a thinking day...

11:43am                                                                                                         Mood: hopeful & determined

i got up early this am groggy as hell - again... yeah i took those night meds again and i just have the worst time waking after those - oh well... so i got the meds out for the boys and rested on the couch till time for the bus - it was raining so i took them to the busstop again...when i am laying down i move my head too fast the wrong way and gave myself a kink in my neck / under the shoulder blade of my right shoulder - its killing me... when i get back from busstop i go to my room and try to get some more sleep... they left at 650am and i look at the clock now - 7am... i close my eyes and when i look at the clock again it is 811 and i just cant sleep so i get up and shower... i decide to shave my legs today cuz i may wear my capri workout pants to the gym tonight...zumba @ 6pm!
while laying in my bed trying to sleep lastnight i was thinking...when i woke i continued to just think and even in my sleep i was in a light sleep and all i could do was think... i have developed a plan... i am going to try what we did in the hospital and have something to eat every 2 hrs... i say every 2 and i have it programed in my head so i dont forget... i had 35 cals for breakfast and its time for the next so another cup of almond coffee is about to be made for my second meal... i have already sort of broken the plan because it has been over 2 hrs since i had the first but i am allowing myself to have the calories and keep them down during that 2 hrs as well - if that makes sense? so an example is i made the coffee at 9 - i had till 11 to finsh it; now i have another to make and i have til 1 to drink it etc.... idk if this will help but we shall see...so far i feel ok with it and its making the coloslim i took lastnight work to cleanse my system...
ok so coloslim - its an all natural body cleanse i ordered and it was like $80 so better work! anyway i do that at night and then im also doing the miralax and all my vitamins etc... idk my weight right now as i was still @ 123 but ive been going to the bathroom like crazy so i think it may be down ill check in a bit maybe - it is really triggering for me though because im trying to keep some calories in so i may just not weigh again... we will see as i am very OCD with my weight checks all day!
so for this day at this exact moment - i set my mood as hopeful & determined... i am determined to lose mia, lose this weight and make my body thin as i want - without all the bad stuff... maybe restricting is not the best idea - but i think it is better than mia... also my face which was so swollen from insane amounts of bp over the past few months is finally going down! i am very happy about that - i hate looking even fatter than i am because of swollen facial and neck glands... so i am off for a bit to make this coffee and read my nook for a bit... i just want to be clear of all food as i dont want to cave and i feel like this may actually be my chance to rid myself of mia - so i better take it while its here idk when the chance might arise again otherwise...

7:00pm                                                                                                                      Mood: triggered

so today has actually been ok... i mean so far ive had 2 coffees with the almond milk (70 cals ttl) and one protein shake with mixed berries which was 70 cals so im at 140 cals! AND NO PURGING! this doesnt mean a lot as the night is still pretty early... im not sure i will make it but im exhaustedso im not sure i will cave either... i do know the last time i did this i ended up getting such low blood sugar that i ended up bp at midnight... so i hope it should stay up tonight seeing as i did have some cals today... PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me make it! ok so on top of this i am triggered by the feeling of anxiety and heartburn or whatever is wrong with my chest - it has so much pressure and is hurting so bad... that being said, after i logged off earlier i layed down a bit then went grocery shopping at 2:30pm and i didnt get back till 5:15pm! all that bending and walking and bagging - i always bag my own and i try to bring all my own bags as well - save the earth! ok so i managed to spend over $300 - however i walked out paying only $256 a savings of $&& with coupons! YAY COUPONS!

wll im heading to laydown i thnk... i dont want to cave so maybe if i go to my room and take vitamins and night meds and stuff i wont be so tempted to cave?...

i hope u all had a great day and well... here's to hoping i make it tonight - it will be officially 1 day of no bp!

cant teach an old dog new tricks...

