day 12 and it was VERY triggering!

745pm Friday                                                                                                                      
MOOD/EMOTION: EXTREMELY TRIGGERED and anxious

so ive been writing in my physical journal the past few days - ive actually had the time nd focus!  but tonight i left both journals in the van and it is COLD outside so i dont feel like going to retreive it!

today has been so hard for me! i had a LOT of shopping to do and was supposed to do my labs this am... got up at 7am and dressed then headed to the hospital... hubby had texted me he forgot to shave so i brought his shaver with me and he met me in the lobby... i didnt get the labs because the dr had put them in for jan 3 or later...oh well!

next i went to the px, sams, then staples and michaels...after all this we went to big lots and it was noon! hubby texted me for some lunch so i took him a pizza and got one for the boys too...i had 2 slices of low cal (40/slice) wheat bread and some sf jello... after the lunch my son and i went to good will, then walmart and finally to the comissary...we finally got home at 6pm!

we unloaded all the groceries and i put them away... well all the cold stuff then i sat and ate a salad and a vegetarian roast beef sandwich when i finished i was going to have some nuts but decided not too... and i put the rest of the groceries away...took me over an hr and now im eating sf.jello again... having some coffee too and im at 360 cals for the day - additionally this makes 12 days ive eaten and not purged... i think im about done eating for the day but i may still have an apple or apple sauce idk yet... i know all the shopping we did today - ive more than burned what i ate off!

i feel extremely full and i dont like this feeling - it triggers me more and today i was about to bp many times but i resisted and just had something to drink... i got some yarn today and a package from hubby's grandma and it was also full of yarn - yay! tomorrow i plan to clean and spend some time crocheting - im exhausted tonight... gonna take meds here soon and go to bed...

i did find the mini sandwich thins today - each small 2 pces is 50 cals... they are small but i can make them look big! i also got some vegan burges, sausage, breakfast sandwiches, 100 cal ready made protein shakes, a new journal, some 100 cal fruit crisps and raspberry cheesecake snack bars (90 cals each), also packets of instant oatmeal with 100cals a pack and same with the grits...i also got some sugar free applesauce with 50cals a serving and ind packets of light cream cheese which are 70cals each...dont forget my almond milk, egg beaters and calorie free dressing (x2), some coffee, ind non-dairy cream packets, koolaid and some other stuff like shampoo and melatonin...tomorrow i want to get the boys hair cuts and also get me some magnesium and stuff... i am going to make sure i do NOT bp tomorrow! oh also got me some sf jello as well and a new body pillow since i left my other one at the hospital and im NOT going back! i found some mini chocolates like york, reeses etc... and the small bars with hersheys, mr good bar and nestle for like $1!

so i am about to head to bed... might shower first but night wait till the am... gonna make myself some eggbeaters for breakfast and maybe a slice of toast - thats 100cals... deffinately some coffee too!!!
good night!

10 days and counting!

830 am wednesday 28 dec, 2011                                                                           
MOOD/EMOTIONS: idk how i feel today, im tired maybe slept 1 hr last night...

journaled in my regular journal, made hubby breakfast and although i had planned to not eat i did... i had 1/2 a container of cheerios (35) and 1/4c of almond milk (9)... so not bad except my stomach is really nauseated but im trying to ignore it... i also have 8oz coffee but i havent even drank any...
my kids keep fighting and its stressing me out bad im trying not to let it bother me - but that is really hard too...

i have to tak my oldest to get a new id card today at 1000 am because he lost his and then to the dr about his asthma medications, and i also need to get my medication fille and refilled...sometime after that i need to also go to farmers foods and write a check to get some cash... so glad friday is payday!

i think at 1000 am i will have the rest of the cheerios (35) dry since we have to be gone at that time...im not sure...its hard to force myself to eat at home and husband always watching me... i hope to also go to martins and see if they have the miracle noodles... i know whole foods does but im not going there until tomorrow... also need some vegetarian lunch meat so i gotta get that at the comissary...

12 day hospital stay and finally home!

tuesday dec 27, 2011                                                                                                  345pm

well  im finally home! i was admited last friday night and was in a psyche ward... they apparently only have an ed ward for adolescents - grrr.... well i was supposed to be released wednesday but i wasnt eating enough so the dr didnt let me go he said friday...well then i had a massive reaction to lithium so he mademe stay until monday - i was pissed! he waited ALL day to come in yesterday but finally did at 500pm! i didnt get to leave until 630pm!

when i gt home i knew i hadnt eaten any dinner so i had a container of cheerios (70) and 1c of almond milk (35) and that was all i ate. i have been purge free now since wednesday last week...so like today is day 8! and thats with eating everyday... funny thing is when i got there i lost 3lbs and then gained it back and maintained - today my weight is 93... i never thought i could eat and keep it down and not gain so i am happy...my husband says i look terrible - oh well at least im eating right?

today i had therapy at noon so first went to the px to pick up personal items; thn to toys r us to exchangethe game i got the boys for Christmas - the case was all there but no game!!!!
when i was doe with that my middle son and i headed to my appointment we went early so first we went to cvs... i got a cat toy and a tea for each of us...
appointment time so i went in and i told her all about the hospital and all that stuff and i told her i was eating every day now and 8days purge free and she was all excitd, i also told her i didnt gain any weight while i was there and she said i need to gain or ill end up back in there - i think NOT!!!!!
so we went to the comissary on the way home and picked up some veggies and other things i know i can eat.
for dinner i had 1pc toast (70), 1small salad no dressing 3 small pcs of cauliflower (20), miracle noodles (0),1c protein shake (60), and 1/4c 2% fat cottage cheese... a total for the day of 280...not too bad for the 1st day home...
more tomorrow...

this ride is not fun - please let me OFF!!!

14 dec 14, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, frustrated, irritated, annoyed cant think of anything else along those lines but u get the point...

i had that appointment this morning and it was worse than i thought... i had expected when i got there that she was going to tell me i have a deadline or something idk... but what she said instead is i have to let her know by friday whether i will medically admit myself or whether she will have to have me picked up... i told her i dont wanna go, well it doesnt matter because somehow i am medically unstable... how the hell did they decide that al of a sudden? i havent even SEEN my medical dr since oct! it doesnt make any sense to me... so then i went to get my oldest who the school had called for me to come get him becausehe was having asthma attack and meds werent working... great... then i get an email from middle sons case worker and have to stop in his school as well... it all comes crashing down at once...
well i get home and i have to wrap a gift for hubby for the party tonight... my son says he will do it for me since i still had to go see my case manager... cool... so i get to her office and she asks how im doing.. in a pouty voice i said i dont like them anymore - none of them... of course i do - im just very frustrated... she pints me out the referrl for my foot and makes a note to email the dr about possibly seeing me tomorrow... she also says she will research a local facility for ed... whether insurance covers it or not and exactly what it entails... noone seems to understand that my husband WILL NOT STAND FOR ME TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL AGAIN!!! ya he has given me the ultimatem - yes i have known what it is and ive been struggling to not get to that point... thing is the dr has been saying her recommendation will never change until labs are normal and behaviors have nearly or completely stopped...

so after all this  come home and i broke down... i caved and binged - english muffin with butter and honey, bagel with honey and butter, 1c cottage cheese and 5 grape tomatoes... then of course had to purge... i had to break up a fight between my 2 youngest boys and then came downstairs to update here and prepare for going to the Christmas party at husbands unit... so not looking forward to it - i hateeing around strangers and especially if im going to be expected to eat... and especially when ive had a day like today...

ok so to finish this for now - i broke again and bp 1x today so today and monday really sucked but i will try to make it work tomorrow... hopefully i can make it back here to further my update tomorrow...

UPDATE 640pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: very very annoyed, aggitated, frustrated, irritated and anxious

well we went to the dinner thing the kids gt candy - oh joy... then they all ate - i wasnt touching that crap - no idea what was in it and it was all nasty smelling and greasy - no thanx... hubby came late boys were already in the line waiting to get their plates... he says so you arent eating? i told him no i had before we left which was true - just left out the puking part... he said your face looks very sunken in tonight... idky... its the same as it was this morning but maybe its because im wearing some eye makeup...

we left after the dinner - i didnt touch anything but my tea and then cleared the table - so many lazy people... wll my oldest came home with hubby i took the other 2 with me to the px to get a small gift for my middle son's secret santa gift exchange tomorrow... they were extremely triggering and i was already in a pissy mood so this just made it worse and everything is annoying, irritating and frustrating me... i get the gift then go into gnc - i am almost out of both magnesium and calcium so i need to get some more...

i get home and tell hubby about the crap my middle did at school today and how i had to go talk to his case worker... just grand... well then i told him about the asses they made of themselves at the store... they are in their rooms now and my middle has been grounded from everything except his bed and clothes... glad im not him...

gotta go for now but i will finish in the morning before my appointment...

a stressful day ahead...

wednesday dec 14, 2011                                                                                      94.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: worried, ANXIOUS, have no idea what is going on, scared

well i went to ANAD last night and it was nice to have some extra support before this appointment this morning... however it was also very unsettling in someways - let me explain... so the lady that leads the meetings most weeks told me my weight is 'terrifyingly low' but i never even told her what it is... then another girl came earlyand we sat and talked before the meeting and she told me 'how have u been cuz u look like shit' - wow - really???? i asked why she thought that and she told me i am 'super tiny and scrawny and very pale' nice... well the pale i know is the anemia - cant help that i tke my supplements and have since i was a baby...

then during the meeting as we were closing, we made our goals - mine of course was to go to this appointment today and make it home safely then survive my dr appointment next tuesday... additionally, the leader wants me to text her when i get home and she will call the other girl to update her as well... i guess its nie to know they care - i really honestly thought noone liked me there...

so dinner tonight... wel i made spaghetti and i used my miracle noodles for myself and added less than 1/8th C of sauce and had 1/4 C of steamed squash.... i kept it down and thats what i ha yesterday... i was lucky i could even do that as stressed and anxious as i was...

right now i am so dam anxious i feel like i can barely breath... i took my meds - including anxiety meds at 6am however i do not think the anxiety meds are doing shit for me right now - not with my unknowing of what is going to happen...
so friday isa half day for my boys then they are out until jan 2012... i cant believe the new year is almost here... i guessthe positive is i have made 2 days free of purging while keeping food in - it has been extremely hard and very triggering... i know i have to but a the same time - i also dont want too...

fml... idk what to do...

