part of me that i know how to love... if he hates me and leaves me i have my children to be here for but i will be an empty shell... he is and has always been my one true love - soul mate and i cant lose him...i just cant...

do i really want this change???...

702 pm tuesday dec 06, 2011                                                                                97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, afraid, nervous, alone.

lastnight was my meeting at the james house - a support group for those who have survived childhood abuse... this is a 9 or 10 week program and next week is the last one... thank goodness - they are EXTREMELY triggering for me... i did share with the ladies about my ed - only because of the final night being a big dinner thing and i cant do it... turns out one of the other girls is recovered from AN but struggles with BN occassionally, her last bad bout being bout 6 months ago...

i feel like since ive been going to these meetings i have become way more 'paranoid' and everything startles me... ive been locking the vehicle doors soon as i shut them - same with the house... i used to could leave the house unlocked for the boys now i just get up and unlock it when they are due home...the van used to be locked once i reach a certain speed - it auto locks - but thats not safe anymore... ive also been having a really hard time sleeping and when i do - ive been startled awake with screaming in the darkness aor not being able to breath and gasping for air... i have no idea what the dreams are - i dont remember anything except when i wake and a lot of times i cant get back to sleep... even though i often say maybe i wont wake up - sometimes im scared it could actually happen and having those experiences - well makes it even more difficult...

today i woke up and took my meds - when i woke however i was EXTREMELY triggered and i have an inkling why but not for certain... thankfully my friend waon yahoo and we talked a while and i was able to let it pass.. since ive run out of anxiety meds a few days ago i know a large part was the anxiety build up for my therapy session this am an to bp would make me fel oh so much better! i didnt though... in fact today was a successful day and my new day  1 but day 5 in dec of being purge free - yay!

dinner was really diffiult to get ou of except my stomach hurt really badly... it fees like ive pulled a muscle or something adi just couldnt eat - so i didnt and hubby was not happy... he was like this is 5 dinners now u havent eaten... well last-night he just was not home when i ate because i had to leave for the meeting... i made sure to express this to him and told him ask the boys if he doesnt believe me - he let it go... now he has been eyeballing me and giving hints he wants me to eat - but its not happening - not tonight....

i am in some physical discomfort tonight other than the stomach... my ribs on the left side underneath hurt really bad... i do not know what causes it but wish it would go away...im really uncomfortable...

so i had the foot appointment today to find out what is going on with my toe... the dr had NO IDEA what the bump is and gave me referral to a dermatologist... a skin dr? thats what i asked him and he sid yes - they do more that kind of work he mostly does bone stuff... ok - well i dont care as long as someone fix this! so he gave me the script and i rushed to the hospital and gave it to my CM and she was going to make sure my dr got it and could enter the referral... hope it doesnt take forever like the last one did... doesnt matter though - i plan to exercise whether it hurts or not anymore... just deal with the pain - no pain no gain right?

so in session today she told me she had talked to my CM and to dismiss what she said about not needing to take hubby to my dr appointment that in fact i do have to... so NOT cool! i tried arguing my point that he doesnt need to know my weight - most husbands dont... an that noone needs to really know except me - well i lost the arguement - figures... so frustrating cuz i DO NOT want to tell anyone - i dont if i dont have too and the only person who knows right now - is me.

after the dr appointment and seeing my CM i headed home to make dinner and prepare for the meeting at his work at 6pm... as i was getting out of th van he pulled up so we worked on the dinner together... now ive never made a chicken caccetoire before but the pressure cooker came with a recipe so thats what i wanted to make and we did... dinner on the table at 5, cleaned up and ready to go at 530... i had all my stuff and we went to  the meeting... of course they had sacks ad refreshhments - normally they dont, so everyone rushed off to get a plate and i rushed to the bathroom and then to get in te van and come home... right now i still feel quite triggered simply because of the whole letter writting thing i have to finish and give to him... i am dreading giving it to him... i know he is going to be angry and hurt and its my own fault for hiding in myself and trying to not need additional help and support... i cant do that anymore - its killing me literally... although sometimes i wish i could die - i really dont want to just yet... i need to be here for my boys during the next deployment and i want to be here when they graduate hs as well as college, marriage, grandchilren and then there is the part of having my husband all to myself once they all move out.... peace and quiet! after being constantly with kids for 24yrs - i think it will be time for us to have time just for us...

so hmm.... i asked hubby to come to session with me friday - he is not sure he can but said he will try... im not sure whether to call the therapist and change the appointment time or just leave it... i guess ill figure it out tomorrow...

got a house to clean tomorrow and jeans to take back to pennys... im not sure i really have much else to do besides cooking dinner for the family... i making burgers for them and i hope i can escape eating... if not - there is no way i am ready for a meal like tat to stay down... i just cant...

im so sorry i am like this... i dont want to be a bother, a pain, a concern or a worry. i dont want to hurt those who i love the most and mean the whole world to me... i want to be the stable independant wife and mother everyone thinks i am... time to remove my costume and mask and be me - no matter how hard i have to do it... asking for help and support rather than being strong and independant is sometimes what it takes when u really want to change - for the better for yourself and everyone u care about...

i have really failed myself this time - not sure i can pic myself back up...