well i did great yesterday - until 7pm when i caved and bp... only 1x yesterday though and i looked up zumba and it says u burn 600 cals per 30 min - i had an hr class plus burned 60 cals on the bike... i also kept the 2 almond coffees (70cals ttl) and 2 apples  (120cals ttl) down yesterday so even though that feels like so much i felt that it was sort of ok since i burned way more than i kept in...
today i got up planning for whatever the day brought... i really didnt know if i felt like bp or not... my period is gone and im glad for that - maybe the cravings will subside for a while... so i got dressed - i was really groggy from my night meds i began taking again... i read that prozac helps with the cravings to purge - since symbyax has zyprexa and prozac in it combined - i figured ill give it a shot again - at least it makes me sleep...
anyway, so i groggily get dressed and grab my empty effexor bottle, my boys med bottles and hubby drives me to target... we dropped off my script and they say 15 min so we go get dish soap and pb (i have coupons for them and we need em so might as well get em) and i hear them page me back to pharmacy...
when i get there they tell me that they do not have any of the effexor but will after 3 - so i say ill come back... we go to front, pay for the 2 items and head to the pharmacy at the base clinic...
i get a number and we wait a while - get the meds and head home... by now i should have had some coffee and almond milk... i know it will help me not feel like bp - but because there was no coffee made before we left  - i hadnt had any and i was craving bigtime... instead i get some calorie free koolaid and drink a glass then lay on the couch... i finally decided at 1pm that i needed something so i measured some cucumber slices to 60cals and ate it slowly... after i finished - about 30min later at 2:14pm i caved in and bp... i ate some cottage cheese (80calsx2), some 35cal rice cakes (salt free) with pb and honey then purged... i was frutstrated and laydown for a while then got up... i had some pork loin - 1st meat in 3 days grrrr and some mashed potatoes then purged... i remembered i had to get back to target so i went and got the meds where i also got animal crackers and mms and i ate them on way home and purged when i got here...im done for today though - im irritated i caved 3x but i dont plan to again as im about to head to bed...
im really frustrated however that i cant go see my therapist yet - i really need to and i dont think i can get cleared... been thinking of getting a new one but that one will be starting over with everything ive had to work through to include developing trust again and also will probably say the same thing - if u cant do what is recommended by the team cant see u... so y even try??? idk im just tired of this fight and i really wish i could be happy with me, my body and my life... i dont know that that is possible for me... i feel like i am such a dirty evil person - i get what i deserve and that is the unhappiness i live in... to include this disgusting body..
well i guess im done venting for tonight... im sorry if this brings u down... i know i tend to fall deeper into depression when spring comes and when we have weather changes so please forgive the sadness... someday - maybe i will have a successful day and have something positive to share...
night lovlies...

and the rollercoaster ride continues..

2:23pm                                                                                                 Mood: blah
So today i have done like nothing - literally! i dont feel so great so ive been in bed then sleeping on the couch... my youngest is out today because of an 'altercation' the last day before their spring break began - which btw was not his fault but a zero tolerace here so ya... he had to be out 1 day suspension... i woke and asked if he ahd eate lunch - hubby had eaten i had woken when he came to sit on the couch so i figured my son ate too - but he hadnt... so i made him a bagel with nutella and he had some chips as well.... so glad he is eating now...
i made a 2nd cup of almod milk with coffee - thats a total of 70cals when it is gone, i still have about half a cup left... i am supposed to go to zumba tonight and i plan on it but right now im not feeling so well so we will see what happens... i took te refine and i now feel nauseated and my stomach was burning and i felt like i was gonna be sick - that sort of pased but right now the nausea is back and i feel lightheaded so i think i will laydown some more... i dont care as long as im not eating or bp'ing...

it is never ok for me...

10:03am                                                                                                                                          Mood: depressed, sad and frustrated

so yesterday as i posted ended badly and i woke this am Easter hoping for not too bad results... still 123 so i guess it could have been worse right?
i am so depressed right now and i know i should not be - i have a great family and i should be happy - should be... but why cant i seem to be? i have no idea... i feel so down... i just wish i could sleep the days away and just ignore everything but i know thats not possible... i was thinking this morning when i woke up that i wish i had not woken - i just wished i couldve stopped breathing... at least it would not be killing myself and the family would benefit from my death through life insurance and not having to deal with me or my issues... it didnt happen though...
i dreamed i was dead... thats one thing with bipolar we actually can see r selves in those situations - like actually see r selves fall to the death, see the end result... its not pretty but my family was ok... and for me thats what matters... i need them to be ok if i go... i need to know my boys will be cared for and get enough hugs and kisses, to be told i love u and know they r important... i need them to be talked to and to know it is ok to talk about their feelings and what is bothering them.... in this dream lastnight, they were in fact ok and that put my mind a little at ease... perhaps this means i am becoming ok with the idea of actually going - of dieing... in some ways this makes me feel ok and in others it makes me more sad... knowing i am ok to go because they will be ok means i really am not needed and that hurts... so ya - this is my Happy Easter and its not feeling so happy...
i am debating what i even want to do today... im tired of the fight and of trying to beat mia... so far all that does is make me work harder for more failure and makes me feel worse... not to mention all the weight ive gained... i refuse to be this fat... i cant do it - i have to get rid of it one way or another... and right now it doesnt matter what that is...