250pm tuesday 13 dec, 2011                                                                                 94.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS AS HELL!

got a vm from my therapist today so i called her back and left a return number she could call when she had a break... she called me back and said she has all day tomorrow open and would like to see me and my hubby if he can come with... whoa - my heart started pounding and now my chest is so tight with anxiety i can barely breath! so i told her he is teaching classes all day - this is true so he wont get any time during theday and he has a mandtory family thing in he evening we have to go to... so now she still had me make an appointment and i have to go alone... i dont mind seeing her - i like her and i trust her - most of the time... right now though? i am definately NOT so sure!

i have already physically written in my journal for the day so this is an update - i can NOT sit to write - no way! so i have no idea what the hell im walking into tomorrow! i hope it is not an ambush and i am being admitted without consent - i do NOT plan to be in the hospital - especially days before Christmas! i cant do that to my boys again - no way... so tonight is ANAD and let me say - i could use the support right now - i am really scared!

i do NOT like being scared - this drives me to keep the eating disorder being unsafe is wat has kept it my fall back so many years (or so they say)... right now i am so tiggered but not to eat... i want to restrict 100% and never eat again! i want to become so small and light be and be happy and comfortable in my body and my skin... ive realized the lower the number is no making me happy - well its never low enough... i gess i need to find a way to be at a weight and stay there and be as comfortable as i can in this body...

the biggest problem for me right now is the fact i am not trying to lose more - but at the same time i am so afraid to eat, keep it down and gain that i cant seem to eat... i have no idea where t go from here today or what im going to do - thank God for good friends here when i need em!

shrinking to nothing...

126pm monday 12 dec, 2011                                                                                     95.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, tired, worried, un-knowing

today i am just plain exhausted... i went to the pawn shop and paid on my loans - caught up until 1 feb... that makes me feel much better cuz i really dont wanna lose em... well the echo pen and the 3ds i dont mind but i want my touchpad and my ipod touch...

anyway i am just plum tired... i got up with the boys at 530 and ive been going all day thus far - even though it seems ike ive done nothing... i did take hubby some lunch from bk and i also went to big lots - didnt find anything good at all... oh well... i still need to go to the px and get some papaya, and i have my last survivors group meeting... problem  is its triggering because they are doing some big dinner... yikes...well i will be ok...
so i weighed this am and i was surprised but the additional loss... especially since i wa quite literall FORCED to eat lastnight... i had the tomatoes (13 cals) and the cottage cheese (1/8th C - 23 cals) then at dinner i made a meatloaf (as i wrote about lastnight) well it turned out smelling good and they all liked it - most had seconds and thirds... i didnt want to eat... so rather than sitting at the table watching everyone eat i went into the kitchen and worked on cleaning the pot to the pressure cooker and the countes... then a everyone came in i helped rinse dishes and load the dishwasher... then switched the laundry... when i came back to the dining room my husband was standing next to my chair - he had pulled it out and said - sit. eat. he pulled me over into the chair and pushed it in... then he said again - eat.... i tried arguing i didnt want any but he would not hear it... so fine - i put 8 moon slices of squash on my plate and thats what i ate... he told me it was not enough and didnt count as doing what needs to be done... he doesnt seem to get... i havent kept ANYTHING down in over 5months - maybe longer so keepin what i did down yesterday was a HUGE deal... and let me just say - the guilt and fer had me up half the night iwas scared to death!  so when i weighed and found that i lost some more - i was surprised... im not sad about losing it - im just worried because i like the way it feels to shrink like this - to become small... the problem is now... i dont knw how to stop - i cant seem to maintain and i cant seem to stop the loss...

so today i will attempt to keep and apple down and make it through the rest of the day with my mind not being so hating but im also scared it can still make me gain which scares me more than not being able to stop losing...

not so sure anymore...

1105am sunday dec 11, 2011                                                                             96.8
MOOD/EMOTIONS: nauseated, ANXIOUS, SCARED
its sunday and yesterday i ended the day successfuly fasting another day - so 2 days in a row - but not without confrontation... hubby asked when i was going to eat TODAY at 830pm... i told him id eat tomorrow i promise... so here i am... we just went to the comissary and walmart and got somethings for me to try eating... low fat cottage cheese and yesterday got some grape tomatoes - so far ive eaten 2 of the tomatoes and i feel really nauseated - mostly from anxiety and fear but also because i am honestly NOT hungry and forcing myself to eat... feels like that is a total contradiction towards getting better...
today i want to try and make something new for the family for dinner...idk i may not... i also want to workout - gonna have to since im eating this crap today... feel guilty for buying foods special for me, i dont deserve them and i dont even have a job to spend the money... i shouldnt get things for me - only my family... things i got include: light applesauce - 50cals a container, some 35cal a cup almond milk, cucumbers x3, cauliflower and broccoli - i think that was what we bought oh and a spaghetti squash... will see how far i get... so far im NOT feeling excited about stuffing food in my face and keeping it down...
id like to finish crocheting with the brown yarn im currently using then start something else, read a book and maybe start my new latch hook... hopefully busying myself will help me keep my mind off needing to purge... so util later... i bid adu

330pm MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, tired, depressed, UNCERTAIN

so i was able to eat 1/2 the cottage cheese which was 23cals and then 1/2 a serving of grape tomatoes which was 13 cals... puts me at 36 for the day... i am going to try to not have to eat dinner though - too much in one day i way too triggering...

so i woke yeterday aslo to the feeling of bloatedness more than i wanted, turns out my period started - wft? i guess it s stress and the prozac... idk back before when my weight was under 120 i didnt have a cycle for 2years... wish it would stay gone now...

i decided to go ahead and try to make the fiesta meatloaf in the pressure cooker... it calls for the use of a springform pan but i dont have one and could no find the right size so i just put it straight into the removable pot - it shold be fine...
recipe - FIESTA MEATLOAF: (pressure cooker or slow cooker)
1C crushed salted crackers
1C ketchup
1/2 gree bell pepper cut and diced
1 small onion chopped
1can pitted and sliced olives
2 eggs beaten
1 pckage of taco seasoning
2TBSP worstershire sauce
2LBS ground beef / turkey

in a bowl combine all ingredients EXCEPT meat an mix well. Add meat and place in a 7" round or spring form pan, or directly into the pot and smooth out... make sure the pressure cooker seal is on 'seal' and press the slow cook for 2-3 hrs...

once mine is done ill let you know how it turns out...
so for now i guess thats all i have....

keep breathing today will end - eventually...

sat dec10, 2011                                                                                              97
MOOD/EMOTIONS: a little hopeful, self-doubting, slightly manic but tired.
well i got up this am and i took a LONG warm shower i was frozen! then i climbed back into the bed and slept a bit longer getting up at 835am... i would have slept longer but my head was killing me so i finally gave up and just got dressed then lay back down a bit before going downstairs to start my daily schedule... when i did come downstairs i staarted the van to get it warm for me to head out... hubby didnt want to go so i went alone, first the bank, toys r us and finally the mini px with gamestop...i got all but 1 of the game the boys asked for for Christmas -they will be happy... then i came home...
to my surprise i have some massive cramps and some spotting... i thought with such a much lower than normal wight i might not have a period but i think it is from continuing with the prozac... if thats the case oh well - i have to have the prozac or i really have no control over my behaviors and thats not ok wth me...
i didnt eat yesterday at all, i was most effinately not hungry and super anxious as wll as stressed out... i went to bedat 7pm lastnight i was that tired! of course i didnt sleep all night - kept waking up but hat was to use the bathroom an not due to bad dreams this time. im not sure but maybe telling my therapisst about the dreams - well whats been happening maybe will help me to not have anymore? i stil didnt share about the locked doors and stuff, i just didnt feel like it and i was already fighting crying - holding those tears back when i was hurting... i know i shold let em out - but i hate crying - especially in front of people...

