a very early start...

Sept 30,2011

yikes ok so it is only 630am!
Thats ok i feel ok right now seeing as i was finally able to pay the phone bill and now my phone works again - yay! my husband was also very happy! the other good thing is that the account only had a neg balance of $200 after the fraud charges were removed and all the fees they resulted in - way better than almost $1000! that relly lowered my stress now too...
so i am taking the boys to the bus this am - first time ive been able too then im heading out to richmond... going to get my iron at whole foods and i need some other stuff too... also going to go grocery shopping today and i have therapy...
im feeling triggered and like i need to bp but i am trying to fight it... and since i am less stressed i hope it will help with my fight... i am keeping my prayers up for a really good friend... she is also ana and having a really hard time, they are deciding today when she gets another peg feeding tube... im so sad she is having such a hard time - im glad she knows though and is getting help... i hope i dont fall that far - i dont think my family would stick around to be honest...
my husband already made comment when i asked him to look at my back because i felt something that was itching... he said "all i see is every rib in your body and skin covering it" it made me feel horrible but also happy - i want to see my bones then i know im not obese... too bad i cant see them though only he does... and if i eat i really see fat bloated rolls and i hate it - i despise it... i then feel like i need the pain so i end up doing things which punsish me...
i woke this am at 3 am with a horrible leg cramp... havent had those in a while so either it was from all the walking yesterday or from all the bp - i guess it could be a combination of the 2...
well need to get these munchkins ready... ill post more to this later...

epic disaster of relapse and failure...

29 Sept,2011

so hmmm it is 322 pm on thursday and this past few days has totally not gone as i planned.
i woke yesterday planning to make the day with zero bp - i think that every day and im finding im the master of lieing to myself. because i do not agree with lieing - it is making things even harder and i feel even worse about not accomplishing the goals for that day.
anyway...yesterday i ended up bp 3x... i had a headache and was exhausted and i was asleep by 9. i didnt leave the house again. this whole week all i have done was leave to pick my son up from school monday because he had a migraine and then on tuesday for ANAD. otherwise ive been strapped to this house and it is the worst triggering ever.

so now it is 445 sorry i had to help my son with some homework...
im hoping i won eat dinner tonight  im not hungry and if i eat it will be binging which w know what happens then...
the house has like nearly no food again... ive eaten and puked so much its rediculous - the only thing i can say is it was all helthy suff... like potatoes and peanut butter on whole wheat bagels... i was craving those bad for a while - glad that went away now...
im super tired still... i know its the iron is low because i dont have the right strength so im taking a much lower dose... tomorrow i will get the right oneswhen i go to therapy in richmond as there are only 2 stores  know that sell them...
im baking chicken with cream of mushroom soup over it, and then im steaming some mixed veggies and im boiling gnocchi... they can put the chicken and soup over the top... a newway for having the chicken gnocchi and i didnt feel like cutting the chicken and i didnt get it in the crockpot this am anyway so this is ok... there is bread i can butter and heat for them too... i think they will like it all...
so i ended up getting my fat lazy ass out of the house today... i walked 6mile by walking first to kenner to see sylvia theni walked to the bank and then home... it may have been a little over 6 miles but im only counting the 6 i know for sure...
my back is sore too but lately its always sore.
i have nothing really good to say here, im just trying to make it through... i have stuff to update for my session tomorrow. im afraid im going to be in trouble because the whole goal thing has not been going too well...i think this week i managed to keep down that 30cals drink on friday and another day i did gum which i count because it has 10 cals for 2 pcs and i have to chew it, then today i also chewed gum...
im finding it is even difficult lately to drink my hawaian punch drinks... im only ok with water or no sugar added teas...so like making tea with just water and the bags and adding ice and some splenda... i havent been able to do the other stuff and i think i know why... it is very triggering for me because i know i am not supposed to intentionally be trying to lose weight... does not mean i do not want too - i do, but im not trying too so by not trying to lose it means i have to really be careful of what i have... everything counts even more now because my goal is maintain not lose and def NOT gain... so my insane fears of my weight going up from any and everything are escalated and the anxiety and depression are really bad....
at ANAD tuesday the discussion was pretty interesting... it was to me anyway... the girls were talking about how their family members are larger or big sized and how some have different types of eating disorders themselves... i found this interesting because like them  my family is hugely obese and im terrified of ending up like that! the part that makes it worse is when i eat something and the weight shoots up - it scares me to no end resulting in the purging behaviors... i need to find a way to stop that!
so today for the walk i felt great to get some exercise! the best part is i didnt spend the day just eating and puking! this is why i believe if i get a pt job - it will enforce some structure and enable me to get myself under much better control... idk i hope..