10:38am
and now i am having my almond milk coffee (35cals) which i also blended in the ninja blender this am with loads of ice... idk if im gonna bp today or not but we will see what happens... i sort of just dont want to eat anything yet i know if i dont it will deff result in bp but at the same time as soon as i ea something that leads to bp so its a total trap - a catch 22... i hate this and i honestly do not think today i have the energy to fight it...

11:41am
i finished scrubbing the 2 bathrooms and made the dough for the sugar cookies... im waiting for the oven to finish preheating so i can bake the cookies for my boys... i even got some cream cheese frosting to decorate the top of em with if they want... i think i will be safe as far as binging - ive still got some of my iced coffee left and idk if ill eat or not...

1:32pm
it doest matter anymore...im such a failure... ya u already guessed im sure - i failed... i caved and ate some mashed potatoes, sugar cookies and some bagels with pb then i had a cupcake and i purged... i know i want to stop - more than anything but i guess the whole idea of having been this way for nearly my entire life well it just makes it feel impossible... i believed i could change but everytime i get close something happens and i go right back to being my eating disorder... i am the face of an eating disorder - thats just the way it is i guess...

2:37pm
sorry for the constant updates - but i would rather update than cave again and sometimes updating helps keep me from forgetting what i wanted to say in the first place... if it gets annoying - please dont feel obligated to read...
right now i am not really feeling much of anything except a dark side of me and the need to cry and sleep... thats deffinately the depression setting in... normally i have my therapist to help keep me from falling - last yr i was able to void hospital through working extra with her... this yr im alone again and honestly i dont feel the strength to fight it... i wont go into the hospital no matter how bad it gets which in some ways is a case of denial maybe and in other i guess its my way of avoiding myself and just letting the ed and depression win... noone is aware... ive managed to still avoid the dr and ive not gotten labs drawn which were due the 28th of march... i also have not yet called my psych dr to make my apt but i really dont have to go until may however i plan to skip out on that as long as i can as well... i guess i just plan to try and elminat my existence however i can - no matter what it takes... and t do it without getting caught... for now - today - this is my plan and im sorry to anyone it may hurt but i have to make it through each day somehow...

one huge mistake ruins it all...

813pm...
yep thats me - a mistake... i ruined everything after working out - i just couldnt handle not knowing so i weighed and now - im binging... i can not handle THAT weight - even for temp...unacceptable so failure i still the name and now mia once again has the upper hand and she is PISSED!!

well another day come and gone...

3:57pm                                                                                                                   Mood: worried

well today is nearly over... yesterday i did not make it - i bp 3x and it sucked... today however so far i have managed to be stronger than mia... i got up this am and took vitamins and meds hen went back to bed and fell asleep again... i got up at aroun 945-10ish and came downstairs, made coffee with almond milk (35cals) took 5 swallows and lay back on the couch... then mia came in... she started hollering and screaming and of course only i heard her voice, her words and her anger at my having had the coffee and cals and not purged! i withstood as long as i could before i caved in and went in the kitchen and toasted a bagel thin (110 cals) placed it on the table and for the first time in months - journaled... i finally took half the bagel and tore it into tiny pieces and ate it very slowly... at 1015 i went into the kitchen and started baking... i was not going to purge and i refused to listen to mia right now... so i started pulling out ingredients, heating the oven and prepping measuring cups and pans. around 11 my youngest son asked whose bagel half was on the table, i told him mine but he could have it if he wanted, he put nutella on it and ate it. yay - less for me! so at this point rather than 155 cals to burn i was at 90... i baked 10 packages of muffins, 2 boxes of cupcakes make 8.5 cups of rice crispies into rice crispy treats, baked/fried 2 large sweet potatoes and 2 potaotes into fries then frosted and decorated with my son the cupcakes and rice crispies... at 130 - i was exhausted! i logged onto the laptop and talked to a friend for a few minutes then proceeeded to print tons of coupons, i finally just finshed with that and had the rest of my 3rd water bottle... im still at the 90 cals but i just steams a lot of cabbage which i have the plan of eating some and saving the rest... if i am strong enough to keep it down and eat only half - thats 50cals, if i eat all its only 100... so im still under 200 for the day with a goal of less than 500... im sure i burned well over 90 while baking - but i still plan to do the elliptical in a while... we will see what happens and i hope i can do this...