so its done... results?

friday dec 09, 2011   
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, sad, defeated, failed wish i could go to sleep and never wake up.

well i went with hubby to richmond to do some shopping but we didnt find nything but boxers! then he wanted a snack so he wanted to go to five guys and get some cajun fries... so thats where we next went and then to our appointment... i was so anxious i was barely able to breathe - unless i was consciously taking those breaths my therapist said i looked scared to death - ya - i was! so first i went in and talked to her and she prepped me for what was next - thing is i was TOTALLY not ready... she asked if i gave hubby the letter and i said yes, then she asked if i had the other letter with me - whoa what - other letter with me? no - i thought she wanted me to give it to him AFTER this appointment shit... she then says i will have to just tell him myself then - no im not ready to do this! i cant! im wishing i could die or at least disappear right about now!

so she brings him in and things get - busy? and he gives his input, his side and his opinion and i give what i can seeing as i rally was not ready for this... i sat there legs tight to my chest and shaking my leg - not because of any other reason other than i was freezing! her office thermometer read 69 and i felt like an icescicle!

we came to an agreement that when i feel like i need to purge - i will talk to my husband and if possible go to his work and sit with him for a while... this is REALLY going to be a challenge for me seeing as i normally wait until he leaves or isnt paying attention to purge and now i have to make that change for this to work... i want to get better - i REALLY do... i just wish this was not so hard.
im REALLY scared - i am petified of the weight they say im going to have to gain - i do NOT want to and i am not feeling good with it at all... i need to find a way to maintain this weight though without gaining - until i can get comfortable with it and then work on that... my first and biggest goal though is to stop purging alltogether... then ill work on the other side... the problem is hubby wants me to eat NOW and keep it all down... well since im scared to death of food - i have no idea how this will happen...
i hope i have the strength to do this and make it work this time...

im scared!

09 dec, 2011 friday 97

MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, scared, worried, afraid, uncertain, a little hopeful

ok today is the day when everything changes and i am scared as hell... i have this appointment with the therapist at noon today with my husband and he is going to learn a lot of new things that he is "aware" of but doesnt really know...im like an old dog - i am rigid and i hate changes... i prefer things the way i know them and just keep them going... however with this - that is not an option... so the anxiety is quelling again and the meds i took were helping but seems like it is building again...
im shaking like crazy and im cold... i have a long neck sweater on and pants and shoes and sox but it doesnt seem to be doing to much... i wish i could sit in a hot shower now but my husband should be home soon from his dr appointment and then we ar headed to richmond to get some Christmas shopping done - hopefully...

home made applesauce to cheer him up! and then some...

145pm thursday 08 dec, 2011                                                                      97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, nervous, freaking out, unsure, worried triggered

well i got up at 430 am and took my meds - i was determined to not bp today - was... i went to my apptointmen for my meds and i had a weird experience... see she is the one who before told me she didnt think i was 'sick enough' to need treatment... well today i guess her thoughts changed... i guess maybe cuz she hadnt seen me since sept at which time i was like 106... so ya ive lost quite  bit since then i guess... i cant see it andi dont feel it - in fact today i feel fatter than ever...
anyway so the appointment...she calls me nd i walk to go behind the normally locked doors and ten into her office... she shuts the door sits in her chair next to the couch im on ad says 'you look really fragile' i was like what? she says 'really thin, too thin' well i responded my normal response of no im not thin there is plenty left of me... she says 'why? because u could b thinner?' i replied with yes i could be but im not trying to be right now... as much as i want to believe that myself - i dont think she bought it either... i need to stop fooling myself - im thrilled ive lostso much weight! hell ive not been this size since probably about 6th grade or so... the problem is - its no making me happy and it is really worrying those who i care about, and love and hose who care about and love me... this is unacceptable and im making a change...

so i gave the letter to hubby lastnight... i was honestly expecting some sort or negative response - but it didnt happen... right nw he is still acting like i didnt give it to him and nothing is changed... i really hope he keeps this way as i dont want to lose him...

came home from the pharmacy ad seeing CM and started making hubby lunch... right as i was finishing and putting on his plte - he walked in - perfect timing today! then the mistake hit... he left back to work and i deided i couldnt avoid the trigger anymore so i ate and purged and now im exhausted... i feel like crap for wasting money by eating food im just going to barf up... but there was nothing else making me feel better... easing my anxiety over tomorrow just asnt happening and th anxiety meds did nothing for me today... so ya - im at 1x now again... i guess i cant be all too upset about it i mean i kow this cant happen overnight and i guess realistically i gave myelf an impossible goal for this month...but im still trying as hard as i can... i guess for now - i cant go over 1x a day if i do at all...

my son and i made applesauce in the pressure cooker... he is home sick from vommitting so we made the warm applesauce to help cheer him up and is gentle on the stomach... he is very content now!

i guess for now thats all i really have to say... i hope that i get back here another time today to write again... i just can think of anything right now except worry over tomorrow...

death by anxiety?

645pm 07 dec, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS AS HELL, worried

well its done. i wrote the letter - like 4 pages, and i gave it to hubby after he had dinner and i went to shower... he hasnt said anything to me - im not sure what he is feeling right now...normally im good about reading him but this time im very blocked... not sure if by him or from my anxiety though.

so in the morning i have to go to my psyche person and i need anxiety meds... ive been out about a week now and im afraid its killing me! i feel like iwont make it till the appointment tomorrow let alone friday...ugh

ive managed to not eat anything else today but i did drink a water bottle. i was goin to get powerade zero but they were too exspensive right now so i settled for propel zero... its safer to me anyway...

went to penny's and exchanged my jeans also got another pair an 2 nice fleece tops and a pair of cute grey sox with penguins on em! yay - love my new sox! i love all my sox!

made burgers and potatoe salad for dinner tonight, no complaints on burgers but my youngest said he didnt like the potatoe salad... oh well guess i cant please em all... i didnt have anything so today remains at 1x early this am so day 1 ends in the morning around 6am...im not worried - i can do this...im nt even hungry...

so im doe for tonight i want to go laydown and watch taps with hubby -if he wants to watch with me... then i want to drift into a deep sumber and no wake from being startled, having bad dreams or frm feeling like i cant breath... then to only wake when my alarm goes off...

so goodnight... and ill be back tomorrow...

my mind is a mess...

955am dec 07,2011                                                                                                     97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: anxious, frustrated, confused, disappointed, depressed, ready to hide forever.

this morning i woke so very early - 445 am and i had been having some weird scary food dreams that woke me... its odd because i very rarely have food dreams if ever... so i came downstairs and saw hubby and was talking to him when suddenly i found myself robotically making some food to eat thus leading to the purging... of course - so irritating... so after i purged i lay back down a bit  was so dam cold... hubby came home from pt and i made him and my oldest some breakfast (oldest home because asthma attack on way to bus again and he still hasnt gotten under control today)... ive been doing things on the computer for a bit now and im exhausted...

still gotta rewrite this letter and get the nerve to give to hubby this evening... i just hate to do it nd him go to be hurting or angry...but what else can i do??? i myself am hurting because i know he is probably going to hate me after tonight and im feel like im losng the only part of me that i know how to love... if he hates me and leaves me i have my children to be here for but i will be an empty shell... he is and has always been my one true love - soul mate and i cant lose him...i just cant...

do i really want this change???...

702 pm tuesday dec 06, 2011                                                                                97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: ANXIOUS, afraid, nervous, alone.

lastnight was my meeting at the james house - a support group for those who have survived childhood abuse... this is a 9 or 10 week program and next week is the last one... thank goodness - they are EXTREMELY triggering for me... i did share with the ladies about my ed - only because of the final night being a big dinner thing and i cant do it... turns out one of the other girls is recovered from AN but struggles with BN occassionally, her last bad bout being bout 6 months ago...

i feel like since ive been going to these meetings i have become way more 'paranoid' and everything startles me... ive been locking the vehicle doors soon as i shut them - same with the house... i used to could leave the house unlocked for the boys now i just get up and unlock it when they are due home...the van used to be locked once i reach a certain speed - it auto locks - but thats not safe anymore... ive also been having a really hard time sleeping and when i do - ive been startled awake with screaming in the darkness aor not being able to breath and gasping for air... i have no idea what the dreams are - i dont remember anything except when i wake and a lot of times i cant get back to sleep... even though i often say maybe i wont wake up - sometimes im scared it could actually happen and having those experiences - well makes it even more difficult...

today i woke up and took my meds - when i woke however i was EXTREMELY triggered and i have an inkling why but not for certain... thankfully my friend waon yahoo and we talked a while and i was able to let it pass.. since ive run out of anxiety meds a few days ago i know a large part was the anxiety build up for my therapy session this am an to bp would make me fel oh so much better! i didnt though... in fact today was a successful day and my new day  1 but day 5 in dec of being purge free - yay!

