well its 415 in the afternoon on Sunday... ive not blogged for a few days... i guess i just have no motivation to blog...it feels like noone cares or is listening anyway so y bother? besides i dont wanna be a whiner or a baby or people to think i am needy or something so w/e...
since my last post ive had blood drawn, labs were well enough dr'd that only the potassium came back low... i gave an excuse that i was out of supps.. i can only imagine how low they truly wouldve been if i hadnt been doubling the doses for about a week prior to the drawing! that could have been an aweful result with immediate hospital admission because of risk to heart attack and seizure... grrr ok so gotta be way more careful with supps... i just hate taking them! i hate taking ANY pills anymore - good intentions or not it doesnt matter... i dont want anything inside this horrible shell i call a body...
so anyway - labs were up enough when i went to my dr on thursday that she was pleased for improvement but very upset about my weight... now here is something interesting... i have been seeing her since may of 2010... she had never once even listened to my h/r or my lungs... i thought ok ill wear this weight vest under my halter so she wont know ive lost... well i decided against it - i waterlogged some instead... only about a lb but it was some... anyway u wont believe this - she actually checked me this appt! thank God i decided against the weight vest! i would have been in so much shit!
THIS IS MY WEIGHT VEST IT WEIGHS 8LBS
so for my appt i was up in the weight area to 109.9 which before the water i was 108.2 so it was a good amount of waterlogging... felt like i was floating! she was very 'concerned' because now i am at high risk for heart attack and seizure with such a 'low weight' for my height of 5'9"... well it deff does not feel like a low weight! she says '...u r not ALLOWED to lose anymore weight...u need to gain up to 125... i need u @ least 3-5lbs more when u come back next visit." i was like !!!!!! no way... im going to lose... she say "NO! u deff CANNOT lose more! u are @ such a risk now the only thing helping keep u stable is the supplements... i want u to wrk on 2-3 small meals a day even one can be a protein shake and they need to stay down..." i was like not happening... she doesnt get she just challenged Ana - she told her she is not allowed to do something! hello weightloss is Ana's job! dont tell her she cant do it! ok long story short i was highly triggered to a point i went to Olive Garden (OG) and bp my guts out...
my husband asked me for a pic a bra and panty one... grrr... i do not do those... ok so he is in Iraq and so i did one... i emailed it to him and that triggered the shitout of me as well... he said "u looke like ur not eating... i can see all ur ribs and hipbones" later he says "i love the pic" so which is it? this has me so confused... then yesterday we r talking and he says "it makes me sad to see ur ribs popping out like that"... idk anymore - i dont c them...all i c is FAT and DISGUSTING and i explaind this to my dr... she said well u rnt fat hun... u r scary thin and i can see all ur bones... i said through my clothes? all i can think of is the nurse who weighs me made a comment to her about seeing my bones now or something... i deff dont see through my clothes sometimes i cant c them at all... today is one of those days...
THOSE ARE MY HIPBONES... BUT I STILL LOOK SO HUGE!
let me go back to yesterday... ok so i went to the farmers market - love going there... after i always take my son to breakfast - its our special time but it was a mistake as i bp like no tomorrow... i almost passed out in the bathroom... i was so cold i couldnt stop shaking... he was like u r shaking more than the leaves in the wind! i know - it was bad! so we go to walkmart i get what i need and we go home where i got busy in the kitchen - it was now 2pm... i cleaned the squash, sliced the eft over squash from last week for steaming later this week... i stored that in the fridge... then i diced tomatoes to make spaghetti sauce, cleaned and sliced white sweet potatoes and put in oven to bake, slice acorn and butternust squash and put in to bake, put potatoes i micro to make baked potatoes... i sliced multiple colored peppers and squash and keilbasa and poatatoes for a fry mix for dinner, cleaned and stored kale, green leaf lettuce and turnip greens and boiled some turnips... i was in the kitchen until 630pm! i bp my butt off a total of more than 20 times - it was my worst day in literally months! i do not want to go there again EVER! so what caused all this? the lax took the night before didnt work! i drank the liquid ones and well backfired resulting in a GAIN from 109 to 115! i totally freaked out! yeah - so well i am staying free and clear of the kitchen today!