hmmm it is now 727pm and things have gone the way i didnt want...i ended up eating the chicken with soup and veggies and purging... then i ate some bread with sugar free prserves which i then also purged... today was 3x though which is 3 days in a row... not the best but it is better than i had been doing lately...
ive managed to not drink any alcohol this week - even though i really wantd to a few times... my goal was not to so i didnt... now if ican only do the same with the other goals...
so tomorrow i have things to do  pay bills, go to whole foods, martins, bread store and of course grocery shopping...i have some gum so i am aiming to try and make the goal of watching what i eat and trying to not purge... i must do at least 1 thing... this is so hard but it is a goal for me... just because honestly i havent kept food down in ages... with the exception of friday's drink and the gum chewing... im anxious and nervous for tomorrow... i am scared of sabotaging myself subconsciously and that makes it worse...
i was thinking about recovery and if i am motivated? i am motivated most days, but other times i am so exhausted from fighting the unknown that, well, just doing what i know - is truely much simpler. that doesnt means its ok to stop and it doesnt mean im not going to keep trying of course i will it just explains some of what seems like a loss of motivation. its really not loss of motivation - its a lack of enough energy to keep my footing... sometimes i need to have a breather and i guess thats what i do....i need to try to stop taking those breathers because thats like giving myself permission to be sick andi dont want to give myself that permission... what i do want is to go back to restriction at least that is less dangerous and less strenuous on my body... then i can build to a more stable eating routine... my dr had even said she would rather me restrict or not eat than purge because its not as bad for the body... so there we have it folks!
my husband is home, i was helping my son somemore with his homework... he had to create a 'teasure box' which has 7 items in it and then answer the questions about each item... now he is decorating the box but we had to wrap it and i wanted him to do th most of it i just supervised and helped to tweak the areas that werent matching up... he has stickers and pictures and markers and he is coloring some things to put on it now and has added some stickers already... once he is finished decorating - its just to move the items carefully into the box and make sure it goes in a bag he can take on the bus...


ok so i am done for now... i have nothing more to really say and i cant decipher my thoughts...sorry I just have no focus to write this in my journal…

ugh I guess it doesn’t really matter anyway… wish I had some vodka or long island ice teas right now…

hello dreary dark tuesday...

hmmm it is 736am and tuesday....this week has been nothing but stumbling downhill with recovery...I can't seem to find my footing so I just tumble and roll some more... The ground terrain is rough and I'm getting awful sore and tired not to mention dizzy...

so I guess u can tell things are not going good. I can't seem to get a hold of the b/p it just keeps getting worse. I think I'm going to email my meds dr and ask her for a higher dose of my Prozac. When I take it - it does help a little but not as much as I think it should after the webinar last week and he said usually it takes the 60mg to help with b/p I think that's what she needs to put me on - I'm on 40 now. Idk...it worked really well at first but now not so much however when I don't take it - the kitchen is def NOT a safe place!