dinner was really diffiult to get ou of except my stomach hurt really badly... it fees like ive pulled a muscle or something adi just couldnt eat - so i didnt and hubby was not happy... he was like this is 5 dinners now u havent eaten... well last-night he just was not home when i ate because i had to leave for the meeting... i made sure to express this to him and told him ask the boys if he doesnt believe me - he let it go... now he has been eyeballing me and giving hints he wants me to eat - but its not happening - not tonight....

i am in some physical discomfort tonight other than the stomach... my ribs on the left side underneath hurt really bad... i do not know what causes it but wish it would go away...im really uncomfortable...

so i had the foot appointment today to find out what is going on with my toe... the dr had NO IDEA what the bump is and gave me referral to a dermatologist... a skin dr? thats what i asked him and he sid yes - they do more that kind of work he mostly does bone stuff... ok - well i dont care as long as someone fix this! so he gave me the script and i rushed to the hospital and gave it to my CM and she was going to make sure my dr got it and could enter the referral... hope it doesnt take forever like the last one did... doesnt matter though - i plan to exercise whether it hurts or not anymore... just deal with the pain - no pain no gain right?

so in session today she told me she had talked to my CM and to dismiss what she said about not needing to take hubby to my dr appointment that in fact i do have to... so NOT cool! i tried arguing my point that he doesnt need to know my weight - most husbands dont... an that noone needs to really know except me - well i lost the arguement - figures... so frustrating cuz i DO NOT want to tell anyone - i dont if i dont have too and the only person who knows right now - is me.

after the dr appointment and seeing my CM i headed home to make dinner and prepare for the meeting at his work at 6pm... as i was getting out of th van he pulled up so we worked on the dinner together... now ive never made a chicken caccetoire before but the pressure cooker came with a recipe so thats what i wanted to make and we did... dinner on the table at 5, cleaned up and ready to go at 530... i had all my stuff and we went to  the meeting... of course they had sacks ad refreshhments - normally they dont, so everyone rushed off to get a plate and i rushed to the bathroom and then to get in te van and come home... right now i still feel quite triggered simply because of the whole letter writting thing i have to finish and give to him... i am dreading giving it to him... i know he is going to be angry and hurt and its my own fault for hiding in myself and trying to not need additional help and support... i cant do that anymore - its killing me literally... although sometimes i wish i could die - i really dont want to just yet... i need to be here for my boys during the next deployment and i want to be here when they graduate hs as well as college, marriage, grandchilren and then there is the part of having my husband all to myself once they all move out.... peace and quiet! after being constantly with kids for 24yrs - i think it will be time for us to have time just for us...

so hmm.... i asked hubby to come to session with me friday - he is not sure he can but said he will try... im not sure whether to call the therapist and change the appointment time or just leave it... i guess ill figure it out tomorrow...

got a house to clean tomorrow and jeans to take back to pennys... im not sure i really have much else to do besides cooking dinner for the family... i making burgers for them and i hope i can escape eating... if not - there is no way i am ready for a meal like tat to stay down... i just cant...

im so sorry i am like this... i dont want to be a bother, a pain, a concern or a worry. i dont want to hurt those who i love the most and mean the whole world to me... i want to be the stable independant wife and mother everyone thinks i am... time to remove my costume and mask and be me - no matter how hard i have to do it... asking for help and support rather than being strong and independant is sometimes what it takes when u really want to change - for the better for yourself and everyone u care about...

i have really failed myself this time - not sure i can pic myself back up...

435pm monday dec 05, 2011                                                                                           97.6
MOOD/EMOTIONS: depressed, worried, frustrated, ANXIOUS - blah
today has been really sucky starting from lastnight at dinner... i tried to get ot of it... i was busy all day i felt like i never stopped moving... well everyone sat to have dinner and i said i wasnt eating because id had some chicken while deboning it... didnt work... hubby said i havent eaten with the family for several days now and he wanted to see me eat... f*ck. ok so fine - ill eat - but there is no way im keeping it down - no way. i am TOTALLY not to that point yet...

so thats how my eating ended yesterday... worse than this though - i got up this morning planing to bp just one time and start fresh with it all tomorrow... im not sure WHY i gave myself this permission but i did... my stomach was hurting bad and i couldnt eat much - fine by me, and then i purged and headed out for the day... my son was with me and we went to good will - i got 1pr of jeans and several sweaters, then we went to dollar tree picked up some things there then headed to return the movie via rebox at walgreens... then we went to books  million to look for a recipe book for the pressurt cooker but didnt find anything... next was where i made my mistake... my son was hungry - so we went next door to the chinese reseraunt and had that for lunch... my stomach was totally not happy and i purged... then we went to the px...there i got some m&m's to make cookies with and some snickers and a small package of candy for each of the boys... was really looking for some stationary to work on my letter to my husband explaining about the issues that are going on right now with me and what i am working on and the changes i have made and am trying to make... i have no idea what to say, how to say it, or even where to begin.... this is really hard because well u know - its my secret.... i mean he knows about the ed - just not about how bad its gotten etc...

so well - like i said its not been a pleasant day of me vs mia...im not going to freak out though...im going to hold myself in check and start fresh tomorrow.... i can still have the 29 days of purge free by doing that.... ill ty to get back later but probably wont make it till tomorrow.

YAY! YAY! YAY! ITS DAY 4~

305pm sunday dec 4, 2011
MOOD/EMOTIONS: i am extremely triggered right now but doing so well! i am happy! i have finally been able to be consistent with fasting for (330 today is 4 days since i last ate anything) 4 days! this means i have not been purging either! cant purge if i dont eat! so now once i get comfortable idk how many days, i will begin trying to make foods safe and putting into my body... i still do NOT plan to gain however...

sotoday i got a pressur cooker! yay! im using it now to see how i like it... so far its pretty good since the chicken wasnt thawed and neither s the ground turkey - which i was supposed to make tacos with tonight... so ya - good thing this cooks foods even if not fully defrosted...

today i have been SUPER kitchen busy! ive made: waffles, sausage, eggs for the family for breakfast... for lunch they had sandwiches and i made my youngest sons.... next i bake 52 sugar cookies, 3packages of muffins, croissants, breadsticks, almost 10 lbs if chicken in my new cooker, reorganized the fridge and cleaned the kitchen. im tired now but still cooking the last of the chicken. i drank 2quarts of koolaid made with splenda... hope to put away my laundry and get a nap and figure a way out of dinner...

so here goes for day 4... i know i cant eat yet - if  i do i will purge because i am just not ready for that step yet... im doing this MY way so i can make sure im successful.... this is the only goal right now - stop purging and be purge free 31 days for the new year...

i know - im an acrobat! really???

02 dec, 2011 610am                    (97.8)
MOOD/EMOTIONS: exhausted, anxious, slightly manic (?), down, determined, motivated

well let me start with a score 0:1 yep - i made it yesterday! so here is what happened - i decided wed night that i am D O N E with bn - period. it has to go. i cant keep doing this... so i told myself "i WILL NOT ALLOW myself to purge" this means whatever i put in - has to stay in... YIKES!!! talk about scared shitless! so ya i made it yesterday and today is my 2nd day... will see how it goes...

so as far as being exhausted - well i didnt sleep at all lastnight. been awake since 5am yesterday after only 3hrs of restless sleep the night before... i think i should be exhausted... hence this is why i said slightly manic as well... i was going - going - going yesterday and i didnt stop to rest until 7pm! so im not sure what is going on i even took 15mg of melatonin both nights...

so i should explain my daily title...
lastnight i was thinking about the ed... and i came to a conclusion that i am an acrobat by selection not choice... because i am afraid of heights -well it deffinetly doesnt make me very happy! i see myself as a tight rope walker with a long pole... ive been walking this rope a long time and my balance is good... so far able to catch myself when i would lose focus and balance or pull myself back up to standing and walking position... the scariest part of this is that below me is nothing but black... i have no idea what is down there - a net? a black hole? concrete? i have to keep walking and keep excellent balance and focus so i dont learn what is there...

so with the ed it is sort of the same idea... i have no idea what i am getting myself into on the other side... do i know it wont make me fatter? what if i hate myself even more? how do i know it will make me happy as everyone tells me? this is scary as shit but im doin it.... even if it was only 1 day - it was O N E day! i havent made1 day in a long time and i still feel determined and motivated to make this work... my goal is i am purge free as of right now ... at the end of dec - 31 days free of purging - THAT will be a huge step and i AM going to do it....
so the last part has to do with todays events... just thinking abut it is making my stomach flop... i am so anxious and the meds are not helping... i suppose the anxiety wont go away until ive gone through session... i just hope i make it out alive - i am feeling anxious enough i think my chest may explode!