5:25pm                                                                                                  Mood: HELP!!!
ok so i am really fighting myself right now - dam i wanna purge so bad! i ate the cabbage - 1/2 as i had planned so that was really good was only 50cals that way... well then i made the miracle noodles which are zero cals and i added a can of Chinese veggies (45cals for the can) and i dry steamed em on a nonstick skillet - so now im at a total of 185cals for the day and i feel like i just need to purge! i need to get this crap out of me! i fee alone and lost and im scared to death im gonna gain so much weight tonight! i cat even let myself weigh right now - im certain it will be way over what it was and ill be close to 130 cuz of the food in there... i will freak out even worse if i see that...ugh i need help!!!! im going to attempt to workout on the elliptical if i can keep myself out of the kitchen - thats my fear! its right next to the kitchen and im scared cuz right now i really wanna purge and i know i can and it wont be an issue cuz noone will be the wiser or suspicious... but i know right now i need to fight this for me - for my boys and my husband... i know if i dont make this work on my own im going to be sent ip and lose everything and right now - ive alerady lost most of it i cant handle it if i lose even more...so i pray i can do this! if i need to eat i can have an apple - ill work more of it off than i ate and be ok! i have to!

why am i so hated!

ok so things have not gone as i had planned... ive failed epically and miserably with keeping food down, however i have been able to limit the purging to under 3x a day - progress right? i guess one can call this baby steps?
anyway so today i woke to great - my period! grrrr!!! no wonder im having such bd cravings for nuts and proteins! so ya i am really having bad cramps and it hurts to move but i got up this am none the less and started early with getting stuff done... first i clipped the coupons (YES i am a coupon nut!) then i organized them according to the groups and how they are located in our local comissary - this way its easier to locate a coupon in a certain aisle... so we holler to the boys to get dressed we are headed out... complaints start flying but i wont hear it - they need to get out the house as much as i do! after everyone is gathered i decide i need coffee to take with me but the pot is empty - grrr... so i make the coffee and ill just get some when we get home - i dont have ay almond milk left to put in it anyway and i hate it black - blech!
we head first to wamart where they carry the almond milk in unsweetened and only 35cals per 8oz cup, luckily i found 2 coupons online for $2 off each carton making it only $1 a half gallon! YAY! so i grab 2 cartons, some chips, some sugar free/calorie free dink mixes and a few other things and go to the checkout lane. my husband pays as i go to the redbox and look for the movies we r wanting to watch and i find 2 - cool. we have movies for tonight now... we leave walmart and head back to the base to go to the comissary... i dont wanna spend a lot of $ i just want to get a few things... i did pretty good getting bread and whole wheat pitas - they are ALWAYS out so we got the 6 packs they had! we use them to make homemade pizzas - perfect size and way healthier! just refridgerate the leftovers and got some great lunches/snacks for the kids for the next few days... so we are at the comissary and i am really having cramps - the boy are nagging and im getting irritated... i just wanna get home and get stuff put away and binge and purge... w get home i organize the fridge, put all the groceries away and then make some sugar free fruit punch... i turn the computer on and sit down... to cramped and lazy to get up and make food - i still havent eaten today or even had my coffee... im hurting too much and just dont feel like it now... i checked my class and i managed a B - i hope it brings the GPA up enough to allow me to finish and not have to take a 6month manadatory break for GPA falling under 3.0 - its only down a bit at 2.92 right now before that class - idk if it will help or hurt me... im nervous but cant change it and i did my best - worked my ass off in this class! so im gonna peel my shoes off and curl up on the couch with my nook and try to feel better... just took some maximum strength pamprin so hope it kicks in soon... as for eating - blech... right now i have no need for any food...i just wanna laydown!

losing mia is harder than they say...

12:44pm                                                                                                                               Mood: Depressed but somewhat optimistic