THIS IS A TABLE AT OUR FARMERS MARKET
i managed to get lax and take a box lastnight... sick as shit all night and today i have not even had 16oz to drink... i want nothing in there... im fasting and i dont care what it takes - i refuse to give in! i have no money in the bank and enough cash for gas for this week so b/p out is out! that means this is perfect time to force myself to do what i have been trying to do and been too weak to succeed at lately! hmmm well its now 445pm and im still here blogging and gotta go downstairs to check y the water wont boil for the spaghetti noodles... damn i was hoping to not even cross the kitchen threshold today! oh well - i have healty kids and they need to eat!
NOPE NOT MY SAUCE - I DONT HAVE A PIC OF MINE!
so that was challenging! i managed to get the noodles in the pot which was boiling lol - my son is doing this for the first time so its ok... anyway i also told him to cook the meat and got him started and seasoned it for him... the dinner should be ready for them by 5pm maybe a little longer... at any rate - i was totally turned off from eating which is like AWESOME! i totally just do not want to cave in! right now - after 330pm is my HARDEST time to not cave in when im fasting... idky as i used to refuse to even eat after 430 so its odd that this would be harder for me... i would think the am would be harder...
so the lax had my up sick as shit lastnight but my weight is back to 109 thank you God! i cannot handle a gain especially not THAT much gain overnight! so this gives me another dilema now... when i get down even lower... idk how low so cant give a number... but how on earth will i maintain? it seems i eat or drink - i gain... i fear the smells of foods - i am afraid they will make me gain... i cant touch the foods without gloves or it may permeate into my body and absorb into fat and gain... yesterday i was so bad i even drank sugar free lemonade which is zero cals/sugar and fats and when i finished i purged... i didnt want in my body...i know where this is all going and what scares me the most is my knowledge... knowing... knowing what i am doing and what i have to do and not being able to do it... ruining my life killing my body dieing my slow suicide...
Over one million people commit suicide every year. The World Health Organization estimates that it is the thirteenth-leading cause of death worldwide. It is a leading cause of death among teenagers and adults under 35. There are an estimated 10 to 20 million non-fatal attempted suicides every year worldwide."
i have a bone density test tomorow... they are checking to see if the osteopenia is worse, better or the same... after my huge defciency back in april where i had to take 40,000 units a week for 8 weeks of vit D to get the deficiency to go down... my body was eating the marrow seeing as thats where vit D is stored and with no extra it had to go to reserves... my dr is afraid with all the deficiences ive had the past few months that it is down again and destroying my bones... i mean most people break a foot it takes 6months or so to heal... not me - mine took 2 yrs... oh boy... i really hope for better but im not counting on it... the only way to reverse the damage is 'proper nutrition and supplements' well i got the supplements part down can we just bypass the nutrition all around?
Osteopenia refers to bone mineral density (BMD) that is lower than normal peak BMD but not low enough to be classified as osteoporosis. Bone mineral density is a measurement of the level of minerals in the bones, which indicates how dense and strong they are. If your BMD is low compared to normal peak BMD, you are said to have osteopenia. Having osteopenia means there is a greater risk that, as time passes, you may develop BMD that is very low compared to normal, known as osteoporosis.
What causes osteopenia?
Bones naturally become thinner as people grow older because, beginning in middle age, existing bone cells are reabsorbed by the body faster than new bone is made. As this occurs, the bones lose minerals, heaviness (mass), and structure, making them weaker and increasing their risk of breaking. All people begin losing bone mass after they reach peak BMD at about 30 years of age. The thicker your bones are at about age 30, the longer it takes to develop osteopenia or osteoporosis.
Some people who have osteopenia may not have bone loss. They may just naturally have a lower bone density. Osteopenia may also be the result of a wide variety of other conditions, disease processes, or treatments. Women are far more likely to develop osteopenia and osteoporosis than men. This is because women have a lower peak BMD and because the loss of bone mass speeds up as hormonal changes take place at the time of menopause. In both men and women, the following factors can all contribute to osteopenia: Eating disorders or metabolism problems that do not allow the body to take in and use enough vitamins and minerals Chemotherapy, or medicines such as steroids used to treat a number of conditions, including asthma Exposure to radiation
Having a family history of osteoporosis, being thin, being white or Asian, getting limited physical activity, smoking, regularly drinking cola drinks, and drinking excessive amounts of alcohol also increase the risk of osteopenia and, eventually, osteoporosis.