150pm
MOOD/EMOTIONS: triggered, tired, anxious, nervous, afraid

i went through session today and it was vey hard.... i found myself extremely anxious and fighting the thoughts that were screaming at me... i know i cant gain weight from water - so the voice needs to leave me be...

right now i am fighting excuses i have in my head to allow for bp... it is a difficult and painful battle... my stomach hurts really bad and my chest feels like a 100 ton of hippos are on it... i have to keep fighting and i have to make it...

i always let myself down - not anymore... i will not allow myself to keep going because there is no purpose - it will kill me and probably sooner than later at this rate... if i let myself cave now - i will stop fighting and the end result will surely be death... i cant do that... right now - i need to prove i can do it... the bad part is uitting cold turkey causes massive pains due to digestion...

i am so cold again - i have not been able to get and stay warm, my toe nails are purple - as are my finger nails... but the worst and most annoying part is my hands tingling continuously - they dont stop even when i am warm and it is so annoying!

i think i want a nap - but i think sleepng now might be a bad idea and i wont sleep tonight... i guess ill go work on cutting and marinating veggies for tonights dinner for the fam - not me... fasting - 3 days minimum... to cleanse my system and be able to make it when i do finall have to start allowing myself to eat AND keep it down... this is necessary - i know but it is also - punishment... if i eat i am not allowed to purge so i had BEST be sure what i am putting i is worth it...

the hardest part of session today was admitting i know  have a problem and i have to work on believing it... that potentially my life is at risk and vitamins will only carry me so far for so long... the other part was admitting that losing weight without trying has me conflicted... i love the loss - fantastic! bbbuuuttt.... well i havent worked for it - earned it - so i dont deserve it... yet im not going to be able to gain - no way... not anytime soon anyway...

as far as the work to allow myself to drink liuids - today i am on my 3rd bottle of liquid... although it has no calories it is keeping me going and THAT is todays goal... well i suppose im going for now... i will try to add more later.

im sorry ive been away so long...

Thursday Dec. 01,2011
MOOD: ANXOUS, determined, hopeful, triggered, trying, motivated

well - it has been quite a few days since i last updated... so i was out bcuz i didnt have the mone to pay the bill until today...so now its paid and back upan i can sar writting again... however im not going to go al the way back ill just go back a few... i will let you know my TG Day was good - at first... then it ended with bp x1 also the dinner with hubbies work - well that day was aweful...

so now on to tuesay this past week... well it was aweful... i bp too many times and right now cant even recall... i think it started from the group on monday night - that was a hard one and triggering... i didnt cave when i got home but i woke triggered in the morning, then my son was hurt and had togo to er, i forgot to take meds cuz i left in such a hurry... well that ended in bp way too many times...i went to ANAD and i just wasnt in a good place... had horrible headache which i attoned to potentially low K levels... i took supplements when i got home and went to bed and in the morning headache was gone... idk it could have been i was tired too...

yesterday was another trigger filled day... i woke and bp on home made pancakes with ham i had baked the night before... i took my meds and slept in until 1030... i got up and did some things around the house, made lunch for hubby, took to him... came home and bp again... ugh... so then i finally climbed into the van - i decided i had to get out of the house and was supposed to see CM so thats where i went... turns out sh had let early - poo, shouldve stayed in bed... oh well went to GNC bought some vitamins, a sandwhich and cookies at subway which i purged when i got home.. so ended with 3x yesterday... too many again!

went to bed with a stomach ache, bladder pain - very BAD pains, and masive low K headache... took 2 K and went to sleep... i tried that is... i barely slept lastnight and when i finally did, well the last look at th clock was 213am... then the alarm went off for hubby at 500am -awake again and ever since...
i got up took all meds and then laydown a little to get warm and trying to sleep - didnt happen so got up at 6 and dressed and started doing stuff lik payin he comcast bill... then i started sortin coupons - throwing out the expired ones and clipping those i hadnt done yet were just needing cut out... i finished that and then went to the site Krazycouponlady.com and printed out some new coupons...  i just finished with that and started trying to organize them and decided to write as well...

so i am very triggered right now and im fighting... my heartis racing and anxiety is high - even with the meds... i am determined today though i have decided if i eat anything im not allowed to purge - no matter what or how much it is... this is scary as shit for me so idk if i will eat or not today... im sick of purging and i just want to stop -so im going too...

really nervous and anxious for tomorrows session... we r supposed to talk about my bringing hubby in with me and telling him whats all going on and how bad it has gotten... she told me at last session i have 1 foot in the hospital and a be waiting if anythig happens - no thanx! im not sure how much i want hubby to know - i think that is the ed speaking though and so i have to counter it and fight...we will see how it works out i guess...

well gotta get these coupons done, need to see CM, go g shopping, sears, target, walmart... tons to do!

today is a lllloooonnnngggg day...

140pm sunday nov 20, 2011

MOOD: exhausted, anxious, triggered, sore throat and headache...

i woke this am at 7 - well i was already really awake but i actually got out the bed and finally took 800mg motrin... this migraine i had started in the night and i thought i was dying... thn i lay back down and tried to sleep... no luck so finally i grabbed my phone and sent a meassage to my friend and a text o hubby for when would he be home s his breakfast would be ready... at 9am i lazily dressed in sleep pants entirely too big for me with a tsirt and a long sleeve sweater...

i had known i was triggere and i was trying to fight and be careful but i ened up caving in...i made my huby a bagel with egg n cheese and some coffee and while those were cooking i made some oatmeal with raisins... when his was done mine was done and we sat to eat... well he decided he was not going to sleep because he wasnt sleepy and i made  bagel for my youngest with butter and cream cheese and a bagel for me with butter, pb and honey...when i got done i tried to fight the voices telling me how fat i was getting sitting there and after about 5 min i couldnt take it anymore and ran into the bathroom downstair to empty it from my gut... i then went to my room, stripped, weighed, redressed and carried the latch hook downstairs... while down there i took my effexor since after i had weighed i tok my other meds as well...

after a few minutes i decided i was exhausted and was going to try to sleep - not do the latch hook right then... i slowly climbed the stairs completely exhausted and feeling exherted with eaxh step and breath the made my way to my bed... climbed in an grabbed my phone to chat with my friend... idk how long we chatted - not long, but som where around 11 i decided to log out and ty to sleep a little... well i drifted off quickly and i woke startled by some child outside or next door screaming and crying no! no! i didint do it! i wont! and at first it was so soft i thougt was in my mind but when i jumped nd woke it was a little louder and i went to check to be certain was not one of my boys in trouble which it was not....

i came back to my bed where i had to change all my clothes and put a towel down on the bed... i do not EVER sweat - im always cold but for some reason i had awoke in complete saturation of sweat through my clothing and onto the bed sheets... i was still chilly so i wonder if i could have had a fver andi broke from the motrin - maybe thats what the migraine was from?... i lay back down with my phon and start to talk with m friend agin, guess i was aslee nearly  hrs - yikes! ting is i still feel tired, like ive not slept, my eyelids are heavy and drooping and i can barely keep em open...

im highly triggered - woke from the sleep like this and the tiredness just makes me feel more triggred... i know if i bp it will exhaust me but for a bit i wll also have loads of energy... trying to figt it and my friend is as well so we keep talking... i decided to log into my laptop maybe this will wake m up and help wit the need to bp??? idk - but it is not helping yet!

so far today i have bp once, have a sore throat and a migraine... have to make tacos for dinner and tke my friend home plus get some gas... i hope i am strong eough to finally strike back at mia today...

lost the 3rd round...break time fight some more tomorrow...

649 pm nov 19, 2011
MOOD: disgusted, fat, bloated, gross, want to cut.

i am really disgusted with myself and my falling to my ass again... mia won a 3rd round and im exhausted... i really need some sleep so very bad and purging just makes me so much more exhausted...
i want to cut so very very badly... i have the time and opportnity too since hubby is working 24hrs... i need to fight myself though - i just can have anything happen that could land my ass into the hospital faster than i am already seeming to get there... i dont want to be in the hospital but im not sure of my chances of staying out either...

my boys r having another friend sleep over tonight and im going to try and stay up to watch a movie - if i dont then it comes on again dec 3,4 and 5 all morning times which is way bettr for me...

so this am i took my meds like i said - they were late though and the day ended up not only being long but also a triggerful day and i was trying to figure out why  felt so much "weaker" in my rounds with mia when i realized i had not taken all of my meds... my effexor was filled yesterday but it is downstairs - i had forgotten to take it... tomorrow i will be sure to not forget... i will finish the latch hook tomorrow as i didnt have the focus today... also i will begin another blanket athat usually keeps me warm... hubby will probably be sleeping for most the day so i may just stay in the bed with him and try to catch some extra sleep myslef... idk yet...

well im going for now... gonna try to catchsom zzzz's before the movie tonight...

i think im becoming an icescicle! ***potentially triggering**

1249pm sat nov 19, 2011

MOOD: IRRITATED, anxious, annoyed, fustrated, depressed, exhausted, and more i just cant name right now...

well lets begin with yesterday where i left off... after a while, i ended up cavin in and bp... it wasnt a lot - i dont think, was cottage cheese, a bowl of cereal and i think that was all - i dont remember... so ya i purged in which as i walked to the bathroom - i could not even make it upstairs so i ran into he downstairs one where it all came up in mere seconds then i returned to heading to my room to weigh - make sure everything was out... well that highly triggered me some more because the number was still up from when i had woken up... i wasnt up much and i suppose it was due to the koolaid and stuff i hd been guzbut well it was still hard to just let it be... thing is when i purged i had nothing left to get up because it was dry heaving after a second...