im really having a hard time today. im not sure what makes this so hard - before restricting was the easiest thing for me. now all i can think about is if i eat that - will i be able to purge it? how many calories will i really be taking in if i do purge? i just wish this was easier... i really want to stop the purging - i do... i really hat eating and i hate the way it makes me feel after i eat and then after i purge...but the cravings and the pull are so much... i just dont understand why i cant seem to ignore it like i used to so well before...
my husband worried now and questioning my eating habits - this just doesnt help any at all... i feel so scrutinized and like a child and yet at the same time - this used to help me just not eat before - now i try to find ways to get around it and be able to still binge and purge... the thing is with this - sometimes what i binge on is less than what a normal person would consume and i know that - yet it still gets to me...it still feels like to much and i just have to empty myself and be free of that feeling... i dont know what im going to do - i dont know how im going to make this feeling go away... right now i am struggling with the trigger that i am having a craving to b/p now - but i am fighting it and just trying not to cave... i know i easily can and that just makes it harder... im trying to keep busy but im running out of things to do! makiing it worse is the smell of the dinner i have baking aleady - i needed to get the chicken baking because there was a lot of it... first i de-skinned and and de-fatted as best i could the 10lb bag of leg and thigh quarters and then placed in the pyrex pans and seasoned, covered and am now baking... i am technically a vegetarian - except occasionally i do eat chicken because i get extremely low blood proteins and it is the only way i have found to get my levels up. i do plan to go back vegan though and i am working on it slowly rather than 'cold turkey' lke i did last march...
so other than this - well i guess today so far has been ok... i woke at 9am (est) and came downstairs to the kitchen where i first made my iced almond milk with coffee drink. i took a small sip and began checking emails etc on the laptop... when my friend had to go i got offline and went into the kitchen and began my hand busying things for the day... i first cleaned and cut the celery, then the zucchini, yellow squash and bellpeppers. next i did the chicken and by that time it was after 1130 so i made another iced almond milk with coffee drink and logged online... ive been surfing the nutrition sites trying to find the ones that have calorie information and i checked how many calories etc in different foods i have in the fridge so if i choose later i can weigh them out and eat them throughout the day... i know how many cals in 29oz of yellow squash is 100 and then the same for celery and i know there is 05cals in zucchini that is 18oz... i have spaghetti squash that is 6.7 oz (baked plain) and that is 60.9 cals... so i really hope i can force myself to be strong and do this today - my goal is less than 500 and NO purging... oh i also have packages of 100 cal almonds - those are great for protein and energy... so anyway ya thats today so far...

guess it is time for a post?

10:44am (est)                                                                                                                                            Mood: determined & uncertain
hi everyone -
im sorry i have not posted for a very very long time! things have been so busy and hectic around here and im being watched so i have to be ubber careful!
ok so... hmm... since the last post i guess my hubby has come home, i have gained too much weight in fact im at 123ish (keeps jumping 121-123) im not using any lax, i have been bp a LOT and im using today as my second day to try and stop - yesterday i cut down from about 20 to only 2 so that was a huge difference! i have my food log and im trying to keep it but its hard as hubby gets upset when he sees me doing any journaling - he thinks it means im getting 'sick' again... he just doesnt understand im worse than i have been in a long time... weight might be up but the bp is also way up... i think weight is up because i have been having alcohol and diet soda binges and that makes me gain - also my period due anytime...
so far today im working on my coffee which was 8oz added with 8oz of silks unsweetened natural almond milk - 35 cals per 8oz... i measured it exact and im working on that as my breakfast... im not going over 500 cals today and im really fighting to not need to purge as well...i have to get this under control or they will send me inpatient and im not up for all that! i was supposed to go for bloodwork and dr apt back in march i never went for the bloodwork and i never made the dr apt... se has not called so i asume she doesnt miss me or just hasnt noticed my absense... once she does - ill get the call and only then will i go!
yesterday i had the worst headache that was left over from sat - i thought i was dying! i took supps and i even took extra of potassium (K) and it just nulled it enough to make me able to still be alive! well yesterday i took 3 of my prescription strength K and the headache was still bad eough lastnight it was making my eyes water! i went to bed and i woke this am - the K mustve kicked in with the magnesium and the headache is just slightly there... thank God! i cant deal with those headaches - extremely triggering for me!
i went shopping yesterday and i didnt buy any crap or junk foods! i only bought healthy things like fruits and veggies and such for my fam! i was very proud of myself then i ended up caving in and bp i was pissed! could not believe i did that! then i was feeling sick again so didnt eat dinner and thought i was going to make it all night and have nothing more - then hubby started asking when i was going to eat... head was hurting so bad that i finally just gave in and bp again... at least i guess i didnt turn to the alcohol again like i have been doing for just over a week... i had to stop it somewhere so i just didnt drink yesterday... now im hoping my weight will go back down and i can start getting back on track with Ana and lose Mia... my face is so swollen where the glands are in the back of my jaw - i feel like a dam pitbull! i absolutely hate it! makes me look so freaking fat in the face!
whats really weird is a lot of the gain seems to be in my boobs - im not complaining about that! i just hope as i lose now it will be from the areas that need it gone - my ass, hips, thighs and gut! although i was in the kitchen making my coffee when i looked down at myself and could see my hipbones protruding through my workout pants - so idk... it is just a mess and so confusing! i wish i could just get rid of the ed and be happpy with myself...ive learned over the past 30yrs though that that just is not my life so im stuck hating myself... i try to get help and someone or something steps in making it impossible - so right now im not in the fighting mood and im just going to try and live today one second at a time... maybe one second, will lead to minutes then hours and finally to a day of no bp - then i will be happy... one day of success is like getting a dozen roses!