I took all meds yesterday and got the b/p to 3x that's the best in days. I know I was taking my meds this weekend but they didn't do anything for me and everything set me on a binging and purging rampage. To be honest I don't remember much of this past weekend or for that matter most of the past 2.5weeks. These lapses scare me. These are when I find I've done things and don't even remember - it is very scary.

yesterday I spent the day creating my online portfolio and resume and then applying for jobs posted on craigslist. I hope something comes through but the problem is they can't call me right now so that may be a deterrent. I found many pt and ft positions and the start pay was good. I will be happy for now with something pt just to add some structure and give me a little extra $. The problem will be if the position is in an office I have no nice office attire. Guess that means I'll have to go shopping for clothes and honestly my mental state can't handle that right now. I really hope I get one of the out of house nanny positions for now with the simple pt hours and decent pay rate. I miss working with kids and that will still give me the ability to be home for my own kids and do my online classes. I guess we will see what happens...

I got an email from the military.com and I guess the GI bill is now allowing a stipend to active duty and their family members using the go bill for online education. I have to find out how to get mine seeing as that's how we have been paying for my MA courses. It will be nice because it is $650 a month that's almost like me working pt as is so that will help immensely!

as for emotional this past few days i have been so lonely but I've been mostly numb. I wanted to just be held, be close but I didn't say anything as hubby just wanted to play his online game. As much as they have been over working him he needed the mental break so I think I went autopilot and dissociated and just spent the weekend numbing myself through b/p. Like I said above that is all I vaguely remember from this past few days.

today will be my 2nd day of b/p 3x or less...since 1x already I am going for nothing else but tea and after for the rest of the day. I have more jobs to apply to and then I need a nap cuz I did not sleep last night but also have ANAD tonight...

who says its not ok to say what i need to?

708pm 21 sept 2011

MOOD: depress, bloated, crampy, crabby, a 'dont touch, talk, or look at me' kind if mood.

ok so it has been a few days... well more like almost a month and i aplogize for my absense. things have been extremely rough lately and i have not been in the best of places to share anything with anyone.

last night was by far one of the worst in the nearly 2 weeks since ive seen my therapist. i feel like somewhere in the past near two weeks ive sort of given up? i didnt mean to and didnt plan it - i think it has sort of happened though and im not sure how to get back 'on track' so to speak.

ok let me back track and explain a bit....
so we had the horrible hurricaine which started a spiral of negative events leading up to this past two weeks... we had no power for 2 weeks then the following weekend we had my boys' bday party/sleep over. that was ok except the one girl who was there i think is in the beginning stages of an ed and it scared the shit out of me some of the remarks she made, not to mention the other comments i had gotten earlier that same day...

next was my appt with Pam (my psyche med person) and i was ok with it at first... but then i got upset because she didnt seem at all concerned regarding my weight. i wa frustrated because all these people telling me how skeletal and skinny and sickly i look then the one person who is a key part of my treatment is perfectly ok with it? talk about confusing and mixed messages and wow - ed had a fun time with that!

trying to just let that go was really hard and i still think im harboring it even though im trying not too... so after that which was wednesday, friday i had my therapy appt and that was really really hard for me. i had to create some new goals as well as face the ones i should have achieved. i made most of them but was really struggling with the not losing more weight thing. i totally wanted that off my list! so i made my new goals and was off for the day to do what needed to be done...like paying bills etc...

yikes next was another ANAD after a LONG weekend.... ANAD was ok that week but the next day was hard - i had to do an intake with the lady from the James House and i was totally not wantig to do it... i just dont feel like dealing with that shit i want it to just be nonexistent and have not have happened. pretending it didnt keeps it at bay but sometimes it does get in my way and i realize that... so the nex day i get a call from hubby saying his bankcard isnt working... great. i go to the bank and we find we have fraud on our account and are overdrawn nearly 1000$! OMG! i go to his work and i let him know and we get the stuff to make a claim.... it is filed and faxed that night but wont be worked on until friday am... well this is grand as im floating in the van - not driving as i have fumes not gas left... im so scared im going to be stranded!

