today is a really SHITTY day!

04 march, 2012     345pm

today is just a horribly SHITTY day! i woke up after having had to have a supplement (im in treatment right now) before i went to bed, i still havent had a real bm so i am terribly terribly bloated not to mention the weight gain it causes... i also feel like i have a UTI and i only get certain times to use the bathroom... this means im having to wait sometimes more than an hour and its pissing me off really bad!
then to make it worse, they upped my mealplan today because i didnt make weight yesterday... i wish i hadnt again today - its so fucking much food and weight - its really hard and triggering... there are some "ok" staff here who u can tell really care and then there are those who are just piss ants! i had a freind in here whose husband was bringing me 2 sweatshirts because this place is SOOOO cold! well they wont let me have them! they say its against policy if i need something my hubby needs to bring it - really? i mean its not like i live anywhere near here - its a dam 5 hour drive ONE WAY!!!! they wont let me crochet, they wont let me have my nook! i mean this is bullshit and im so ready to just leave - highly doubting whether recovery is worth it all... freezing to death to the point my hands are constantly purple my legs are purple and even my scalp has goose bumps... i mean is it REALLY worth it? well theres one thing i do know for sure - if i deserve to be punished this is the place because it feels like everything is a punishment! at the dining room NONE of the staff eat with us, most are fat to obese and others just really dont care... it feels like the lunch room in elementary school and they are hovering over just waiting for the chance to attack...
im not sure im going to handle this much more - i nearly lost it on the nurses earlier... wtf is feeding me 2200 calories? HOW is that supposed to make me feel BETTER? i dont think so! its just making me fat, overfull and i feel like im totally over eating - that in and of itself isnt healthy...
im not sure, the patients are ok i guess, so far only 2 that i really feel comfortable talking to, 2 others who i have basic conversations with and the rest - they dont talk to me and i dont talk to them. we have 27 patients here and it feels like really there are no supports. each patient has what they call a "contact" this is the person who is the one you go to should you need anything or need to talk confidentially... well today my contact didnt even talk to me. i have a new one for tonight and i pray it is SOMEONE ELSE!
so my time is up - only allowed 15 minutes at a time....