What are the symptoms?
Osteopenia has no symptoms. You notice no pain or change as the bone becomes thinner, although the risk of breaking a bone increases as the bone becomes less dense.
How is osteopenia diagnosed?
Osteopenia is diagnosed with a bone mineral density (BMD) test, usually done to see whether you have osteoporosis. The most accurate test of BMD is dual-energy X-ray absorptiometry (DEXA), although there are other methods. DEXA is a form of X-ray that can detect as little as 2% of bone loss per year. A standard X-ray is not useful in diagnosing osteopenia because it is not sensitive enough to detect small amounts of bone loss or minor changes in bone density. See the topic Osteoporosis for more information on BMD testing.
How is it treated?
Osteopenia is treated by taking steps to keep it from progressing to osteoporosis and, for a few people, by taking medicine. Lifestyle changes can help reduce the bone loss that leads to osteopenia and osteoporosis.
Diet is very important to bone development. Calcium is the most critical mineral for bone mass. Your best sources of calcium are milk and other dairy products, green vegetables, and calcium-enriched products.
Your doctor may also want you to take a calcium supplement, often combined with vitamin D. Vitamin D helps your body absorb calcium and other minerals. It is found in eggs, salmon, sardines, swordfish, and some fish oils. It is added to milk and can be taken in calcium and vitamin
supplements. In addition to what you take in from food, your body makes vitamin D in response to sunlight.
Exercise is important in maintaining strong bones, because bone forms in response to stress.
Weight-bearing exercises such as walking, hiking, and dancing are all good choices. Adding exercise with light weights or elastic bands can help the bones in the upper body. Talk to your doctor or a physical therapist about starting an
exercise program.
In addition to diet and exercise, quitting smoking and avoiding excessive use of alcohol and cola will also reduce your risk of bone loss.
There are medicines available to treat bone thinning, but these are more commonly used if you have progressed past osteopenia to the more serious condition of osteoporosis. Medicines that may be used for osteopenia include bisphosphonates,
raloxifene, and hormone replacement. For more information on these medicines, see the topic Osteoporosis.
How can osteopenia be prevented?
Whether you will tend to develop osteopenia is, in part, already determined. Things like whether you have any family members who have had osteoporosis or osteopenia, whether you have chronic asthma that requires you to take steroids, and how much calcium and vitamin D you got while you were growing up are beyond your control now. But if you are a young adult or if you are raising children, there are things you can do to help develop strong bones and help slow down osteopenia and prevent osteoporosis.
Your bones don't reach their greatest density until you are about 30 years old, so for children and people younger than 30, anything that helps increase bone density will have long-term benefits. To maximize bone density, make sure you get plenty of calcium and vitamin D through your diet and by spending a little time in the sun, get weight-bearing exercise on a regular basis, don't smoke, and avoid cola and excessive alcohol. If you have children, teach them to eat healthy, get regular exercise, and avoid smoking and alcohol. Also, get them to play a little in the sunshine to help their bodies make more vitamin D. Most doctors suggest daily vitamin D supplements for children and
teens, starting by age 2 months. Talk with your doctor about how much and what sources of vitamin D are right for your child.
If you're older than 30, it's still not too late to make these lifestyle changes. A balanced diet and regular exercise will help slow the loss of bone density, delay osteopenia, and delay or prevent osteoporosis." (Webmd.com)
shit! so i am suddenly having cravings! the spaghetti noodles smell so good... a new kind fettuccini made of spinach... sounds so good! i love spianch - but i love most veggies! i have to fight this - i just have too! i feel so alone right now... my good friend in the shower getting alone time and crying because she is so sad... i feel so badly for her she is really having a time right now... and of course mia doesnt help and neithr does a non-understanding husband trying to shove food down ur throat all the time... i know im there too... the diff is mine is out of the country right now... im scared of what he will say when he comes home... im scared right now i wont be around when he comes home... that he will be coming home to mourn my death... i do not want that - i want to be happy... i read the posts of my friends on fb and they seem to be so happy and trying for recovery... makes me wonder if they r really happy or if they do like me donning a smile and putting on the happy hat and dancing the facade so noone worries?
sz 2 skinny jeans - they are so big on me but y do i still feel so huge in them?
ME 108 'SKINNY JEANS' SZ 2 - Y DO I STILL FEEL SO HUGE???