i call Diane and leave a message i have to cancel... im not thrilled... i know i needed that session and i was not in a very good place...i was now beginning to quickly spiral further downhill not up... my husband comes home after pt with some $ from a fellow soldier to help us get gas and some food in the bare fridge and cupboards but it wasnt in time for me to make my already cancelled appt.... i go to the store to get the bare neccessitites - i have coupons and calculator in hand... i really have to be careful and make sure im extra thrifty.

i get a call during my trip at the store from Diane and im able to give a little information but not any detail - i am in public and im wearing my 'smiley face' so i dont scare or worry anyone... i feel like shit and im ready to just hide so i go home and thats exactly what i do... well almost... instead i start making food for the fam and in the process begin binging... i just eat this and that bites here and there... when everything is done cooking i go purge and im ready to sleep. im so exhausted.

then my hubby comes home and he got a loan for food and gas from the AER and we go grocery shopping...saturday we also spend shopping until the van breaks down... i swear when something bad happens - it just keeps going... i feel like im going to completely lose myself... i just feel like giving up...
we take the van to the auto zone and have diagnostics run and they say everything is good... this cant be right so we take it to the mechanic we normally use for our car... they let us leave the van and say if they can get it done before 1 they will let us know otherwise not till monday... great now i feel like shit, im stranded, have nothing to do and will be ALONE... NOT GOOD!

sunday passes with me not even rememebring much except the binging and purging which was far from in control... im scared now because its all i can seem to think about... how can i eat and puke while my husband is here and him not know??? its hard but im unfortunately very good at it... im also good at hiding the dishes so he doesnt know what ive had or not and to replace the stuff i eat so he cant tell...im ashamed of these behaviors - i despise and hate them yet they take over and i feel as though im not even in my wn body anymore...

monday comes and i wake slightly hungover...yep i got drunk lastnight and i dont even care... i just wanted the binging and puking to stop and it finally had... the problem now? i got up and my husband came home in a tizzy and i just let it set me off to anothe day of binging and purging...

tuesday morning i wake hungover a third day... i have to be careful this is not a good way to be going on and i know... i dont have any idea what the hell is wrong with me... all i can seem to do is crave peanut butter and potaotes (not together yuck!)... i start trying to contemplate what the hell is going on... why am i doing this? how can i let myself fall so hard right now? some things come to mind,
a) finces have me stressed
b) the call to James house and then the intake
c) the bank account fraud
d) no money
d) no food or gas to take care of my kids with
e) my period is due any day...

ok so now that i had an idea i was thinking i could get through the rest of the evening, ANAD and wednesday in a good decent way... well that thinking was nice while it lasted but i was feeling so down... so depressed and gross - it was a VERY VERY VERY bad body image day and i had to wait for ANAD to start... where i had to sit there ae these HUGE windows and all i could see was my horrible fat and disgusting reflection... needless to say this just didnt help the hatred which was harboring and building... it got so bad the storm turned into a tumoltuos tornadoe... i wanted to die... i scratched my left wrist with my keys until it was bleeding then used the key to hit my left thigh over and over until it bruised...

time for the group and i just could not go in... i could not face anyone or anything not like this... so i sat in the corner away from the mirrors and tried to get myself under control.. Debi came out and asked if iwas coming in, i told her i would in a littl bit i jut didnt feel like being aroun others or being seen... she said ok as long as i did come in later... she went to clock out and on her way back she asked me to come in with her so i did.. i wasnt about to go in late on my own even though i was there at 7 and group wasnt til 8...

in the group it ws now 830 and she asked if i felt like talking... i said no and i just listened to the 2 new girls and the other girls who were there... i deffinately felt like i was out of place and didnt need to be there.... i felt huge and gross and i just wanted to leave... i hate to cry yet i coldnt keep he tears from escaping every now and again and it was really making me angry...