well i let it go i guess and i made it through the day... we had to go get the pizzas and when we got done picked up our friend and came home... i had only managed to clean the house, put away all laundry, bake and frost a double layer cake, put in the candles, do the shopping for a few things and while opening a can of the frosting - slicing open my finger! so i got stuff done well enough and i served the pizza which i first had to re-heat bcuz it had taken us so long to get home they were only still warm... so i heated on a reg plate and transferredt o foam plates for everyone... in order to avoid eating i served a piece to myself and tore pieces off, wrapped in paper towel and threw into the trash, then i would walk around pretending to be chewing... i served the cake and ice cream, didnt have any and i made it to bed without a 2x bp... so no - i wasnt proud of hiding like that or pretending - but i was determined to make it through another day without caving to BN more tha i already had...

i worked on the lady bug latch hook some lastnight before heading to bed and was ready for sleep at 9... my sons friend and our family friend stayed over night and the boys were all downstairs laughing and playing ps3 and movies... hubby had to go into work and needed to sleep so i had to make them be quiet - needless to say a restless sleep for me...

woke this am at 6 with hubby and i showered then without thinking went downstairs before taking meds which was a bad idea... i ended up eating - hence purging... so for today - i am at 1x...grrrrr... i had to heat breakfast for all the boys - they wanted left over pizza so that was easy enough! finally after they all ate and hubby went to work i purged nd came to lay in the bed... freezing and literally exhausted... i got up and put on a strapless padded bra and bathing suit bottoms and took some pics... i want to compare with older ones of myself - maybe ill see a difference? well - looking at them  do not see a differnce... imstill rolly polly and i can pinch fat all over my body... i know there is more to lose but i have to fight myself to not continue to drop... especially i weighed this am and well it was down even further... my mind was jumping with excitement and fear... im not sure which way i really feel about it... i really just want to be HAPPY.... i just want to like myself, like my body enough that i can function and start doing things i like rather than always be in hiding because im embarrassed of others looking at me.. i worry this will never happen...

so along with freezing today when i lay down i started talkin to my friend on here - i needed to chat and be busy and try t get warmed up... well we chatted a bit but i was so cold i decided to laydown and curl up for a bit to try and get warm... then the phone rang and it was a good friend - my first CM from here..she is so awesome! anyway we talked a bit...but we didnt talk about me really... i tried to avoid that conversation for today... idk what if anything she can do seeing as she is by law required to report things - whether she would do anything with regars to me and m weight and health... i know she had the abilitybefore - she and my DR and T had me admitted in 08, but since she is no longer my CM but instead a friend - idk her legal limitations for health care providers...

anyway - oh i did take my meds by the way - after  purged... i was not about to have another day of bp all dy -  dont have the want or energy to do so...so our conversation was about the cats, my boys, her boys and then she had to go...some one had called on her hm line bu when she got toit they had started calling on her cell... she was worried could be hubby so we said good byes for today... we will chat again soon i hope...

ok so here is the challenge of today... the following are pics - (***potentially triggering***) of me.. personallyi find them all disgusting ad i see grossness and rolls... however i am putting side by side to see before and afters... weights will also be added with the pics...

124

108

103

100.0

100.0

sorry these r sideways - wont let me rotate em even though i saved them right sde up...technology sometimes its great other times not so much... a difference? not that i cn see - i look exactly the same with each one... what will it take to see something different - something better?

can i get off this ride now? its not any fun!

1140am friday nov 18, 2011

MOOD: ANXIOUS, triggered, dizzy, tired, sad

happy 16th to my son today - this is the sad part... i cant believe he is 16... im not ready for him to be grown yet... oh well such is life...

so the ride... i want OFF! let me get on what that means...
ok so yesterday i had my therapy... i was anxious and wasnt looking foward to it just because the fact i didnt feel like dealing with anything... i knew i needed to go though and i did... there was a lot said and a LOT that im not happy about... so she tells me that the "treatment team" had a phone conference and they feel it is time to bring my husband into the therapy now. they feel he needs tobe made aware of how bad ive gotten and where i am as far as being '1 foot in the hospital bed'... she said if i keep going there is a bed waiting for me and i said no thanx... im not wanting to go into the hospital... so i am REALLY trying HARD to kick mia... im logging my intake so maybe i can be 'allowed' to have some and as long as i do some exercise i think i will feel a little more comfortable with it...

basically i was told i have to let her know whether i agree to bring him into session with me or not by our next apt. well i dont feel i have much choice to be honest... if i dont comply then because the 'team' recommended it i either have to do it or i lose my treatment... well -  dont want to lose my treatment but  dont want him coming either... however - i am choosing to ask hubby to come because i really do want to get better and without the treatment team - it isnt going to happen...

so i did my measurments lastnight and my waist is 22" my thighs t the thickest section are 15"... ive really lost some inches and im happy about that... however im not too thrilled with the fact that my clothes are really not fitting now... my pants i just bough that are sz 16 girls now need a belt to stay up... not cool...

i stopped at the hospital and got my effexor refilled then went upstairs to see my CM but she is out till monday... i really wanted to see her - i feel like i was sort of side swiped or trapped by them conferencing and my not knowing... especially since i saw her earlier this week and she never mentioned they were going to talk or that this could be recommended. idk i just feel like i needed to discuss it with her and now there is noone available for that...

today i was up at 4am... i have not slept hardly at all for 2 nights now - even with 15mg of melatonin... i have a 100ton hippo sitting on my chest crushing the breath out of me... ive ben taking the anxiety meds  but they arent helping worth anything right now... i emailed my psyche med person and told her whats going on and asked what i can do... i cant take this much longer...

i went to walmart this morning and i got some stuff for son's party this afternoon and then that was when i next stopped to get my meds then came home.. i cleaned hubby and my room, our bathroom, made the bed, finished the laundry, picked up the living room and game room, and baked/frosted a cake... no wonder im so tired right now!

when i got up this am i weighed of course - i always do... well once i weighed i was surprised! i cant believe the number on the scale but i guess i shouldhave expected it... there was another drop and even though im not supposed to try and lose more weight i have and i am happy about it as well a - like i said in a previous post - concerned... so no weight being posted as i feel it will be triggering...

i have to go get a friend for my son's birthday later and then im going to go to lil caesars to get some pizzas... im not planning to eat today... yesterday i only had 1x bp... so i am planning to do a 0 today... i have to get rid of mia...  will do it slowly but i cant give up... eventually i know i will make it with the right supports...

for now im done... trying hard to not cave to this anxiety which has be highly triggered... chattin with a friend - it usually helps for a bit... but i still have to finish cleaning and bake some cookies - im not sure i can do any of it right now... i guess ill come back later and see what happens...

hi-ho! hi-ho! off to school we go!

911am Thursday nov17, 2011

MOOD: good question???
i woke to the squawk of the alarm clock for hubby at 420am... irritated too because i was awake almost all night and had just fallen to sleep - oh well..i got up, went to the bathroom and ten back to bed... at 545am here my youngest sons alarm screaming at us and he is no where to be seen... of course - he had woke early and was already downstairs - forgeting to first turn the alarm clock off... ugh... oh well - need the extra time to help middle son get ready and myself ready so i can take him to school today...

i stumbled downstairs, dressed except shoes and sox and began putting the bandage and immobilizer on his leg for him... i then made my husbands breakfast so when he got home  ot would be ready just need to be reheated... 10 til 7 and my oldest, middle and myself loa into the van and head off... i drop oldest at his school (across the street from middl sons school) and go park to get my middle into school...

inside i speak with his JROTC Sgt and then his math teacher the finally to the office to speak with the personel there... she welcomes him back from his near week out and then says i have to go to the nurses offce to get the elevator pass nd exused from p until cleared by the specialist... so we walk to the nurses office bu she wasnt there yet... we went next to guidance to reqest makeup work be brought there so he could get all in one trip and not have to walk all ovr the school...next e waited for the nurse...

finall she makes a copy of the note from the speialist for his excused pe and for him to use the elevator she makes him a pass... i tell her about the motrinat noon and he can have ice if he needs it also it needs to be elevated if possible... finally free - i walk to he van through the chilly rain and icey cold wind - was glad the heater worked fast!

i texted hubby i was on my way finally and he says ok... he had his breakfas before i got home and said it was good - didnt mind having to reheat it... i had made him 2 eggs - over easy, eng muffin and some cottage cheese...then we sat on th couch for a few min before he had to return to work... it as nice tojust be close like that...
so the plans for today were NO BP - wll thats not happening... unfortunately i have already been binging an will purge - but i will not for the rest of the day... i think the stress of getting my son to school and worrying about him, as well as the lightheadedness i was havin just triggered me and i want able to escape.. i did tke my meds again though and that helps me do better withbp - for the most part...
worried about a good friend of mine today... i messaged her in yahoo several times with no response - i really hope she i ok... i have the latch hook here and im ready to finish it then i have some more yarn - im going to make another blanket... like we need more! haha! oh well! also have to go by the hospital today to make sure the claim is fixed that we were getting wrongfully charged for and i told my cm id come in and see her when i did that... those things should have me busy until time to do lunch for hubby an then drive to apt at 130... i hope this day doesnt last as long as it feel like it is going too...