435pm monday dec 05, 2011                                                                                           97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, worried, frustrated, ANXIOUS - blah
today has been really sucky starting from lastnight at dinner... i tried to get ot of it... i was busy all day i felt like i never stopped moving... well everyone sat to have dinner and i said i wasnt eating because id had some chicken while deboning it... didnt work... hubby said i havent eaten with the family for several days now and he wanted to see me eat... f*ck. ok so fine - ill eat - but there is no way im keeping it down - no way. i am TOTALLY not to that point yet...

so thats how my eating ended yesterday... worse than this though - i got up this morning planing to bp just one time and start fresh with it all tomorrow... im not sure WHY i gave myself this permission but i did... my stomach was hurting bad and i couldnt eat much - fine by me, and then i purged and headed out for the day... my son was with me and we went to good will - i got 1pr of jeans and several sweaters, then we went to dollar tree picked up some things there then headed to return the movie via rebox at walgreens... then we went to books  million to look for a recipe book for the pressurt cooker but didnt find anything... next was where i made my mistake... my son was hungry - so we went next door to the chinese reseraunt and had that for lunch... my stomach was totally not happy and i purged... then we went to the px...there i got some m&m's to make cookies with and some snickers and a small package of candy for each of the boys... was really looking for some stationary to work on my letter to my husband explaining about the issues that are going on right now with me and what i am working on and the changes i have made and am trying to make... i have no idea what to say, how to say it, or even where to begin.... this is really hard because well u know - its my secret.... i mean he knows about the ed - just not about how bad its gotten etc...

so well - like i said its not been a pleasant day of me vs mia...im not going to freak out though...im going to hold myself in check and start fresh tomorrow.... i can still have the 29 days of purge free by doing that.... ill ty to get back later but probably wont make it till tomorrow.

YAY! YAY! YAY! ITS DAY 4~

305pm sunday dec 4, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: i am extremely triggered right now but doing so well! i am happy! i have finally been able to be consistent with fasting for (330 today is 4 days since i last ate anything) 4 days! this means i have not been purging either! cant purge if i dont eat! so now once i get comfortable idk how many days, i will begin trying to make foods safe and putting into my body... i still do NOT plan to gain however...

sotoday i got a pressur cooker! yay! im using it now to see how i like it... so far its pretty good since the chicken wasnt thawed and neither s the ground turkey - which i was supposed to make tacos with tonight... so ya - good thing this cooks foods even if not fully defrosted...

today i have been SUPER kitchen busy! ive made: waffles, sausage, eggs for the family for breakfast... for lunch they had sandwiches and i made my youngest sons.... next i bake 52 sugar cookies, 3packages of muffins, croissants, breadsticks, almost 10 lbs if chicken in my new cooker, reorganized the fridge and cleaned the kitchen. im tired now but still cooking the last of the chicken. i drank 2quarts of koolaid made with splenda... hope to put away my laundry and get a nap and figure a way out of dinner...

so here goes for day 4... i know i cant eat yet - if  i do i will purge because i am just not ready for that step yet... im doing this MY way so i can make sure im successful.... this is the only goal right now - stop purging and be purge free 31 days for the new year...

i know - im an acrobat! really???

02 dec, 2011 610am                    (97.8)
MOOD/EMOTIONS: exhausted, anxious, slightly manic (?), down, determined, motivated

well let me start with a score 0:1 yep - i made it yesterday! so here is what happened - i decided wed night that i am D O N E with bn - period. it has to go. i cant keep doing this... so i told myself "i WILL NOT ALLOW myself to purge" this means whatever i put in - has to stay in... YIKES!!! talk about scared shitless! so ya i made it yesterday and today is my 2nd day... will see how it goes...

so as far as being exhausted - well i didnt sleep at all lastnight. been awake since 5am yesterday after only 3hrs of restless sleep the night before... i think i should be exhausted... hence this is why i said slightly manic as well... i was going - going - going yesterday and i didnt stop to rest until 7pm! so im not sure what is going on i even took 15mg of melatonin both nights...

so i should explain my daily title...
lastnight i was thinking about the ed... and i came to a conclusion that i am an acrobat by selection not choice... because i am afraid of heights -well it deffinetly doesnt make me very happy! i see myself as a tight rope walker with a long pole... ive been walking this rope a long time and my balance is good... so far able to catch myself when i would lose focus and balance or pull myself back up to standing and walking position... the scariest part of this is that below me is nothing but black... i have no idea what is down there - a net? a black hole? concrete? i have to keep walking and keep excellent balance and focus so i dont learn what is there...

so with the ed it is sort of the same idea... i have no idea what i am getting myself into on the other side... do i know it wont make me fatter? what if i hate myself even more? how do i know it will make me happy as everyone tells me? this is scary as shit but im doin it.... even if it was only 1 day - it was O N E day! i havent made1 day in a long time and i still feel determined and motivated to make this work... my goal is i am purge free as of right now ... at the end of dec - 31 days free of purging - THAT will be a huge step and i AM going to do it....
so the last part has to do with todays events... just thinking abut it is making my stomach flop... i am so anxious and the meds are not helping... i suppose the anxiety wont go away until ive gone through session... i just hope i make it out alive - i am feeling anxious enough i think my chest may explode!

150pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: triggered, tired, anxious, nervous, afraid

i went through session today and it was vey hard.... i found myself extremely anxious and fighting the thoughts that were screaming at me... i know i cant gain weight from water - so the voice needs to leave me be...

right now i am fighting excuses i have in my head to allow for bp... it is a difficult and painful battle... my stomach hurts really bad and my chest feels like a 100 ton of hippos are on it... i have to keep fighting and i have to make it...

i always let myself down - not anymore... i will not allow myself to keep going because there is no purpose - it will kill me and probably sooner than later at this rate... if i let myself cave now - i will stop fighting and the end result will surely be death... i cant do that... right now - i need to prove i can do it... the bad part is uitting cold turkey causes massive pains due to digestion...

i am so cold again - i have not been able to get and stay warm, my toe nails are purple - as are my finger nails... but the worst and most annoying part is my hands tingling continuously - they dont stop even when i am warm and it is so annoying!

i think i want a nap - but i think sleepng now might be a bad idea and i wont sleep tonight... i guess ill go work on cutting and marinating veggies for tonights dinner for the fam - not me... fasting - 3 days minimum... to cleanse my system and be able to make it when i do finall have to start allowing myself to eat AND keep it down... this is necessary - i know but it is also - punishment... if i eat i am not allowed to purge so i had BEST be sure what i am putting i is worth it...

the hardest part of session today was admitting i know  have a problem and i have to work on believing it... that potentially my life is at risk and vitamins will only carry me so far for so long... the other part was admitting that losing weight without trying has me conflicted... i love the loss - fantastic! bbbuuuttt.... well i havent worked for it - earned it - so i dont deserve it... yet im not going to be able to gain - no way... not anytime soon anyway...

as far as the work to allow myself to drink liuids - today i am on my 3rd bottle of liquid... although it has no calories it is keeping me going and THAT is todays goal... well i suppose im going for now... i will try to add more later.

im sorry ive been away so long...

Thursday Dec. 01,2011
MOOD: ANXOUS, determined, hopeful, triggered, trying, motivated

well - it has been quite a few days since i last updated... so i was out bcuz i didnt have the mone to pay the bill until today...so now its paid and back upan i can sar writting again... however im not going to go al the way back ill just go back a few... i will let you know my TG Day was good - at first... then it ended with bp x1 also the dinner with hubbies work - well that day was aweful...

so now on to tuesay this past week... well it was aweful... i bp too many times and right now cant even recall... i think it started from the group on monday night - that was a hard one and triggering... i didnt cave when i got home but i woke triggered in the morning, then my son was hurt and had togo to er, i forgot to take meds cuz i left in such a hurry... well that ended in bp way too many times...i went to ANAD and i just wasnt in a good place... had horrible headache which i attoned to potentially low K levels... i took supplements when i got home and went to bed and in the morning headache was gone... idk it could have been i was tired too...

yesterday was another trigger filled day... i woke and bp on home made pancakes with ham i had baked the night before... i took my meds and slept in until 1030... i got up and did some things around the house, made lunch for hubby, took to him... came home and bp again... ugh... so then i finally climbed into the van - i decided i had to get out of the house and was supposed to see CM so thats where i went... turns out sh had let early - poo, shouldve stayed in bed... oh well went to GNC bought some vitamins, a sandwhich and cookies at subway which i purged when i got home.. so ended with 3x yesterday... too many again!

went to bed with a stomach ache, bladder pain - very BAD pains, and masive low K headache... took 2 K and went to sleep... i tried that is... i barely slept lastnight and when i finally did, well the last look at th clock was 213am... then the alarm went off for hubby at 500am -awake again and ever since...
i got up took all meds and then laydown a little to get warm and trying to sleep - didnt happen so got up at 6 and dressed and started doing stuff lik payin he comcast bill... then i started sortin coupons - throwing out the expired ones and clipping those i hadnt done yet were just needing cut out... i finished that and then went to the site Krazycouponlady.com and printed out some new coupons...  i just finished with that and started trying to organize them and decided to write as well...

so i am very triggered right now and im fighting... my heartis racing and anxiety is high - even with the meds... i am determined today though i have decided if i eat anything im not allowed to purge - no matter what or how much it is... this is scary as shit for me so idk if i will eat or not today... im sick of purging and i just want to stop -so im going too...

really nervous and anxious for tomorrows session... we r supposed to talk about my bringing hubby in with me and telling him whats all going on and how bad it has gotten... she told me at last session i have 1 foot in the hospital and a be waiting if anythig happens - no thanx! im not sure how much i want hubby to know - i think that is the ed speaking though and so i have to counter it and fight...we will see how it works out i guess...

well gotta get these coupons done, need to see CM, go g shopping, sears, target, walmart... tons to do!