on my drive home i was hoping my family was in bed and asleep... i didnt want to be touched and i didnt feel like talking to anyone... i was hoping my husband would be awake though and would be willing to just hold me for a little while.. however i pulled into the driveway and the whole house was black as the night... i came inside and quietly readied for bed, took my meds and went to bed...when i climbed in my husband rolled over groggily and said hi, kissed me, rolled back over and was out... i lay there alone and wishing i could just be held... im not sure what was making everything seem so terrible but i didnt like it and i was just ready to sleep and not wake up... i had even silently hoped i would fall asleep whilst driving home so i wouldnt have to deal with anything ever again... not having to say good bye would be the easiest way for everyone and it would be an accident so noone would be angry or hate me for going... well obviously since tehre i was laying in the bed - i hadnt fallen asleep on that drive home...

i woke this am, got up thinking i could really do this... knew i could make the day and not be binging and purging again... i ha some plans and i knew what needed to be done but first thigns first - i had to make breakfast for my sons... thats where everything started going down hill even farther...yep i made them breakfast and i binged and purged then went back to bed... when i got up my husband had surprised me by coming home when he had said he woud not be home till lunch... so i was so groggy i just couldnt get out the bed and satyed there... when i got up at 930 he was gone and i was alone and even more depressed... i started binging and then purged and then lay back in the bed... i was having cramps and wasnt thrilled- i knew what that meant and i was right... later around 1140 i got up after atching NCIS and lucky me here is mother nature grrrr.... i wasnt happy... came downstairs and started sorting coupons trying to busy myself and not bp again - well it worked for about 20 minutes then i made some boxed potatoes and started binging on em when who should pullinto the driveway? my husband... freaking out i covered th potatoes and purged really quick - he just thought i was using the bathroom... he only had 30 min so he helped me with the coupons some then left and i finished my binging on potatoes... well at least i know now why i was craving potatoes and peanut butter so badly lately...potassium and protein...

i finished with the coupons, im sick of binging and purging... my son walks through the door - finally not alone anymore... net my other son then surprise - my husband... i thought he wasnt going to be there for  while but that was ok... i sat with him on the couch then my youngest came in... we had some almonds with raisins and i purged when they were gone - hubby had already left... at 445 my hubby comes home for the night and i ask if he wants to go get the basics we need from the store... my oldest was making pizza for dinner...

at the store we are careful and get what we need - having coupons for nearly everything... we pay and leave to come home and the gas light comes on... ugh we cant seem to win... oh well guess he will get gas in the morning as he just drives home...

when we get home we bring the groceries in and it smells like something is burnin... yep the pizza buzzer goes off and the first pan of mini pizzas are ready... i put all the groceries away and hubby says make a plate and come sit with me... great - this means more puking.. blah... oh well

so i eat some of the pizza and purge then come down and sit to watch the tv with my son...soon they are all moving on and loggin into the games online so i just go upstairs and change... when i come back down my husband says he is showering then going to bed - heis exhausted... i would say he has the right seeing as he had to be at work today at 2am!

as soon as he goes upstairs - i raid the kitchen full on mia mode... i eat some food and purge halfway through then finish and purge some more... my 3x a day has gone right out the window and im disgusted... finally able to stop...

i feel like a fat disgusting pig... i have wasted so much food by just putting it down the toilet... most of the days for the past 2 weeks are a blur... i remember some ofthe bp and i dont remember others... i know i drank 3x in a row and i went to ANAD last night... i think i have really been dissociated and i have to find myself again...

the only thing i can honestly say i have really done in the way of working towards recovery is forcing myself t not lose more weight... although i am disgusted with my body and i dont want to be this size - i feel like losing more will get me closer to happiness... but my gial was to get used to not losing more weight... get out of that mindset... well the thoughts are very prominent and very hard to ignore... i am fighting to keep from doing it but the other goals have suffered as a result... now i need to find a way to get myself back in order with my goals and up to where i need to be... ganing weight is NOT on that list - i am fighting for maintainance as is... this will have to be enough for now...

my husband said it really hurts him and bothers him to see me so boney and skeletal... to look at me from behind and be able to count my ribs through my top... i wissh i could agree and see those things - but it is deffinately not what i see...

sorry this was so long - it needed to be. i needed to catch up and just vent.