I THINK WE ALL CAN RELATE TO THESE THREE PICTURES - NOTHING MORE NEEDS T BE SAID!

last night the hippo either lost some weight or partially slid off my chest as the anxiety tamed a bit... however - this morning the anxiety is really bad again and i think im going to have to take another pill... hate relying on the dam pills! makes me so irritated i just cant calm myself with my own strength but i guess thats life sometimes ad u just gotta go with the flow if it to survive...

1040am... MOOD: ANXIOUS AS HELL

i managed to make the 2 weeks without therapy but ive also had a hard time... ive not written much over the time - just beause the opportunity really hasnt been there... when ive had the time ive not had the ability or just no focus...

i took a shower -  was trying to distract myself from this 10 ton hippo sitting on my chest - but it didnt work and i really just feel worse... i took a pill a few minutes ago because i just cant handle this anymore...

finally on with my frien and im really glad she is ok... we are both struggling and i really find it consoling when we can talk... we are so much alike in some ways its like we could be the same person... i guess this is because those of us with the ed really arent as different from each other as we may think or feel...

so while in the shower i was thinking - dangerous i know... anyway, i was thinking that in order for me to have 'safe foods' first i have to have permission to eat... right now if i eat anything - it automatically feels like a binge which results in purging... perfect example is that binge i had this am... i ate some pasta and some tootsie rolls... im not sure if what i ate qualified as just eating or as a binge - either way i purged...

i had planned to not purge - well i was debating it as i went up to my room but the overwhelming screams in my head just took over and i had to purge... the relief to my stomach was an awesome rush as it emptied... i felt like i was going to pop otherwise...

nearly 11am and i just havent done anything yet... im not sure honestly what i can do with this anxiety crushing me... it best get off soon or there won be anything left of me but squish!

theres a hippo on my chest!

wed nov 16, 2011
340pm MOOD: ANXIOUS

well there really is not a hippo on my chest - but it FEELS like there is! i have so much anxiety right now! so... let me start with ANAD lastnight - it was ok but i was already anxious and triggered before i got there... i did manage to not bp again which was good... however the male psych was there and im always way more uncomfortable when he is there... since i had planned to 'play hookie' lastnight because i was in a place not good for dealing with issues i just didnt want to have that added anxiety... but i went since there is no meeting next week...

during the meeting they talked about a lot of stuff and i was there but i wasnt 'present' most of the meeting... meaning - i was dissociating and i think i was aware - im not even sure honestly... thinking about it now i know i was but lastnight im not sure if i knew... so i drove home after the meeting, showered and was so ready to sleep! i barely woke this am when the alarm went off and i felt so dam groggy from the melatonin - like it hadnt worn off yet since i had taken it so late...

got up this am and sent my 2 boys - oldest and youngest, off to school, middle stayed home 1 more day due to his leg surgery but he is going tomorrow... i hope he doesnt get bumped or knocked over... i went downstairs and waited for the 2 to get off on the buses and then went up to shower... i was still so tired i sat in there and i started to fall asleep until the bathtub bottom began to hurt my ass... i had been using a handtowel folded into 4-ths to sit on and give cushion but i think hubby threw it in the laundry so i just got out... i dried off, laydown and tried to sleep... i was exhausted and eyes wouldnt stay open but i couldnt sleep - so annoying! i finally got tired of trying and texted my friend on yahoo and turned the tv on to csi Miami and picked up the crocheting... i wanted to finish my sons blanket today so it was as good a time as any to work on it...

i came downstairs at 1115am because i knew hubby would be home about 1145 to have lunch... i made them - hubby and son, grilled cheese with ham sandwiches and a southwestern bean and veggie soup... he was very happy with his meal... i enjoy making him food and knowing it is healthy too...

then the issues started though... i was sitting at the table as he was eating and i was crocheting the blanket... i got up and sat on his lap because well sometimes i just do that lol... so im sitting there crocheting and he grabs my right thigh and says "what the hell? your legs are so skinny - its like only bone" i tried to ignore it then he says "i know youre not eating" and i said "yes i am!" so he says "well you arent doing anything to keep it in your body"... i got off his lap and sat back in the chair and changed the subject to his work day and when he sould be off... i asked if he wanted to watch a movie or do a family game night tonight too... a few min later he left back to work... im not sure but i felt like he was upset with me and will try to continue the conversation tonight - i hope not... im just not mentally or emotionally able to deal with this added shit right now...

so on top of my sons surgery, my husbands chest pains, my anxiety and dumb period... i talked to my mom via speaker phone the other day and well basically she told me she is dying and doesnt know how much longer she has... of course all 3 of my boys were sitting there talking to her with me and heard the whole thing... not cool... my middle is already really having anxiety separation since his surgery and after that conversation - he really seems to be worse... i just hope he makes it at school tomorrow...

today has been a fairly decent day as far as bp... ive not... ive had a bottle of diet green tea and a 28oz tumbler of tea i made in the pitcher here... im not triggered, not hungry and not craving... honestly im quite content within my gut right now... if that makes any sense!

i finished my sons blanket at around 3pm and had my oldest son take a pic of it with me holding it up. so here is the pic:

this is dark coffee brown with flecks of colors in it and the other side is white with flecks of color. it is the size of a twin bed.

400pm now and my mood is feeling really anxious still... im about to go take an anxiety pill because this hippo is getting to heavy to hold... i think the hippo needs to go on a diet!

o m g!!!

533pm today (well tonight) is tuesday nov, 15 - yikes no updates or checkins since the 10th - not good...
well here is what has been happening and y i havent been writting...

so 11th son had to be at hospital @ 615 am for surgery! we got there 6am seeing as there was a marathon and we were concerned of being trapped in traffic and being late... so we get him all checked in and wait to be called back... finally called back, he gets into a gown and a nurse comes to recheck paper work again and then tells him whats going to happen as she preps him... she gives him the iv and then shaves his leg where the incision will be made... next she tells him she will give him a shot of medication to make him a little sleepy and then he will be wheeled back, get the loopey gas and fall asleep... he is wheeled away - i nearly cry as he is still wide awake and we had been told we could be with him until he was asleep... his face turned blotchy - he was fighting tears as well...

once he was through the double doors dad and i are escorted back to the waiting room... freezing cold i decide on a cup of coffee and i add splenda... i then go further and put a dash of non-dairy creamer in it... it was so warm... felt so good... couldnt purge and right then i was just soaking the heat... i wound up having 3 cups all together before he was out of surgery... hubby ate a bagel with cream cheese and a scone from panera bread - courtesy of the hospital... i was just starting to work on his blanket when we were called back and he was waking up...

when i saw him he wasnt even moving... just breathing and rested... i said his name and kissed his cheek and he stirred it made me feel so much better i was the first he saw as he was waking and hid daddy too... after about 30 min of him really struggling to wake he was awake - sort of, dressed and ready to go - he was starving... he wanted golden corral and so thats where we headed... once there i got his food, got mine and well it ended up anoother day full of bp... i think 3? maybe only 2...

when we got home i lay in the bed and he lay next to me and asks his daddy to lay with us too... he is very cuddly right now and i think it was his being pulled away while still awake... idk... we get up and he takes some meds for his pain and he sleeps some more... poor thing i feel so bad for him... for dinner i was going to make pizza but we dont have any pitas so i decide on something else - scallopini with rice and veggies... he was happy but that was his second choice dinner... i promise ill get the pitas the next day and make his pizza then... when we go to bed, exhausted, i try to sleep but he wakes us every few minutes... between him and my lovely cold sore that i got that night - well the night was shitty...

sat am my son comes into the bed and asks can he lay with us... he is still feeling anxiety seperation i think even though he doesnt admit it... all day he worries about where his daddy and i are and whether he can sit or lay with us... we nap for a bit at one point and i just wait for him to wake before i got up...

my relationship has been anything but physical with hubby this past few days... neither of us has the energy and thats just how it is... he does hold me close before we go to sleep and it feels so safe i drift into a slumber only to be awoken by my son needing his meds in the middle of the night for the pain... oh well... sunday all day i baked cookies and did laundry - just caught some simple stuff up... we watched the last and final part to harry potter and deathly hollows pt II... and i worked on the latch hook , nearly finished it during the movie - which the movie was awesome!

monday comes and im really easily irritated... by EVERYTHING... i thought my period was coming like the 9th or 10th but it went away as fast as it came... who knows what is going on but monday im pmsing and im cranky... i still manage to do some things, made a nice dinner of baked chicken with cream of chicken soup and broccoli in it and then a pot of rice to pour it over... there was like nearly no left overs... bp has been aweful - completely terrible this entire weekend... lets see 3x saturday, sunday and again monday... i had the group also and it was really really triggering for me - the only way i made it was to bp before... while i was there i was able to crochet which helped the anxiety some... but when she asked me to share my story - no way! i am SOOOOOOO not ready for that!

i get home and hubby is already showered and had his hair cut and is ready for bed - wow its early too! we go upstairs, i take meds and change into sleeping clothes and lay next to him on the bed... he wraps his arm around me and pulls me close to him and we watched some silly tv for a bit before my meds make me start to drift off...

i wake at 430am to his alarm screaming at us and quickly fell asleep... my stomach hurts and im not happy... well what do u know? fucking period is here and its killing me! i take some pain meds and go back to sleep until i gotta get the boys off to school... then i go back to shower and hope it helps my dam cramping which at this point was doubling me over... hubby comes home and i had made him a bagel so he showered quick and went to eat before going back to work... he said hed be home for lunch so i tell him ill make him something...

was planning to go back to sleep but that didnt happen...instead i chat on the phone via yahoo with a good friend... she is very down today and i am also... it really helps when she and i talk - we have a lot of shit that we can each relate to the other... she decided on some not so good behaviors for today and i feel sad for her... i know this struggle all too well and i wish she didnt have to have it as well... me - im staying clear of that part though - i have enough issues im fighting dont need to add that back again...

we talk for a while then i get up, dress, make the bed and then decide to put away my laundry... while im doing that i also go through my clothes and pull out the ones that are just toooooo big and put them in a box in the hall closet... i dont plan to ever wear or fit them again - but im not sure i wanna get rid of them just yet either... what happens if i bloat up overnight and cant fit anything? it could happen... just sayin...

i come downstairs to prepare lunch for hubby... should be ready right at noon when he said he would be here... nope - he comes in at 1145 so the lunch is still cooking... grrrr.... i made him sandwiches with boneless ribs, grilled onions and pepper jack cheese on hoagie rolls... he was very happy with that lunch until i told him i wasnt eating when he asked me... so... yep i decided to bp - to keep him happy...

thought i could do no more today but i ended up doing that one and now ive not had anymore since...my weight had dropeed to 101 but then bloat today from period has me at 102.6.... im not happy - im triggered and i want it back down...

so i preparing to head out for anad... ill try to update more tomorrow....

2x & counting but hopefully not adding...

1:07pm Thursday Nov 10, 2011

MOOD: aggrivated, anxious, nervous, triggered

so the title says it all - yep ive already bp 2x today - but that is so much better than the past 2 days!
i realize the past 2 days has sooo been my own fault... i could blame not taking my meds - but i made the conscious decision to not take them... i wanted to bp... i wanted to feel the emptiness and relieve my stress and fears for a little while... i didnt regret it then - but later in the evening i deff did...

so day before yesterday i dont know wha really went on - i cant recall too much... i think i went to old navy, i know i did the ANAD... it was pretty good... we really talked but we all left early and i found myself bp on the way there AND on the way home... this was a first and im not exactly sure what triggered the after time... it sort of freaks me out...

monday was the first support group for other issues and i know that totally had me triggered... i let it get me and i ended up purging there before i went in and then i was stressed and headachey when i got home - i didnt pay any attention to hubby and just wanted to sleep...

tuesday when i got home i accidentally woke him so then it was time for some attention and even though i felt gross i also needed that feeling of oneness for a bit... i just didnt light any candles or turn on any lights - i just didnt want to be seen...

well then yesterday i went to the hospital and had my sons pre-op dr appt... she filled out the paperwork and talked to him about what the procedure would be... she is really really nice (thats why i changed to her as their PCM now) and she settled a LOT of his fears... we went to walmart and target then chinese food for lunch - ugh... a buffet where i girged myself until i thought i was going to pop (which looking at what i ate - really wasnt that much but it was still too much for this person)... i purged and then we went to toys r us where i stayed in the van and he went in to price skateboards... next back to hospital and see cm...

seeing cm for 2 reasons - i needed her to fax the hospital paperwork over for his surgery... since i dont have a fax and she could do it free - i went that route... but also to see if my dr had responded back to her about my 2 questions 1. about a referral for my foot and 2. about the alcohol allowance...
well the dr still hadnt contacted her so she said she was going to go in this am and talk to the dr for me... i got a call at about 930am this am that the referral was in and i should get notification within 5-7 bus days and the alcohol allownce - well thats just a joke...

then we went to the px and he got his new skateboard and one for his little bro (they have been dog walking to earn the $ for it) and i got my vit c, mag and nac-600... then i bought sandwiches at subway to bp on and drove home... when we got home my youngest was so excited about the new board - he is just learning, and they rushed right out to board.... i continued to binge on my sandwhiches... roast beef for one and steak and cheese for the other - yum... ugh... then i of course purged... i was so exhausted i really needed to rest but i didnt... instead i came down and began preparing things for dinner... i made tacos and then my youngest and i made a cheesecake and baked brownies... there goes another bp...

when i went to bed lastnight i was so tired but i didnt feel like doing anymore bp which was really nice... i asked hubby to just hold me for a bit and that was relly nice but it always leads to the physical part which i didnt mind since we only lit 1 small candle and he could barely see my outline...

when the melatonin kicked in - i was out for the night... i only woke at 330am when i had to pee and again at 4 when his alarm went off - then i was out until my buzzer so rudely decided to sqwak! i got the boys ready for school and debated taking meds or go and bp on the cheesecake since lastnight it wasnt ready and i really wanted it... well i came down and ate cheesecake and cereal and bagel with cream cheese, purged, took meds and sat in the shower till the water was cold... i climbed out, toweled off and lay in the bed where i collapsed into a deep purge caused 'comoatose' sleep... when i woke i buzzed a friend on yahoo and chatted while i dressed and prepared to head out for a bit... i DID NOT want to bp anymore...

well that helped - talking to one of a few of my friends always does - or at least helps me hold off on behaviors a bit... i went to Old Navy and exchanged some pants, bought 1 more pr of jeans and another 2 sweaters then went to walmart... i got some koolaid packets - unsweetened and some diet lipton green tea then went to the comissary... i spent more than i meant to but it was all good stuff and we needed it... then i came home...

as im heading out the driveway of the com - hubby texts 'omwh 4 lunch' crap! so i get home and unload the foods, he comes in and makes his lunch and the proceeds to get me to also eat - this landed me in another binge which meant i again would need to purge... once i was done and purged i felt better and im not eating dinner - even if he pushes me... i dont care tonight...

so a few days ago a friend whom ive known for about mmm almost 2 yrs? she accepted my friend request back to fb and yahoo - im so glad, ive really missed her! ive kept up on her blog and always read her posts to my other friends fb pages... but she didnt want to be my fruend for a while - i think she really isolated from many people... i told her it was ok - i was always going to be here and when she was ready i would be waiting... so yay! we are back on talking and she was who helped me to not cave again this am...

so at old navy the other day, monday, i got 5prs of pants - 2 were yoga long pants from the girls section size 14! omg! i could not and can not believe they fit! i am wearing a pr now! they are really cute too so YAY! the other pants well one pr was so big i had to return for a smaller size and the others i didnt like how they fit... then i got 1 more pr and 2 sweaters from girls section as well... i really like the sweaters so awesome!and they were on clearance which of course was even better!

the weird feelings i was having - with the darkness and not able to breathe and stuff seems to have gone for now - thankfully cuz those were scary... but then yesterday something else started... like these headaches - which im used too... but then it was like everything was pulsing far and near in my head and sounds were like louder or quieter and words were like zooming in and out from the screen... i couldnt focus and i was really irritated... i actually smacked my head a few times to try and make it stop but it didnt help... it was weird... then this am it was gone but when i was at walmart it started again but went away really fast thankfully... i did not like the way it made me feel at all!

i also got really anxious while i was there and had the shakes... now im not sure what the cause was but i think i was afraid of caving to bp and thats what set me off... i just dont really know for sure... i dont plan to cave again though - i cant have anymore incidents like before - i NEED to kick BN out FOR GOOD!

so no therapy until the 17th... guess no cancellations today as i never got a call... oh well - im on my own to make this work... glad i have a few really good friends to 'call' on when i really need it...

i havent cut since the last incident - but i have wanted too... ive just really been fighting it... therapist said its because im turning to something else in response to giving up the bp... well cutting is not going to be the correct answer and i know this...

something else... ok so i was told im going to have to gain the weight back that ive lost since aug... well im NOT ok with this and was struggling to just hold the number i had gotten too... well i lost another lb... so now im only .02lb from my lowest which was in 04 when i was admitted on tube feed... i dont plan on ever doing that again but im also not planning to go back up... honestly - it excites and scares the shit out of me all at the same time... im so happy to have it dropping and not be doing it on purpose or trying, yet im scared to death - almost literally, to let it keep dropping because i cant guarantee it will stop and i dont know how i will cope if it keeps dropping... it makes me crave the lower digits and i want to be in a 2 digit weight so bad i can almost taste it - but yet i cant make myself lose any more... i feel like im in a way better place than 04 anyway because not abusing the lax like i was then and purging is under the 24+x i was doing then... this really causes some major conflicts and screamin arguments in my head...

i think im about finished for today... cant really think of much else to update as of right now... my oldest has his 16 next friday and my middle his surgery tomorrow... this is a massive anxiety, stress and trigger issue for me today... hoping i can fight and resist BN for the rest of the day...